May 2, 2014

I can’t believe I have to go back to work next week. I’ve really been enjoying my time off, even if I was hardly able to move for most of it. I looked up from my book when I heard Justin stop playing the piano. He picked up his phone and walked into the other room. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen once I’m back at work. It’s kind of scary actually. Justin will probably leave, there’s no point of him staying anymore. I’m better, I can take care of myself.  He doesn’t have to feel responsible for it anymore. 

This time together has really helped Justin and Chris. They don’t have the perfect relationship yet, but I can really see it growing. It’s been good for Chris to have him around. I even heard them talking the other night after I went to bed. On their own. Like, after they went to their rooms Chris went into Justin’s room to talk. On his own. 

Justin came back in the room and sat down next to me on the couch. He offered a smile, “What do you need?”

“Nothing, I’m good.”

“Excited to go back to work?”

“I am, kind of. I’m glad it’s only a few days a week for awhile.”

“Yeah, good to ease into it.”

“When are you going back to work?”

He shrugged and leaned back, “I’m kind of in a transition phase.”

“I see that,” I laughed and leaned back with him, “It’s pretty weird… for you.”

“Why?” he looked over at me, “I’ve been needing this for a long time. You know that.”

“Yeah, I know. But why now?”

“I guess the timing is right,” he shrugged and looked away from me, “It was never right, but it was always right, ya’know? You called and I got to meet him and I know I’ve met him but this time I really got to meet him and know him as a person.”

I smiled as Justin continued rambling. 

“I guess my priorities changed?” he turned to me, “I have no idea Mac, why are you asking such difficult questions?”

“It was a simple question! You made it difficult.”

He chuckled, “Yeah, maybe. So look, I want to take you and Chris out tonight. OK?”

“Out?” I asked surprised, he’s not supposed to take us out. We’re not supposed to be seen together, “What do you mean out?”

“I mean out. Dinner and… some stuff.”

“What do you mean some stuff?”

Justin threw his head back and laughed, “Mac, I’m not going to tell you exactly everything. I just want to take you out. Is that ok? Or what, you need an itinerary?”

“No, I just—“

“You going out with Matt, or something?” 

I smiled at the hint of jealously in his voice, “No, I’m not.”

“Great, so we’ll leave around seven.”

“OK,” I waited a second before continuing, “But where are we going?”

~*~*~*~*~

“Where are we going?” Chris asked from the backseat of Justin’s Audi.

“What is it with you two and the inability to be surprised?” Justin asked as he looked back at Chris in the rare view mirror. 

“Because it’s stupid, why can’t you tell us? What if I don’t want to go?”

“You want to go. And you’re going, so deal with it,” Justin said, sounding  more like a father than he ever did before.

“When I was a kid Grandpa used to take me on surprise trips like this. He called them ‘Magical Mystery Tours,’” I looked back at Chris.

“See?” Justin smiled, thinking I was on his side. What a dummy.

“I hated them,” I finished, giving Justin a smirk. 

“See?” Chris answered in the same tone Justin had, “So it’s like a dumb father thing that dads have to do to annoy their kids?”

“I guess so,” Justin’s smile is so big. So damn big. I now my smile is probably just as big, but dammit Justin, pull it together. 

We’ve made so much progress. 

“Can you at least give us a hint?” Chris continued, completely oblivious to how his words are affecting us. 

“Uh… no. I can’t.”

Chris let out an annoyed sigh, “Are we going to eat? I’m hungry.”

“Yeah, of course you’re going to eat.”

“And then is that it or is there more?”

“Of course there’s more.”

Chris paused to think, “Is it fun?”

Justin chuckled, “no, I don’t think you’re going to have fun at all.”

I laughed when Chris sighed, not catching his father’s sarcasm. Then Justin turned down the familiar street and I knew immediately where we were going. 

A few minutes later he pulled into the parking lot of The Hungry Fox Diner,  grabbed a baseball cap from the side of his car door and gave me a half smile. 

“This is it?” Chris asked, “Seriously, this is the big surprise?”

“This is dinner, the first part. You said you were hungry.” Justin said as he turned around to face Chris, “And to be fair, I never said it was a big surprise. All I said was I was taking you guys out. You’re the one with the high expectations.”

I grabbed onto Chris’s hand as we followed Justin into the diner, “This diner is very special. Stop being such a bratty teenager.”

We sat down at our usual booth and I slid in next to Chris. I watched Chris look around, trying to understand what the big deal was with this place. 

He turned to his menu, “Can I get an orange soda float?”

“No, you have to get a root beer float,” Justin answered, giving me a smile.

“I don’t like root beer,” Chris looked up from his menu.

“I don’t accept that.”

The waitress came over and stood in front of the table. “Two root beer floats and uh… orange cream,” Justin said with a nod towards Chris, as if apologizing to the waitress. 

I laughed as she walked away. 

Justin and I shared a few looks, as Chris read through the menu. Neither of us needs to look at the menu. We know it by heart. 

“OK,” Chris said as he put the menu down, “What’s the big deal with this place?”

Justin shook his head and looked over at me, “kids these days don’t appreciate anything.”

I rolled my eyes along with Chris before speaking. “When we first met, we used to come here sometimes.”

“Oh yeah, that’s it?” Justin gave me a look, “Really Mac, we used to come here sometimes?”

“We came here a lot,” I corrected myself.

“We came here a lot,” Justin repeated then turned to Chris, “we came here all the time. It was our place. We came here and no one bothered us and we’d stay for hours.”

Chris looked confused, “What would you do here for hours?”

“Talk,” I answered before Justin could because sure, we talked but we also made out a lot. We liked this booth in the back because it was hidden. “We talked a lot.”

“Yeah sure, we talked all the time,” Justin smiled, “sometimes we’d do other stuff.”

“Like what?” Chris asked.

“Homework,” I answered quickly, “Sometimes I did my homework.”

“What did you do while she was doing homework?”Chris asked. 

Justin looked at me, that cocky smile covering his face, “I… I don’t know, Mac. What did I do while you were doing your homework?”

“Probably just sat there and watched me, like a little sad puppy,” I smiled. 

“Yeah,” Justin chuckled before turning back to Chris, “that’s not what happened.”

“OK, you guys are weird,” Chris said as the waitress brought our drinks and took our orders. 

“She’s weird, not me, right?” Justin asked as he playfully kicked my leg under the table. 

“No, you’re both weird,” Chris answered, then waited a second before continuing, “How come we never go to your house?”

“We went to my house,” Justin said. 

“Yeah, but… you have the waterfall and the golf course so why don’t we go there sometimes?”

Justin laughed, “Yeah, sure. We’ll go to my house sometime.”

“And he has a movie theater, Mom.”

“I know.”

“So, why didn’t we go there when we watched the movie last night?”

“Good point, Christopher,” I laughed. It’s weird how he’s gone from wanting nothing to do with Justin to wanting to go to his house. I know it’s because of all the cool stuff Justin has, but still, it’s kind of impressive. When Chris first met Justin he didn’t want anything to do with him. Justin couldn’t even buy his love. That seems like so long ago. I know it really hasn’t been that long, it’s weird to think me falling down that hill really was a blessing in disguise. 

We spent dinner talking like a family. Justin’s really falling into the role well, he’s asking questions that a father asks. He’s even got the dad jokes down. It’s hard not to get wrapped up in all of this. 

It really seems like Chris is falling into it, too. He’s still trying to figure everything out and get to know his father, but he’s asking questions. They have this new relationship. Just looking at them you can see they have an understanding. They still aren’t completely comfortable with each other, they still are trying to get to know each other, but they have a connection. They’re becoming attached. I couldn’t ask for more. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

It was nine thirty when we arrived at the Griffith Observatory, the main event of our night. We were the only ones going up the glass rail but there was a line of people leaving. I’m surprised that we’re here, but I’m not surprised we have this late night, special access. Chris, on the other hand, is completely in shock.

“How come we’re the only ones going up and everyone else is leaving?” he asked. 

“They’re closed so everyone has to leave.”

“Then why are we going if they’re closed?”

I turned to Justin to respond to that one. He shrugged, “it won’t be as crowded.”

“No, because they’re closed. Are we even going to be able to see anything?”

“Yes, they’re staying open for us,” Justin chuckled, “I get some special privileges, stick with me, kid.”

As we reached the end of the rail a man met us and guided us into the building. We walked past the crowd of people, some of them noticing Justin and whispering. Chris and I stayed behind. I’m used to having to keep my distance from Justin when we’re in public. It’s one of those things that I do without even noticing. Justin turned back when he realized we weren’t with him and waited for us to catch up.

The man took us on a quick tour, then led us to the room with the big telescope and left us alone. 

“You can see all the planets,” Justin began as he turned the light off and left us in the dark, except for a dim light near the telescope so it wasn’t pitch black, “I know you like astronomy, Chris. Tonight is a good night to see them all,” he paused and looked in the telescope, “It’s on Jupiter now, you can really see the spot in the middle.”

“The Great Red Spot?” Chris asked before looking in the telescope, “It’s a storm, you know? You can actually see it moving. It’s so cool. Mom, come look.”

Chris moved aside so I could look, it was amazing, as big as a full moon. 

“You can actually see the International Space Station tonight, too. It’s passing over any minute. You’ll only be able to see it for a couple minutes. You can’t see it from here that often.  Don’t miss it,” Justin smiled as Chris rushed back to the telescope. 

“I see it! I see it!” Chris shouted, “Come look!”

“That’s awesome, huh?” I said after taking a look. 

“It’s so cool. Justin, come look!” Chris stepped back and let Justin look, “The astronauts are like, up there. Right now. How cool. It’s like it’s so far, but it’s real. And they’re looking down at us and we’re looking up at them.”

I watched Chris run back to the telescope the second Justin stepped back.

“This is amazing Justin, thank you.”

“Yeah?” he smiled, “You like it?”

“I love it, and Chris is… I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time.”

Justin smiled and playfully bumped into me. We stayed in the observatory all night. It was hard enough to get Chris to leave, but once all the planets came into view we were able to get him to leave.

“I can’t believe we saw all the planets. It was so cool. The rings of Saturn! And Mars, it looked like a star. And the moon, you could see the craters so good. You could even see the shadows!” Chris was talking a mile a minute as we rode the tram back to the car. 

“So you had fun?” I asked with a smile.

“Uh, yeah it was only the coolest night ever.”

Justin smiled, “Yeah? So you’ll trust me next time I say I’m going to take you somewhere fun?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Chris said as Justin unlocked the car. “It was a lot of fun. Thanks for taking me Dad.”

Chris crawled into the backseat before either of us could even process what just happened.  Justin stood by the door, completely frozen. I could hardly move myself. 

“Are you ok?” I asked. 

Justin nodded his head, unable to look up from the ground, “Did he just…?”

“He called you Dad,” I answered in a whisper as I felt a tear fall down my cheek. 

“He called me Dad,” he turned to me and smiled, “He called me Dad, Mac.  To my face. Not referring to me as his father or anything, he said ‘Thanks, Dad.’ To me.”

I wiped my eyes and nodded my head, “He did. Are you ok? Do you want me to drive?”

Justin chuckled as he wiped his eyes that were getting watery, “You? You’re crying. How am I going to let you drive?”

“So are you!”

“I am not!” he laughed, “Should we just sleep in the car?”

“Probably,” I answered as I looked back at Chris who already fell asleep.

We drove back to my house in silence. I can’t believe this is happening. Everything is finally coming together. All I’ve ever wanted was for Chris to have a good relationship with his father, and it’s happening. It’s finally happening. 

“Did you have a good night, Mackenzie?” Justin asked.

“I had an amazing night Justin, thank you. It was perfect.”

“Yeah, it was perfect,” he smiled and reached over and squeezed my leg. 

Justin pulled into the driveway and turned the car off, but didn’t move to unlock the door. He turned to me like he wanted to say something, but didn’t. Instead he raised his eyebrow and gave me a half smile. 

“What?” I asked. 

“Nothing,” he shook his head and looked back at Chris, “You awake, buddy? We’re home.”

Chris stretched his arms over his head and slowly opened his eyes, “Carry me in,” he whined. 

“Yeah right, what do you think I’m The Rock?” Justin asked. 

Chris laughed, “Fine, I’ll sleep in the car”

“Alright, have fun with that,” Justin said as he got out of the car. 

“Come on, Bubs, you gotta brush your teeth. Your bed is so much more comfortable.”

Chris didn’t move, so I got out of the car and followed Justin inside. 

“Just let him sleep in the car?”

“He’ll come in. When he was little I used to carry him in. Then he got too big, and he used to fake sleeping in hopes that I’d carry him in. I’d have to leave him, but he’d get scared so he’d come running in right after me.”

“Classic,” Justin chuckled, “I used to do that with my mom too.”

I smiled and went into the kitchen where I put some water in the kettle.  

“I had a good time tonight, Mac,” Justin said as he stopped in front of me. 

“Me too. Thanks. Seriously Justin, it was great.”

He nodded his head and looked right into my eyes. I’m not quite sure what’s going on with him tonight. He says he had a great time but his face looks like he’s in serious pain. “Are you ok?”

“I’m… yeah,” he took a step back and nodded his head, “Yeah, I’m perfect.”

“OK,” I couldn’t help but laughed, “Are you sure? You don’t look perfect. Do you want a drink or something?”

“No, I’m fine I’m just… trying to take everything in.”

I nodded my head, “I know he called you Dad and that’s exciting but.. you gotta keep your cool or he’s going to stop saying it.”

Justin chuckled as the door opened and Chris slowly made his way inside, “Goodnight Mom,” he hugged me before sleepily making his way to Justin and giving him a quick hug, “Night Dad, thanks.”

“Goodnight Chris,” Justin said with a smile, waiting patiently to hear Chris’s bedroom door close before he spoke up, “He just said it again. It wasn’t a fluke!”

“Shh, you’re so loud,” I laughed, “He’s tired, he’s half dreaming.  See what happens tomorrow before you get too excited.”

“You’re so supportive,” Justin answered sarcastically. 

“I am supportive. I just feel like… today was all a dream.”

“Yeah, I feel that way too,” Justin answered softly. He moved back in front of me and looked down at me, right into my eyes. I felt my knees go weak, and my heart beating in my throat. Is this happening? Is this really happening? I took a deep breath, praying I don’t look as flustered as I feel. Justin rested his hand on the counter behind me and moved closer. He then closed his eyes and froze for a second, two seconds. three seconds, I’m not sure what is happening. I’m not even sure if he’s breathing. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but instead let out a breath, opened his eyes and took a step back.  

He walked to the other side of the kitchen and ran his hands through his hair. He cleared his throat and looked over at me, “I just remembered that I have some work stuff to do tomorrow.”

He’s lying, he just told me this morning he wasn’t working for awhile.

I nodded my head. I don’t know what else to do but nod my head. 

“Do you think you guys will be ok if I head home? I’ll come back tomorrow night probably, or Sunday. I’ll let you know.”

“OK,” I answered in a whisper. 

“OK,” he nodded his head, “Thanks for letting me take you guys out tonight. I’m just going to go say goodbye to Chris.”

Why do I feel like this is more of a goodbye than he’s letting on? He already said goodbye to Chris. Chris is upstairs sleeping.

Everything just changed, in a matter of seconds, everything changed. 

When Justin made his way back downstairs he stayed in the living room and gave me a quick wave, “Alright, I’ll see you later. Bye Mac. Sweet dreams.”

“Bye” I said to the closed door. 

I don’t know what just happened. I went from having the best night I’ve had in a really long time to feeling completely lost and confused. It’s getting to be too much, I think that’s what it is. Spending time with Justin is really difficult because we have such a past. I can ignore the feelings as much as I want but I reach a point where I have to stop dreaming about what could have been or what should have been. I need to face the reality of it. He’s getting married to someone else. He moved on a long time ago, and I need to do that too. 

I turned off the lights and made my way upstairs. I peaked in Chris’s room and saw him sound asleep, still wearing his clothes from the day. He fell right on the bed and didn’t even bother to find his comforter that was laying on the floor. I reached down and pulled it over him, and kissed the back of his head.

Once I got into my bedroom I walked to the window to close the curtain. I looked down and saw Justin’s car still sitting in the driveway. The car was on, but he was sitting there with his  head in his hands resting on the steering wheel. I know that look, I’ve seen it so many times before. 

He’s not coming back.