September 2002

“Mama, no baba. Toy.”

“Christopher, no toy. Baba.” 

“No! Mama! Toy!”

I took a deep breath and grabbed my eighteen month old son in my arms, “Sweetheart, drink your baba so we can get you ready for bed.”

He laid down in my arms and grabbed onto the sippie cup I handed him. I rocked him in my arms, trying to get him to relax a little. He’s definitely over tired and when he gets too tired he becomes a little brat. 

“Mama, sing.”

This kid and his constant need for singing! He’s clearly his father’s son. I, on the other hand, have quite possibly the worst singing voice ever, even when it’s singing Hush Little Baby. 

However, I’m a mother and it is my job to sing to this kid when he wants me to. It’s so much easier when Justin is around and able to step in with the singing, but he’s been on tour for the past three months and is apparently dating some teen pop star. Oh right, and legally I’m not supposed to have any contact with him.

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about this new development I just learned a few days ago while I was waiting in line at the supermarket. It’s an interesting experience, standing in line with a crying baby and nothing his father’s face on the cover of a magazine discussing his new girlfriend.  I don’t even know the whole story. I do know he used to call me a few times a day but now he calls me once a week. I’ve talked to him on the phone since I saw the magazine but I couldn’t ask him about it. I don’t really think I have any right to.

The truth is, legally, we’re not supposed to have any contact with each other. Justin has been spending every free minute he has here with Chris and I, but it’s not supposed to happen. It’s a secret. If anyone found out, who knows what kind of trouble we would be in. It’s still so weird to me that Justin can get in trouble for seeing his son, but that’s the reality of our world. 

I don’t know how long this can last. Chris is only getting older. It’s only a matter of time before he’s old enough to form memories. Justin can’t keep doing this coming and going in secret thing. Chris is going to start asking for him. Not even to mention we can’t have him having these memories when he’s supposed to know nothing about his father. 

Chris looked up at me and moved the sippy cup from his face, “Mama.”

“Christopher.”

He giggled and placed a hand on my cheek, “Mama. Dance!” he shouted before he wiggled out of my arms, and onto the floor. He bounced around, dancing to the music in his head. He’s so weird. Adorable, but weird.

I danced my way over to the stereo so at least we could dance to some actual music. Chris giggled and clapped his hands as he continued dancing. I picked him up and twirled him in my arms . 

Chris squealed and threw his hands up in the air. I turned to see what he was looking at, and saw Justin standing in the doorway. 

“Did I make it just in time for the dance party?” he smiled as he dropped his bag. 

I placed Chris on the floor and watched as he ran over to his father. Justin picked him up and danced around the room. I moved to the couch, watching my boys carefully. I love these moments when Justin’s here. They’re so cute together. 

Justin plopped on the couch next to me and Chris crawled from his lap to mine. “Hi.”

“Hi,” I smiled, “This is a surprise.”

“I just flew in. I have to leave tomorrow night but I just wanted to come by and see you guys before I head off. European leg of the tour.” 

“Dada! Dance!”

“Alright, let’s dance man!” Justin laughed as he helped Chris off the couch and began dancing around the room again. 

Chris was having the time of his life, giggling and squealing as he tried to copy his father’s dance moves. They had a dance battle, Justin doing one move then pointing to Chris who did his own version. I’ve never laughed so much in my life. 

It wasn’t much longer before Chris started running around in circles. “What’s going on, Bubba?”

“He’s so overtired, he does this now. It’s his new thing,” I laughed as I held my arms out, “Chris, come here Bubs.”

Chris took a deep breath before running so fast into my arms that I fell back on the couch. 

“You are such a goof,” I managed to stand up and carry him towards the stairs.

“Mama, no! Stop! Dada!”

“I’m coming,” Justin followed me and grabbed Chris from my arms. 

This might as well be a dream. These few times that everything falls into place make me question the millions of regrets I’ve been having lately. If life could just be like this all the time, it would be great.

I sat in the rocking chair and watched Justin change Chris’s diaper and put him in his pajamas. They shared deep conversations and giggles. Once he was changed and ready for bed Justin placed Chris in my arms, “Say goodnight to Mommy.”

Chris stood on my lap and placed a hand on either of my cheeks, “Night, night Mama,” he smiled before kissing my forehead. 

“Night, night Christopher,” I hugged him tightly, “I love you.”

He giggled as a response, then stuck his finger up his nose.

Boys. 

“Don’t do that,” I laughed and pulled his finger out of his nose, grabbing a tissue to wipe off his hand, “So yucky!”

Justin grabbed Chris from my arms. He turned the overhead light off, so the only light was coming from the nightlight in the corner. Justin began singing his go to lullabye, John Lennon’s Beautiful Boy. 

Close your eyes

Have no fear

The monster’s gone

He’s on the run

And your daddy’s here

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy. 

I sat quietly on the rocking chair, watching Justin sing to his son. My son. Our son. 

I love these moments, when I can escape the realities and pretend that this is our life. Of course it doesn’t last long, in this case it only lasted until Justin stopped singing and Chris was sound asleep. 

Justin kissed Chris’s forehead and gently placed him in the crib. He slowly backed away and grabbed onto my hand, pulling me up then wrapping his arm around my waist as we walked to my bedroom. 

“I still can’t get him to sleep like you can.”

“It’s just because I’m so boring, and you’re so fun. He wants to stay awake and be with you,” Justin said as he kissed me gently and fell down on the bed, taking me with him. 

“I’m pretty sure that’s not it.”

Justin shrugged, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

“Good,” he gave me a half smile, “Let’s make out.”

I laughed, and Justin kissed me before I could object. Not that I would have, but still. 

He pulled away and just looked at me. He does this a lot, gets caught up in everything and then his brain catches up. I tried to comfort him by running my hand through his hair. I wish I knew how to help when he starts to overthink everything. 

“He’s getting so big,” Justin spoke softly, “He has a personality and everything. He’s like, becoming a human.”

I smiled, “Yeah, he’s becoming a human.”

“It’s crazy” Justin rolled off me and looked up t the ceiling, “he’s going to be a foot taller by the time I see him again. He’s going to be having full out conversations.”

I never know what to say. I never know how to deal with this. 

“I don’t want to leave tomorrow,” he continued talking, not necessarily to me, just talking, “I don’t even want to tour. It’s not even fun anymore it’s—“ he stopped and turned to me, “Marry me, Mac.”

“Justin,” I whined. 

This is how it always happens. There’s an obvious progression and we go through it every time. Justin comes over. He’s happy and plays with Chris and then he puts him to bed. Then it’s just Justin and I and we’re good for a few minutes but then it starts. The reality catches up and Justin realizes he has no control over his life and can’t even see his own son. Then he wants to quit and he wants to get married and then he falls asleep. But when he wakes up, he leaves. A few months later he comes back and it starts all over again. 

“Let’s just do it,” he grabbed onto my hand, “I don’t care about anything else. I’ve got money saved, we can move to an island somewhere. You can give piano lessons and I’ll sell coconuts on the corner.”

I laughed, that’s a new one. “You’ll see coconuts on the corner?”

“Yeah sure, why not? I like coconuts,” his smile makes everything better. “Chris can help.”

“Chris would love to sell coconuts with you on the corner.”

“Yeah, I think he would,” he chuckled, “We’re getting distracted. I want to marry you.”

“OK. Where’s my ring?”

“I’ll get you a ring.”

“OK,” I answered softly, “We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

Justin let out a sigh and fell back onto the bed, “Why don’t you ever take it seriously?”

“Because we’ve been through this how many times? It’s always the same. It’s not going to happen. It can’t happen. What good does it do us to keep pretending it will?”

“It’s not pretending, Mac it’s—“ he paused as the doorbell rang, “Who is at your door at ten o’clock at night?”

“No one for me,” I answered as I heard banging at the door. 

“No one for me. No one knows I’m here,” Justin answered as we made our way downstairs. 

“Well whoever it is is going to wake up Chris, so hurry up,” I gently pushed against his back so he’d move down the stairs faster. 

Justin went to the front door, looked out the peephole, then stepped away, “Shit.”

“What? Who is it?”

He didn’t answer, instead he said “Shit,” again and moved into the living room. 

I looked out the peephole and saw Justin’s mother banging angrily. I turned to Justin, “What are you going to hide or something? She’s going to wake up Chris.”

“What are we going to do?”

“What can we do? Do you want to sneak out the back or something,” I rolled my eyes. I’m so exhausted. I’m so sick of having to deal with all of this shit. “She’s going to wake up the baby,” I answered sternly. “You need to make her stop.”

You need to be a man is what I wanted to say. You need to stand up to your mother, 

you’re an adult, you have a son, stop being such a scared little boy when it comes to your mother. 

Justin took a deep breath and slowly opened the door. His mother pushed past him and into my home. “What the fuck are you doing here?” she shouted at her son, “What is wrong with you? Why are you here?” she turned to me and gave me a dirty look. 

“Nice to see you again,” I answered sarcastically. 

She ignored me and turned back to her son, “Why are you here?”

“Because I want to see my son, Ma,” he finally spoke up, “I want to see Mac.”

“Oh, you want to see Mac. Oh good, you saw her and her little perfect life, right? You’ve got your house. You’ve got your pool. My son has given you all this shit and he’s still stupid enough to believe you actually care about him and not his money.”

“My perfect life?” I asked out of disbelief. How is my life even close to perfect? I’m a single mother, I haven’t even finished college yet. I can even see the man I love, my son won’t know his father, and I’m not even old enough to legally have a drink to drown my sorrows. 

“Your perfect life. You’ve got it made and you know it. Are we still pretending this wasn’t all part of your plan? Now what, the child support isn’t enough? You’re going to trick him into getting you pregnant again?”

“Mom, stop,” Justin spoke up again. It’s surprising when he actually does, even if it’s only two words. 

And now the baby is crying. I made my way upstairs and grabbed onto Chris, “Hi sweetheart it’s ok. I’m sorry we woke you up. Go back to sleep.”

“Mama,” he whined. 

“Baby,” I whined back. I’m so exhausted, part of me just wants to take Chris into  my room with me and lock the door. Justin and his mother can figure out their own shit and leave us alone. I’m so sick of all this.

“Dada,” Chris whined again and rested his head against my shoulder.

I don’t know why I took him downstairs. Maybe I thought Justin’s mother wouldn’t yell in front of him. Maybe I thought once she saw Chris she’d understand and everything would be ok. 

She glanced over at me. As soon as she noticed Chris in my arms she turned her back to me and continued yelling at Justin. 

“Well you woke him up,” I spoke softly, “Don’t you want to see him?”

“Justin,” she ignored me, “I swear to god, get your things and get the hell out of this house.”

“Mom, why don’t you look at my son?” Justin asked, “Do you want to hold him?”

I clutched onto Chris tightly, the thought of this woman holding my son scared me to death. She’d probably drop him, or throw him, or who knows what else.

“I want you to get your things, Justin. You’re not supposed to be here.”

“OK, but I’m here. And you’re here. And Chris is here, and this is this first time you’re meeting your grandson. So why don’t you sit down and meet him?”

“I don’t want to meet him. I want you to leave.”

“He’s your grandson,” I spoke up, “he’s so great and I really think you’ll fall in love with him if you just give him a chance. Then you’ll realize how hard this is for Justin, and what you’re really asking of him. To leave his son.”

She pointed a finger at me, “I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t give a shit about your son. He’s not Justin’s son. He sure as hell is not my grandson. I don’t want anything to do with your son,” she turned back to Justin, “Now get your fucking things and get out of this house.”

I don’t know why I’m crying. She’s obviously crazy. It’s one thing for her to hate me but why does she hate Chris? It’s not fair. He hasn’t done anything. She’s his grandmother, he should know his father’s mother.

“Great, cry,” she rolled her eyes, “Does that work for you, Justin? Does her crying make you feel bad? Is that how she tricks you?”

“Mom, would you stop? Why do you keep doing this? Don’t you see how much you’re fucking up my life? I’m your son! Don’t you want me to be happy?”

“You were happy before you met her and you’ll be happy again when all this bullshit is over.”

“It’s not bullshit. Why do you refuse to see it? It’s so obvious. I love her. And my son, I love my son.”

“That’s wonderful, Justin. We’re all really happy for you,” she rolled her eyes, “I can’t stand here and listen to you anymore. I’m going to my car and if you’re not out in 5 minutes I’m calling the lawyers and we’re going to start a big shit storm,” she finally turned to me, ignoring the baby in my arms, “This house. Your child support. Your tuition. Your car payment, all this shit is dependent on that contract you signed a year ago. That contract that clearly states that it all goes away if you have any contact with my son. Sure as hell looks to me like there’s some contact going on here. Go ahead and test me. See what happens.”

She slammed the door on her way out and Chris woke up again. 

“It’s ok,” I answered softly between tears as I tried to rock him back to sleep. 

“I’m so sorry, Mac. I don’t know how she—“

“I can’t keep doing this, Justin.” I spoke in a whisper, “it’s too much. It’s never-ending. It’s really screwing me up.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to do.”

“We just need to stop,” I cried. 

“And then they win.”

“They already won. We signed a contract.”

“No,” Justin shook his head and began pacing around the room, “This isn’t what I want. I never wanted this. I didn’t want to sign the contract and I can’t. It’s a stupid piece of paper, I can’t just stop seeing my son because of a stupid piece of paper.”

I watched his eyes get red and puffy. His voice started to crack as he spoke and then there were tears, I can’t handle the tears. 

“What if—“ he paused to sniffle, “What if I don’t want that? What if I rip up that stupid piece of paper and let them sue me. It’s not going to really… I mean what court is going to…?”

“And then what, you’ll just never talk to your mother again?”

“She’ll come around.”

I actually laughed. He’s so stupid sometimes. 

“What else can I do?”

“You just have to go, Justin. You have to go.”

“I don’t want to.”

“You have to.”

“I can’t, Mac! He’s my son. Why doesn’t anyone get that? He’s a part of me, and I can’t just leave and pretend he doesn’t exist. I don’t want him to grow up without a father. I did and it sucked, I don’t want him to.”

“It’s different,” I said as I placed Chris in his pack and play, “You’re not your father, and Chris will know that. He’s not going to feel neglected.”

“Yes he is. No matter what you do, he’s still going to. He needs his father. He’s a little boy and he needs a father. He’s going to hate me.”

“No he’s not,” I promised and wrapped my arms around Justin’s waist, “I won’t let him.”

He shook his head, “You can’t— it’s not up to you.”

“Of course it is! I’m his mother. I have that kid in the palm of my hand.”

Justin gave me a slight smile, “you need to send me pictures, and let me know how he’s doing. Not just the big milestones either, just random pictures all the time.” I nodded my head, “He needs to know that I love him and I didn’t abandon him. I don’t want this, he has to know I didn’t want this.”

“I promise,” I answered in a whisper, tears falling down my face.

Justin placed his hands on my cheeks and wiped away my tears, “And what about you? How am I supposed to leave you?”

We’ve been through his so many times, but it feels real this time. It feels like the end, like I’m not going to see him anymore, or even hear from him anymore. This is it.

“I love you so much. I just want you to know that. I wish things were different and I’m so sorry all this shit is happening to you because of me. You had no idea what you were getting yourself into when we met at that party.”

“I know, I thought I was hanging out with Michael from Kentucky.”

Justin chuckled, “As soon as this all blows over I’m going to go back to being Michael from Kentucky. I’m going to come right here with a real ring and we’re going to get married. And be a family. And forget all this other shit ever happened.”

Justin wrapped his arms around me and gave me one last kiss. It made my knees go weak and my tears fall even more. He picked up Chris and whispered something that I couldn’t hear over my tears. He held him tightly and closed his eyes before kissing his forehead and placing him back in the pack and play. 

“I love you,” he called to me before picking up his bag.

I ran over to him and kissed him one last time, “I love you. Be careful. Don’t let her control everything.”