March 17, 2014

The sky was painted with clouds as I nervously made my way to the Hungry Fox Diner to meet Justin. This was always our secret meet up location, the small greasy spoon in the middle of nowhere. No one ever gave Justin a second look when we ate here, the locals were too busy chatting with their new friends to even notice our presence. It was exactly what we needed. 

It wasn’t until this morning that I realized how nervous I actually am. We’ve kept in touch and talked over the phone plenty of times, but this is the first time we’ve been face to face in at least five years. 

I pulled into the almost empty parking lot and fixed my hair in the rare view mirror before taking a deep breath and making my way inside. I looked around the diner, it hasn’t changed much since the last time we were here, much like it hasn’t changed much since the ‘70s.  When I spotted the back of Justin’s head, wearing his signature baseball cap, I slowly made my way over to out usual booth. 

“Hey,” I spoke softly as I stood in front of the booth, “Fancy meeting you here.”

“Hey you,” Justin smiled brightly and stood up, pulling me into a tight hug. 

There are no words to describe how good it fells to be in his arms again. We’ve had our moments, and even though he may not have physically been here, he’s always been just a phone call away. Whenever I’m with him, I always feel like I can take on the world. It’s so good to be with him again, I have no doubt we’ll be able to figure out whats best for Chris. 

“God, it’s so good to see you,” Justin spoke sincerely as we pulled apart and sat down on opposite sides of the booth. 

“It’s good to see you too. So weird.”

“I know, right? You look good, exactly the same actually. For fucks sake, Mac, don’t you age?”

“Oh, I’ve definitely aged,” I laughed, “You look older. You’ve aged a lot.”

“Thanks,” he answered sarcastically, “That’s really the first thing you’re going to say to me?”

I giggled, “You didn’t let me finish! You’ve aged well. Men age well. You look good.”

Justin’s gaze fell to his hands, “Well thanks, Mac.” He smiled before looking up at me, “Are you saying I’m more attractive now than I was when I was twenty?”

“Yeah, I guess I am,” I answered honestly. 

He blushed a little, surprised by my answer, “You also called me a man. I’m not sure what’s happening here.”

“We all have to grow up sometime.”

“That we do,” he nodded his head as the waitress placed two root beer floats in front of us. “Perfect timing,” he chuckled. 

“Amazing timing,” I laughed as I reached for the float, our usual beverage of choice at The Hungry Fox.  “I don’t even care. Adults drink root beer floats all the time. I haven’t had one of these in awhile.”

Justin smiled and leaned closer to me before speaking softly, “Are you telling me you’re not raising our son to appreciate root beer floats?”

“He’s actually not that big of a fan of root beer. Can you believe it?”

“No, I can’t believe it. How is that even possible?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I did put it in his bottle when he was a baby, as you do.”

“Absolutely, doctor recommended.”

“He would just rather have Mountain Dew, then bounce off the walls. There’s so much sugar in that stuff.”

He nodded and fixed the hat on his head. 

“I’m so glad Michael from Kentucky could join us today.”

He chuckled, “You thought it was bad before.”

“I know, you’ve gone out and become a full blown superstar.”

Justin threw his head down shyly, but I continued, “I’m really proud of you, you know. I mean you really made something of yourself.”

He laughed nervously, “Thanks Mac, I mean it’s not like I had any other options. I couldn’t mess my career up, I mean then everything would have been for nothing.” 

It’s hard to sit across from him, after all these years, thinking about what would have happened if things didn’t happen the way they did. I’ve thought about it thousands of times before, Justin and I have discussed it hundreds of times, but every time we’re sitting across from each other I can’t help but wonder. 

“Anyway, you’re pretty impressive yourself. Neonatal nurse, finishing school with a newborn, raising Chris on your own.”

“Eh, I had a lot of help. His father is kinda loaded,” I answered with a smile.

Justin chuckled, “Sure he is.” 

We sat in an awkward silence for a few seconds before Justin continued,  “So, how’s everything going? I saw your father awhile ago, he was working with my video costar.”

“Yeah, he told me.”

“Took me out for lunch, you know. Good guy. Still wouldn’t let me pay though.”

I laughed, “Sounds about right.”

“Yeah. He showed me some pictures of Chris and filled me in on everything. It makes me feel a lot better about everything knowing that he’s looking after him. I don’t mean to say you’re not, it’s just, ya’know,” he paused to gather his thoughts, “You know, my grandfather was always a big influence on me, especially with all that guy stuff.”

I nodded my head and reached over to grab his hands to comfort him,“I know.”

“But anyway,” he smiled, “Let’s uh… move on. Still playing piano?”

“Yeah, not that much but I’m still playing.”

“Good. Is Chris playing?”

“No, not really. I tried to teach him but he doesn’t want anything to do with it. He plays around with it sometimes, I mean he’s got that natural talent, but he’s not interested right now.”

“I’m sure he will be.”

The waitress came and took our orders and we continued with the small talk. Justin asked about Kelly and my parents, I asked about his cousin Rachel and his friends. We shared just about every piece of small talk we could think of. 

When the waitress brought our burgers Justin finally changed the subject, “Alright, enough of that. Tell me about my son.”

I couldn’t help but smile as I heard Justin refer to Chris as his son. His son. It’s been awhile since I’ve heard Justin refer to Chris as his son. “He’s great, really. He’s growing up, like he wakes up every day and acts more like an adult, then he has these moments where he’s still a little boy, but he’s so mature. It freaks me out a little bit.”

Justin smiled, “That’s so cool.”

“He’s growing so fast, seriously I can’t get over how fast. We went for his checkup the other day and the doctor said he’s in the 90th percentile. He’s going to be like 6’5.”

“WHAT?!?” he chuckled, “He’s still playing basketball then?”

“Yeah, he’s the tallest on his team. He’s like 5’6, at least 5 inches taller than the rest of his team.”

“That’s insane. What’s he doing for fun?”

“He got a guitar for Christmas. He’s a natural, he just picked it up and started playing. I’m going to get him lessons once the basketball season is over. He really likes it.”

“God, that’s so fucking cool,” Justin said with a huge smile covering his face. 

“Yeah, I knew you’d like that. Chris and Landon, his best friend, want to start a band. Landon got a bass for Christmas, so they just need to find a drummer. Landon’s adorable, you’d really like him. They’ve been inseparable since the first day of Kindergarten. He plays basketball too, and they have like everything in common. Landon’s Chris’s Trace. His Kelly.”

Justin nodded his head, “That’s awesome he has a friend like that. It’s weird, you know, most people aren’t lucky enough to have close friends like that, but we do. So of course he does.”

“It’s important for us only children.”

“What else can you tell me? How’s he doing in school?”

“He’s doing really well, actually. He had some problems with his science class at the beginning of the year, but he’s been going in after school and asking for help so he really brought his grades up. I’m kind of making him sound like an angel. I should stop gushing. He’s got plenty of bad qualities, too.”

“Well, let’s hear them!” Justin said with a chuckle.

“He has really poor hygiene.  Like if I didn’t remind him to shower every day I highly doubt he would. His hair is absolutely out of control, but it’s so cute I can’t make him cut it. He’s really funny though, and he’s smart and he’s quick. He’s fairly well behaved, I mean he doesn’t talk back too much.”

“That’s always good,” he chuckled.

“Oh, I have a video. I made a video of him last night so you can see him. It was kind of weird and creepy, but I thought you’d want to see it.” I pulled my phone out and moved over to his side of the booth. “He was just being silly and telling me about what happened at laser tag. We brought some of his friends there Saturday for his birthday.”

I held my phone out and Justin watched the video intently. Chris was bouncing around the room, explaining the way he beat all his friends playing laser tag. I asked him if he was sure they didn’t just let him win because it was his birthday and he gave me the most amazing look of shock I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t stop laughing. 

When the video stopped Justin reached for my phone to replay it. A smile covered his face and he grabbed my phone again and sent the video to himself. When he handed me back my phone and he wiped his eyes. 

“God, he’s so big. You should send me videos, why don’t you ever send me videos?”

“OK, I’ll send you videos.”

“Do you have any more?”

We sat for awhile, going through all the videos I had of Chris on my phone. I really don’t take videos much, but I guess I should start. 

“This is amazing Mac, thanks so much.”

I shrugged and moved back to my side of the booth, “He’s a lot like you, isn’t he?”

Justin nodded his head and closed his eyes. This has always been hard for him. I was a little apprehensive about sending Justin videos of Chris because I thought it would be too much. I never know how he’ll react.

“But anyway…”

“Yeah, anyway,” he took a sip of his soda and cleared his throat, “Let’s come up with a plan, huh? That’s what we’re here for. Tell me what happened.”

“OK, yeah. He got your card and just kind of looked at the envelope before opening it. Then he started asking questions.”

“Like what?”

I took a deep breath, trying to figure out what I should sugarcoat and what I should tell him. I’ve always felt the need to protect Justin, probably because I saw him at his lowest points and that really scared me. I’m always afraid something I tell him about Chris will bring him back to that point. “Just… you know, he wanted to know about you. What you do, how we met…”

“Why I’m not around?”

I shrugged, not willing to answer that one, “I told him some things, obviously I didn’t go into detail. I guess I’m not sure how to give him reasons without going into the, ya know, technical reasons. He’s looking for specific answers, he’s not happy with the general ones.”

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot. For a while, I mean for thirteen years really, but—. I just want to— how would you feel if—“he paused and closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, “I want to be part of his life, Mac. I want to know him. I want him to know me. I want take him golfing, does he know how to golf?”

“No,” I couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Then I’ll teach him, I want to teach him. I want to take him camping and fishing.”

My eyes watered as he mentioned camping, “Chris just told me he wanted to go camping.”

“I’ll take him! I want to take him.”

My heart stopped, that is literally the last thing I thought he would say. We’ve been through this plenty of times and it’s always so hard, but we always come to the same conclusion. It’s not possible.  I took a deep breath to bring myself back to reality, “But Justin, it’s not—“

“I am at a point in my career that I have more control than I’ve ever had before. I don’t really give a fuck about—” he paused to bite his bottom lip, “It’s up to you, of course. It’s up to Chris. If he doesn’t want this I’ll wait until he does. I just— it’s been long enough, Mac. I’m so sick of having this hole in my life and if he’s asking about me I think it’s time. ”

“Justin, believe me there is nothing I want more than for Chris to know his father, but we—“

“None of that shit matters anymore.”

I leaned back in the booth, trying to catch my breath.

“What do you say?” Justin offered a smile. 

“I just can’t even begin to… Justin, are you serious?”

“I’m very serious.”

“OK,” I took a deep breath and tried to stop my heart from beating like a drum, “I’ll talk it over with Chris. I don’t know if he’ll be ready right now,  this might be too much to thrown at him at once.”

“I’ll be here whenever he decides he wants to see me.”

I felt a smile come to my face, “Is this really happening?”

“It’s really happening, Mac,” he couldn’t wipe his own smile off his face if he tried.

“I just want to make it clear that if this is happening it means it’s one hundred percent happening. Like, from now until forever. You can’t join his life and then disappear for any reason. I can’t put him through that. Chris is my first priority.”

“I know Mac, he’s my first priority, too.”

“I know.” I can’t believe this is happening.

My phone rang, displaying the name Chris across the screen. Justin pushed it across the table to me and I answered softly, “Hey buddy, what’s up?”

“Where are you? I thought you were off today.”

“I am I’m just out running some errands,” I looked over at Justin, watching me intently, “What’s going on?”

“Can I go for a bike ride with Landon? Please? We won’t be long, just an hour tops.”

“Did you do your homework?” he didn’t respond, “Chris, you need to do your homework.”

“I don’t have any. OK, fine I have some but it’s easy. It won’t take me long, I swear.”

I laughed at his inability to lie to me, I love that about him, “Alright look, I’m going to be home in about a half an hour so you need to be home by then. Sitting at the kitchen table doing your homework. Got it?”

“Yup. Got it.”

“OK, I’ll see you soon. I love you.  Be careful. Wear your helmet!”

“I always wear my helmet! BYE!”

I placed the phone on the table and smiled at Justin, who was still watching me carefully, “Bike ride.”

He nodded his head, “You gotta get going?”

“Yeah,” I answered softly, not ready to go quite yet.

Justin nodded his head and we both sat there for a few seconds. He smiled and stood up, “Let’s go, I’ll walk you out. Come to my car, I have something for you.”

“Are you going to be here for awhile?”

“In LA? Yeah. I’m done with the tour. Actually, my contract is up at my label so I’m taking a break.” he held the door open for me and grabbed my arm, “This way.”

“This way,” I repeated as he led me to his car, “You’re taking a break?” I asked out of disbelief. It’s hard to picture Justin not working, he gets antsy after a few weeks off.  

He nodded his head, “Yeah, trying to figure out what I want to do next. I got you a present.”

“Oooh a present!”

He chuckled as reached into the front seat and opened a cooler.

I squealed as he handed me the orange and white stripped box I’d recognize anywhere, “Are you serious?”

“Completely serious,” he chuckled, “I knew you’d be excited, but this is an even better reaction than I expected.”

“Of course, are you kidding?” I couldn’t help myself from opening the box to find the beautiful, strawberry cheesecake, “Justin!”

“It’s just a cheesecake,” he answered calmly.

“Justin! You don’t understand. I haven’t had this cheesecake since I was in New York with you, like fourteen years ago,  and I dream about it. I literally have dreams about it.”

“That’s kind of sad, Mac.”

“It is sad!” I laughed as I closed the box, “It’s the best cheesecake in the world and it’s on the other side of the country,” I pouted.

“Well now it’s right here,” Justin smiled, “Does Chris like cheesecake?”

“Are you kidding? He loves it. You’re going to change his life with this one though.”

“Good,” he chuckled.

I tried to calm myself down, “Thanks Justin, it’s really sweet of you to remember my Junior’s obsession.”

“How could I forget that?” he smiled again and pulled me into a hug, “Good to see you, kid. Call me once you and Chris decide. I’ll be here waiting patiently.”

“Maybe go home? Don’t wait right here,” I smiled as we pulled apart.

“Good idea Mac, I’ll do that,” he answered sarcastically, “See you soon?”

“See you soon.”

“Alright,” he placed his hands on my shoulders and nodded his head once, “Bye Mackenzie. Enjoy your cheesecake.”