March 2014

I should have given Justin a key, that would have been the smart thing to do. Actually, he might already have a key. He definitely used to have one, but that was thirteen years ago. Maybe he has it hidden somewhere, near that picture he apparently has of me in his wallet. 

It was when the doorbell rang that I realized I should have given Justin a key, also that I really hate the doorbell in this house. I’ve hated it since I moved in and I don’t know why I never got around to changing it. Probably because I have no idea how to change a doorbell. 

When Justin came inside he went right upstairs to drop off his bag. Then, he came into the living room and stood with his arms crossed across his chest looking down at me, “Need anything?”

I shook my head and he went into the kitchen, getting me a new ice pack. Every twenty minutes.  “Thank you.”

He nodded his head and moved to sit on the chair across from the couch. He kept his eyes down, as if it was too much for him to even look at me. 

Chris looked between the two of us and laughed again, “Cool. Still not talking. I’m going to bed.”

“Why don’t you shower tonight so you don’t have to in the morning,” I still need to remind him to shower because I already know there’s no chance he’s going to wake up on time to shower in the morning. “Did you ask Landon if his parents can give you a ride to school?”

“Oh yeah,” Chris pulled out his phone and began texting. Chris pulled out his phone. 

His phone.

His iPhone. 

Chris has an iPhone.

WHY DOES CHRIS HAVE AN IPHONE?

“What is— “ I had to pause to catch my breath, “Where did you get that?”

Chris’s eyes darted to Justin then back at me, “It’s just, I—“

“Chris, where did you get an iPhone?” I turned to Justin, “did you buy him an iPhone?”

“Come on Ma,” Chris whined. 

“Are you serious? You bought him an iPhone? He was with you for like eight hours, how did you even—?”

“I didn’t buy him an iPhone,” Justin spoke up for once, “I had an extra one, I gave it to him.” Justin turned to Chris, then back at me, “I don’t get the big deal, is he not supposed to have an iPhone?”

“It’s fine, I can have an iPhone,” Chris answered, then turned his attention to me and started to whine, “Come on, Mom it’s fine.”

“It’s not really fine. We’ve been talking about it for a long time and decided you’re not really ready for an iPhone.”

“No, you decided I wasn’t ready for—“

“Yeah right, cause I’m the mom,” I didn’t let Chris finish. 

“It’s not fair, he gave it to me.”

Justin looked at me then back at Chris, as if this were some kind of parenting test he needed to pass. It’s not a parenting test, but why did he give my son a fucking iPhone? “If you aren’t supposed to have one then I—“

“No, you can’t take it back,” Chris whined, not letting Justin finish his thought, “You’re just mad cause I told her about the picture.”

“Chris, enough,” I swear, I need him to stop talking about that damn picture.

Justin licked his lips and shook his head, “I’m sorry I didn’t know you don’t want him to have one. I have a couple at home that I got from different things and they’re just laying around. He saw one and I gave it to him. Just, ya’know, trying to buy his love.”

“And it’s working, Mom! I’m starting to love him!” Chris answered without missing a beat. 

I laughed so hard that it hurt. I laughed so hard that tears were falling from my eyes and I couldn’t stop my body from shaking.  We all laughed, the three of us. Mother, father, son. For once, even if only for a minute, the three of us were happy. 

We calmed down and were brought back to reality. Chris went to get ready for bed and Justin helped me up to my room. I could tell he was still mad at me. Unfortunately, our laughing fest couldn’t fix everything. 

He stood by the door and placed his hands in his pockets nervously, “Need anything else?” 

“I’m good, thank you. Do you think we could talk for a minute? Can you shut the door?”

He nodded his head and closed the door before sitting next to me on the bed. We both sat in silence. God it’s been a long time since I’ve been in a bed with him and it’s so awkward. 

I took a deep breath before beginning, “I should have told you, I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to get you nervous and I didn’t want to think about it. I know it was stupid and I should have told you, of all people, so I’m sorry.”

Justin bit at his lip and looked at the wall, before turning to me, “I was scared, I didn’t know what was going on and I was there when it happened. I saw you fall and I knew it was bad and if anything were to happen to you I don’t know I’d—I can’t even think about what I’d—“ he paused, “I shouldn’t have taken you on the hike. I should have called your parents, I mean I should have called an ambulance when you fell.”

“It’s not your fault and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But please Justin, I’m fine. I’ll be fine soon. It was my own stupid klutz tendencies that got me hurt, it has nothing to do with you. Can we just call a truce and move on?”

“Yeah,” he nodded his head,  “let’s move on,”

“Great,” I paused for a half a second then continued, “Can you please tell me what happened when you took Chris home?”

Justin chuckled and fell onto his back, “Yeah, let’s talk about that. God, I needed you there, it was so fucking awkward at first.  He was quiet the whole ride to my house, didn’t say a word. I didn’t either, I mean I couldn’t think of one thing to say to him. I don’t know why he makes me so nervous. I have no problem talking to complete strangers and bullshitting, but with Chris, my own son, I can’t think of one thing to say to him. I’m off my game, he gets in my brain and I’m a blubbering fool.”

“Probably because he is your son,” I laughed, “and you haven’t seen him and you’re just getting to know him. You put too much pressure on yourself, it’s completely normal things are a little awkward.”

“Yeah, right. I know,” he nodded his head, “I’m still trying to figure this whole thing out.”

“So am I, are you kidding? I don’t think I’ve known what I was doing even once since he was born. I feel like my whole life is taking chances and hoping for the best.”

“Well, you’re doing good job Mac, he’s a good kid.”

“Yeah, he’s alright. I can’t take all the credit though. I sometimes think he’s so great in spite of me, not because of me.”

“It’s absolutely because of you, don’t be ridiculous.”

I shrugged, “You remember what I was like when we first brought him home.”

“You had postpartum depression, Mac. It’s a real thing, it was diagnosed.”

“I know, but you were so good with him.”

“Yeah, because I didn’t have postpartum,” he turned to me and smiled, “get over yourself.”

I chuckled, “Also you don’t sleep, so that wasn’t a big deal for you.”

“Yeah, good point. You need, what, fourteen hours of sleep to function? Are you still like that?”

“Yeah, don’t you dare wake me up.”

“That lesson was learned a long time ago,” he turned back to the ceiling and smiled.

“You saved me that month, you know. When Chris was first born.”

I waited for a response, and looked over at him when I didn’t get one. He had his eyes closed and swallowed before answering, “I think that’s being a little dramatic, Mac. I hardly saved you. I helped out for a month. It should have been longer.”

“I didn’t think I was going to get you at all so, you being there, even only for a month, really did save me.”

He smiled, then opened his eyes and turned back to me, “OK. Whatever you say, Mac.”

Justin’s always so hard on himself about everything that happened with Chris. The whole situation sucks, and I’m sure it could have been handled better, but it really isn’t his fault. I wish he wasn’t so hard on himself. He needs to know that he actually did help me out a lot. Maybe not in the way he would have liked, but he made things a lot easier in different ways. 

“OK, fine, Keep going, why did you stop? Tell me what happened!”

“Alright, yeah,” he chuckled before continuing,  “Anyway, the only thing I said to him on the way home was if he wanted to get burgers or pizza. We got burgers. Then we went home and ate and just kind of looked at each other for a while. Then it was like something happened and he got all this confidence and started asking me questions. Serious questions,  like how we met.”

“I already told him how we met.”

“I know, I knew you would have. He said he wanted to make sure the story matched.”

I laughed at my sweet, pessimistic son, “Oh god.”

“So, I told him the truth. I don’t know if that’s what you told him. I don’t know if you sugarcoated it because I told him everything. How I saved your life cause of your guacamole eye and I tricked you into thinking I was just some kid from Kentucky.”

“Oh please,” I rolled my eyes, “You saved my life, huh?”

“Alright, maybe I didn’t save your life but if I didn’t help you, you’d most likely be blind right now.”

“Yeah absolutely, if you didn’t help me I’d be blind” I answered sarcastically,  “You’re so modest and also so absolutely full of shit, but whatever.”

“I am not full of shit it’s what happened,” he chuckled, “Anyway, I told him how you impressed me with your piano skills and I impressed you with my boyish good looks.” I rolled my eyes again but he continued softly, “I told him how I fell for you so fast that it felt like a dream. Everything happened so fast.”

I nodded my head, thinking back to our love story. It was quite the whirlwind romance, that’s for sure. 

He took a deep breath, slowly letting it out, “Anyway, I don’t know. I told him we were together until the end of your pregnancy, and I was there when he was born. And we were on and off for awhile and things were complicated.” 

“What did he say?”

“He seemed satisfied with it, I don’t know. He didn’t really say anything. He just said what I told him about how we met was different from what you told him, but still the same.”

“What does that even mean?”

“I guess it means I gave more details, you should really work on your story telling skills, Mac.”

I chuckled, “I guess so. What else?”

Justin shrugged, “I showed him his room and gave him some sweats. We talked about how tall he is and how he’s doing with basketball.”

“Yeah, yeah, what else?”

“That’s it really. He went to sleep, woke up, I made breakfast. That’s when he saw the iPhone. He said how cool it was and that he wanted one and I told him to keep it. I helped him set it up and then that was it. I lost him.  He was done. I don’t think he looked up from that damn thing once until we got back to the hospital. Which now makes sense, given that you didn’t want him to have one. The little punk was hiding it from you.”

“Exactly.”

Justin looked up at the ceiling and smiled, “But it made him like me for a minute so I’ll take it.”

“Buying love, typical Justin,” I answered with a smile. 

“Please,” Justin chuckled and elbowed me. He elbowed me. I am full of bandages and broken bones and he elbowed me. 

“Oww, are you serious?” I pretended that it hurt, “I’m injured!” 

“I hardly touched you!” Justin chuckled, “So dramatic. Typical Mackenzie.”

I kicked him, because luckily he was laying next to my good leg. We laughed, then he turned to me and I saw the smile slide off his face, “I better get to bed,” he stood up.

I nodded my head, unable to find words to speak. 

“What do you need before you go to bed?”

“Um…” I bit at my lip as if I were really thinking, “a milkshake?”

“Yeah right, how about a new ice pack? And some water. Do you have your phone charger up here? Call me if you need me in the middle of the night. I’ll be up early anyway, so make sure,” Justin spoke as he left the room. 

I let out a sigh when I could tell he was downstairs. This is going to be bad. I have a horrible feeling this is going to be really bad.