March 18, 2001

We came home from the hospital three days ago. That’s it. They just told us we could go. I mean, they just let us leave with this baby I wasn’t supposed to  have for another three weeks. 

I don’t understand how it happened, but it happened. All I know is that I’m supposed to be so happy and in love with this little angel that is my son. I don’t feel that way though, not at all. I feel like my whole life is over. I’m never going to be able to sleep again. All I do is what this baby wants to do. When he cries I have to do something to make him stop. I don’t know what to do. If he’s crying he’s usually hungry, or he has a dirty diaper, or he has gas. But sometimes it’s none of those things and he just cries for the hell of it. 

I was supposed to have three more weeks. 

I don’t even know if he’s getting any food. How am I supposed to tell? There’s no full or empty button when you’re breastfeeding. For all I know my boobs don’t work and I’m starving the kid. No one taught me how to breastfeed. They all told me I should breastfeed and it’s the healthiest option but no one thought it would be helpful to teach me how to do it. A nurse at the hospital just watched as I pushed my son’s face into my nipple and said I was doing a good job. But how do I know if I really am doing a good job?

I was supposed to have three more weeks. 

My nipples hurt. My whole body hurts. I need a three week vacation to wake up and deal with this. 

I was supposed to have three more weeks. 

“Mac. Mac!”

I heard my name being repeated and woke up from my daze to see Justin standing in the doorway holding onto the crying baby. 

“Are you ok?”

I nodded my head and realized I had been sitting, crosslegged, in the middle of the bed staring at the wall. 

“I think he’s hungry.”

Of course he’s hungry. He’s always hungry. I nodded and pulled my entire shirt over my head. I moved the pillows against the headboard and scooted back, placing the pillows around me. Slowly, I reached my arms out and waited for Justin to place the baby in them. 

I felt Justin’s eyes on me but couldn’t even bother to look up at him. 

“Do you—do you need anything?”

I swallowed hard and tried desperately to keep myself together, “Some water?”

“Yeah, ok, I’ll be right back.”

What I really want is to lock myself alone in a room and scream. What I really want is to get in my car and just drive, I don’t care where, I just want to go somewhere. Anywhere. What I really want is those three more weeks.

Justin came back a few seconds later with a big glass of ice water and a straw. He held it out for me to take a sip, then sat down next to me on the bed. 

“How are you doing?” he asked sincerely. 

“I’m really cold.”

“Of course you are, why did you take your whole shirt off?”

I looked down and actually laughed, “I have no idea.”

“You need to try to sleep, Mac.”

It’s a joke really, the whole idea of sleeping. I can’t sleep if the baby doesn’t sleep and he doesn’t sleep, or he sleeps for like ten minutes at a time. Usually, right when I’m about to fall asleep he wakes up again. Thank god Justin is here, he has some sort of natural gift when it comes to taking care of this kid, but the reality is he’s going to be leaving soon. I can’t even think about that right now.

I looked down at my son and realized he was asleep. He does this all the time, he cries so we try feeding him and then he just falls asleep. As soon as I move him away from me he wakes up and cries again. It’s a never-ending cycle. 

“He’s sleeping,” I spoke in a whisper. I have no energy left. None.

Justin looked down at our sleeping son, then pulled my shirt down over my head. I need him to get me dressed now, apparently. “I’ll take him downstairs and you can sleep.”

“He’s going to wake up as soon as I move him,” I whined, “I’m going to just lay down here with him. Is that bad?”

“The doctors said you shouldn’t sleep with him in the bed.”

I let out a sigh, I know they said that but am I really going to roll over on my son? I feel like that’s something that never really happens. I’m so tired I won’t be moving at all. 

“Well, I don’t know what else to do,” I began to cry, “he’s going to wake up as soon as I move him and I can’t sleep—“

“Alright, just lay down,” Justin answered calmly, anything to stop my breakdown, “I’ll stay up here and make sure he’s ok.”

~~~~~~~~~~

When I woke up it was pitch black. I shot up, having a feeling in my gut that I rolled over and crushed our son. Or I threw him on the floor. Or I pushed him off the bed. Or I’ve been asleep for days and he hasn’t eaten since. I carefully reached to the light on the bedside table and noticed I was alone in the room. 

“Justin!” I called out. I don’t know where the baby is, I LOST THE BABY!

“We’re downstairs!” he called up. 

“I don’t know what— I lost the baby, I don’t know where he is!” I shouted back, feeling my whole body shut down. 

“He’s down here, we’re down here,” he shouted up, then arrived at the door out of breath, “Are you alright?”

“Where’s the baby?”

“He’s downstairs, he’s alright. He’s sleeping. Trace is here, and Kelly. They brought dinner, they both brought dinner. We have pizza and Chinese food,” he smiled, he’s trying so hard to make me feel better but honestly, I just want to punch him. I don’t know why, he’s being great, but I want to fucking punch him.

I felt my heart start beating again and tried to catch my breath, “I thought I pushed him off the bed or I rolled over on him.”

“I’m sorry, you fell asleep and he was waking up so I brought him downstairs.”

I let out a sigh of relief. 

“Babe, you’re fine,” he leaned down and kissed me gently, “You’re doing great, you know that, right?”

I shook my head, “I’m horrible at this. I don’t know what I’m doing and I can’t make him happy.”

“He’s only three days old he has to get used to life outside your stomach. It’s cold out here. And bright.”

I laughed and wrapped my arms around Justin, “Thanks for being here Justin. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He nodded his head, and I watched the smile slowly slide off his face. He’s thinking about when he has to leave, and now I’m thinking about it too. I don’t want to think about that but it’s something that just creeps up on me, even if he still has almost a month before he leaves. 

“Do you want to rest a little more?”

I shook my head, “I’m awake now, the baby must be hungry.”

Justin grabbed onto my arm and helped me up, “We better get down there then, probably shouldn’t leave Trace and Kelly alone for too long. Don’t want them to get themselves into too much trouble.”

As we stepped downstairs Trace walked into the living room from the kitchen, with two bottles of beer in his hand, “Hey!” he placed a beer in front of Kelly, who was holding Chris, and pulled me into a hug, “Congratulations! He’s cute. He looks like a fucking alien, but in a good way.”

“Thanks, Trace,” I laughed at his honesty. 

“And this is great, you two here. Together. I mean, the three of you. One happy little family,” he turned to Kelly, “Why are you kicking me?”

“Why do you think, you dumbass?” Kelly answered with an eye roll before turning her attention to the baby in her arms, “He was looking right at me, I swear.”

I smiled and sat down next to her, “Chris loves his Auntie Kelly.”

“Of course he does. But not as much as he loves his Mommy.”

“He loves his Mommy because she has the magic boob juice,” I said as she handed over my son and I pulled my shirt down. 

“Dude, what are you doing? Stop looking at her!” Justin yelled at Trace. 

“I’m not looking at her,” he answered. 

“I see you fucking looking at her. Stop, she’s feeding my fucking son, dude,” Justin stood in front of me and held up a blanket to block any view Trace may have of me. 

“I know it’s really sexy, but—“ I began sarcastically. 

“I’m not looking at you! I swear to god I’m not looking at you! That’s the most awkward thing I’ve seen in my life and I absolutely don’t want to see your baby sucking on your girlfriend’s tit.”

“Aww, Trace,” I laughed and pushed Justin away so I could see him, “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable but it’s a natural thing.”

“That’s fine, it’s great but I don’t want to see it,” he said, looking up at the ceiling, “I don’t know where to look.”

“How about my eyes? You could look in my eyes.”

“It’s impossible to look in your eyes when your boob is just hanging out like that.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his awkwardness. This is the best I’ve felt in the past few days.

“I’m just going to go in the kitchen,” he turned and walked away, “Do what you gotta do and I’ll come back when you’re finished.”

“It’s not even a boob anymore, it’s a bottle,” I turned to Kelly, “I can’t even think straight anymore. I just pulled my boob out in front of Trace.”

“You’ve lost your mind,” Kelly laughed, “Guess I’m going to have to see Justin’s dick.”

Justin chuckled and shook his head as he walked away from us and into the kitchen, “Girl’s got jokes.”

“Come back Justin, I’m not joking,” she called after him, “It’s only fair!”

“Keep the dream alive, Kel,” Justin shouted from the kitchen. 

“I think you’re the one that’s lost her mind, Kel,” I laughed and rested my head on her shoulder, “Can you stay here forever?”

She nodded her head and reached down to touch Chris’s tiny hands, “You’re not going to be able to get rid of me.”