I know your hopes and dreams they will collide,
Take all your things you'll go and run and hide,
Do you remember how it felt when we were young,
Do you remember how it felt when we were young.

Today we have the chance to feel again,
To hear the sounds that brought us in,
To laugh, to cry, to live again

JC

Fifteen years.

I still can’t believe it’s been that long that we’ve been coming to this beach house on this tiny little island off Florida’s southwest coast. I don’t feel fifteen years older, except this morning when my twelve-year-old daughter told me she saw more grey in my hair than black.

I look over at my wife, who’s getting her carry-on off the back seat of the Cherokee. She’s in a daze, I can tell.

“What?” She looks up at me and I just shrug.

“Just can’t believe we’re back is all.” And that’s the truth. Five years has come and gone so fast.

“Yeah. I know.” Kate bites her lower lip and slings her purse over her shoulder. “Can you get the suitcases?”

“You brought more than one?” I can’t help but tease her a little. My wife has always over packed. We’re coming for the weekend. She’s packed for a week and a half.

“Shut up.” Kate sashays in front of me with a cute little pop of her hip. We may be in our mid-thirties, but when she does that I still feel like that twenty-one-year-old that first fell in love with her in Music Theory class.

I pop the trunk open and grab the two suitcases and a bag of groceries we’d gotten for the weekend.

Fifteen years ago Kate and I, along with some friends of ours, had planned on coming to this very house to celebrate our graduation from college. It had been talked about for the whole last semester. We were able to get the house through a friend who knew a friend of a friend or something like that. I don’t even remember now. All I remember is that we were excited to finally get away together.

And then Lance killed himself.

“Lance killed himself.”

I looked at Chris as if he were playing another one of his stupid jokes.

“Shut up, man-“

Chris shook his head and I’d never seen the look that was on his face. He was always jovial, always the smart ass, making everyone laugh. He wasn’t laughing and for the first time, I saw a tear roll down his cheek.

“They found him in his room. He hung himself.”

We’d been standing on the quad at our university. I was waiting for Kate to come out of her last class when Chris had approached me to give me the news.

“You’re serious.” It was a statement, not a question and Chris nodded once again. “Have you seen any of the other guys?”

“Not yet. I don’t even know how to tell Joey.”

At that moment, Kate walked up to us.

“Josh?”

“Josh? Are you coming in?”

I snap back to reality and look up at Kate, who was opening the door to the house.

She smiles at me as I walk towards her and we both step inside. It still smells like it always does. Like cedar wood with a little bit of ocean and sea salt mixed in it. The kitchen has been updated since we’ve been gone and is now completely open into the living room. There are windows circling all the way around the first floor so that no matter where you’re standing, you get a panoramic view of the ocean.

“If we weren’t here commemorating Lance….” Kate sighs and shakes her head. “I know I’d feel better about being here. It’s beautiful.”

“Yeah.” I agree softly and put the bag of groceries on the granite top counter in the kitchen.

Kate takes in her surroundings and looks forlorn. She and Lance had done a few theatrical productions through our university’s theatre program. They’d played opposite each other in Guys and Dolls and I knew that before she’d met me, Lance had been one of her best friends in the department. It always seemed to hit her the hardest.

Her phone rings and she’s shaken out of the short daydream she’d seemed to be caught in. Looking down at her cell, she smiles and looks up at me.

“It’s Ellie.” Ellie is our oldest daughter. She’s fourteen and unfortunately for me, her father, quite independent. I know she’s a teenager and I know that I was probably worse than she is at this age, but as a dad….well, it’s just this sense of foreboding I get when I think of the fact that she’s going into high school this year.

“Hi, honey. Yes, we just got here. What? As long as it’s fine with Nana it’s fine with us.” She turns to face me and I raise my eyebrow at whatever it is that Ellie wants to do.

“What’s fine with us?” I whisper loudly, walking to the other side of the kitchen counter.

Kate holds up a hand and shakes her head, turning away from me. “What did you say, babe? Oh, sure. Just tell Maggie to tell Nana to use the number on the frig.” Maggie is our twelve-year-old and as long as she keeps being less independent, the better off everything else will be.

“What’s fine with us?” I repeat, a little louder and with more urgency in my voice.

Kate sighs irritably and shoots me a glare, then shakes her head and goes back to her conversation with Ellie. “Ok, honey. We will. Love you, too. Be careful, El. Bye.” Kate looks back at me as soon as she hangs up. “You are ridiculous sometimes.”

“Why? Because I’m a worried father? Do you remember the stories I told you of when I was in high school?” I’m face to face with my wife now and she’s staring back at me with a seemingly bored expression.

“Yes, Josh. You remind me every time Ellie walks out the door. She’s not a bad kid. And just because you had sex with everything that walked back then doesn’t mean she’s going to do the same thing!” Kate goes to turn away from me, but I grab her shoulder and she’s forced to look at me.

“I didn’t have sex with everything that walked.” I defend myself and can’t help but chuckle at her statement. “I had sex twice when I was fourteen and then didn’t do it again til I was seventeen.”

Kate just shakes her head and chuckles under her breath. “Well, maybe she’ll take after her goody-two-shoes mom who saved herself until college.”

“Lies.” I back her against the counter and she looks up at me, biting her lip. “When I met you, you told me you had sex your senior year of high school. At homecoming. In the back of your car.” My arms are finding their way around her waist.

“It was prom. And it was in the back of his truck. I grew up in Georgia, remember?” Kate pushes herself up on the counter and gives me a look that lets me know she wants me. Right here and right now.

“They could walk in any minute.” I tug at the waistline of her jeans and her hands rest on either side of my arms.

“Liv texted me a while ago. They were stuck in traffic in St. Pete.” She watches the haste in my fingers as they play with my zipper and soon my jeans lie in a puddle around my feet.

Kate and I have never been shy about anything sexual with one another. Our first time was in the top bunk of a bed she shared with a roommate her sophomore year. And the roommate was in the bunk underneath and we’re pretty sure she heard everything because the next day she requested a move. Yeah, we were “that couple.”

Kate leans back on her elbows and I shift so that I can easily move on top of her.

“Ow!” She yelps and I look down to see she’s lost balance on her elbows and is sprawled awkwardly beneath me.

“Maybe we should just go upstairs.” I haven’t had a chance to do much yet, but I’m definitely ready and the only thing guarding us is Kate’s jeans, which are still halfway down her legs.

“No. I’m fine.” Kate grimaces and pulls herself up once more. She looks at me with complete desire in her eyes and one that always reminds me of when we first started sleeping together.

I kiss her neck, her cheek, her lips and she’s bucking against me, ready for me to take control of her. It’s going to be a quickie, but for some reason it’s all either of us want right now, I can tell.

“Wait!” Kate suddenly stops just as I’m about to remove her underwear.

“What?” I look down at her and she grunts and moves a little.

“I didn’t take the pill today.”

“The condoms are packed in one of the suitcases.” I sigh and soon the mood is over.

“If you’d just go get the damn surgery, I wouldn’t have to stay on the pill!” She snaps and I move off of her, pulling up my jeans.

“You can have surgery, too, baby.” I’m quick to remind her.

“I birthed two children. It’s the least you can do.” Kate hops off the counter and quickly pulls herself together. “Come on. Let’s go unpack.”

“Hey.” I call to her as she starts towards the stairs. “What was it that Ellie wanted?”

“She wanted to see if it was okay if she could use some of the spending money we gave her to treat a friend to a movie.” Kate answers and without waiting for me to respond she says, “And it’s a girl not a guy so don’t get all bent out of shape.” 

Liv

The car ride has been silent for most of the drive since we left Macon this morning and that was five hours ago. Every time we make the drive down to Siesta Key, we have to stop because of how long it takes from Nashville. Most couples might enjoy a road trip away from their kids. For Chris and me, it just makes the truth more obvious about how distant we’ve gotten from each other.

“Fifteen minutes. Thank god.” Chris sighs under his breath and looks ahead at the exit off the interstate. I’ve been staring out the window for the last two hours wondering how in the hell we’re going to convince our friends that we’re okay.

I’ve wanted to tell Kate and Koren. Every time we’re on a group text together it seems like it should be easy enough to do. But ultimately one of them has news about one of their kids or Koren’s sold a prime piece of real estate to somebody famous and by the time we’ve covered everything, it’s time for someone to either get ready for bed or get one of their kids in bed.

It’s hard to be married to someone who is more or less never serious about anything. In college it was cute and endearing when Chris would do something absurd like dye the fountain pink in the middle of campus or stack mattresses under his dorm window and use them as a landing pad when he jumped from it.

But when you’ve been married to a child for nearly twelve years, it gets old.

We met in college in the same Algebra class that everyone’s required to take. Chris had taken a few years off after high school and so we were both freshmen when we met, even though I was 18 and he was 25. We hit it off almost immediately, even though my friends were skeptical about me dating an older guy. But it was through this “old guy” that I came to know Lance, who was Chris’ roommate, and it was through Lance that I met Kate and Koren and our whole friendship clique kind of developed from there.

It still takes my breath away that Lance has been gone for so long. It doesn’t seem possible that he wasn’t even at our wedding or that our kids don’t know the one person we’re all gathering together to celebrate this weekend.

I lean against the window and ignore my husband, whose griping under his breath about traffic in Florida.

“We’re never going to get there!”

“I’ll text Kate and tell her we’re in traffic again.” I pull out my phone and smile at the picture that I’m using as my wallpaper. It was taken on a random night that we’d all hung out at a bar by campus, not long before Lance died.

“Sorry we’re late.” I apologized and dragged Chris behind me by his arm. Everyone was sitting at our usual spot in the back by the dartboard. JC and Kate were sitting across from Joey and Koren. Justin was trying his hand at darts and Lance was just returning from the bar with a pitcher of beer.

“Dinner ran over with my mom.” I sat down next to Koren and looked over at Kate, who was absently circling her water glass with her finger and looking off into space.

“Hey.” I kicked her gently under the table. “You okay?”

Kate just looked at me and I could tell the smile she gave was forced.

“What’s her deal?” I whispered to Koren.

“She’s been acting off all night.” Koren replied and took the pitcher from Lance, who was handing it off to her. “Thanks for getting it for us.”

“No problem.” Lance nodded at her and plopped down next to JC. “Hey Justin, beer’s here.”

Justin glanced over at us and went back to his darts.

“Where’s the chick he was with last weekend?” Chris asked, as Koren began to pour everyone beer.

“He slept with her. So, you know, it’s done.” JC answered and looked over at Kate, who was declining a drink. “You don’t want beer?”

“Now I know something’s up. Are you sick?” I asked her and Kate just nodded but I knew it had to be something more.

“I haven’t felt well today. That’s all. And Dr. Carney wanted me to sit in on auditions for next year’s play and it just made me sad because I won’t be here to be in it next year.” Kate was usually not so glum and could always put a positive spin on anything. Like the week before she’d been ecstatic about sitting in on auditions and had said it would help her if she ever decided to go into teaching theatre instead of performing.

“But honey you told me yourself that anything by Edward Albee is stupid and you were glad you weren’t going to have to audition for it.” JC reminded her and leaned over to peck her cheek.

“Plus you know nobody can beat your performance in Streetcar Named Desire!” Joey put in, trying to make her feel better. “We can’t be in college forever.”

“Thank god.” Chris muttered and gulped down his beer. “Some of us have been going at it for ages.”

“No, you just started late and you’re old so it feels like ages.” Joey teased him and Chris reached over my head to flick the side of his ear. “Ow!”

At that moment Everclear’s Father of Mine began to blast over the speakers and Koren and I squealed and began singing along.

“I heard they’re coming to Atlanta.” Lance said over the song. “Are you guys gonna go see them?”

“Hell to the yes we are.” Koren was moving in her seat to the beat of the song. “Kate, you should go!”

Kate shook her head and smiled at both of us. “You guys know that’s not really my style.”

At that moment, Justin put the darts away and came down to sit with us. He looked at Lance, who was offering him a free seat next to him, but declined and squeezed in next to Chris.

“Pass the beer.” He called down to Joey, who was now trying to make room for himself at the end of the booth.

Joey dramatically lifted his arm as though it had been stuck for years between the booth and the wall, lifted the beer pitcher with exaggerated effort, and reached across Koren, Chris, and me to put it in front of Justin.

“Oh hey, guys, we need to get in the final payment for the house.” Koren spoke up and leaned into Joey. “We’ll lose it if we don’t. I think Chris and Justin are the only two who haven’t put in. And Justin, did you decide whether or not you’re going to take someone with you?”

Justin looked down the booth at Koren and shrugged. “Probably not,” he said. Justin usually was the odd man out. Once or twice he had a girlfriend but it wasn’t normally a long relationship, if you could even call it that.

“I’m so ready for the beach!” JC squeezed Kate’s shoulder. “Just think baby. Me, you, no more school. And Sex on the Beach.”

“Oh god.” I rolled my eyes. “You two are like little nymphos.”

“I meant the drink!” JC tried to defend his statement but nobody at the table believed him. I looked over at Kate to laugh with her but once again, she had a far off look in her eyes and wasn’t paying attention.

“Kate, I have to go to the bathroom. Come with me, please.” I didn’t care if I wasn’t being subtle or not. I looked over at Koren. “And I think you should come, too.”

We heard the guys muttering about how women always had to go to the bathroom together as we made our way across the bar and into the ladies room. There was only one stall but thankfully it wasn’t in use.

“Spill it sister.” I didn’t give Kate a chance to speak.

Kate opened her mouth but nothing came out, just a breath of air. She finally looked at Koren and me in the mirror.

“I’m pregnant.”

“Holy shit.” It was the only thing I could say.

Chris looked over at me. “What?”

“Huh?” I snap back to present day and look over at him.

“You were mumbling something.” He looks ahead at the beach house that is now approaching us. “And we’re here.”