January 2004

“Mommy!” he screamed with an anger I’ve never heard before. I ran into the living room to see my three year old son sitting in the middle of the floor with his arms crossed over his chest. 

“What’s going on, Bubba?”

“You broked my dinosaur!”he stared me down

“I broke your dinosaur?” I sat down on the floor next to him and glanced at the T-Rex body  beside him, and the T-Rex head thrown across the room. 

Chris pouted his lips and looked away from me, as if he couldn’t even stand the sight of the monster that purposely pulled his dinosaur’s head off it’s body. 

“Chris, I did not break your dinosaur. What happened to it? Maybe we can put his head back on.”

“Mommy!” he said between gritted teeth, “He’s broked.” 

“He’s broken, I know. But I bet we can pop his head back on. Why don’t you go get it for me?”

“Mommy!” he repeated, getting angrier and angrier each time. 

“OK, well I can try to fix it if you go get the head for me. But if you don’t want to do that I’m going to go back into the kitchen and finish making dinner.”

He looked at me. I looked at him. 

I don’t know why people pretend that the twos are so terrible and then kids automatically become angels. This kid, my son, has quite the attitude at three years old. 

He continued staring me down, thinking I’ll break and go get the head for him. I’m stronger than he thinks. I couldn’t give a shit about this dinosaur, let’s be honest. 

Instead, I stood up and went back into the kitchen and continued cutting up the carrots. 

A few minutes later I saw the top of Chris’s head on the other side of the counter. I ignored him and continued with the carrots until I felt him pulling at my shirt. “Yes?”

“Mommy, can you fix my dinosaur? Please?” he asked softly holding the body in one hand and the head in the other. 

“Of course sweetie,” I picked him up and placed him on the counter, “What do you think happened to him?”

Chris shrugged with his hand in the air, giving me that not so innocent look. He’s going to make my life so difficult in the future. I can already tell.

“Mmmhmm,” I laughed as I popped the head back on, “Try not to pull his head off again, ok sweetie?”

“OK,” he nodded once and smiled, “Thank you, Mommy.”

“You’re welcome, Christopher.”

The doorbell rang and Chris’s smile grew two times as big, “Mommy, the door!”

“I hear,” I placed him back on the floor, “Who do you think it is?”

“Grandpa?”

Chris ran to the door and opened the curtain to see who was there, “Not Grandpa.”

“No? Who is it then? Kelly?”

He shook his head and hid behind the doorway. 

“OK,” I answered softly, unsure of who else would be at my door on a Saturday afternoon. Chris ran back into the living room and hid on the couch. Hid as in, he laid on his stomach with his head buried in the cushion, and his butt sticking up in the air. I couldn’t help but laugh, he’s so adorable. “What are you scared of, Bubs?”

I opened the shade to look out the window and was surprised to see her standing there, nervously picking at her fingernails.  “Rachel? What’s— is everything ok?”

“Yeah, well… yeah. Sorry, I don’t want to freak you out. I would have called but I—“

“It’s ok, what’s going on?”

She looked behind me and I turned around to see Chris peaking out from behind the couch’s arm rest. 

“Come on in,” I moved into the living room and grabbed Chris in my arms. “Chris, this is Mommy’s friend Rachel. Can you say hi to Rachel?”

He hid his face against me.

“Hi Chris, you’re getting so big,” Rachel offered her sweet smile.

I put him down and he ran off  to play with his toys. 

“It’s really good to see you,” I said sincerely as I pulled her into a hug. Another bad part about all of this is that I had to loose contact with Rachel too. She really became one of my best friends while I was with Justin. We had some serious bonding time when I went to visit him on tour. 

“It’s good to see you, too. I can’t believe how big Chris is. He looks just like—“ she paused as Chris came over with his newly put together T-Rex. 

“Yeah, I know,” I answered with a smile, “Do you want some tea? Are you hungry?”

“No, no. I’m ok. I just—“

“Let me put a movie on for him so we can talk,” I grabbed Chris’s hand and led him back to the living room, “What do you say? Dumbo? or Peter Pan?”

“Dinosaur!”

“Of course Dinosaur,” I answered as I turned the television on and pressed play since that’s the only thing he ever wants to watch, “OK,” I kissed his forehead.

I nodded into the kitchen and Rachel followed. I put some water in the kettle and waited for her to say something, but she didn’t. She just turned and watched Chris as he moved his toy dinosaurs around as if they were characters in the movie. 

I offered a smile and placed the mug in front of her, “What’s going on?”

“I would have called but I don’t have your number.”

“How do you not have my number, Rach?”

“Seriously, that’s what I’m saying. I think she deleted it, do you think she would have deleted it from my phone?”

I rolled my eyes and felt my whole body tense up. “Are you really asking me if I think Justin’s mother would delete my number from your phone? Of course I do.” Just the mention of her makes my blood boil, “You do know what happened the last time I saw her.”

“Of course, Justin told me all about it. He was absolutely mortified, as I’m sure you know,” she paused then let out a quick chuckle, “I think she deleted it. She’s so nice, and I’m not just saying that because she’s my aunt, but I mean she’s so nice to everyone but you. She’s a completely different person to you. It’s so weird.”

“Well you know, I am a floozie who wants to destroy her son’s career so…”

“It’s so stupid, she doesn’t even know you.”

I reached to grab her phone from the counter and added my number, “Put a password on your phone, you dummy.”

“Thanks,” she smiled.

“Is Justin ok?” I figured I’d cut to the chase, that movie will only hold Chris’s attention for so long. It’s been over a year since that day his mother showed up at my front door and made him leave. We haven’t talked since. He emailed me twice, once right after he left and once on Chris’s birthday. I used to send him pictures every week, but he never responds so I stopped. I know it’s hard for him, maybe seeing the pictures make it worse. We had to cut each other off completely. 

She took a sip of her tea, “I honestly don’t know what to do. Coming here is probably the stupidest thing I could possibly do, but I feel like I’ve tried everything and—“

“What is it?”

“He’s not doing anything. He’s just laying in his living room looking into space. He doesn’t even have the TV on or anything. He’s just laying there. He won’t do anything, he hasn’t even showered. I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean? Why is he acting like that?” it’s not like him at all, he usually can’t sit still, I don’t understand.

“I mean, I can guess why,” she looked into the living room at Chris who was roaring and moving around the room like a dinosaur. 

“Why now though? It’s been over a year since—“

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, “He’s been having a hard time, obviously, but he was doing better. He goes through phases where he’s super depressed then he’s almost back to normal. But this is different, he’s never been this bad. I don’t know what to do.”

I ran my hands through my hair, “Isn’t he working?”

“He’s had some time off. It always happens when he has time off.”

“I’ll go see if I can do anything,” I said before thinking. When it comes to Justin I always do before I think. I can’t just go to his house. He probably doesn’t want to see me. Plus there’s the fact that I have this little dinosaur in the next room who definitely can’t come. And the fact that Justin’s mother is probably hiding in a closet ready to attack me with a sword if I get anywhere near her son. 

“I mean I …” I caught myself, but it doesn’t matter. I know I’m going to his house. Rachel knows I’m going. Even if i didn’t want to go I’d be going because when I hear anything is wrong with Justin I just hop into action. As if I can fix it. As if I can fix anything. 

Rachel offered to watch Chris while I went to Justin’s. I’m not quite sure if she knows what she’s getting herself into. I waited for Chris to get comfortable with her, which actually took about five minutes. I told him Rachel was going to watch him and he said “Go Mommy! Bye bye!” That’s it. He’s over me. 

As I drove to Justin’s it hit me. I’m not sure what I think I’m going to do. He’s probably not going to be happy to see me, and even if by some chance he is it’s just going to make everything worse. 

I parked in his driveway and took a few deep breaths before making my way inside. The house was dark, and I turned on the light as I made my way through each room. I saw Justin laying on the couch with his arm over his head. It’s hard to tell if he’s awake or even alive. 

I sat on the chair across from him for a minute, but when he didn’t move I made my way to the piano and started playing it softly. I saw him shift his weight, but he didn’t get up. I continued playing. 

When I finished the song and waited a minute before moving back to the chair, walking around the house on my way back and turning on every light I passed. 

“Justin. Justin, get up.”

He moved his arm closer to his head. 

“Justin,” I spoke sternly and stood in front of the couch. When he didn’t answer I pushed his arm away from his face, “Justin. Get. Up.” 

He finally opened his eyes but there was nothing there. He blankly looked back at me. “Justin,” I spoke again. Still nothing. “Justin, what’s going on?”

He continued looking at me with no feeling. I’m not even sure if he’s looking at me or past me. It’s kind of creepy actually. I grabbed onto his arms and tried to pull him up but it was like a dead weight. 

“Justin, I have a hard enough time picking up our three year old son, I sure as hell can not pick up his twenty-three year old father. Get up.” I regretted the words before they even came out of my mouth. I don’t know what part of me thought it would be a good idea to bring up Chris right now. 

It worked, though. Justin stood up, but didn’t move any further.

I ran my hand through his greasy hair and forced him to look at me, “What’s going on?” I asked sincerely. 

OK, now I’m officially worried. It’s like he can’t even hear me. It’s like he’s in another world. I want to grab him and shake him. I want to hold him and make it better. 

Instead I grabbed his hand and dragged him upstairs into the bathroom. I pushed him into the shower and he stood there, looking at the wall. 

“Are you going to take off your clothes?”

He made no movement.

“OK, fine,” I reached over and turned the water on him. I put down the toilet lid and took a seat, watching him completely phased out letting the water fall over his fully clothed body. 

I watched as something clicked in him, maybe the water, maybe he just woke up. He turned and looked at me as if seeing me for the first time. Then he turned his gaze away and pulled his shirt off. 

I went downstairs as he showered and made sure the house was bright as I made my way. I opened the curtains and turned on the lights. His house has always been happy and full of life, but it looks so depressing now. I sat down at the piano, it looks almost identical to the at my house, minus John Lennon’s signature, of course. 

A few minutes later Justin made his way back downstairs and sat down next to me on the piano bench. He didn’t say anything so I stopped playing.  “Are you feeling better?” 

“What are you doing here?” his voice cut right through me.

I swallowed hard, surprised he’d be so openly upset. “Rachel’s really worried about you.”

Justin rolled his eyes and looked away. 

“I’m really worried about you,” I continued.

“Why are you worried about me? We haven’t even talked in over a year.”

“So? That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”

“Really?” he gave me a side eye before looking away again, “We haven’t talked. In a year. Mackenzie.”

“Are you honestly blaming me for that? Your mother—“

“Stop,” he stood up before I could finish and made his way to the couch, “just stop. I’m not in the mood. I’m fine. You can tell Rachel I’m fucking fine. Everything. Is fine.”

“Everything is obviously not fine,” I spoke quietly .

“Yeah, you being in my fucking house is not fine. Me seeing you here, at my piano, is not ok.”

“OK, I’ll get off your fucking piano. Sorry.” As I slowly made my way to the couch Justin threw his head into his hands and rubbed at his temples. Apparently not only am I not helping, my mere presence is migraine inducing. 

“I’d rather you get off my fucking property.”

“Well too bad. I ordered pizza and I’m not leaving until it comes.”

He glanced up at me, then threw his head back in his hands before speaking quietly, “Why are you here, Mac?”

“Because Rachel came to my house and told me she was worried about you. And when it comes to you I don’t think. So here I am, trying to help. Even though I’m clearly making it worse.”

Justin took a deep breath and turned to me, “Seeing you isn’t going to make it better.”

“OK. Can you just talk to somebody please? It doesn’t have to be me,” I stood up, “I’ll leave, if that’s what you—“

“I don’t want you to leave,” he grabbed onto my arm and pulled me down next to him, “I’m just saying it’s not going to help.”

“What will help?” 

“I don’t know. Nothing,” he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and slowly rested his head on my shoulder. We sat like that, in silence, for a few minutes before he spoke again, “Marry me.”

I rested my head on his and closed my eyes,  surprised at his sudden mood shift. “Do you want to see pictures?” I asked in a whisper. I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I had some sort of idea how to handle the father of your son’s depression because he’s not able to see his son. I think he might be the only man in history that isn’t allowed to see his son. Sure, plenty can’t see their son because they’re in jail or on the run, or there is drama with the mother. But this, our situation, has to be unique. 

“Yeah, but not yet. I need to work up to that. Tell me about him.”

“He’s really into dinosaurs,” I moved my head off his so I could look at him as I spoke, “That’s his new obsession. He wants to play with them all the time, he thinks he’s a raptor. It’s like, everything is dinosaur.”

“I used to love dinosaurs,” Justin spoke before wrapping his arm around me and pulling me down on the couch so I was laying with him. 

“Earlier today he called me over and was so mad at me because he broke his dinosaur and he tried to blame it on me. He has a little temper on him, quite the attitude. Like I would rip the head off his dinosaur just to mess with him.”

He absentmindedly ran his hand through my hair, “He’s talking a lot?”

“Yeah, I mean he speaks words. Not full sentences much. He’s starting to talk full sentences.”

“The nanny is still good?”

“She’s great,” I cuddled up to him.

“Is she there every day?”

“Yeah, just while I’m at class. Well, she stays longer so I can study but she’s not there all day.”

“Good. Tell me more.”

“OK I have a great story,” I moved back when I realized how close we were, but Justin pulled me back, “So, on Wednesday we go to the library for story time. He needs to be around other kids. So anyway, he has a little friend there named Jenna. I talk to her mom and she invited us over for a playdate. They were playing with Jenna’s dolls and we were in the kitchen. All of a sudden they both grab a doll and come into the kitchen all serious. Then they put the dolls in the oven, shut the door, and started laughing hysterically. They could not stop laughing. I’ve never seen him laugh so much,” I chuckled as I remembered before getting serious, “So, to make a long story short, I’m pretty sure our son is going to be a serial killer.”

Justin laughed, he full out laughed. A real laugh. I felt a sense of success as Justin smiled,  “I don’t want him hanging out with that girl anymore.”

“I agree.”

“There’s gotta be other kids in the neighborhood.”

“Yeah, there’s actually a little boy his age a few doors down. But I don’t know how to get them to be friends. How do you do that?”

“Just take him for a walk when they’re outside or something,” Justin shrugged.

“Yeah, good idea,” I paused, “It’s actually Shane Cook’s house. Do you know him?”

“THE Shane Cook?” Justin faked excitement. 

“He’s was in that movie with Freddie Prinze Jr.”

“Yeah, I know him,” he chuckled, “I mean not personally, but I know who he is.”

We both froze when the doorbell rang. The last time we were together and the doorbell rang it was his mother on the other side of the door, ruining everything. I remembered that I ordered pizza and moved to get up, but Justin held me tightly so I couldn’t move. 

“Why is someone ringing the doorbell?” he asked in a whisper. 

“The pizza.”

“You really ordered pizza?”

“Yes, let me up!” 

Justin let out a sigh but loosened his grip so I could move away to get the pizza.

“Are you feeding my kid pizza all the time?” Justin asked as I came back to the couch and placed the pizza on the coffee table.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed a slice, “No, I feed him vegetables and order pizza after I put him to bed.”

“I wouldn’t put it past you,” Justin laughed as he grabbed a slice. 

“It’s really weird, having to like plan meals. I know I’m spoiled and the nanny does a lot of cooking, but it’s still weird. It’s weird to think how my mom was just as clueless when she had me and I always thought she had her shit together.”

Justin smiled, “How are your parents?”

“They’re good. They come over a lot.”

“Do they still hate me?”

“They never hated you.”

“Your mother definitely hated me for awhile. Your dad did too.”

I shook my head, “My dad hated you for like two minutes when he first met you and you were half naked on my bed.”

Justin laughed as he shook his head, “That’s gotta be the worst first impression ever.”

“Probably, it was amazing though,” I laughed, remembering how awkward that whole day was. “My mom never hated you. Even when she first found out I was pregnant and she wouldn’t talk to me, she still talked to you.”

“She didn’t really talk to me as much as she lectured me.”

I shrugged, “she acted like a mom,”

“I miss them,” he spoke quietly.

“They miss you,” I assured him.

And then there was silence and I ruined everything. 

“I’d ask if your mother still hates me but I already know the answer.”

I don’t know why I always bring it up. I know it’s stupid and I need to get over it, but I can’t. No matter how much it bothers me it bothers Justin even more. She’s his mother. She’s done everything for him, she’s made all these sacrifices for him and he loves her. He should love her. But then there’s this part of him that hates her because of what she’s done with us. I should be able to forget about it and move on. Even though thinking about her still keeps me up crying some nights, I need to stop for Justin, if for nothing else. 

He didn’t say anything, he just looked at me, he studied my face. It felt like forever. I didn’t know if I should apologize for bringing it up, wait for him to say something, or just run out of the house and pretend it never happened. 

Justin licked his lips before finally speaking, “Did you say you brought pictures?”