March 16, 2014

I woke up with a nervous feeling in my stomach. Today is the day Matt is taking Chris off roading for his birthday. I know I won’t be spending the day with them, I’ll only see Matt for a few minutes, but it’s the first time I’ve seen him since we broke up. Let’s just say he wasn’t exactly the happiest I’ve ever seen him that day. 

I showered and even straightened my hair, but then decided to put on jeans and a tank top because I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard. It’s stupid that I’m nervous to see this man I’ve been with for the past two years. So stupid.

I stopped at Chris’s room on my way downstairs and knocked softly before opening the door, “Wake up, Sleepy Head!”

Chris whined and tossed in his bed, pulling a pillow over his head.

“Matt will be here soon and you need to shower,” I pulled the pillow off his head and sat next to him on the bed, “Make sure you use soap and scrub. Don’t just rinse off quick, wash your hair too.  I don’t know why I still have to tell you that.”

He chuckled and pulled the covers over his face. 

“It’s not funny!” I laughed and pulled the covers down, “Get ready! I’ll make breakfast. Pancakes? French Toast? Eggs?”

“French Toast. And a smoothie!”

“Definitely. I have some of that bumpy squash left that I need to get rid of.”

“NO!” he laughed as he rolled out of the bed and onto the floor. I sat on his bed, watching him crawl to his bathroom. He’s so strange.

“Sometimes, Christopher, you really worry me.”

He laughed, stuck his tongue out at me, and slammed his bathroom door. I laughed as I made my way downstairs and started making breakfast. It’s a relief to see him in a good mood. After the conversation we had about his father it took him a little while to be back to normal. I hate watching him go through those struggles, especially when I can’t tell him everything. It’s not even that it would fix anything, it probably wouldn’t. I feel like the shittiest mother in the world.

Chris came bouncing down the stairs and plopped on his normal chair at the bar just as I placed a plate of french toast in front of him. He grabbed the syrup and held it a foot over the plate, letting it fall everywhere. 

“What are you going to do today?” he asked with his mouth full, as if I haven’t taught him anything.

“Chew! God, you’re like an obnoxious teenager all of a sudden.” 

He laughed and rolled his eyes, “I am a teenager, not my fault.”

I sat down next to him and cut up my own french toast, “Kelly is coming over. I’m going to help her register for her baby shower.”

“Sounds boring.”

“Sounds like fun to me.”

He shook his head, “Boring. You can come with us, wanna come?”

I smiled at his sly attempt to get Matt and I to spend time together, “Nah, I want to shop.”

“This place is real cool. There’s sand dunes and steep hills and we can just go around in Matt’s jeep. It looks so cool. I’d show you the website on my iPhone but… oh wait, I don’t have one.”

“Get over the iPhone! You’re so exhausting!”

He took a deep breath, “They have camping, too.”

“I’ll take you camping,” I offered. 

“Yeah right, with who? Kelly?”

“Why not Kelly?”

“Uh, cause she’s pregnant and couldn’t even get off the couch by herself yesterday. She probably couldn’t even fit in a sleeping bag.”

“Christopher!” I laughed and playfully slapped his arm, “Don’t you dare say that in front of her! She will kill you and I won’t be able to protect you.”

“Whatever, I can take her.”

We heard a beep from the driveway and Chris jumped up and ran towards the door. 

“Whoa, wait!” I followed him outside, surprised to see Matt sitting in his jeep. I thought he’d at least come to the door. That’s not like him.

Chris ran to the jeep and hopped into the front seat. As I made my way to the driveway, Kelly pulled up. She is so adorably pregnant and has such a hard time maneuvering out of her car. I laughed, remembering what Chris said about her trying to get off the couch. 

She looked at Matt’s jeep confused, and then looked at me. 

“Well, hey there Matt,” she offered in a singsong. 

“Hey Kel, how’s it going?” he got out of the jeep to give her a hug. “Getting close, huh?”

“Yeah, three more months!” 

“Exciting,” he flashed a smile and ran his hands through his shaggy brown hair, “good to see you.”

“Yeah, good to see you too.” she gave me a look, then turned to Chris as she wobbled up the driveway, “Hi punk, don’t even say hi to me, it’s cool.”

“I just saw you!” Chris called out the window, “I always see you!”

“So, you don’t say hi?” she gave him a sarcastic smile, “I’m taking your present back.”

“Hi Kelly!!!” Chris shouted with a chuckle. 

“Hi Christopher!”she shouted back.

I laughed at the relationship Kelly has with my son and gave her a quick hug before jogging past her to Matt’s jeep. I’m pretty sure he would just drive away without acknowledging my presence at all. 

“Hey,” I smiled. 

“Hey,” Matt said softly then looked over at Chris and turned back to me with a smile, “How are you guys doing? Alright?”

“Yeah, we’re good. How’s everything with you?”

“Good, good,” he nodded his head awkwardly. This is all so awkward. 

“OK, well I’ll let you guys go and have your man day. Please be careful, and keep your seatbelt on. And don’t go too fast,” I turned to Matt, “Please.”

“Got it.”

“Got it,” Chris repeated.

“And call me at some point, let me know how it’s going. Do you need anything? Want me to make you some sandwiches or something?”

“I got it,” Matt nodded to the cooler in the backseat. 

“OK. Have fun. Be good,” I blew a kiss at my son. 

“Bye Mom,” Chris shouted as Matt rolled up his window. 

I walked back to the house, where Kelly was already waiting. She gave me one of her famous looks and giggled, “Awkward.”

“Tell me about it. He didn’t even come to the door. God, he talked to you more than he talked to me.”

“Well, to be fair, I didn’t break up with him.”

“Yeah, but you also didn’t date him for two years.”

She shrugged and sat down in the kitchen as I put some water in the kettle for tea. “But I didn’t break his heart.”

“Neither did I!”

“Sure you didn’t. I think you’re taking the breakup better than anyone. Hell, even I’m a little sad about it. I like Matt.”

I grabbed the mugs from the cabinet and ignored her comment. I’m not sure how to respond to that. Of course she likes Matt, he’s a very likable guy. Everyone likes him. My parents love him, my son obviously loves him. It’s not helping anything for everyone to tell me how much they love him. 

“Anyway, I think you need to give it some time. It was pretty random that you broke up, and he was really invested. It’s probably still really difficult for him to see you.”

“What do you mean it was random? It was not random.”

“Mac, I was with you both the weekend before and you were completely happy, in love, like everything was great. I was with you the night before and you didn’t say a word about breaking up with him to me. Not a word. You tell me everything.”

“That’s not true, but whatever.”

“What isn’t true about it?” she laughed, “You surprised everyone when you broke up with him. That’s fine, but you can’t go around pretending it was a long time coming and you were unhappy for awhile.”

“Why are you acting like that’s the only reason we could have broken up? I wasn’t unhappy for awhile, but I realized it wasn’t working. Are you saying I should have stayed with him because I wasn’t quite miserable enough to end it?”

“No, of course that’s not what I’m saying. Do you think—” she began, already making me nervous about what would come next. My best friend is a therapist, and although it sometimes works to my advantage, the majority of the time it drives me fucking crazy. “Don’t get mad at me, I’m just asking.  But, do you think this whole thing has anything to do with Justin?”

“What?” I almost shouted, here we go…“Kel, I haven’t—“

“I mean, I’m just saying. You haven’t dated much, or at all, since Justin. And then you found Matt and it was going good, I mean I assume, and then maybe it started getting a little too… serious?”

“OK, where do I start? First of all, I haven’t really dated. In general. I dated Justin when I was nineteen. Then I had a baby. So of course I’m not going to date, I didn’t want to bring guys around when Chris was young, plus it’s not like I had time to date even if I wanted to. And it didn’t just start getting serious with Matt, it’s been serious for a long time. ”

“I know, I know.”

“And I didn’t even date Justin for that long. I’ve been with Matt way longer than I was ever with Justin. ”

“Oh please Mac, you know you’re talking to me, right? Not Justin’s mother or some lawyer? You and Justin had a whirlwind romance for a couple months then you ‘broke up’” she made the air quotes with her fingers, “but I’m not one of the idiots that actually fell for that. 

I know he was here all the time. I know how much you loved him. And I know that he was madly in love with you. I mean, he wanted to marry you, Mac.”

“He didn’t—“ I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm myself down, “OK, well that was more than ten years ago.”

“I know.  I’m just saying, do you think that maybe, there could be a part of you that might have some unrealistic expectations and might be looking more for something like what you had with Justin? Because that was such a… unique relationship.”

“No, I don’t. My relationship with Justin wasn’t that great. Sure, we had some amazing times but the majority of the time I was with him really sucked. I went through some horrible things, and I would never want to do that again. My relationship with Matt was completely different. And normal. There wasn’t any of that drama that I had with Justin, it was so much easier.”

“Do you think that maybe, because Justin was your first true love, and you had such a unique relationship where you broke up but didn’t really break up for so long, that there still could be a part of you that’s kind of waiting for Justin? Even if it’s really only a little, tiny part of you? And that would be ok. Maybe you were getting too serious with Matt and it freaked you out because you’re whole life the only person you ever imagined you’d be with is the father of your child?”

“No, I don’t.  I hate when you go all therapist on me Kelly, I’m not your patient.”

“I’m not going all therapist on you, I’m going all best friend on you. Because Justin is engaged. To someone else.”

“I’m aware of that. Thank you.”

“OK. I just know you’re seeing him tomorrow and I don’t want you to…”

“Kelly,” I moved next to her and grabbed her hands, “I know you’re looking out for me, and you’re in mommy mode, protective mode. I appreciate it, really. But this has nothing to do with Justin. It’s been ten years since we’ve been together, in any sense. I’m absolutely over that. He’s engaged and I’m very happy for him. I’m seeing him tomorrow to talk about our son, and that’s it.”

“OK,” she paused to giggle, “You get so defensive when we talk about Justin.”

“Because it was so long ago,” I whined, “You’re so annoying.”

“You turn into a nineteen year old when we talk about him,” she answered with a half smile, “A whiny, bratty nineteen year old.”

I took a deep breath and poured the boiling water into our mugs. “This conversation is exhausting.”

“Exactly my point,” Kelly laughed, “You know me, queen of exhausting conversations.”

“You’re lucky you’re pregnant or I’d have to kick your ass.”

She chuckled and grabbed the mug in her hands, “Bitch, please. I could take you even with this kid in my belly.”