May 10, 2014

The sound of a ball hitting the side of the house was constant, like the beating of a drum. For some reason, my sweet son has decided to kick a plastic ball against the front of the house. We do have a yard, and a garage, and plenty of other places he could be kicking a ball. I wouldn’t complain about him kicking the ball against any of those places, but maybe not the one room that I’m in, trying to pay the bills like a responsible adult. 

I took a deep breath and closed my laptop after paying the last. Then made my way to the driveway and stood with my arms crossed over my chest, wondering how long it would be before he even noticed me there. 

“Oh, hi Mom,” he said a few minutes later. 

“Why are you kicking against the house? Kick against the garage.”

“OK,” he shrugged and turned so he was facing the garage, then began kicking again. 

I watched my son and took a deep breath, he hasn’t been himself lately. It may have something to do with the fact that his father just disappeared a week ago yesterday. Which also happened to be the one time Chris even called him Dad. And then suddenly, for some reason beyond any of our knowledge, Justin had to go. 

“Do you want to go get some pizza?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Want to go swimming?”

“Not really.”

I nodded my head, trying to think of something to keep this kid occupied, “How about some ice cream? I bought the kind that has cinnamon and waffle pieces in it that you like.”

“OK, fine.”

I smiled at the small victory and tried to catch the ball as he kicked it one last time. Instead, it bounced out of my hands. I never claimed to be athletic. 

Chris chuckled as he caught the ball and headed into the kitchen. I’ll take it. He sat at the counter as I grabbed the ice cream, two spoons, and sat down next to him. 

“Where’s Landon today?”

“His cousin’s birthday party.”

I grabbed a spoonful of ice cream from the carton, “are you sure his parents said it’s ok for you to sleepover after the Dodgers game tonight?”

“Yeah.”

I’m really bad at this. I’ve always been bad with talking about things and I’m especially bad with talking about Justin with Chris. It was one thing when Chris didn’t know his father but I had to go and introduce them and then Chris got attached and then Justin decided he can’t handle it and disappeared. 

I don’t know how to talk to Chris about it. I don’t know how to pretend it’s ok and I know what’s going on when I’m even more clueless than he is. 

“Do you think Justin is going to come back soon?” Chris spoke up with his gaze fixed on the ice cream. It makes me so happy that he opens up to me, even though I’m such a shit mother who can’t open up to him.

“I’m not sure,” I answered honestly, “I’m sure he’s really busy, but I know he wants to see you.”

“But he just lives down the street so…”

“His job can be really hectic. Sometimes he gets called up and has to go travel somewhere and is gone for a week or so. Sometimes he has to work in the studio for a week and hardly gets out.”

“It’s been more than a week though.”

I nodded my head and answered softly, “Sometimes more than a week.”

“But he said he didn’t have to work for awhile.”

“I know, but sometimes it just comes up.”

I’m worried Chris thinks it’s his fault, when the reality of it is it’s probably my fault. Justin’s engaged and we’re spending too much time together. We have a history, obviously and it’s getting weird. 

“Have you talked to him at all?” I asked. 

Chris shrugged, “texted a little.”

“And what did he say?”

“He said he’s working and he’s busy and he’ll let me know when he gets back into town.”

I nodded my head, “I’m sure he’ll let you know as soon as he gets back.”

“It’s kind of weird, isn’t it?”

“Why do you think it’s weird?”

“Because we couldn’t get rid of him for like a month and then out of nowhere he just leaves and doesn't come back. He doesn’t even call or anything. That’s weird, isn’t it? Do you think he took us out to the Getty and stuff because he knew he wasn’t going to come back?”

“He’s coming back,” I assured him, “He probably won’t be staying here anymore but that was never permanent. He was just here to help out when I was hurt. He’ll be coming back soon. I’ll call him and see what’s going on.”

“No, don’t call him. I don’t really care. I just think it’s weird.”

I will call Justin. I’ve been so busy worrying about how his disappearance has affected me and not even worrying about how it affected Chris. Obviously it’s bothering him. He finally called him Dad, he was getting so close, and then just like that he’s gone and it’s back to being just Chris and I.

Maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe Justin really is just working. Then again, he hasn’t called me or texted me. So I guess it’s more likely I’m the reason for his sudden disappearance. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Chris went to the Dodgers came with Landon and his family. I sat in front of the television, pretending to be interested. It’s weird how I was looking forward to this peace and quiet. I couldn’t wait for a night alone and now I wish I had someone here with me. Someone to distract me from my thoughts. 

I need to stop with Justin. I need to move on, it’s not healthy for me to spend time with him. I need to let him and Chris have a relationship without me. There’s no reason for me to be involved in it. He’s getting married. 

The doorbell rang for awhile before I even noticed it. I shook my head, an attempt to clear my thoughts, as I made my way to the door. 

Justin stood in front of me with a box of pizza in his hands and a big smile on his face, “Hey! I brought pizza.”

I looked at him, then at the pizza, then back to him. “Hey. Chris isn’t here.”

“Cool, cause I brought beer too,” he gave me a cheesy grin as he held up a six pack. I watched the smile slide off his face when I didn’t respond, “Bad timing? Are you busy? I should have called.”

“No, I’m just—“ I paused, this is exactly what should not be happening. This is when I should tell him to come back when Chris is here. I looked up at him and he raised his eyebrows, waiting for me to finish my thought, “Yeah, of course. Come in. We could use a talk.”

“A talk? Uh oh,” he let out a quick laugh before following me inside, “Where’s Chris?”

“Dodgers game with Landon and his dad.”

Justin nodded his head and opened the pizza box as he placed it on the coffee table, “I thought he’d be here. I would have brought something else if I knew it was just us.”

“Pizza’s good,” I shrugged as I grabbed a piece. 

He nodded again and opened a bottle of beer before handing it to me, “You good? Sorry I wasn’t around this week, it was crazy. I’ll tell you about it later, but how are you feeling? How’s the leg?”

“It’s fine, everything’s fine,” I snapped. I don’t know why I’m snapping, I mean I guess I know why, but I’m supposed to be able to pull myself together. 

“OK,” he made a face, recognizing my tone, “I’m glad it’s not bothering you anymore,” he finished sincerely. 

I felt instant regret for snapping at him. He just asked how I was. He’s helped out a lot since I’ve been hurt. I need to get a little more mature about this. 

“Can we get serious for a minute?” I don’t know where that came from. I don’t want to talk, I know we need to but I don’t want to. 

“Yeah, of course,” he smiled, “I want to talk too.”

“OK, me first though.”

“OK,” he chuckled before taking a long swig of his beer. I did the same, trying to buy some time to sort out my thoughts. This is all happening so quickly. I want him to go away for another two days and then come back. We can talk then. I’ll have a speech prepared by then. 

I took another long swig of beer and looked over at Justin. He smiled, “Whenever you’re ready.”

I took a deep breath before beginning, “First of all, I’m so happy that everything is working out with you and Chris. I know how weird it was at first but you’re doing a great job. He was such a brat at the beginning, but you didn’t give up. It would have been really easy for you to walk away.”

“I wouldn’t have walked away,” he answered, “I’ve been waiting for this his whole life.”

“He’s really opening up to you. It makes me so happy that you two have this connection.”

Justin nodded his head, “Yeah, me too. I don’t think he hates me anymore. That’s a huge step.”

“Yeah, he definitely doesn’t hate you.” I took another long swig of my beer, “But you can’t just leave like that. I get that you’re busy and work just comes up, but Chris was really worried. He didn’t know where you were.”

“I know, I had a crazy week.”

“I get that. We all have crazy weeks. But he didn’t know where you were. He was worried. He called you Dad and then you disappeared. You can’t do that.”

“I didn’t disappear, Mac. I had to take care of some stuff. And I talked to Chris every day,” he answered defensively 

“You talked to him? He said he didn’t talk to you.”

“We texted,” he answered softly, “I get it. I should have called. I’m new to this, ya’know? It’s been a crazy week. Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. Can I tell you about my week?”

“No,” I shook my head and took another swig, waiting for the liquid courage to set in. 

“Are you alright?” he watched me carefully. 

I nodded my head and looked to the ground, “It was really important that I was around at the beginning, of course, because I wanted Chris to feel comfortable. I mean, I wanted both of you to feel comfortable. Now you’ve bonded and you’re comfortable around each other. You don’t really need me to be that buffer anymore.”

When I finally gained the courage to look up at him he gave me a half smile, “What are you saying? You need a babysitter or something?”

I stifled back a laugh, “No, I don’t need a babysitter. I’m saying you and Chris can hang out on your own. I think it’s best that I’m not there anymore. You can pick him up and take him somewhere, or you can stay here and I’ll go out. We can figure out a schedule. It’s better if I’m not around.”

He surprised me when he answered without missing a beat, “No.”

“No? What do you mean no?”

“I mean, no. That’s ridiculous.”

“What? You can’t just—“

“Look, Mac,” he broke in, “of course I want to spend time with Chris. Of course I want to get to know him better. But I want to spend time with you too. It’s amazing that I’m able to get to know him, but you’re part of this too. I’m not going to pick him up and take him out and wave at you from the car. We’re not this divorced couple that hates each other. What the fuck?”

I was surprised at his anger. I thought we’d be on the same page about this. “Well, I made the decision so you can’t really—“

“You can’t just make that decision. You can’t just out of nowhere decide you don’t want to see me anymore. We have a son.”

“I can. Actually, legally, I’m not supposed to see you at all so…”

“Really Mac? Legally? You’re going to go there?” he stood up and started to pace around the room. 

I went too far. I always go too far. Why did I even say that? “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—“ I answered softly but he continued pacing, taking a deep breath before sitting back on the couch. 

He put his head in his hands and massaged his temples for a second before looking up at me, “I just came over pizza. You can’t just spring this on me like oh, by the way, I don’t want to ever see you again.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You did say that. Where the hell is this coming from?”

“We’ve been spending a lot of time together.”

“Yeah,” he spoke unable to see the correlation, “It’s been great.”

I bit at my lip. How does he not get it? Why is he going to make me say it? “You’re engaged,” I spoke in a whisper. 

He didn’t say anything for a few seconds. I slowly looked over at him, and he was focused on the empty bottle of beer in his hand. This can’t be the first time he’s thinking about it. He can’t be that oblivious. “I want to tell you about my crazy week.”

“I don’t— are you kidding? You can’t just change the subject.”

“I’m not, I just need to tell you about my week.”

“Great, can you maybe do that after we finish this?

“Alright,” he chuckled and leaned back on the couch, noticeably more relaxed, “So to summarize,  you don’t want to see me again because we’re not a family. You want me to take Chris and the two of us can go bond while you do whatever it is you want to do, as long as it’s not with me.”

“Justin, come on.”

“That’s what you’re saying. And I’m saying no. I’m not ok with that. So let me tell you about my week. Honestly Mac, did you think I’d just be like yeah, cool idea, and be done with it? Have another beer and calm down.”

I grabbed the beer from his hand and wanted to smash the bottle against his smug, condescending face. Instead, I took a long swig and leaned back on the couch myself. “Please, tell me all about your week, you idiot.”

“Thank you,” he smiled, but didn’t speak.  He opened another beer for himself and took a sip. I watched as he nervously picked at the label on the bottle and then looked up at me, let out a deep breath, smiled, and looked back at his hands. He slowly looked up at me before speaking seriously, “I’m sorry I just left like that. It was a lot for me to take in. I mean, spending so much time with you and Chris has been amazing, but it’s also pretty intense. He called me dad and that just really fucked with me on a deep level. I didn’t think it would,” He paused again and took another sip as he stared into space, “It’s just been making me question everything and think about what could have been, or what should have been. And how everything would have worked out if you just married me when you got pregnant in the first place. Like I asked you to. So many times,” he swallowed hard, “So I just left, because it was a lot for me to take in. It was a great night at the Getty and, honestly,” he closed his eyes and licked his lips, “It was really hard for me to keep my hands off you.”

I felt my heart beating in my throat as he continued. 

“I got on a plane that night, I didn’t even go home to pack. I went right to the airport and got the first flight to Vancouver where Kate is filming. I told her everything. About Chris. About you. Everything.”

I thought he’d continue but I spoke up when he didn’t, “How did that go?”

“Well the Chris thing went OK. Not great, but better than I expected, to be honest. She wasn’t so happy about you but—“ he paused to chuckle and waited a few seconds before continuing, “I told her everything, Mac. I was completely honest about everything, about how I’m feeling about you and how I’ve always fucking felt about you. I told her I didn’t want to do it anymore and I called it off. I called it all off.”

I think my heart might jump right out of my body. Is this really happening? I can’t believe this is really happening. 

“So basically, Mac, what I’m saying is I’m not going to come by, pick up Chris, and ignore you. I’m not going to stop spending time with you because I want to spend all my time with you. I want to be that family we were always supposed to be,” he grabbed on to my hands and let out a quick laugh, “Honestly, I was expecting some kind of a reaction here, not just a blank stare, but I guess we can work with that.”

“Sorry, I just don’t—“

“It’s ok, you don’t have to say anything. These past few months have been intense. And you were all ready to write me off completely. I understand if you want some time to think about it. I’m not going to stop seeing you though. I mean, I’ll give you some time if that’s what you need but I’m not giving up.”

I bit at my lip, trying desperately to take this all in.

He licked his lips, “I’m going to kiss you now.”

I still can’t form words. My mind is working but there’s no connection. Get your shit together, Mac. This is Justin. This is the man you’ve been in love with your whole adult life. Say something. Make a movement. Grab him and kiss him. 

Justin leaned in to me, and stopped mere inches from my face, “Honestly Mac, I feel like I need something from you here. I don’t want to just kiss you when I don’t even know if you’re… are you ok?”

I nodded my head. 

He looked worried, “Do you want me to leave?”

“No,” I can form words when I need to. 

He chuckled, “so I’m going to kiss you.”

He waited for a response. I gave him nothing. 

“Mac, I—“

I grabbed his head in my hands and pulled him closer, “Yes, you idiot. Kiss me.”

Justin smiled and slowly pressed his lips against mine. 

And that was it. I lost all control.