April 2014

“I can walk down the stairs by myself,” I shouted from the top step as I heard the piano stop and Justin quickly fumble towards the stairs. 

“Of course you can,” he called has he made his way closer. 

“I can,” I assured myself. 

“You can,” he made it to the bottom step and looked up at me with a smile, “Do you want me to—“

I shook my head as he trailed off, I don’t want him to do anything because I can walk down the stairs. All by myself. I grabbed onto the railing with my lefthand and pressed firmly against the wall with my right, before taking a deep breath and oh so slowly made it down the first step. 

I felt myself exhale the breath I’ve been holding in. That wasn’t so bad. I looked down at Justin, as if needing some sort of praise. 

He smiled, understanding exactly what the look I was giving him meant, “Alright! Check you out!”

I gave him a dirty look because, in reality, that was a little sarcastic. Yeah, I know making my way down one step isn’t a big deal. This is why I feel like a complete fool for needing encouragement in such a mundane task.  But, I did fall down a big hill, or thrown myself off a cliff, depending on how you want to look at it, just a few weeks ago. This is my first attempt at walking down the stairs. That was hard, dammit. And I did it. 

“Why are you giving me that look? I’m encouraging you. I’m giving you positive reinforcement,” Justin answered with a chuckle as he leaned against the wall. 

“Yeah, you’d make a great  kindergarten teacher,” I answered with an eye roll and was silent for a few seconds, focusing on the next step. 

My palms were sweaty, so I let go of the railing and wiped my left hand on my jeans, then did the same with my right. I took another deep breath and made it down the second step. I looked at Justin,  waiting for a little recognition. 

“Right,” Justin smiled after noticing my look, “Way to go girl, you’re taking those steps like a champ!”

“I feel like you’re not taking this seriously enough.”

“I’m taking this so seriously. I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.”

“How am I not taking this seriously? I’m walking down the stairs. All by myself.”

“And I’m here at the bottom, ready to catch you when you fall.”

I gave him a dirty look for about a half a second before I lost my cool and started laughing. 

“Pull yourself together, kid. You really are going to fall.”

“I’m not going to fall!” I answered seriously. He has no faith in me, none. 

“OK, can you move?” I heard my son behind me, not exactly sure how long he’s been there or where he even came from, “Unless you don’t want me to go to school. Cause I can stay home. But if you want me to go to school you have to move cause I’m going to be late.”

I moved to the side and rested my forehead against the wall, feeling slightly embarrassed Chris witnessed whatever it was he witnessed.

“You’re so weird,” he spoke softly as he passed me. 

“I might be weird, but my hearing is amazing!” I shouted after him.

Justin laughed as he moved back to the bottom of the stairs, rubbed his hands together and held his arms out like he was a football player ready to make a catch,  “Let’s go!”

It may have taken me about five minutes, but dammit I made it to the bottom step all by myself. Chris ran by with his backpack flung over one shoulder, then turned back as if just noticing I did, in fact, make it downstairs. He chuckled as he opened the door, “Way to go, Ma!”

The door slammed shut before I could respond and Justin shrugged, “So now what? You don’t need me anymore, huh? Walking down the stairs like a pro.”

“I’ve always been really good at walking down the stairs, ever since I was a baby,” I smiled proudly. 

“You’re so weird,” Justin mimicked Chris’s comment from a few minutes before. 

I rolled my eyes. 

“Think you’re ready to venture out of the house today? Maybe head out to the diner and grab some lunch later?”

I began to nod my head, but stopped when I realized I already had lunch plans with Matt. All Justin has to do is mention the diner and I forget everything else. 

“I’m going with Matt today,” I watched the smile slowly slide off his face, “I told you that, didn’t I?”

“Nope,” he answered quickly then continued after a beat, “It’s fine, I mean you don’t have to tell me that.”

“No I know, I just thought I told you. You can have the afternoon off,” I offered with a smile, “I’m sure you have a lot to do. I’ve been kind of monopolizing your time lately.”

“It’s fine,” he shrugged and moved to the piano, “maybe now that you’re a pro at walking down stairs and shit you can help me with this song?”

I followed him to the piano, “having you here is like having a constant piano teacher forcing me to practice nonstop.”

He chuckled and handed me a mug of coffee, “you need to practice more.”

“Right, I need to practice more. How’s the Chopin coming?”

“Shut up, it’s coming,” he smiled and placed his coffee on the top of the piano, “I’m getting there.”

“Do not put your coffee on my piano!” I shouted and grabbed it, what is wrong with him? “Why would you put your coffee on my piano? Is this what you do while I’m sleeping?”

“Relax,” he grabbed the coffee from me with a laugh, “I put it on my piano. You didn’t want it, remember?”

“You put it on John LENNON’s piano. You don’t deserve this piano.”

“Remember when you didn’t want this piano?” he repeated. 

“I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about. Just put your coffee on the side table please.”

“Yes ma’am,” he took another sip and placed the cup on the table, “help me with this run.”

~~~~~

  It wasn’t until the doorbell rang that I realized the time. Time goes by so fast when we’re on the piano, and also when I’m with Justin. So, I guess when I’m with Justin and on the piano it’s inevitable. 

“I hate that fucking doorbell,” Justin spoke as he stopped playing. 

“Tell me about it! I’ve hated it for thirteen years.”

“Well get a new one! It’s your house, Mac. A doorbell is’t something you have to deal with your whole life.”

“You can just change it?” I asked seriously. I mean, I know it’s possible to change it, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. 

“Like me, personally?” he asked. I shrugged and he chuckled, “Yeah, sure I can change it. I’ll find you something even more annoying.”

I slapped his shoulder as I stood up. 

“I didn’t realize the time. I would have left. Do you want me to leave?”

“No, why would I want you to leave?” I asked the question, he doesn’t make sense sometimes, “We’re just going to lunch.”

~~~~~

“So you’re completely cured then?” Matt asked once we sat down at the restaurant. 

“Hardly,” I laughed, “I mean I walked down the stairs all by myself today, but I’m not going to be running a marathon any time soon.”

“To be fair, you weren’t close to that point before you fell either. I’m pretty sure falling off a cliff isn’t going to give you super powers.”

“Uh, I’m pretty sure this kind of thing does give you super powers, didn’t you see Angels in the Outfield?”

“Oh yeah, that documentary about the kid who played baseball,” he shook his head and smiled, “That was a real heart-warming, true story.”

“You get it,” I laughed.

“Of course I get it,” he looked down at his menu. 

Of course he gets it.

“Hey, how did that meeting go?”

Ryan raised in eyebrow in that way he does, “what meeting?”

“REI!” 

“Oh yeah, good we got it.”

“And you didn’t think to bring that up?”

He shrugged, “this isn’t a work meeting. It’s not that big of a deal.”

I don’t understand how he can sit across from me and act like the fact that he just got REI to sell his company’s surfboards isn’t a big deal. HOW IS THAT NOT A BIG DEAL?

“It’s a huge deal! Matt, honestly, that’s awesome.”

“It’s just a bunch of stores, they’re testing it out. How’s Chris?”

Changing the subject. Always changing the subject.

“He’s good, really stepping up and helping out. I think my mom guilted him into it.”

“Yeah, probably,” he laughed, “How’s he dealing with Justin?”

“Sometimes Chris doesn’t ignore him,” I smiled, “Sometimes he even talks to him.”

Matt nodded his head and turned back to the menu. I’m not sure what he wanted me to say, but I feel like it definitely wasn’t that. I have no idea how I’m supposed to be handling this situation. It’s still so weird to even talk about Justin with someone that isn’t my parents or Kelly. I hardly talked about him even with them. 

Matt was quiet for a few minutes, using the idea of looking over the menu as an excuse. I know him better than that. I know he’s going to order the veggie burger with bacon and the waitress is going to give him a look like they always do because who orders a veggie burger with bacon? Matt does. He likes veggie burgers, he’s not a vegetarian. He likes bacon because he’s human. Why not get a veggie burger with bacon?

“So he’s been staying with you then?” Matt asked after the waitress took our order. 

I nodded my head, “he feels responsible.”

I saw Matt roll his eyes before trying to hide it behind his glass of water. I don’t know what that’s about. It’s definitely not like him.

“Um, ok? So—“

“Sorry, it’s just weird,” he began once he realized I caught his eye roll, “it’s just, so weird.”

“But you know him, so you know it’s not that weird.”

“It’s weird because I know him.  I always wanted to know about Chris’s father and it was always so secretive and I couldn’t ask because you always put those walls up and if I even tried to find something out and asked you a simple question it would just ruin everything. The whole day would be ruined. And I get that, I mean I don’t really get that but it’s your situation and you can keep whatever you want a secret. I mean we were basically living together and close to—“ he trailed off, “this is getting off track. What I’m saying is I always wanted to know about Chris’s father. I thought he lived somewhere far away or you didn’t even know. And the whole time it was him. This guy I played ball with every Thursday.”

I ran my hand through my hair and looked down at the table, “I’m sorry. I really am. I wanted to tell you, it’s just such a weird situation. I didn’t know how to deal with it. There’s no books on this. I mean, I think it’s safe to say I did a horrible job figuring it out. I should have told you. I would have loved to tell you but I was so scared and I didn’t want to get in trouble or ruin anything or—“

Now it was my turn to trail off. 

“I get that it’s a secret and you didn’t want anyone to know. I’m sure this much more to it than you just not wanting anyone to know. I’m sure there’s reasons, probably legal reasons, but you still could have told me.”

Matt took another sip of his water before continuing, “Look Mac, I know you want Chris to have a relationship with his father. I know that’s important to you, and it’s important to Chris, even if he doesn’t know that yet. I get it. I just think you need to be careful. I know Justin is… he’s a good guy but he’s got a lot of baggage. His life is crazy and… well you know more than I do about that. I’m just saying that he’s put you and Chris through a lot already and I don’t want him to… just be careful.”

“I’m careful,” I assured him. 

“Yeah I know, I just…”

“I’m careful,” I repeated, “You don’t know him that well. I mean you played ball with him and I’m sure you grabbed drinks or whatever. But, you don’t really know everything that we went through. You don’t know him like I do.”

“No, you’re right. I don’t,” Matt began, “The Justin I knew was a young guy without a care in the world. He definitely wasn’t Chris’s father. The Justin you know isn’t engaged to a supermodel. The Justin Chris knows is a complete stranger who didn’t want anything to do with him. The Justin his fiancé knows is probably off on tour or shooting a movie somewhere. That’s the point, Mac. He’s someone else with everyone. Which one is the real Justin?”

~~~~~

I waved goodbye to Matt before closing the door and slowly falling to the couch. That was exhausting.

“Oh hey, I didn’t even hear you come in,” Justin said as he sat down on the chair opposite me with a sandwich, “Have fun?”

I nodded my head, not fooling anybody. I watched as he ate his sandwich, Matt’s words echoing in my mind. He is kind of right, not about everything but about some things. I always knew Justin had a few different lives, one where he was a world famous celebrity, one where he was just my boyfriend, or later Chris’s father. I know he had to keep his worlds separate. But now there are even more worlds. The one with his fiance, who I’m pretty sure still doesn’t know Chris even exists. 

“What?” Justin asked with a chuckle as he finished his sandwich, “What’s going on?”

“Just tired.”

“Want me to help you upstairs?”

I shook my head. 

“That’s right, you can do the stairs on your own now,” he smiled. 

I didn’t smile. 

“So I, take it you had a good lunch,” he said sarcastically and chuckled as he went into the kitchen to put his dish in the dishwasher. When he came back he headed towards the piano, but then stopped and turned back to me, “Do you want to talk about something?”

I bit at my lip nervously, “I guess I’m just kind of curious if you told your fiancé about Chris yet.”

“No, I haven’t,” he answered confidently. 

I nodded my head, “How do you… like where does she think you are?”

“Working.”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes without even realizing it until it was too late.

“If you want to say something, say it.”

I closed my eyes, not really wanting to get into it right now. But then again, if I don’t when will I? We need to get into it. We need to have this discussion. We need to live in the real world and stop ignoring it. 

“I guess I just don’t understand why you haven’t told her. And when you’re planning on telling her.”

“I don’t know, Mac. It hasn’t come up.”

“It’s never going to come up. The longer you wait the more upset she’s going to be. Is that why you’re not telling her?”

“No.”

I took a deep breath, “I just don’t get it. When we were together you told me everything.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. 

“So why aren’t you telling her?”

He put his head in his hands and rubbed his temples, “Because it’s different. Relationships are different, Mac. They’re not all the same. I told you everything, that was our relationship. I don’t tell her everything, that’s our relationship.”

“How do you not tell her everything?”

“It’s different.”

“But you’re marrying her! And you’re not going to tell her you have a son?” I felt myself getting choked up, it’s so stupid. I quickly wiped my eyes before they could even start to tear up.

“I’m going to tell her.”

“When?”

“I don’t know, Mac. It’s not the same as it was with you, it’s not that easy to tell her things.”

“But this is a big thing you need to tell her!”

“I get it!” he shouted and started pacing around the room, “I know, I get it. I will. I just don’t,” he paused to gather his thoughts and ran his hands through his hair, “I don’t understand what your sudden concern is. I’m sorry if this is what Matt wants to spend his lunch hour talking to you about.  If this is the fucking card he wants to play, fine. But I don’t understand what this has to do with anything.”

“It has to do a lot with everything because what happens when she finds out and she tells you it’s not ok? What happens when she doesn’t want you to have a thirteen year old son?And he finally is getting close to you and he’s finally opening up and you’re going to go because she doesn’t want you to have a son.”

Justin stopped pacing and turned to me, “Mac, I…”

The door flung open and I quickly wiped my eyes, “No homework!” Chris shouted as tossed his backpack to the floor. “Not a single math problem, NOTHING! I mean it this time, I even wrote it in my planner. NOTHING!”

Chris stood by the couch and looked at me, then at Justin, then back to me. He’s too old to hide anything from, he can see it right away. “What’s going on?”

“It’s time for a concert, “ Justin said with a smile as he made his way to the piano, “Sit down.”

Chris looked at me and I forced a smile, holding my arm out for him to sit with me. 

Justin cracked his knuckles and cleared his throat, “This is a little song I’ve been working on. Try not to be too impressed by my skills.”

Chris turned to me and I shrugged as Justin began playing Mozart’s Rondo Alla Turca, or Turkish March. I let out a quick chuckle and pulled Chris closer to me. 

I was actually quite impressed. I mean sure, he didn’t get the dynamics right every time, but the runs were perfect. When Justin finished he stood up and put his hands out as if he would drop the mic if there was one to drop. 

Chris looked at me and I gave him a quick nod. 

He stood up and walked to the piano just as Justin walked away. Chris cracked his knuckles and his neck, and cleared his throat just like his father did a few minutes before. He took the sheet music that was on the piano and made a point of closing it and placing on the table side table next to him. 

Chris took a deep breath and began playing the same song. The runs were beautiful, the dynamics perfect. My son, my amazing son. I turned to Justin, who couldn’t take his eyes off our son. I couldn’t tell if he was proud or pissed. 

When Chris finished he mimicked getting up as Justin did a few minutes before and took a bow. 

“What the hell was that?” Justin asked. 

Chris chuckled, “between my mother being so thrilled because she was able to walk down a flight of stairs this morning and my father, a professional musician, being proud he’s able to play a song I learned when I was eight… I’m really worried about you guys.”

I threw my head in my hands as I laughed. 

“You learned Mozart when you were eight? I thought you didn’t play!” Justin said as he looked at me, then back to Chris, “you said you don’t play.”

Chris shrugged, “I don’t play.”

“You obviously play.”

“Well of course I play a little. You know my mom, she forces me to play sometimes.”

Justin shook his head, trying to take it all in, “This changes everything.”

“Or it doesn’t change anything,” Chris said as he stood up, “I’m going to go swimming, want to go swimming?”

“Yeah,” Justin nodded his head, “Go get changed.”

Justin sat back down and waited until he heard Chris’s door close to speak, “He called me his father, did you hear that?”

“I did.”

“He never called me his father before.”

“I know,” I answered softly, wishing I had some control over my damn emotions. 

“About before,” Justin looked up at me and began sincerely, “what you said, you don’t have to worry about that. It’s not going to happen. I’m not going to leave and if she has a problem with it then, I’ll have to rethink that relationship because I sure as hell am not rethinking this one.”