March 2014

I woke up from a short nap and looked around the room. It’s eerily quiet considering how many people are standing around. Everyone is still here, everyone but Justin.

I stretched my arm over my head and spoke softly, “You guys don’t have to stay.”

“The doctor came in while you were asleep. I’ll go tell the nurse,” my mother said, leaving the room before she even finished speaking. 

“I think you’re going to be released,” my father answered with a smile, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, just got a headache. Where’s Justin?”

My father shrugged, “he hasn’t been back.”

I looked at the clock, I was asleep for a good hour. He was gone for awhile before that. He was so mad I wouldn’t be surprised if he never came back.

My mother came back with a nurse who gave me more medicine. She asked how I was feeling and told me the doctor was on his way in. 

I looked to the door and saw Justin walk in. He kept his eyes on the ground and walked to the back of the room, standing next to my father. I watched him carefully, waiting for him to make some eye contact so I could see how mad he really is. He never looked up. I think that means he’s still pretty pissed. 

A tall doctor walked into the room, holding my chart. He smiled brightly, a perfect smile and ran his hand through his grey hair as he looked around the room, “Mackenzie, how are you feeling? it’s great to see you have such a wonderful support system here.”

“Yeah, they’re great,” I answered. 

“I’m going to go ahead and release you today, you’re doing much better and everything seems to be under control. I’d like to go over a few things with you, I don’t know if you want everyone here for that or—“

Justin looked up for the first time since he’s been back. He shot daggers at me with his eyes, daring me to tell him to leave. Instead, I turned to my son, “Chris.”

He huffed, but didn’t make a scene in front of the doctor, instead he made plenty of noises and left the room like an annoyed teenager. 

“OK,” the doctor smiled and closed the door behind Chris, “When you first came in we ran some tests and realized that there was a little bleeding in your brain. You had a bit of a brain hemorrhage, which is a kind of stroke. It sounds a lot scarier than is. Don’t get me wrong, it can be scary and it’s something we want to keep a close eye on. In your case, it wasn’t much and we were able to stop it with medication. We ran a lot of tests to double and triple check and you’re in the clear now. We’re going to have you follow up with a neurologist next week. Until then I want you to relax, stay off your feet, and don’t exert yourself. It’s really important that you take your time and don’t rush into things. I’m giving you a few prescriptions that you need to take to keep everything running smoothly. Any questions?” he asked me, but then looked around the room. “OK, as for your ribs, there’s really not much that we can do but wait for that. Ribs heal on their own, so there may be some pain and I’m going to give you some medicine for that pain, which will also help with the leg and any other pain you have from the accident. You also want to put an ice pack on it for twenty minutes every hour you’re awake for at least another two days. After that you can go down to twenty minutes every three hours or so. I’ll give you some ice packs that you can take home. We’re going to have you back in another two weeks to check that out. No driving, alcohol, or lifting heavy things for awhile. You need to call us if you have any problems, especially if you have a hard time breathing, as that might be a sign of pneumonia and we need to get that under control quickly. Any other questions? You’ll need someone to look after you for awhile. Take advantage of it. You’re a mother, you’re working, take some time for yourself.”

I was relieved to go home, but then it sunk in that I’d be spending the next few weeks, or more likely months, stuck at home and bored out of my mind. I have a hard time keeping still, I get bored easily. This is not going to be easy.

Justin drove Chris and I home, although he still hasn’t said a word to me. I heard him tell my parents he was going to stay with us for awhile, but once again, he’s giving me the silent treatment. 

We picked up a pizza on the way home, and Chris grabbed it and ran to open the front door.  Justin helped me out of the car and finally spoke to me, “Don’t rush, careful.”

That doesn’t really count as speaking to me but, it’s three whole words directed at me so I’ll take it. 

“Thank you,” I answered softly as he helped me to the couch. 

He nodded once in my direction, “Chris, want to help me get everything from the car?”

Chris jogged to catch up to Justin, who was already halfway down the driveway before he finished the question. I looked around my empty house, trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be stuck here for a while. What am I going to do with myself? 

I don’t like sitting still. I don’t like being stuck and trapped in my own house. I’ve been home for two minutes and already have cabin fever. This is going to be horrible.

Chris placed the pizza on the coffee table and went back into the kitchen to grab a bottle of soda and three glasses. He then went back for plates and napkins. At first I felt proud that he’s helping out but then I remembered he’s been eating junk at the hospital for the past two days and now we’re finally home and it’s more junk. I’m not winning any parent awards, that’s for sure. 

We all sat around eating in silence. Justin’s still mad, so mad in fact that he’s not even looking up. Chris looks between the two of us and chuckles before grabbing another piece of pizza. 

“Do you have homework, sweetie?”

“Nope.”

“Are you sure?”

Chris let out a sigh, “I’ll check, can I eat first?”

“Yeah, I guess you can eat first,” I answered back in a similar tone. 

He chuckled again and looked over at Justin, then we all continued eating in silence. 

I thought things were awkward before, back when Justin and Chris didn’t know how to even acknowledge each other. Now Justin can’t even manage to look at me. 

“So…” Chris held the word out for a few seconds and looked between Justin and I.

I looked at my son, and noticed Justin still staring at his pizza out of the corner of my eye, “So what, Chris? You want to chat? We’ve had a pretty stressful day, but we can chat if you want.”

Chris shook his head and turned to Justin, “How come you’re not talking? JUSTIN!”

Justin finally looked up and joined the conversation, “Yeah?”

“How come you’re not talking?” Chris repeated. 

“I’m talking,” Justin chuckled, “Since when do you want me to talk?”

“I don’t want you to talk it’s just SO. QUIET.”

I couldn’t help but smile as I reached for another piece of pizza. This may be the first time I’ve ever heard Chris talk to Justin on his own, and it’s to tell him to talk more. 

We went back to silence and continued eating the pizza. After a few seconds Chris spoke up again, “he has a picture of you in his wallet.”

“What the hell, Chris?” Justin spoke up quickly, looking almost embarrassed. 

“What? You do!” Chris turned to me, “He does,” he spoke before standing up and giving Justin a smug smile, “Gonna get my backpack.”

And with that he was gone. I looked over at Justin who grabbed the empty paper plates and cleared the table. I don’t know why he’s acting so embarrassed about that, I know he has plenty of pictures of Chris and I, it’s probably one of those from when Chris was first born. It’s hardly a big deal. 

Justin sat down and took a deep breath as if he really has to give himself a pep talk to even talk to me, “I’m going to run home and get some clothes and stuff. I’ll be back in an hour. Do you need anything before I go? Do you want me to stop anywhere? Want me to take you upstairs or do you want to stay here?”

“I’m fine here. I’m ok. Are you ok?”

He shook his head, “You should have told me, Mac.”

“Well…”

“No, don’t just brush over it and act like it’s not a big deal. It’s a big fucking deal. I was there with you, I didn’t know what to do. I should have called your parents. You have a son, you’re a mother and you just avoid it and think, what? if you don’t talk about it with anyone it won’t happen? It’s fucked up, Mac.”

I swallowed hard, “I’m sorry if you were worried, but—“

“You’re sorry if I was worried. You’re sorry if I didn’t know what to do. Can you take any responsibility?”

“Take responsibility for what? For making a decision to keep something private so everyone doesn’t freak out over something that ends up being nothing? Justin, there’s this thing called HIPAA and it protects a patient’s privacy. Legally, I have every right to keep it to myself.”

“Legally, here we go,” he threw his arms up. He always hates when I bring up the legal aspect of things, how legally he wasn’t supposed to be seeing Chris when he was born. I know I tend to use that argument when it suits me and ignore it when it doesn’t. 

“Well it’s true. Really, what I should do is take that Andrea lady to court because she has broken so many laws she should lose her license.”

“It’s not about the legal ramifications of it, Mac. It’s me, it was me standing there with you. Not some fucking nurse you don’t know, it was me. You were bleeding. From. Your. Brain. Mackenzie. Don’t act like that’s not a big deal.”

“I’m fine,” I answered softly. 

“You’re not fine. Look at you. You can hardly move.”

As I looked at Justin it finally made sense. He’s so mad, he’s turning red, and his eyes look like they’re filling with water. He was worried about me. We’ve been through a lot and he still cares about me, even if it’s just because I am the mother of his child.  

Chris made his way back downstairs and Justin turned his back to us, then grabbed his cup and brought it into the kitchen. 

“I just have to read one chapter,” Chris said as he plopped down on the ground in front of the couch. 

“OK,” I messed up his hair, “Get reading.”

“I’ll be back in an hour,” Justin said as he walked past us and to the door, “Call me if you need anything.”

Chris watched as Justin left, and waited until he heard the car move out of the driveway before turning to me. He placed his book behind him and crossed his legs underneath him. 

“What?” I asked the question, not ready to sit there and have Chris just stare at me for who knows how long. 

“Mom, he has a picture of you in his wallet. That’s weird! How come you don’t think that’s weird?”

“What are you doing looking in his wallet?”

“I’m not!” he sighed and threw his head back, “He told me that he was there when I was born and took out his wallet to show me a picture of him holding me in the hospital when I was just born.”

“He’s your father, Chris. That’s not weird.”

Chris threw his head back and sighed again, even louder this time. “Not of me! He had a picture just of you. By yourself. Only you. I saw it. It fell out when he was trying to show me the other picture. He grabbed it quick and put it back in his wallet and pretended it wasn’t there.  It was weird. I’m telling you it’s weird.”

“I don’t think it’s that weird,” I lied. It is a little weird, why would he have a picture of me, by myself? I don’t even know when he would have gotten a picture of me by myself. 

“Do you have a picture of him in your wallet?”

“I do not.”

“Cause it would be weird if you did! He knew it was weird cause that’s why he hid it from me and why he got mad when I told you and why he left.”

I shook my head, trying desperately to pass it off as something minor, although I am a little confused about it. Most importantly, I’m not sure why Chris decided to tell me about it, “So was that all part of your plan, to make him leave? Because he’s coming back.”

Chris laughed, “No. I’m just telling you!”

“Well thanks,” I rolled my eyes and messed up his hair, “So tell me about your night with Justin. How did it go?”

He shrugged, “fine.”

“Did you talk to him at all?”

“Yeah,” he held it out much longer than necessary, “He said he was there when I was born and things got in the way and he wanted to stay but he couldn’t. BlahBlahBlah.”

I nodded my head, making a mental note to ask Justin more about it when they get back. “How was his house?”

“Big. He has a waterfall in his pool.”

“Cool, right?”

“Yeah, cool.”

“Anything else you want to tell me about? Any new questions you want to ask?”

He turned to me, as if he were really considering opening up about everything. Instead, he smiled, “Can I have some ice cream?”

“No!” I playfully pushed his head away, “You’ve had so much junk these past few days. Did you eat at Justin’s last night?”

He nodded, “We got burgers on the way home.”

More junk.

“What about breakfast?”

“He made bacon and eggs and pancakes.”

I raised an eyebrow, Justin made him breakfast, a big breakfast. I’m a little impressed. 

“Any fruit?”

Chris shrugged, “I had a banana.”

“Can you eat some fruit now please? There’s bananas and apples in the kitchen. I’ll take an apple.”

I was surprised when he stood up without whining and came back with two apples. “Thank you, sweetie.”

“I’m gonna help out, Mom. You don’t have to worry,” he said before taking a big bite of the apple. 

“I don’t worry about you.”

“I know but Nana was really mad and said I need to help you and I said I would and she said you better.”

I took a deep breath, annoyed once again with my mother. “Nana was stressed, don’t worry about her.”

“Cause you were really hurt?”

“A little, but I’m ok now. It was just a little scary for everyone.”

“Is that why Justin is mad at you?”

“You really think he’s mad at me?” Chris nodded his head and I smiled, “Yeah, I think he was just a little scared because he was there with me.”

“I was a little scared too, you know.”

“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just going to take a little while but I’ll be back to normal soon.”

“It’s ok,” he answered softly and rested his head on the couch next to me, “Mom?”

“Yeah, sweetie?”

Chris inhaled a long breath, still trying to decide if he should tell me or not. He climbed up on he couch next to me and spoke shyly, “On the way back to the hospital we stopped to get you flowers. And we walked in the store and everyone was like, watching him. Then there were these girls and they were just following us, like pretending they weren’t but they were. I even saw them taking a picture of him.”

I wrapped my arm around my son and pulled him closer to myself, being careful not to make him press against my ribs too hard, “That must have made you feel really uncomfortable, huh?”

He shrugged, “Just weird. Does that happen all the time?”

I bit at my lip as I remembered Chris hasn’t been in public with Justin yet, besides the basketball game but that doesn’t count since we had the suite. He’s not used to the awkward looks and the sneaky cell phone pictures and the random screaming. “Sometimes it happens,” I answered honestly, “Sometimes people get really excited when they see him. Sometimes people get really mad when they see him, and they yell mean things. I think most of the time people just look and maybe follow him a little. But not all the time. Justin knows some places he can go where no one bothers him. Unfortunately, he also knows some places he can’t go because people will bother him too much.”

Chris bit his upper lip, an adorable thing he does when he’s really thinking. 

I smiled, “What did Justin do? Did he say anything?”

He shook his head, “he just walked around and acted normal.”

It wouldn’t surprise me if Justin didn’t even notice. I’d imagine he’s used to it by now. I’ll have to ask him about it when he gets back. 

“It’s definitely something that takes some time to get used to. It’s kind of awkward. When I first met Justin that was really weird for me too.”

“But you got used to it?”

I nodded my head, it’s not a complete lie. I kind of got used to it, that doesn’t mean I like it, “Justin was always good at finding ways to go around unnoticed. He’d wear hats and sunglasses and he liked to blend in with crowds,” I smiled as I remembered our trip to New York back when we first started dating, “I’m surprised he didn’t have on a hat when you went to get me flowers. He probably wasn’t thinking straight and just stopped at a store in an area he probably wouldn’t have stopped at.”

Chris nodded and rested his head on my shoulder. 

“I’m sorry sweetie, I know how difficult this is. There’s always so many more challenges with Justin, things are never as easy as they could be. But it’s worth getting to know him, I promise he’s worth it.”