March 2006

There was one of those amazing thunderstorms where the whole sky lit up like a light show. I always loved thunderstorms, and luckily I have a five year old who loves them just as much. We sat in the living room, looking out at our view over Los Angeles. The city illuminating as the lightning danced through the sky. 

“WHOA!” Chris shouted with a giggle as a bolt flashed horizontally across the sky. 

“That was a big one!” I laughed, holding him tightly on my lap. 

He turned to me with a smile bigger than the sky, “Mommy, it was SO big!”

“I know, so cool!” 

I couldn’t help but watch my son’s reaction to the lightning, instead of the lightning itself. He gets so excited, I’m the luckiest girl in the world. 

After taking in the moment a little too long, I looked over at the clock to see it was already ten o’clock. How did we sit out here for two hours watching the lightning? “Alright sweetie, it’s time for bed.”

“Noooo!” he whined, “Just a little longer! Please?”

“It’s already way past your bedtime. It’s way past my bedtime.”

He giggled, “Mommy doesn’t have a bedtime!”

“Of course I do, I have to work in the morning,” I smiled, cuddling up to him and enjoying the moment too much to even move. 

A knock on the door surprised and confused me. 

“Knock, knock?” Chris asked, just as confused, “Who’s knock knock?”

“I don’t know,” I giggled at my adorable son, “You wait here and I’ll go check. Then it’s bedtime!”

“Nooooo!” he giggled as I tickled his belly.

“Yesss!” I giggled back and jogged to the front door. 

The smile slid off my face as I opened the door to see Justin, soaking wet and looking down at me. “What are you-“ I looked back inside to see Chris still sitting by the window and quickly stepped out, closing the door behind me, “What are you doing here?”

He looked down at me, water dripping down his face. I wasn’t quite sure if it was all just the rain, it seemed like some of it was tears too. It’s been two years since I’ve seen him, almost as long since I’ve even talked to him.

I waited another second for him to say something before I continued, “Justin, I- Are you ok? Chris is awake you can’t— you can’t just show up.”

He still didn’t say anything, but instead sniffled and wiped his eyes. That’s when I was sure it was tears. 

“Justin,” I spoke sternly, placing my hands on his wet shoulders to shake him, “What’s going on?”

“I’m drowning,” he finally spoke up quietly, “It’s like they’re holding my head underwater and waiting to see how long I can last.  I’m running out of breath.”

I watched him carefully, worried about him much more than I ever was before, “Well, move out of the rain,” I pulled him under the awning. 

Justin moved like a zombie, like he had no reason to move out of the rain. No reason to do anything. 

“OK, I need to put Chris to bed. Wait a few minutes, let me get him upstairs, then come in, ok? I’ll be back down soon.”

I kept the door open a crack and went back into the living room where I was surprised to see Chris sound asleep on the chair. I picked him up and carried him upstairs, trying not to wake him as I changed him into his pajamas.

“No Mommy, I wanna watch the sky,” he spoke as I placed him in his bed. 

“Silly, it’s sleepy time. I’ll open the curtains so you can watch in case you can’t sleep,” I said even though he’ll be asleep before I even leave the room. “Good night Christopher. I love you.”

“Night night Mommy, I love you” he spoke as he drifted off to sleep. 

I grabbed a towel and a pair of sweats and t-shirt as I made my way back downstairs, where Justin was standing by the fireplace, looking at the pictures of Chris on the mantle.  

I handed him the towel, “Why don’t you change? I’ll make some tea and put your clothes in the dryer.”

He had that blank look on his face, that same look he had the last time I saw him.  He pulled his shirt and jeans off, standing in front of me in nothing but his boxers. I mean, I meant he could go to the bathroom and change but this works too. He grabbed the towel and dried himself off before pulling on the sweatpants and t-shirt I left for him on the couch.  I grabbed his wet clothes and put them in the dryer before coming back out to see him looking at the pictures over the fireplace again. 

I made us each a cup of tea and placed them on the coffee table before sitting on the couch, waiting for him to say or do something. 

“He’s getting big,” he spoke quietly before sitting on the couch across from me.

“Yeah, I know. It’s crazy.”

He nodded his head. 

“Are you ok?”

“No,” he shook his head, “I’m not.”

I’ve seen him at some of his lowest points, but this is different. I know I said that last time I saw him, but that was me going to him. This time it’s like even he knows he can’t handle this on his own. And that scares me to death. 

It’s really hard for me to see him suffering. I hate that I only see him when he’s suffering. I don’t know what to do, or what to say, but I need to make it better. I can’t keep seeing him like this. 

  “What’s going on? Tell me.”

“I feel like, I’m being smothered. They’re holding this pillow over my face and I can’t breathe anymore. I’m flailing and they just keep pushing it harder and there’s nothing I can do to get out from under it.”

“Who?”

“I’m being pulled in so many directions and no one even cares about what I want. They don’t even listen to me. I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and they’re walking right by me like I’m not even making a sound. Like I’m invisible.”

“So make them listen,” I answered simply.

He shook his head, running his hand over his chin, “They don’t listen.”

“Make them listen. Justin, it’s your life. You’re in charge of it.”

“It’s not like that, I don’t have a say because I’m not a person I’m a brand.”

I looked him over and my heart sank. I really hate all this. I wish I knew what to say.  “You look an awful lot like a person to me,” I offered a smile. 

“Yeah, only to you,” he answered in a whisper, looking down at his feet. 

Justin’s eyes finally met mine as we heard footsteps upstairs. 

“Mommy! Where are you?” 

My heart beat in my throat as I jumped off the couch, “I’ll be back, don’t go.” 

I ran upstairs to see Chris walking back and forth in the hallway with his arms comically thrown in the air, “Mommy!” he smiled when he saw me. 

“What are you doing awake?” I grabbed him and carried him back to bed .

“YOU was gonna open my window so I can watch the sky. But look,” he pointed to the window, “it’s closed.”

“I am so sorry,” I laughed as I opened the blind, “but you are supposed to be asleep.”

“I told you, I’m not tired!”

“I’m tired,” I said as I crawled into his bed, “Come on, I’ll lay down with you.”

Chris let out a sigh and fell onto the bed, “Mommy, wanna… tell me a story?”

“I sure do,” I smiled and wrapped my arms around my little guy, “Once upon a time there was a little boy named…”

“Puppy!” Chris answered with a giggle.

“OK, Puppy,” I laughed, “So this little boy—“

“Puppy!”

“Yes, Puppy. Puppy was scared of thunder and lightning. The big bangs made him jump and hide under his bed. The lightning made him cover his eyes and wear sunglasses at night.”

“But Puppy shouldn’t be scared cause lightning is awesome!”

“OK,” I answered, “But Puppy’s friend came over one night and they had a sleepover. And his friend said not to be scared of lightning because… why?”

“Because it’s awesome!” he giggled

“Yes, but Puppy was still scared.”

“So Ice Cream, that’s Puppy’s friend’s name, Ice Cream.”

“Ice Cream? That’s not really a name, but—“

“Ice Cream! That’s his name. Ice cream said don’t be such a scary cat!”

“Yeah, but Ice Cream is a little nicer than that because  he wants to help his friend Puppy.”

“OK, OK Ice Cream says, don’t be scared my sweet little friend. Thunder is just a big boom but it don’t hurt you. And lightning is like colors dancing in the sky.”

I turned when I heard a rustling at the door and saw Justin peaking in. I smiled and turned back to Chris, “That’s such a pretty way to say that.”

“It’s like… flashlights in the sky. It’s like drums going bang bang bang. It’s like the lights at Disneyland. ‘Memba those, Mommy?”

“I sure do. They were so pretty, weren’t they?”

“Yeah. I like them,” he answered softly, finally falling to sleep, “I like them with the music. And when Tinker-Bell came down from the castle.”

“Mmmhmm.”

“That was my favorite.”

“Mine too,” I answered softly, feeling his breath slow as he fell asleep beside me. I turned to the doorway, where Justin was still standing, “You can come in, he’s asleep,” I whispered. 

Justin quietly walked to the side of the bed where Chris was laying. He sat down on the floor so he was at eye level, and watched Chris carefully, unable to move. 

I watched Justin, unable to keep his eyes off his son, and realized how similar the two of them are.  He reached out and gently touched Chris’ face, moving a blonde curl away. Justin bit at his bottom lip as his eyes began to tear up. 

I couldn’t help but wonder what life would have been like had Justin and I stayed together, if I married him back when I had the chance. Would we be here like this, laying together in Chris’ bed when he can’t sleep?

Justin leaned down,  kissed Chris’s forehead, and gently rubbed his back before standing up and walking out of the room. I kissed Chris’s cheek and went out to the hallway where Justin was leaning against the wall with his eyes closed, breathing deeply.

I stood in front of him for a second without him even noticing I was there. He’s in his own world and seeing Chris definitely didn’t help the situation. I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. “Are you ok?”

I felt him nod against me, “You’re such a good mother.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “Thanks.”

“I’m serious. You’re so good. I mean, you were so nervous.”

“Yeah, he kinda grew on me,” I smiled as we pulled away. 

Justin cracked a smile for the first time all night and wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess, ya’know? It just keeps getting harder.” 

“I know,” I answered honestly. I hate seeing him like this, I’ve always been able to make him feel better so I did the only thing I knew would cheer him up.

I kissed him. 

Justin wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him, deepening the kiss. I stopped thinking and allowed myself to let loose, falling into him. We continued kissing as we made our way into my bedroom. Justin moved his lips to my neck and gently tugged at my shirt before taking a step back and searching my face. 

He’s thinking, I’ve stopped thinking a long time ago but he’s still thinking. I gave him a sexy smile and took a step forward. I gently pressed my lips against his and placed my hands on his chest, pushing him gently so he was sitting on my bed. I slowly pulled my shirt over my head and Justin licked his lips and slowly looked me over. 

He pulled his own shirt off and I got distracted by his six pack. I don’t remember him having a six pack, definitely not one that looks like that. 

Justin gave me that sexy half smile of his before he spoke quietly, “Come here.”

I smiled and stepped out of my so-not-sexy sweatpants, “No. You. Come here.”

He stood right up,  pushed his sweatpants down, and took a step towards me, but I put my hand out to stop him from getting too close. He looked me over, “You said—“

“I changed my mind,” I answered and watched him slink back, regretting my choice of words immediately, “no wait, I didn’t mean… just sit.” 

He sat.

“I just…” I continued, slowly placing my thumb through my left bra strap and sliding it down. 

Justin smiled, then bit at his lip, “you just what, Mackenzie?”

“I just…” I slowly slid my right bra strap down. 

“Keep going.”

I smiled, and turned around reaching my hand back to unhook my bra. 

“You need some help with that?” 

“I got it,” I smiled to myself as I unhooked it and threw it back at him. 

He chuckled, “Turn around.”

I slowly turned around, my arm covering my chest. 

Justin shook his head, “You’re killing me here, Mac.”

“I’m not doing anything,” I laughed. 

“Yeah, you’re not doing anything, all right,” he answered sarcastically, “Will you come here?”

“Not yet.”

“Can I come there?”

I giggled and turned back around, locking the door just in case, “Not yet.”

“That ass, though. God, I missed that ass.”

“My ass? That’s what you missed?” I turned around. 

“Yup. That’s it. The only thing,” he joked as I stepped towards him. 

“I don’t believe that,” I said as I stopped a foot away from him. 

“Good, you shouldn’t,” he licked his lips and reached for my arm, “Stop fucking with me, Mackenzie.”

“I’m not fucking with you,” I smiled and released my arm from my chest so he could grab my hands and pull me closer. 

He wrapped his arms around my wast and grabbed my ass as I leaned down and kissed him, before straddling his waist. He moved his hand to my breasts, then his lips, and I threw my head back. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt his lips on me, hell it’s been a long time since I’ve felt any lips on me. That is besides Chris… our son.

I shot up, remembering what happened the last time we were in a situation similar to this and got caught up in the moment. Justin looked concerned as I rummaged through my dresser. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m just—-“ I paused when I found what I was looking for, and triumphantly held it in the air, “It’s been a while and I…” 

He grabbed the condom from my hands and ripped it open, “Smart.”

“I’m very smart,” I said as I stood in front of him. 

“You sure are,” he chuckled, placing his thumbs under the elastic of my panties.  I felt my knees go weak and grabbed onto his shoulders for support. He paused and looked up at me. 

“Stop fucking with me, Clark Kent.”

He chuckled and pulled me down on top of him, kissing me passionately. He rolled on top of me and looked down, “You’re so beautiful.”

“Stop,” I laughed, “Just—“

“I’m giving you a compliment!”

“Well don’t give me a compliment right now, just…”

He held himself over me, looking down into my eyes and making my whole body ache, “Just what, Mackenzie?”

“Stop fucking with me.”

A big smile slid to his face, “You want me to stop fucking with you?”

“Yes. Stop fucking with me and just fuck me.”

“Ok,” he answered with a chuckle as he pulled me leg up, “I can do that.”

He kissed my lips hard and pulled my panties off before pulling his boxers down. I moaned as I felt his fingers between my legs before he slowly slid inside of me. I felt him smile against my lips as I couldn’t help but moan. 

I wrapped my legs around him as he continued grinding into me, our bodies completely in sync. There’s something about him and me and this thing we do. We’re always in tune, we know what we like and what we need. Even when it’s been years since the last time. 

I felt my body tense up as I reached my point. Justin rolled off me and pulled me to his chest as we both tried to catch our breath. He thoughtlessly played with my hair and I couldn’t help but think about what it would have been like if this was our life. If we got married, would we have more kids by now? Would we be a happy little family living the dream? 

Probably not. We’re probably be divorced by now. His mother would probably have a restraining order against me.

I hate how my mind automatically goes to what would have or could have happened if life was a fairy tale. It’s not. It never will be. 

Justin kissed the top of my head, “That was…”

I looked up to see a big smile cover his face, “What? That was what, Justin?” 

“All you. That was all you. I was… not expecting that.”

I shrugged, “I wanted to cheer you up.”

“Well it worked,” he chuckled, wrapping his arms around me tighter, “It definitely worked.”

“I’m so glad,” I laughed, resting my head on his chest. 

“God Mac,” he took a long breath before playing with my hair again, “Just marry me, would you?”

I giggled. He did not.

“I’m not completely joking.”

“Come on…”

“You’re the only person that actually cares about me. You’re the only one that legitimately gives a shit and looks out for me and thinks of me as a person not a brand.”

I sat up so he could look at me as I spoke, “Justin, a lot of people care about you. I know you’re not feeling like it now, but you need to take a break from everything. You need to hire new people and distance yourself from the people who aren’t listening. You’re not a kid trying to make it anymore, you’re an adult who has made it. So make them listen to you.”

“Yeah,” he nodded his head, “Or you could marry me.”

“What would that  fix?”

“Everything, are you kidding? First of all, you’d always have my back. So whenever anyone is being a bitch I can just be like Mac, take care of this,”  he answered with a half smile.

I laughed and fell back to his chest, “You’ve lost your mind.”

“I’m serious. Actually, I’d just quit all the bullshit and go back to school or something. We could move out in the middle of nowhere and be a normal family.”

He’s trying to joke about something that he’s absolutely serious about. It’s no secret how much he hates the current situation and would give up everything to just be Chris’s father. He’s felt that way since I found out I was pregnant. 

“You know,” he continued, “one of these days you’re going to say yes, cause I’m not going to stop asking until you do.”

I placed my hand on the side of his face, “We’re going to figure it out Justin, especially with Chris. I mean, you can come over more and see him when he’s sleeping. I know it’s not ideal but it’s something. And you can come talk to me more. You don’t have to wait until you get to the breaking point.”

“I’m not supposed to have any contact with you.”

“Like that’s ever stopped you before.”

He looked down at me, giving me a half smile, “I’ve missed you Mac.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

“Then marry me.”