Justin left to go back on tour two months ago. Actually, more like 64 days ago, not that I’m counting or anything. I’m still trying to get used to this new life. Everything is different. I don’t have Justin anymore, but I have this baby instead.  

Some days are better than others. The nanny we found, Fiona,  is absolutely amazing. She has this natural warmth to her and the ability to make everything feel relaxed and low-key. She’s here all day and she makes dinner and makes me take naps. She doesn’t let me take naps, she makes me. Besides all that, she really teaches me how to do everything and gives me little tips and tricks that I never would have known without her. I never knew you those envelope folds on the top of the onesie are so you can pull them down if the baby has a poop-tastrophie.

Babies do that a lot, shit out of their diapers. No one warned me about that. Chris is a high achiever, and somehow managed to shit on the wall in the dining room. I had to duck for cover. It was in the middle of the night and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both. I tend to do both a lot now. 

I miss Justin so much, but we’re getting through it. He calls every day; in the morning, the afternoon, and at night. He wants constant updates, pictures, and asks me about every little thing. He’s worried about me, of course he is, and I think he calls so much because he wants to check on me, but I’m doing so much better than I was when he left. 

That doesn’t mean I don’t miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. Every morning when I wake up I can almost feel him next to me. Sometimes I even look for him. I know it’s stupid, I know he’s not here, but it still feels like he is. 

Chris misses Justin, too. I know that seems crazy because he’s only three months old, but I swear he’s always looking around for him. 

It sucks. It really sucks. I miss him so much. I miss him in so many different ways. I miss my boyfriend. I miss the father of my child. I miss my parenting partner. I miss him helping me in the middle of the night and listening to him softly sing Chris to sleep. I miss the way he always knew what to say to calm me down. I just miss having him here. 

“Alright Mackenzie, I’m off,” Fiona said as she grabbed her bag and came into the living room, “There’s soup on the stove. Hopefully this little guy will let you get some sleep tonight.”

“Thank you so much,” I answered with a whine, I don’t know why. I can’t even help myself anymore. I want her to stay here all night. 

Maybe I’m just lonely. 

Even though I’m not alone, it feels like I am. I can’t wait for Chris to grow up and be able to talk and understand me. I’m sure when those days come I’ll long for the days I could hold him in my arms. 

Chris moved away from me and smiled, before turning back to breastfeeding. Sometimes I think he can hear my thoughts. I watched him close his eyes and slowly drift off to sleep. He’s so cute, he really is so fucking adorable. Everybody thinks their kid is adorable, right? But mine is really adorable. Like, he should probably be the new Gerber Baby. Or at least be in the Huggies commercials. 

Oh my god, I’m starting to sound like Justin’s mother. Oh my god, what is happening to me? MAKE IT STOP. 

I stood up and carefully carried Chris upstairs to his crib, “I’m never going to make you be a Gerber Baby, or in a Huggies commercial,” I promised, “Or on the Mickey Mouse Club, or in a boyband. You're going to do whatever you want to do, and you’re going to fall in love with whoever you want to love with and I’m never, ever going to get in the way of that. And if you ever fall in love with a girl and end up getting her pregnant and have the most adorable son in the world I’m going to be right there with you helping out because I love you. And I’ll be here for you forever. No matter what.” I kissed his forehead and slowly placed him in his crib and coughed back a laugh, “Actually, it’s a good thing she doesn’t want to meet you because she would definitely sneak you away to a Gerber commercial. If she thought your daddy was cute, oh man, she wouldn’t be able to handle you.”

I turned the baby monitor on and quickly went back downstairs to eat dinner. Chris will probably only sleep for a half an hour, so I need to take advantage of it. 

The house is so quiet when he’s asleep. It doesn’t make sense really, because it’s not like he’s talking or making a lot of noses even when he’s awake. Sure, he cries, but not as much as he used to. Everything just seems so quiet and empty when he’s asleep and I’m alone. 

I heard the door open at looked up from my soup to see Justin standing in the doorway. He dropped a duffle bag at his feet and placed his hands in his jean pockets, giving me a sexy half smile as he looked up at me. He’s so sexy. Has he always been that sexy?

“What the hell are you doing here?” That came out wrong, rude and annoyed. I’m feeling the complete opposite. 

“Oh, alright it’s like that,” he nodded and turned his head, hoping to hide the smile but it didn’t work, “I’ll leave if you don’t want me here.”

“Shut up! Of course I want you here, but why are you here?” I quickly made my way over to him. He pulled me into a tight hug, wrapping his arms around my waist and I rested my head against his chest. The best hug ever. The kind of hug that makes you want to stay there forever, just like that. “But why are you here?” I repeated in a whisper. 

“Because I needed to see you,” he whispered back, “And my baby, where’s my baby?”

“He’s sleeping, don’t wake him, he’ll be up in like two minutes anyway. How are you here?”

“Why are you asking so many questions?”

“How long are you staying?” 

“Stop asking questions.”

“But I have so many!”

“Just… no questions. Give me a minute. Shhh,” he moved his hand to my head and ran it through my hair. 

“I missed you so much,” I whispered. 

“I missed you too. Shh.”

“Do you want some soup? Fiona made soup.”

“Honestly Mac, shut up.”

I smiled and looked up at him, his eyes were closed and his arms still wrapped around me tightly, “Why are you acting so weird?”

“No more questions.”

“You haven’t even kissed me yet. Why haven’t you kissed me yet?”

I watched a smile slide onto his face and he slowly opened his eyes and loosened his grip around me before picking me up and carrying me to the couch where he fell on top of me. He gently pressed his lips against mine and ran his hands over my body. 

OK yeah, it’s been a long time and I didn’t even realize how much I need this right now. How much I need him right now. I moved my hand to unbutton his pants but he pulled away, mid kiss. 

“Wait, wait, are you supposed to—?”

“Yes, we’re supposed to,” I answered as I pulled his fly down.

“No, but I mean, you’re allowed to?” he grabbed my hand to stop me, “Aren’t you supposed to wait after you had the baby?”

“Yeah, six weeks it’s been like twelve,” I pushed his hand away and started to pull his jeans down. 

“Are you sure? Doesn’t it hurt or—“

“Oh my god! No more questions. I want you right now. I’m allowed to have you. I need you. Fuck me, Justin! How else do I need to say it?”

That smile slid back to his face and he bit at his lip to hide it before pushing my sweatpants down my legs. He pulled my shirt over my head and looked down at my big new mom breasts. 

“Just don’t… touch them cause they’re full and they might…” I trailed off as I watched his face shift, he’s getting weirded out about that. I shouldn’t have said anything, but then he would have massaged them and they would have leaked and squirted breastmilk in his eye. That would have been way worse. 

I moved my lips to his to distract him, and slowly reached down to grab onto him. He deepened the kiss and pulled his shirt off, before moving my leg to better position himself. 

“Shit. Do you have a—?”

“Oh yeah, yeah,” he stood up and reached to his jeans on the floor, quickly going through his wallet to find a condom, “We don’t want to do that ag—“ he trailed off and placed it over his hard dick before crawling back on top of me, “You’re absolutely sure that you—“

“Justin!” I moved my hips into him. I don’t know what’s up with him and all the questions. He pulled my leg up and thrust inside of me. It hurt for a second, but then it was good. It was so good. 

“I love you,” Justin said as he moved his lips to my neck, “So much.”

“I love you, too.”

“I missed you,” he continued thrusting, “So much.”

“I missed you too, can we maybe talk about this later?”

He chuckled and repositioned my leg before holding my hands over my head and kissing my lips passionately. I heard myself moan and felt as if I was almost ready to explode. 

And then I heard crying. 

At first I thought it was just phantom crying, I hear Chris crying even when he’s not. But Justin heard it too, and stopped mid-thrust. 

“No, no don’t stop.”

“Is he alright, he’s—?”

“He’s fine he can cry for a minute. Don’t stop, please. I’m so close.”

Justin turned to look at the monitor, as if it had a screen or something and wasn’t just a little walkie talkie. 

“Please,” I whined and pulled him closer. 

He nodded his head and turned back to me, pressing his lips against me and thrusting into me deeply. Harder. Faster. My whole body tensed up and then I felt an explosion.

Justin carefully rolled off me and pulled his clothes on as I laid there trying to catch my breath. “You good?” he asked with a half smile.

“Yeah baby, I’m good.”

He chuckled and tossed my t-shirt at me, “I’m going to get him, alright? I’ll bring him down here.”

“OK,” I nodded my head and watched him walk up the stairs, “I love you!”

Justin stopped in his tracks, and leaned down so I could see his head at the top of the stairs, “Do you think maybe we could talk about this later?”

I laughed and grabbed the pillow from under my head and threw it towards him. Not that it was anywhere near him, it’s the thought that counts. 

God, I love that man.