March 13, 2001

Three weeks. 

Three more weeks until this baby comes out of me. I’m so uncomfortable, I can’t wait for that to happen.  I’m also absolutely terrified and don’t like to think about it too much because then I freak out for an entirely different reason. 

Instead, I sit at this piano and play; all day and all night. I know I made such a big deal about how I didn’t want this piano, that’s where the whole fight with Justin even started. But now that it’s here, I can’t even begin to explain what a savior it’s been. 

I’m grateful to have a piano, I still don’t think I should have John Lennon’s piano. It does sound amazing though, it has this feel to it like there’s something magical, spiritual. I’m not saying John Lennon’s spirit comes through me when I play this piano, I’m not crazy. I’m just saying it’s smooth. 

My mother has been here for the past few days, she’s basically moved in. I never technically invited her, but I feel much better having her here. I’m absolutely terrified, have I mentioned that?

This baby, this baby inside of me, really likes when I play the piano. It moves around, almost like it’s dancing, and not in a creepy way. To be honest, when it kicks, I usually think it’s weird. I can’t think about it, it makes the idea that there’s a living being inside me so real. But when I’m playing the piano, I love it when the baby dances. 

I haven’t spoken to Justin since that day two months ago. I may have been a little hard on him, but everything I said was true. It needed to be said. Sure, I could have said it nicer, but I’m always so focused on making him happy and I’m sick of putting on a happy face when I’m miserable. 

I still am miserable. I don’t understand how some women say that they love being pregnant and it’s such a wonderful. That’s not possible. It can’t only be this bad for me. They’re all liars.

My mother made me a milkshake, what I’ve been craving nonstop for the past few days. I’m definitely grateful for it, but she placed it right on the piano. I quickly lifted it off and yelled at her about putting a chocolate milkshake on a white piano. A white piano that used to belong to JOHN LENNON. 

I know I’m being a bitch, but I can’t stop it. She made me a milkshake, she didn’t have to do that. She doesn’t know about the piano, she doesn’t get it. My mother never really understood my obsession with the piano. She was happy I found something to do to keep me busy and out of trouble, but it was never that interesting to her. 

She’s been a saint, my mother. She’s been so sweet and helpful, even when I’m a complete and utter bitch. I guess she understands, she’s been there. She knows how hard this is for me. 

I took a big sip of the milkshake as Kelly made her way into the house. She’s been coming over often, too, here for moral support. Usually she’s on the couch, reading and studying, while I’m on the piano and my mother is cleaning or cooking. She needs to keep herself busy. 

I continued playing, and stopped to take another sip of my milkshake when I felt my stomach begin to cramp. It wasn’t just a cramp, my whole stomach was tightening so hard I couldn’t hold the milkshake anymore, and I spilt it all over the piano. All over the white, John Lennon piano. 

“What happened, are you ok?” Kelly shot up to help me, my mother came running in from the kitchen.

I peeled over in pain, “Wipe it up, can you wipe it up? It’s going to ruin the piano.”

I looked up to see my mother standing over me, she reached down to help me up, “What happened?”

“My whole… I’m ok, it was just a cramp. Can someone clean it up?”

Kelly cleaned up the mess and my mother helped me to the couch, assuring me I needed to relax for a minute. When I screamed a few minutes later, my whole body tightening, my mother said we needed to get to the hospital. I was having contractions.

“I can’t,” I cried, “I still have three weeks, I can’t.”

“Mackenzie, listen to me. We’re going to the hospital and they’re going to check you out. It’s probably just false labor, it’s probably nothing but we want to make sure. Try to stay calm, sweetie. It’s ok.” My mother tried really hard to lie to me and calm me down but I know better. I know that she’s a nurse and she’d know if it were false labor and she’d tell me to lay down and bring me water or something. As much as she’s trying to look calm and collect, I can see the truth in her eyes. She’s worried, and she wants to get me to the hospital as soon as possible. 

When we got to the hospital they checked me out and said I was going into labor, the baby was coming, but not quite yet. I was only three centimeters dilated, so they wanted to send me home and tell me to come back in a few hours. 

I threw a fit, of course, and cried like a baby. I can’t do this, in general, and now they want me to go home and just hang out for a couple hours and wait? What if something goes wrong? What if the baby comes faster than normal babies, it’s already three weeks early, that can’t be ok. Babies take nine months, all human babies take nine months. Why is my baby going to take eight?

It was Kelly’s job to try to calm me down while my mother talked to the nurse. Luckily they know her, or at least they know someone that knows her. I was put into a wheelchair and brought up to the maternity ward. 

I’m supposed to be calm but I hear people fucking screaming like they’re insides are being pulled out. Then I remember that’s exactly why they’re screaming, because a fucking baby that is inside of them is coming out of them. 

“I can’t do this, I can’t do this. It’s too early, I’m not ready. Like, the baby’s not ready, but I’m not ready. I’m not mentally ready, I’m not physically ready. I changed my mind, I don’t want to do it anymore. I can’t.”

“You need to calm down,” my mother helped me into the bed and spoke calmly, turning on her nurse voice, although I can see in her eyes that she’s not as calm as she’s pretending to be, “If you’re stressed, the baby knows. That makes the baby stressed, and nothing good comes from that. Breathe. It’s going to be ok.”

“I can’t do this Mom!” I cried, tears falling down my face and blurring my vision, “I can’t! I can’t! I need more time, please give me more time!”

“Mackenzie, look at me,” she spoke softly and wiped my face, “You can do this. You will do this. Every human on this planet was born this way. Every single mother has done this. There so many weak people in this world and you are not one of them. They all did it, you can do it. Every mother is terrified. We all are. But we all do it, and you’re going to do it.”

Two hours later I was still laying in the bed, contractions coming every few minutes. 

Four hours later the contractions stopped. 

Five hours later my water broke and they started up again. 

Then they slowed down again, then started up again. There was talk of inducing labor, but since the due date isn’t for another three weeks they decided against that. Then there was talk of a c-section. 

Ten hours later and I just want it to be over. I want this damn baby out of me and I want to sleep. They tell me I should sleep but how am I supposed to sleep when my whole body convulses every few minutes? It’s 4:30 but I don’t even know if that’s day or night. The room doesn’t have a window. 

I want to die. I don’t want to do this. I want to die. 

I heard a commotion and looked up to see Justin running into the room. “Oh my god,” he spoke, completely out of breath, “Are you ok? Oh my god. I’m here.”

“Justin,” my father spoke calmly as he walked over to him, “You’re not supposed to be here.”

“I’m here,” he paused for a second and grabbed onto the foot of the bed, leaning down catch his breath, “with all due respect Mr C, I’m not leaving,” he took a few deep breaths, trying to steady his breathing, “I’m not leaving, Mac. I don’t care if you don’t want me here, it’s my damn kid and I can stay.”

“How did you know?” Now I’m back to crying, but for once the good kind of crying. I can’t believe he’s here, I never thought I’d see him again and I definitely didn’t think he’d be here for the birth of our child.

“Kelly… Kelly called me and I just ran out. Fuck, we had a show in Atlanta and we were at the venue and I just ran out and I grabbed a cab and I got to the airport and I,” he paused again, still not able to catch his breath, “They said the plane was full and I’d have to wait until the morning but I, I don’t know what happened, it’s all a blur. Someone gave me their seat, someone felt bad and then I got on the plane but it didn’t go.There was a delay and we were just trapped on the tarmac not moving. For so long we weren’t moving and all I could think was that I’d miss it, and something was wrong and there was nothing I could do. It’s too early, where are the doctors?” he looked around the room, “What’s happening? Why aren’t there any doctors in here?”

“I can’t believe you’re here. I didn’t think you’d come, I was sure you wouldn’t,” I was still crying, trying to stop so I could talk like a normal human being but it wasn’t working. Of course is wasn’t working. 

“I’m here, it’s ok. I’m here,” he leaned down and kissed me, causing a sudden calm to come over my body. At that moment I felt like it was all going to be alright, I felt like I could do anything now that Justin was there with me. 

~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t know how I did it, I don’t know how it happened. All I know is that it happened. It took almost 24 hours, but it happened. I, we have a son. Christopher William. 6 pounds, 8 ounces. A good size for being three weeks early, that’s for sure. 

I didn’t feel that feeling I knew I was supposed to when I held him. It was nice, I was happy he was healthy and in this world, but I didn’t feel like suddenly my life got some kind of purpose. 

Justin, on the other hand, got that feeling. I could see it in his eyes, the way he looked at the baby as if he couldn’t remember life before him. I spent my time watching him, unable to keep his eyes of the baby. 

The nurse came in to try and help me with breastfeeding and Justin reluctantly handed the baby over. Chris surprisingly latched on right away and I watched him carefully as he figured out how to get milk. He is cute. He’s so tiny, but he’s awful adorable. 

Justin moved to the back of the room and turned his phone on for the first time since he left the venue in Atlanta.  It beeped nonstop for two minutes, telling him of all the missed calls, voicemails, and text messages he had. I focused on the baby, because I know this isn’t something to be discussed right now. 

Although I am wondering how he managed to get away and how much trouble he’s going to be in when he goes back. When he goes back. He’s going to have to go back, he can’t stay here forever. God, I wish he could stay here forever. I’m so completely overwhelmed already and it’s only been a few hours since the baby was even born. 

When the phone actually rang he took deep breath and picked it up, turning his back to me as if I couldn’t see him if he wasn’t looking at me. 

“Hey… yeah obviously,” he spoke sternly, “Yeah, Mac had the baby… I had to… of course I did… well I did, so fire me then… no seriously, if that’s what it is then fucking fire me… I know… Obviously I know we had a show… Obviously I don’t give a shit and I had to leave… I’m not… I’m not coming back today… I don’t care about the contract, maybe you should take me to court then… It would be all over the papers… I don’t care… No… No… No… At least a month… I don’t care… No… A month… No, a month… Look, it’s a month or take me to court… You are wasting so much of my fucking time right now, I need a month… I don’t care, figure it out… Good, I don’t care… No, don’t call me… So fire me, see what that gets you.” he moved the phone away from his ear and turned it off before placing it on the counter and slowly making his way to the bed. 

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. You know how it is.”

“Do you have to go back?”

He shook his head, “I have a month. They’re going to try to get me to go back before that, but i’m not. I have a whole month.”

“How did you manage that?”

Justin shrugged then started laughing hysterically, “They’re probably going to say I’m in rehab. According to them, having a drug problem would be far less damaging to my career than having a baby with the woman I’m in love with.” Justin calmed himself down and sat next to me on the bed and looked me right in the eyes as he spoke, “I want to stay with you and the baby at your house. If you don’t want me to, I don’t—“

“I want you to,” I answered softly. 

“Good. Cause I am.”

“Good,” I smiled as Justin leaned over and kissed my lips gently, “I missed you, Mac, I missed you so much.”

“I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too,” he turned to look at the baby, “We made a pretty cute kid, huh?”