July 2000

The rain pounding on the roof of my studio made everything worse, as if that were even possible. I couldn’t think of one good thing in life at that moment. Everything was ending, my life was over, and the fact that I had run across campus in the pouring rain to get home was just the tip of the iceberg. 

The sink was lined with pregnancy tests and I was sitting on the cold tile floor of my bathroom hugging my legs. Kelly sat on the edge of the tub, trying desperate to put those two semesters of psychology classes to good use. 

She looked down at me, searching for the words to say, “I think you need to remember that everything happens for a reason. It’s going to be ok, whatever happens.”

I couldn't even look at her, she’s so full of shit. There is a very strong possibility everything is not going to be ok. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be able to think of one thing that is even slightly ok.

The timer went off and Kelly moved to get up, but sat back down when she noticed I wasn’t moving. I took a deep breath, “Can you just look?”

“I think you should look,” she answered softly. 

“I can’t move,” I answered, throwing my head back to my knees, “Just tell me.”

~~~~~

A few days later, I nervously waited by my computer for my weekly Skype date with Justin. We hadn’t talked in a while which was out of the ordinary for us, but I managed to avoid his calls for the past few days. I was really really good at avoiding things, but this one thing I was trying to avoid was probably the one thing in the world even I couldn’t avoid. I am pregnant. It’s happening. 

My computer beeped and I took a deep breath to calm myself before clicking the accept button. Justin’s blurry face quickly covered the screen and for a second I forgot about about all my problems.

“Well hey,” he smiled, “I’ve been calling you. I was getting worried.”

“Sorry, it’s been a hectic week. How are you? How’s everything?” I forced a smile as I was brought back to reality and tried my hardest to act even the slightest bit normal. 

“Good. Everything’s good. God, I miss you like crazy.”

“I miss you, too.”

He smiled, “It’s so cool to see you. Technology is awesome, huh? You’re so beautiful. And smart and shit, but fucking gorgeous.”

I laughed, “You’re in a good mood tonight.”

“Of course I am, I get to see you!”

I couldn’t speak in response, so I smiled shyly and tried to calm myself down as Justin told me all about how wonderful his life was. Meanwhile, I’m supposed to just tell him I’m pregnant and ruin his life completely? How can I even tell him over the computer? I have to. What’s my other option? Waiting until I see him in three months? I’ll be half a beach ball by then!

“What’s wrong?” I’m not sure how long he was talking before he realized how phased out I was. 

“Nothing. I just…” I paused as his face froze on the screen, “Are you there?” Nothing. “Hello? Can you hear me?” I took a deep breath and quickly shut my laptop. Why is nothing working? Not one fucking thing in my life right now is working. 

I tried to calm myself down when I realized the tears falling from my eyes. After taking a deep breath I opened my laptop again and tried to redial him.  The more I redialed the more I was reminded of my mood and more importantly the more I freaked out remembering what I needed to tell him. 

I didn’t even try to hold it in any more. I closed my laptop again and fell on my bed, burying my head in a pillow. These past few days have been the worst of my life, I don’t know how to handle any of it. It’s like I’m trapped in a nightmare.  I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I’m nineteen years old! I have my whole life ahead of me! How could I be so stupid?

My cell phone rang and I wiped my eyes quickly, as if he could see me crying through the phone. “I guess that’s not working,” Justin chuckled as I answered. 

“Of course it’s not working, it never works when we need it to work. I mean, it’s fucking 2000 and we have all this technology that’s supposed to be groundbreaking and I can’t even talk to my boyfriend on the other side of the country.”

I kind of bursted there, and Justin wasn’t sure how to react. I haven’t really exploded like that with him before.  After a few seconds of silence he spoke softly, “Yeah I know, it sucks but—“

“I’m just so sick of it. It’s like, we can just keep pretending that we have this weekly thing that we can see each other and talk and like see reactions but every week it fucks up and we’re stuck on the stupid phone again.” Justin was once again silent, and I took a deep breath to try to get it together, “I just want to see you,” I finished softly. 

“When are your finals?”

Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t even listen to me. “They start Monday.”

“You’re stressed and everything sucks right now, but it’s going to be ok. We’re almost at the half way point.”

“The half way point? In six months I’ll be—” I stopped before I slipped. In six months I’ll be practically giving birth. 

“I know,” he answered too calmly. He doesn’t know, he has no idea how different his life will be in six months.  “When is your last final?”

“Friday.”

“Alright. We’ll be in Austin Saturday. Let me fly you out for a couple days. Things will be hectic, our schedule is pretty chock full, but it’ll be worth it. I need to see you.”

I swear it stopped raining. The thought of being able to see Justin, in person, made the sun shine through the clouds. “I’ve never been to Austin before,” I answered softly. 

“Then it’s settled,” he chuckled, “Good. Now I have something to look forward to. I can’t wait to see you. It’s been like, a month and a half, huh? That’s too long.”

~~~~~

That Saturday morning I landed in Austin, Texas. I couldn’t wait to see Justin but also absolutely terrified because I knew about the conversation we had to have at some point over the weekend.

As I walked through the airport I found Justin’s security guard Kev, wearing a pair of sunglasses and holding a piece of paper with my name on it. 

“Hi,” I smiled as I made my way over to him. 

He looked at me as if he had never seen me before, then looked down at the paper in his hand, “Mackenzie?”

“Yeah, hi.”

Kev nodded his head and walked towards the exit. I followed, not exactly sure what else to do. The people on this tour are so strange, or at least they are to me. Maybe it’s just me. In fact, it probably is just me.

It didn’t matter, as soon as we walked out of the airport I saw Justin leaning against a black SUV wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap, and a sexy smile. 

I ran over to him and he lifted me into the air, “Hey you. It’s so good to see you.”

“Oh my god, it’s Michael. From Kentucky.”

Justin threw his head down and laughed, “in the flesh.”

“I missed you so much!”

“You’re here now!” he kissed me gently, “I missed you too, obviously.”

“Alright you two, let’s go,” Kev said as he tossed my suitcase in the trunk and opened the back door for us, “What part of don’t get out of the car don’t you understand, J?”

“The don’t part. I’m not good with that,” he smiled. 

“Don’t I know it,” Kev answered under his breath. 

“How was your flight? Everything ok?”

“Yeah, good. Good. I’m so excited to see you!” I rested my head on his shoulder. 

“Me too,” he leaned down to kiss the top of my head.

I felt all my problems melt away just by sitting next to Justin. I forgot about all the other stuff, like the big thing I needed to tell him, and figured I could just put that off and enjoy his company first. I’ll worry about that later.

“Are you listening?” Kev turned around from the front seat and stared me down. I nervously sat up, finally coming back down to earth. 

“Yeah man, we’re listening. Relax,” Justin answered calmly. 

“Alright, we’re going to pull up to the hotel, and J you’re going to get out with me. The girl is going to stay in the car with Frank. He’ll drive her around and then come back and let her off at the other side of the hotel.”

“What?” Justin asked out of disbelief, “Why? That doesn’t make sense?”

“It makes sense Justin. I’m doing what I’m told to do. You come with me and the girl will stay in the car.”

“Her name is Mac,” Justin got more upset the more Kev spoke  “Why are you saying the girl? She’s right here.” 

Kev took a noticeable breath before continuing slowly, “Mac will stay in the car with Frank. There are a bunch of kids outside the hotel, as you know. So you will come in with me and the girl—Mac, will come in after we are inside.”

I looked up at Justin, finally understanding what was being said. They don’t want the kids outside to see me going into the hotel with Justin. They don’t want his image as this big heartthrob ruined because I’m here. 

“No,” Justin said as he turned to me, “I’m not making her walk in by herself, that’s stupid.”

Kev let out a sigh, his patience quickly fading, “Justin, don’t make this a big deal. We’re doing what Johnny told us to do. That’s it. The end. Just go in the hotel first.”

Now it was Justin’s turn to let out a sigh. His patience has been gone for awhile ago. “No, call Johnny and tell him we’re walking in together if it’s that big of a deal. We can walk through a fucking hallway. I won’t hold her hand for gods sake.”

Kev rolled his eyes, not even trying to hide it from us, and made a phone call. Justin wrapped his arm around me and tried to relax but he was far too gone by that point. 

“I’ll walk into the hotel with Frank, it’s not a big deal.”

“It is a big deal,” he answered, tapping his fingers nervously on his knee, “you can walk into a building with me.”

“Of course I can. But maybe we should just like… pick our battles. You’re kind of a big deal, ya’know?” I smiled. 

Justin took a deep breath before giving me a slight smile, “I love you, you know that, right?”

“Oh, I know.”

He chuckled and pulled my hand to his lips, “Alright, fine. I’ll go in first, but carry her damn bag Frank.”

~~~~~

On my last morning in Austin, I sat at the foot of the bed as Justin threw the last of his clothes into his suitcase. I can’t believe I’ve avoided telling him what I need to tell him this whole trip.  I’m leaving for the airport in a few minutes and I’ve managed to stay away from the conversation the whole trip. 

“Are you ready?” 

I nodded my head, unable to look away from the floor. I knew I had to tell him, but the words just weren’t coming out. 

“Cheer up,” he sat down next to me and kissed my forehead, “Just a couple more months. I have two weeks off in November and we’ll be in Vegas in January so you can come down for the weekend. We’ll be heading back to the west coast soon and you can easily make a trip out for the weekend or if you have a day off class. And I can fly home even if it’s only for a day.”

I smiled, not sure how I got so lucky with him, and now I’m about to ruin his whole life. I grabbed onto his hand, “We need to talk, Justin.”

“No.” he answered quickly, “No. You do this every time Mac, not again. I’ll be home in six weeks. Your classes will be almost over by then and —“

“Justin, stop. I’m not—“ I took a deep breath and forced myself to look at him. I felt my heart beating in my throat and sweat pouring from my forehead. The longer I waited the worse I felt, “I’m not breaking up with you. It’s just that I… I don’t know how to do this. God, I don’t know how to do this,  so I’m just going to… I just, um, I think I’m…Justin, I’m pregnant.”

His first reaction was excitement. For a brief moment, I swear a big smile took over his face as if this was actually good news. 

But then, as quickly as the smile appeared it disappeared. He wiped his palms on his jeans, nervously cleared his throat, and rubbed his temples. He looked at me, then turned away and started pacing around the room.

He cleared his throat again, after a few attempts of speaking before he managed to get something out “What do you— how do you—?”

I threw my hands up, as tears fell down my face, “I don’t…”

“When?”

“New York, I guess.”

“Are you…” 

A banging on the door interrupted Justin as he spoke, “Let’s go, time to go!” someone yelled through the door. 

Justin swallowed hard,  staring into space, “Give me a minute!” he called out. He wiped the sweat off his forehead and continued pacing around the room, “how do you— I mean, you’re sure?” I nodded my head, “How sure?”

“Pretty sure.”

“Only pretty sure, I mean there’s a chance…”

“Positive. I’m positive, I went to the doctor.”

He sat back down on the bed and threw his head back, “Oh fuck.”

More banging, “Justin. Now, let’s go!”

“Give me a fucking minute!!!” Justin yelled louder than I’ve ever heard him yell.  He took a deep breath to calm himself before speaking to me softly, “Why are you telling me this right now? You’ve been here all weekend and you don’t say anything and now you’re getting on a plane in an hour and I’m getting on a bus in a minute and you think that’s ok?”

I felt my heart breaking all over again, “I know, I’m sorry I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Fuck Mac,” he stood up, pacing around the room again as the banging at the door continued, “You can’t go, we need to talk about this. I’m not, we’re not just going to— You need to come with me on the bus.”

“I can’t miss my flight.”

“You’re going to have to miss your flight. We’ve got a three hour bus ride, you can leave from Dallas tomorrow.”

“I have class, I can’t—”

“Look at me,” he answered strongly, putting his face right in front of mine, “You are not telling me you’re pregnant and leaving. You are coming with me on that bus and we’ll get you a flight from Dallas. You can miss the first day of class, nobody does shit on the first day anyway.” He wiped the tears from my eyes before shouting to the banging, “I’m coming, chill!”

As much as I wanted to get on that plane and run away from it all I knew I had to go with him that bus. And to be honest, I’ve never seen him act like that before before. “What do you want me to do?” I asked softly as I stood up and grabbed a tissue, trying to fix my tear stained face in the mirror. 

“Just, I don’t know, just come with me. Don’t worry, ok? We’re going to figure it out.” he stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me, holding onto me tightly.

I nodded my head and put my backpack on. Justin grabbed my suitcase and his own and I followed closely as he walked out of the room. 

“About time dude, the busses are outside waiting,” a different bodyguard said as he grabbed one of the suitcases and turned to me, “Can we get you a cab, sweetie?”

“She’s coming on the bus, she’ll leave from Dallas.” Justin answered confidently.

“I don’t think that’s going to fly, man.”

Justin just shrugged as a response. For their sake, I hope they don’t try to tell him I can’t come. I don’t know what he’ll do. As we stepped out of the elevator, Justin’s manager stood by the door. I waited as Justin told me to, and he went to talk to them before calling me over and grabbing onto my hand. 

“It’s just that there’s kids out there, tons of them,” Justin’s manager said as he looked out the window, “So Mac, sweetie, why don’t you head out the back exit? Frank will go with you, head up North Street here and we’ll stop the bus in a couple blocks and you can jump on there.”

Sometimes, when it’s just Justin and I, I think I’m in a normal relationship. But when we’re forced to interact with other people, especially managers, it’s like I’m dating an alien. God forbid his fans known he has a girlfriend. What’s going to happen when they find out I’m pregnant with his child?

“No,” Justin answered simply and wrapped his arm around my waist, “For fucks sake,” he said as he quickly walked with me outside, past the screaming fans, and onto the bus.