March 2014

Justin woke me up three times during the night to give me a new ice pack. That’s tree times that I actually woke up, but I’m a heavy sleeper and wouldn’t be surprised if he came in more than that. I remember clearly that the doctor told me I didn’t have to worry about changing the ice packs at night. I also remember clearly that Justin was there for that conversation. 

“Do you want tea or coffee or—?”

“Coffee,” I watched Justin frantically moving around the kitchen. 

“Right, coffee. And you,” he turned and pointed to Chris, “Bacon? Eggs? French toast? Pancakes?”

“All of the above.”

“Chris, cereal,” I looked over at my son who was rushing to finish his homework, “Relax. Everybody breathe. Justin, you don’t need to make a huge breakfast. Chris is perfectly able to get his own cereal.”

“Ma, I gotta finish my homework!”

“Your homework that you told me you finished last night, you mean?”

“I forgot about this part!”

Justin pulled a frying pan out and grabbed eggs from the refrigerator, “I’ll make some eggs quick, it’s fine.”

Chris gave me a quick smirk before turning back to his homework. I responded by pushing his head away from his paper, because I’m an adult.  I watched Justin crack eggs in a pan and toss bread in the toaster, then turned to Chris who was scribbling in his notebook. Landon’s father beeped outside and Chris quickly stuffed his things in his backpack, just as Justin placed two fried eggs and two slices of toast in front of him. Chris picked the eggs up with his hand and made a sandwich with the toast, then turned to me and smiled, like he was proud of his accomplishment. 

“Have fun. Be good.”

“Bye,” he kissed my cheek and headed towards the door before shouting back, “Bye Justin, thanks for breakfast!”

I smiled slightly, proud my son is finally coming around. Then I turned to Justin, who had the biggest smile on his face. He turned back to the stove to hide it from me, “How many eggs?”

“Two. What are you getting all giddy just because he said thank you?” I teased. 

“Nah, what are you talking about? Chris is my buddy now, we talk all the time.”

“Of course he is. You gave him an iPhone.”

Justin chuckled as he placed a plate of food in front of me, “You’re missing the point.” 

“Sure I am,” I smiled.

“Typical Mackenzie,” he smirked before sitting next to me. He turned to the clock over the stove and stood up, “You need a new ice pack.”

“Sit down,” I grabbed onto his arm so he couldn’t get too far, “After we eat I can get a new ice pack. It doesn’t need to be every hour on the hour. Relax.”

He sat back down and inhaled his food. I reached over to stop him again, “Seriously Justin. It’s still really cold. You’re becoming obsessed. You definitely don’t need to wake me up in the middle of the night to change it, either.”

“How’d I know it was going to come back to that?”

“Because, of course it would! Why would you think you need to change it in the middle the night when the doctor said it was fine during the night?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he shrugged. 

“I could! I was!

Justin chuckled, “Alright, fine.”

He turned back to his breakfast and we sat in silence for a few seconds. It’s still weird for us to be spending this much time together. In these past few days we’ve spent about double the amount of time together than the last ten years. Our lives have changed so much during that time but somehow we can go right back to the way things were. I don’t mean romantically, I just mean our friendship. I think we were always friends first, we always cared about each other so much more than just romantically, that’s why we were always able to have a friendship even after the romantic relationship ended. 

“So you can sit up fine?” Justin asked before taking the last bite of his breakfast. 

“Well yeah, I’m sitting up right now so…”

He smiled and grabbed my plate, placing them in the dishwasher before grabbing an ice pack from the freezer. “Great. Let’s play.”

“What are we playing?” 

“What do you think we’re playing, Mac?” he asked the question then motioned to the piano, “Come on, let’s play.” 

“OK, yeah. I haven’t played in awhile though, so—“

“Don’t make excuses.”

“I’m not making excuses, I’m just saying I haven’t played in awhile.”

“So you might be a little rusty?” he asked as he led me to the piano. 

“No, that’s not what I said. I’m not a little rusty. I’m a natural talent, that doesn’t just go away,” I gave him a smug smile. 

“There she is,” he chuckled, “That’s my girl.”

I smiled as I sat down on the piano and ran my fingers across the ivory keys. 

“So what you’re saying then, is that I might be a little better than you now, since I’ve been playing a lot over the last thirteen years and you don’t play much.”

“Sure Justin, you might be a little better than me,” I rolled my eyes then began playing Chopin’s Revolutionary Etude, a difficult song full of insane runs. When I finished I turned to Justin and motioned to the keys, “Your turn.”

He coughed back a laugh, cleared his throat, cracked his knuckles, and stretched his neck as if he were about to run marathon. Then he finally began playing Beethoven’s Für Elise. When he finished he turned to me, with a big goofy smile covering his face. 

“Beethoven? I’m impressed. Check you out with the classical piano skills.”

“That was for you, I learned that one for you.”

I leaned over to playfully bump into him, “Not bad, Timberlake. Not bad.”

“Yeah, sure. How old were you when you learned to play Für Elise?”

“Probably like ten,” I answered honestly. 

He laughed, “Yeah, so why the fuck is it impressive that I can play it now? You have no idea how long it took me to learn that song. It doesn’t make sense, I write songs on the piano. I play the piano practically every day and it takes me a month to learn fucking Beethoven.”

“Beethoven can be difficult. Classical piano is completely different from the kind of piano you play when you’re writing a song. Also, I’m sure it didn’t take you a month to learn it. You’re just such a perfectionist you probably made a tiny mistake and then practiced until it was perfect ten times in a row.”

“Three times in a row. That’s how you do it. You told me that.”

It’s weird how he remembers that, such a tiny detail I told him back when we used to just hang around his house and play piano. You don’t know if you can play a song right until you can play it three times in a row without any mistakes. If you make a mistake, even a tiny one, on the third try you start over. 

“That feels like a lifetime ago.”

“It was a lifetime ago,” he said as he began playing Heart and Soul and I joined in. “You should teach me how to play that.”

“To play what?”

“What you played. Will you teach me?”

“OK. I mean it’ll take awhile but—“

“I’ll be here anyway.”

I nodded my head and looked back at the piano keys to hide the smile I could feel making its way across my face. The idea of him being around for a while seems almost too good to be true. So does the idea of us spending our days playing piano. Just like the old days.

“I miss hearing you play.”

“You should get a CD or something.”

Justin smiled, keeping his eyes down at the piano, “You know what I mean.”

I nodded my head, of course I know what he means. I also know that I’m going to just nod my head so I don’t say anything I’ll regret.

“So do you have sheet music for it, or…?”

“Um, I’m not sure actually. There’s a box in the closet with sheet music, if you want to grab it we can go through it.”

“OK, you can play for me while I go through the box?”

I smiled, it was always so weird to me that he likes it so much when I play. I know he’s obviously a music man, but my piano playing is not that good. He always acted like I was some kind of musical prodigy or something. “I think I need to sit somewhere with a back for a little, maybe the couch?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” he jumped up and helped me to the couch, “You want a water or anything? Need another ice pack?”

I chuckled, “I’m fine, just get the box in the closet.”

It took us awhile but we finally found the sheet music we were looking for.  It was fun going through the music, telling stories about each piece we came across. This is the one I played for my senior recital. Or I was obsessed with this piece when we were dating. 

Sharing our love for music was always so important for the two of us. Even if we were in love with completely different forms of music, it was a link that connected us more than I’ve ever been connected with anyone before. It’s good to reminisce and tie it all back to the music I was playing at the time. I can’t have these talks with anyone else, it’s nice to be able to have them again. 

When the doorbell rang, I literally jumped. I turned to Justin who gave me a sly smile before making his way to the front door. “Who…Why?” I’m really good at forming sentences when I’m confused. I’m definitely not expecting anybody, especially not anybody that would ring the doorbell. But by the look Justin gave me I’d say it’s safe to say he is.

I recognized the voice before I could even see the face, and a smile covered my face without any control. I managed to get up and walk to the door, just in time to see Justin and his best friend Trace coming up the driveway carrying a big box. 

“What are you guys doing?”

Trace looked up at me and smiled, “What’s going on, Mac Attack?”

“Dude, keep going! This thing is fucking heavy you’re not even holding it!” Justin said as he walked backwards, carrying the box up the front steps. 

Once they got the box in the house they placed it next to the stairs and Trace made his way over to me, “There she is!”

“What are you doing in my house?” I asked with a smile as he pulled me into a hug. 

“Visiting you and I’m the delivery guy, apparently. How are you feeling? What the fuck is wrong with you? Falling off cliffs now?”

These things escalate so quickly. It was a hill, then it was a canyon, now it’s a cliff. 

“I fell down a hill. And I’m fine.”

“I think you should go with a cliff. If you only fell down a hill and you’re looking like that, that’s pretty embarrassing.”

I laughed, “Still an asshole, huh?”

“Of course! You’d be mad if I wasn’t,” he chuckled before hugging me again quickly.  “This is great though, you two,” he turned to Justin who shook his head, “I’m serious. Stupid. Incredibly stupid, but great. I love it.”

“You always say that. Whenever you see me.” 

“And I always mean it,” he leaned over to kiss my cheek. 

“Alright, great. Thanks,” Justin spoke up to change the subject, “Help me bring it upstairs.”

“What is it?”

“It’s just a little freezer,” Justin spoke as they moved to pick up the box.

“Why are you taking a little freezer upstairs?” I asked the obvious question.

“I’m going to put it in your room,” he said as they slowly made their way up the stairs, “For the ice packs.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “Oh my god, you are so obsessed with these ice packs!”

Trace laughed and almost lost his grip. 

“He is absolutely obsessed,” I continued, “Seriously, why do I need a freezer in my bedroom?”

“Great, we’ll talk about it when we’re not carrying a 90 pound box up the stairs, ok?” Justin answered, his face turning red from carrying the awkward box.

“I can’t believe you’re putting a freezer in my bedroom,” I whined as I walked back to the couch, “There better be some ice cream in there!”

When they came back downstairs Trace fell to the couch, “It looks nice, matches your bedroom set.”

I let out a quick chuckle then turned to Justin, “Why do I need a freezer in my bedroom?”

“So you can just reach over and grab an ice pack,” he answered as if it were pretty obvious why I need a freezer in my bedroom. 

A freezer.

In my bedroom. 

I turned to Trace to get my mind of the craziness that is Justin. “So Trace, how has life changed since I saw you last?”

“Ugh, you know. Got married, had a kid. The usual.”

“He’s all grown up,” Justin answered with a smile, gently slapping his best friend’s shoulder. 

Trace moved next to me and took out his phone, showing me pictures of his daughter and wife. They’re all so cute, they look like such a happy little family. 

“Congratulations, Trace. They’re beautiful.”

“Yeah, thanks. I tricked her good,” he smiled, “How’s the kid? Must be getting big, huh?”

“Yeah, he’s really tall. He’s good, he’s great.”

“Still hate you?” Trace asked Justin.

“We’re working on it,” Justin smiled. 

I know Chris and I have always been Justin’s big secret. I mean, his own fiancé doesn’t even know he has a son. Then there’s his mother, who knows we exist but chooses to ignore it. It’s a weird feeling, knowing Trace is the person Justin goes to with everything concerning Chris and I. Trace is the one that knows everything, he knows how Justin really feels about Chris, how we dealt with things over the past years, and even how he’s dealing with it now. Trace knows more than anyone, and it’s so good to see him with Justin now.  

“I’ll leave before he gets home, I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”

“No, no way! You should stay. I think it would be good for Chris to meet you. He doesn’t really know much about Justin’s life and to be honest, you’re pretty much the only one he can meet.”

Trace turned to Justin. 

I turned to Justin, “I didn’t mean that as a dig. I just meant—“

“No, it’s true,” he shrugged, “For now it’s true. You should stay, Trace.”

I wanted to start a fight. I wanted to ask Justin why he still hasn’t told his fiancé he has a son.  I wanted to ask him when his mother was going to realize she can’t make us go away and she should have some sort of relationship with her grandson. When will she understand that Chris is a good kid, and he deserves better. She can hate me, I can hate her, but my son has nothing to do with any of this and should know his father’s mother. 

When school was over Chris came into the house, followed by Landon who was holding a huge bouquet of flowers. 

“Hi Miss Cole,” Landon made his way to the couch, “My mom said I can’t stay but she wanted me to give you these.”

“Wow,” I took it from his hands and took a big whiff of the flowers, “Thank you sweetie, that’s so nice of you. Tell your mother I said thank you, ok?”

“I will,” Landon nodded his head and tuned to Justin, “Hi Mr. Timberlake.”

“Hey, man. Call me Justin, remember? How’s it going?”

“Good. I remember, Justin. Look, I use the backpack all the time,” he turned around to show Justin the Lakers backpack he bought him when we went to the game, then headed towards the door. 

“That’s great. I’m glad you’re using it.”

“Yeah, I use all the stuff you got me! OK, I gotta go or my mom will get mad. Bye Miss Cole. Bye Justin. Later, Chris!”

I looked over at Chris, who was staring at Trace trying to figure out who this new person in his house is. 

“Chris, this is Trace. He’s Justin’s best friend.”

“Holy Shit!” Trace, ever the poet. 

“Trace, we don’t really use that kind of language in front of—“ I began. 

“Yeah, sorry. Holy… Moly he looks just like—-“ Trace looked between Justin and Chris, finally stopping on chris, “You look just like Justin did when he was your age. It’s creepy as fuck, I mean it’s creepy as… it’s just creepy. I swear to god you look just like—“

Chris had a look of panic on his face, and looked at me for some kind of help. I smiled, “You’ll have to show us a picture of when you were his age.”

“And you don’t look like an alien anymore, so that’s awesome.”

“Uh, thanks?” Chris answered. 

“Yeah yeah, you’re welcome,” Trace replied with a chuckle, “You looked like an alien when you were born, and I don’t mean that as an insult. It’s just the way it was. You looked like an alien. In a good way, I mean not in a bad way. J kept telling me you’d grown into it and I was like yeah, not so sure about that. But he was right, you did. And now you look just like him.”

Chris looked so confused, he was wondering who this guy is, and then why he was saying he looked like an alien when he was a baby. To my surprise, Chris turned to Justin for an explanation. 

“You didn’t look like an alien, you looked like a newborn baby. That’s what babies look like,” Justin assured Chris. 

“Well, yeah. Kind of. But he really looked like an alien. Remember, you got so mad,” he paused to laugh, “When I said if you really wanted to give him a good Halloween costume you could just paint him green and you’d have the best costume in the world.”

I chuckled, remembering that exact conversation. I was so pissed, mostly because I knew my son did look like an alien. He really did. “Babies look like aliens, Trace. He was probably the first newborn you had ever seen.”

“It’s true, you were,” Trace nodded his head, “God, Kelly was so mad at me for saying that.”

“You know Kelly?” Chris spoke up. 

“Yeah, of course I know Kelly,” he smiled, “How’s she doing?”

“She’s good. A certified therapist. Got married a few years ago, and is expecting her first baby next month.”

“That’s great, good for her. Anyway, I’m going to go. I just wanted to meet you. I’ll let you guys get to… whatever it is you do. I definitely didn’t mean it in a bad way, Chris. I’m just, ya’know. I say a lot of shit that I probably shouldn’t say, you’ll learn that about me fast. Anyway, yeah. Nice to meet you.” Trace leaned down to kiss my cheek, “So good to see you, Mac. I’ll see you soon, I hope,” he glared at Justin. 

“Yes, definitely. Bring your girls.”

“Yeah, totally. Cool. I’ll see you later.”

“I’ll walk you out,” Justin smiled and followed Trace to the door. 

“So, how was school?” I asked Chris once they left. 

“That was weird,” was his response. 

“Seeing you just made him really nervous. You know how weird this whole thing is for us, it’s weird for them too.”

“Yeah, sure. But he’s kinda weird.”

“Oh, he’s very weird,” I smiled, “He’s fun though, and he’s a good guy. He’s been very helpful to us, and very good to Justin. You’ll like him once the initial shock wears off.”