March 25, 2000

The first month Justin and I were together was like living in a fairytale. We spent every minute together, he basically moved into my studio apartment. But that time flew by and before either of us knew it everything changed. 

It started slowly, at first Justin had a few meetings a week, but then it quickly picked up when he began rehearsals for his tour. He was busy at least twelve hours a day and although he made sure to see me everyday he was so exhausted he almost always fell asleep shortly after we saw each other. 

The night before he left for tour I didn’t know what to do with myself. The fact that he was leaving for six months scared me to death.

As I waited at his house for him to come home from his last rehearsal, I sat at the piano playing Alkan’s Scherzo Diabolico, the fast angry tempo matched my mood. When Justin walked in he stood next to me in silence until I finished the song. 

“I love hearing you play. I could hear you as soon as I got to the driveway.”

I couldn’t respond, instead I stood up and fell into his arms. 

“I know it sucks, Mac. It’s only a couple months.”

I know it’s supposed to make me feel better, the fact that he’s being so optimistic, but it doesn’t. He’s leaving to tour the world for six months and I only met him two months ago. That’s three times as long as I even knew him. How is it possible to get through that? It’s great that he’s being optimistic, but I can’t help but be realistic.

“It’s half a year,” I reminded him. 

“Not straight through. It’s two months, a week off, two months, a month off, two months.”

“So more like seven and a half months then.”

“That wasn’t where I was going with that,” he forced a smile.

“But it’s true. It’s a long time and it’s going to feel like forever. There’s no need to sugarcoat it.”

“I’m going to be back a lot,” he wrapped his arms around me, “You’re going to come visit me.”

“I have classes. I can’t just leave and fly to the other side of the country. You know that.”

“There’s long weekends. And you have a break between semesters.” 

I let out a sigh and leaned down to rest my head on his shoulder. 

“I got dinner.”

I ignored him. 

“Mac, come on. It’s going to get cold.”

He moved away from me and placed the food on the table. I couldn’t move, just watched him spooning the food onto plates. 

“Please, Mac. I’m leaving in the morning, and it sucks. Can’t we try to make the best out of our last night together?”

I hopped off the counter and sat next to him at the table. I played with my food instead of eating it, my appetite was absolutely gone. 

“I’m starving, aren’t you hungry? Rehearsals are kicking my ass but the show is coming together really well. I can’t wait for you to see it.” he paused, waiting for me to say something but I continued looking at my plate, “Alright, what’s going on?”

I looked up at him, “I’m just thinking.”

“I know you are, it’s kind of freaking me out. Think out loud.”

“I really like you, Justin.”

“I really like you, Mackenzie.”

“But I just really—“

“No, stop,” he broke in, “What are you doing?”

“You’re going on tour. For six months. You’re going to be meeting a lot of people and—“

“What? Where are you going with that? Who cares?”

“I just don’t want you to miss out on anything because of me.”

“What are you even talking about? You don’t make any sense.”

“I’m making perfect sense, you’re just not listening. I’m saying that you are twenty years old and you should be able to have fun and to party. I mean, you have this insane opportunity, you should be able to live it up. You shouldn’t have to worry about me back home. And when you get back we can see if we’re still—“

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“I just think we should probably take a break while you’re gone.”

“No.”

I wiped my eyes, “What do you mean no? You can’t just say no.”

“Of course I can. I’m not going to just go along with your crazy talk, Mac. I’ll be back in two months.”

“Justin, we met two months ago.”

“OK, what does that have to do with anything? You’ll be busy with school anyway, you can focus on school. I’ll be busy too. It’ll go by fast.”

“You’re not listening to me.”

“Maybe I’m not listening to you, but that’s because you’re talking crazy. What do you think life is like on tour? There’s girls everywhere and strippers and cocaine or something? I’m in a boy band for fucks sake. The majority of the kids at the show are just that, kids. We’re so overbooked we go straight on a bus after the show and drive to the next city. So yeah, I am listening to you Mac, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with you.”

“You don’t really have to agree with me.”

“Oh, come on,” he threw his head back, “I’m leaving in the morning, Mac. Can we please just enjoy tonight?”

“I’m not, not enjoying tonight. I just think we should be realistic.”

“For fucks sake, I’m being realistic,” he shook his head and chuckled, “You’re being insane. At least give it a shot, Mac. Come on. What’s it going to hurt? You just want to forget everything and walk away, 

“I don’t want to walk away.”

“Then stop talking crazy, eat your dinner and go to bed with me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 15, 2000

Being away from Justin really sucks.

He told me it would go by fast and he’d have all these breaks where he’d come home. I should have known that wouldn’t happen. It’s been two and a half months and he hasn’t had more than a day off at a time. His first break was supposed to be two weeks ago, but his management keeps adding more dates and appearances. It’s a miracle he hasn’t passed out from exhaustion, never mind get a whole week off. 

  I feel like I’m missing a part of myself when he’s gone. I’m aware how stupid that sounds, we were only technically together a few months before he left for tour. I’ve tried to talk myself out of these stupid feelings, but it’s not working. I’m learning to just accept it. 

As soon as I finished my last final I was on my way to the airport, flying a red eye from LAX to JFK. I can only stay for a few days, before my summer classes start, but the thought of being able to actually spend time with Justin again was all I needed. 

When I landed in New York City, I took a cab to the hotel. At first, Justin insisted he’d come pick me up, but then things changed when his management found out. They’re not exactly happy I’m coming. I guess it ruins Justin’s heartthrob image if he actually has a girlfriend. 

It was still difficult for me to understand the whole celebrity thing surrounding Justin. I grew up in Los Angeles, my father has some friends that are celebrities but I always just saw them as normal people. 

When the cab pulled up to the hotel, I finally understood it. 

OK, I understood what Justin means when he says he’s a big deal, and when I make fun of him for being paranoid and he says I don’t get it. I get it now. There are tons of girls sitting outside the hotel. Tons of girls wearing my boyfriend’s face on their shirts, and holding signs proclaiming their love for him. The whole sidewalk is full they had to put barriers up so there’s a small path for people to walk by. 

I felt overwhelmed by the accessiveness, and took a deep breath.

“Hey, kid, $47.50”

“Oh, right. sorry,” I handed him the money and grabbed my suitcase from the trunk. It took me a minute to get my thoughts together, and I slowly made my way into the lobby. Surprisingly, it was quiet inside, I guess the security outside is doing there job with keeping the riffraff out. 

A security guard stopped me at the elevator, “Can I see your key, please?”

“My key? I don’t—“

“You need a key to get upstairs.”

Awesome. 

“I don’t have one, I’m meeting my boyfriend. He’s already checked in.”

The man gave me a look, then turned to my bags, “Do you know the room?”

I nodded my head. 

“Alright, I’ll let you go,” he gave me a smile, “Red eye flight, huh?”

I nodded my head again and got on the elevator catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Yup, definitely look like I just got off a red eye flight. I quickly ran my hands through my hair and tried to look at least a little more put together. 

As soon as I knocked on Justin’s door he opened it slightly and pulled me inside. He pushed me up against the closed door and kissed me harder than I’ve ever been kissed before. 

“Hi,” I giggled as he pulled away. 

“Hi,” he smiled as he grabbed my hands and pulled me to the bed,”Hi Mac. God, I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” I said as I placed my hands on his face, “You’ve grown so much.”

Justin chuckled before kissing me gently, “What are you talking about? I haven’t grown.”

“You look older.”

“It’s been two months.”

“Your hair is different.”

He shrugged and offered a smile, “I got a haircut.”

“I like it,” I ran my hands through his shorter, curly hair. 

“How was your flight, ok?”

“Yeah, it was good,” I smiled, unable to stop studying him, “How are you? How’s everything? I miss you.”

“I’m right here,’ Justin said as he pulled me to his chest, “How was the flight? Are you tired?”

“Yeah, it was good. I’ve never flown first class before, thanks.”

“You’ve never flown first class?” he asked out of disbelief, “You’re telling me your father makes you fly coach?”

“Are you kidding?” I asked with a chuckle,  “My father is cheap when it comes to that stuff.”

“That’s weird, he never will let me pay for anything when we go out.”

“There’s a big difference between dinner and first class.”

My parents have basically taken Justin in as one of their own. My mother called me as soon as my father told her about our awkward lunch where he walked in on Justin laying on my bed. She was seriously pissed that I hadn’t called her to tell her all about ‘this boy’ and even told me we had to go get our nails done and have girl talk. 

Never, in my life, has my mother asked me to go get our nails done together. She is not the kind of woman who gets her nails done. For that matter, neither am I. But she really made me feel like we’d be missing out on some huge mother daughter bonding experience if not, so we went to get our nails down and shared girl talk like they do in the movies. 

Of course, that wasn’t enough and she insisted I invite Justin back to the house for dinner. I was embarrassed to even mention it to Justin, but when I did he was actually excited. Part of the condition of me getting a studio apartment in college, which my parents so graciously are paying for, is that I go back home once a week for a family dinner. Justin has been added to that condition while he was in town. 

“How are they, your parents?”

“They’re good,” I said as I crawled on top of him, “Let’s not talk about them now, ok?”

“OK,” he chuckled as I kissed him gently. I stopped when I noticed the screaming and chanting coming from outside, “What?” Justin asked as he kissed my neck. 

“You can literally hear them outside. We’re in New York City. On the fourteenth floor. And we can hear them outside. Are they always this loud?”

“Does it turn you on?” he asked with a sexy smile. 

“No,” I answered too quickly, if I’m honest it kind of freaks me out, “should it?”

He chuckled, “I mean, I would think so”

“I should be turned on because there are hundred of preteens screaming for you?”

Justin laughed, “Yeah. They’re all out there for me, your boyfriend. It’s gotta make you feel special that I’m here with you”

“Oh god,” I laughed, resting my head on his chest, “Maybe it’s because you’re part of a group and so I know that realistically only one fifth of them are screaming for you so…”

“Oh please, everyone knows I’m the young heartthrob. At least two fifths of them are here for me. I’ve got that boyish charm.”

“And so modest too, not even the slightest bit cocky,” I answered with a smile. 

“I know, it’s amazing,” he paused as he ran his hand through my hair, before asking seriously “Does it freak you out?”

“You never answered my question.”

“What was your question?”

“If they’re always this loud.”

“No, it’s New York,” he lied, “Everything is, you know, exaggerated here.”

I nodded my head.

“Mac, it’s not always this crazy. They’re harmless.”

“I know.”

“But it freaks you out?”

I shrugged, “It’s a little weird. Not bad, just weird.”

Justin let out a sigh and wrapped his arms around me, “You’re not allowed to use that as some excuse to try to break up with me while you’re here, got it? I’m serious, I have a break in two weeks.”

“I’m not.”

“Good. Because I’m madly in love with you and I’m not going to take any of that shit.”

A smile covered my face as I crawled back on top of him, “What did you just say?”

“You heard me,” he answered with a smile. 

“I thought I heard you, but like, there’s all that screaming…” I giggled as Justin turned me over and laid on top of me. He attached his lips to my neck and unzipped my jeans. 

He chuckled as he continued kissing me and slowly slid his hand down my pants. 

A knock on the door made us both freeze, “J, let’s go, we’re leaving!” a voice called from the hallway. 

Justin rested his head on my shoulder, “Nooo,” he whined in a whisper. 

“Don’t go.”

“I gotta go.”

“Just quit. Stay here.”

He kissed me one more time before standing up and changing his clothes, “I have to go to MTV to do TRL. You can do whatever, take a nap you must be exhausted. Get room service if you’re hungry. When we’re finished at MTV we’re going straight to the venue. So, want to meet me there around four?” he asked as he tossed me a backstage pass, “Rachel’s here, she’s next door so if you want to go out and do something she’ll go with you. Just make sure you’re at Madison Square Garden at four.”

“Yes, sir,” I sat up and fixed my jeans, “I’ll see you at four. Have fun.”

I did sleep for a little while, then went out exploring with Rachel. Rachel is Justin’s cousin, and although I met her a few times before, we really bonded on that New York trip. It was refreshing to have her friendly face there to help me deal with the madness I was thrown into. 

When I got to Madison Square Garden, I found Justin standing at craft services. He smiled and left the guy he was talking to when he saw me. 

“Hi,” he wrapped his arms around me. 

“Hi.”

“Did you eat?” I nodded my head. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his dressing room, “You ready?”

“Sure, for what?” I watched as he gave me a half smile and pulled a baseball cap on his head, “Uh oh, why is the Michael from Kentucky hat coming out?”

Justin chuckled and put on his sunglasses, “Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?”

“Look, you’re going to have to trust me on this,” he said as he grabbed both of my hands in his, “Do you trust me?”

“Yeah, of course I trust you, but—“

“No buts. You trust me. Let’s go.”

I didn’t protest, instead I let him grab my hand and pull me out of his dressing room. I watched him carefully look around as we made our way through the back stage area. We’re not supposed to be doing this, even if Justin won’t admit it. He’s acting sneaky and to be honest, there are hundreds of girls outside who seem ready to attack, I’m not sure this is such a good idea. 

As we made our way to the door I felt the need to warn him, “Justin, there’s tons of—“

“Justin’s not here, it’s just Michael. From Kentucky,” he smiled and opened the door, “Act natural.”

Justin quickly led me through the crowd and put his arm out to call a cab as we stood on 8th Street. My heart was beating in my throat, we were standing out there at possibly the most populated area of New York City. Hundreds of people were outside waiting to catch a glimpse of him not even to mention the thousands of other people walking by trying to get to Penn Station. 

He looked over at me and smiled as a cab pulled up, “We’re good.”

I slid over in the cab once Justin opened the door for me. The cab driver looked back at us and Justin spoke up, “West 56th and 7th, please.”

He grabbed onto my hand as the driver took off. As tough as he wants to pretend he is, I definitely felt him breathing a sigh of relief. 

“Do I get any kind of hint?” I asked. 

“Nope.”

When the cab stopped Justin led me into the back entrance of a building. I tried to get some kind of a hint as to where we were, but the scaffolding blocked out any clues there may be.  A security guard waved him in, and I still have absolutely no idea what is going on. He checked his watched as we went up the stairs and down a long, quiet hallway. 

He stopped in front of a door, let out a breath and smiled, “OK. We’re here.”

“Where is here?”

Justin opened the door and led me inside. My heart stopped as I saw the famous red seats and white and gold interior. He sat down in the center of the curve and waited for me to sit. I couldn’t take my eyes off the beautiful architecture. I’ve only ever dreamed of going to Carnegie Hall, and now I’m actually here. 

“Word on the street is, these are the best seats in the house. The acoustics here are the best, but I’m sure you know that.”

I nodded my head and looked around the empty auditorium, “It’s beautiful. Horowitz sold out this auditorium in 1965. Wouldn’t it have been amazing to be here for that?”

Justin smiled and looked at his watch. 

“Do we have to go?”

“No. No, we’re staying. Martha Argerich, am I saying that right?” I nodded my head as he continued, “She’s performing here tonight. I really wish I didn’t have a show so I could take you.”

That would have been amazing. Like, the kind of amazing that makes you feel like if you died tomorrow, it would be ok. 

“It’s ok. I’m really just speechless being here, especially having the whole place to ourselves, it’s amazing.”

“Yeah. Well, I’m sorry I can’t take you to the show, but, I can take you to the soundcheck.”

I looked at him baffled, and he just smiled and nodded towards the stage. As if on cue, Martha Argerich walked to the piano. She gently pulled the bench out and began playing. 

OK, now I really can’t breathe. 

I could feel Justin’s eyes on me, but I couldn’t turn my attention away from the stage. As she paused between songs, I finally turned to him, “Thank you so much. This is magical.”

Justin didn’t say anything, he just smiled and kissed me gently. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, trying to take it all in. I’ve never felt this happy and content in my life. 

When she finished playing I turned to Justin, “Just so we’re clear, I’m madly in love with you, too.”

The smile on his face couldn’t have been bigger if I told him he won a billion dollars, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I giggled, surprised at his reaction, “Why do you look so surprised?”

“Oh, I don’t know Mac, maybe because last time I saw you, you tried to break up with me? Or because when I told you I loved you, you just did the classic kiss and pull your shirt off.”

“I did not!”

“You did!” he chuckled, “The international sign for thanks for saying you love me but I’m definitely not feeling it. Let me distract you so I don’t have to say anything.”

“I thought you knew.”

He shrugged and smiled, “I didn’t.”

“Well, now you do.”

He nodded his head as he stood up and grabbed onto my hand, “Now I do.”

I followed him outside and once again he threw his arm out and hailed a cab. 

“7th and West 45th, please,” Justin spoke to the cab driver before turning to me, “One more stop.”

When the cab stopped a block from Times Square I looked at Justin. He smiled and helped me out of the car. 

“There’s so many people here.”

“Yeah. We’re at Times Square,” he chuckled and wrapped his arm around my waist. 

“It kinda makes me nervous being here with you. I mean, you’re kind of a big deal.”

Justin smiled, “As excited as I am that you seem to finally get the fact that I am, in fact, a big deal, I don’t want you to be nervous. Everything will be fine. Big crowds are good, easy to blend in.”

Also easy to get mobbed. It amazes me how nervous he gets walking on my campus when no one is around, and how calm he is now, in the middle of New York City. 

“We’re just going to grab a cheesecake to go,” he smiled as he moved his arm from my waist and grabbed my hand, leading me into a side take-out entrance to Junior’s Restaurant, “It’s the best cheesecake in the world, I promise you that. What kind should we get?”

I stood in front of the glass case in amazement. I love cheesecake but this looks like an art exhibit of pure perfection. 

“Mac?” Justin said softly as he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me into him, “You alright over there?”

“Yeah,” I answered, still unable to look away from the case. 

“What kind should we get?”

“Strawberry,” I said looking at the huge cheesecake with whole, fresh strawberries in awe, “Always strawberry.”

I must have phased out for a second, because next thing I knew Justin was pulling me out of the restaurant with an orange and white striped box in his hand. 

“You are absolutely ridiculous,” Justin chuckled once he finally got me outside. He kissed me gently and grabbed my hand, leading me through the crowd and hailing another cab. 

I shrugged with a smile, “I love cheesecake.”

“You don’t say!” 

When the cab stopped in front of Madison Square Garden Justin grabbed my hand and quickly led me through the crowd and into an entrance where a venue security guard checked our passes and let us inside.

As soon as we got inside Justin quickly took off his hat and hid the cheesecake behind him as one of his security guards turned down the hall. “Where were you J? They’ve been looking for you.”

“I was here. Around,” Justin answered with a smile. 

“Soundcheck in a half an hour!” the security guard shouted as he continued on his way. 

“That’s Kev,” Justin grabbed my hand and led me down the hall before continuing sarcastically “He’s really polite and has incredible manners. Sorry he didn't even acknowledge your presence.”

“It’s ok,” I answered honestly. I wouldn’t have even noticed if Justin hadn’t pointed it out. I know people aren’t really happy I’m here. It definitely bothers Justin, but I’m not here to worry about that. I’m here to see Justin, and that’s all that matters to me.