“Cue all the love to leave my heart, it’s time for me to fall apart.

Sometimes before it gets better the darkness gets bigger.

The person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger.

We’re fading fast, I miss missing you now and then.” –Miss Missing You

JC had taken a long and much needed drive. He’d found himself watching the sunset in his car, parked in front of Venice Beach. Living in overpopulated California had it’s perks.

He wasn’t sure that he could go back to his house. He didn’t want to see Justin again even if he was confused and suffering from his accident it just wasn’t JC’s cross to bare anymore. He just wanted to get back to his normal pathetic life, and wanted every trace of Justin out of his life again.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, JC then decided he would just call the doctor and Jess and tell them things just weren’t working out anymore. Justin could continue his recovery somewhere else.

Turning the key in the ignition, he carefully backed out of the parking spot and began his journey home. He was glad he had cleared his mind. He was glad to have gotten away from Justin.

Justin had discovered many things in JC’s absence. He’d turned the light on downstairs in the basement and noted that the story of the piano and studio were a lie. The more he explored and dug, the more he was beginning to become aware of the fact that maybe he was just fucking crazy and delusional. He couldn’t explain the blackouts, nor did he know what happened when they occurred. He just knew that it was obvious something really bad had happened between he and JC.

He was sitting in a stool in front of the island, his fingers moving over the smooth surface as he eye’d the bag of chips he’d taken out to snack on. The front door opened, and Justin sat up as best he could. He watched as JC avoided eye contact with him.

“Why did you lie about the piano?” He dared to ask, causing JC to freeze in his steps.

“It was better than telling the truth.” JC confessed.

“What is the truth?” Justin asked, he wasn’t sure he really wanted to know, but at the same time he wanted to stop feeling like a crazy person.

“The truth is, this is a lie. You are a lie you’re not real. You’re just a fucking ghost from the past come back to haunt me and make my life miserable.” JC mumbled, going into the kitchen and swinging the door to the fridge open.

Justin gave him a confused look and turned in his seat. “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.” Justin apologized, holding onto his crutch he managed to pull himself up again. “I want to make it right. Just tell me what I did so I can fix it.” He encouraged, watching all the muscles in JC’s body tense up. Without warning JC grabbed the orange juice out of the fridge and angrily hurled it across the room. He then knocked things off the counter and kicked the stool Justin had been sitting on. He was breathing heavily as the adrendeline pumped through his body.

“You can give me my fucking life back.” He requested.

Justin glared at him a moment. “Just fucking tell me what I did.” He demanded.

Without warning JC gripped him by the throat and shoved him against the fridge. He squeezed with no regret and hit Justin’s head off the metal door twice. “You loved me but only when it benefited you.” He talked against his ear. “I want you to pay for what you took from me.” JC insisted as he watched Justin’s face become panicked the more JC tightened his grip around his neck. He began gasping for air while nodding his head and it was only then that JC let go of him.

In an instant like a simple flick of a wrist the transition happened. Before JC could even react to it, Justin had grabbed a handful of his hair and vengefully slammed JC’s head against the fridge, causing the older man to yelp out in pain and shock.

He felt dizzy instantly and saw a bright white light.

“I loved you with every part of me. You were mine and you still are.” Justin confessed, wasting no time at all he shoved JC down against the counter top. His body pressed against him and he shamelessly rubbed up on him.

JC felt his breathing hitch in his throat, and for a moment he even felt excited by Justin’s words. “I’m not yours anymore Justin…” JC made a face as he felt Justin use his knee to spread his legs apart.

“You are…and you know it. Just like I am still yours.” He stated, gripping JC’s waist he removed their jeans and JC planted his palms firmly on the counter top. He struggled a bit and then managed to turn his body around so that he was now facing Justin. His eyes were lust filled, and for the first time in years JC saw the spark that had long been absent for six or seven years.

“I want to see you..” He admitted quietly.

Justin wasn’t going to argue, he wasted no time pushing himself inside JC. He filled him up in a way that he hadn’t been filled in a long time. It was bittersweet.

He held onto his hips as he set a pace and thrust into him over and over. Their noses touched and JC shut his eyes as he gripped the back of Justin’s shirt. There was nothing but pure silence and the sound of their breathing as they continued.

---------------------------FLASHBACK 4 YEARS EARLIER----------------------------

JC was sick of all the tabloid magazines that filled the shelves. He hated how they all pegged Justin as a Casanova and man whore. He was dancing up on different women every week. At first JC could ignore it, he would laugh and brush it off, but as time went on he came to realize the thick skin he thought he possessed wasn’t so thick in the first place.

He looked at the pile of Enquire, Star and US Weekly magazines that sat on the coffee table. He picked them up and then began carelessly tossing them into the fireplace one by one.

“What are you doing?” Justin questioned as he walked into the room. He was wearing black sweats and a white t-shirt, the same black rimmed glasses sat on his face, and his hair was a mess of curls that were due for a trim. He was older, but still a wonder to look at.

JC on the other had had shamefully put on a few pounds, and he even noticed the subtle gray hairs were slightly multiplying. He didn’t feel so sexy and youthful anymore. He felt pathetic and just not even attractive. He didn’t blame Justin for being out there with beautiful people.

“Are you fucking any of these girls?” JC questioned, holding one of the magazines up to Justin’s face. He took it from him and eyed the picture of him and Jessica Biel hugging in a night club.

“No I’m not fucking any of them.” He stated and tossed the magazine into the fire as well. “What is with you lately? You want to go out? We can grab a bite to eat and catch a late movie.” Justin suggested, trying to persuade JC to drop the whole women thing. It was no secret that Justin had always batted for both teams. He enjoyed the company of both men and women, it was just that nobody else was the wiser. As far as the world was concerned he was as straight as an arrow. JC would love to argue that and be the one to reveal that Justin didn’t mind being on his knees taking in every inch of JC.

“Yeah I’d like that. Let me just change my clothes.” He headed for their bedroom and tried to collect himself. He had been paranoid, and the fact that Justin’s album kept getting pushed back for a release date was causing them both to be on edge.

JC milled around his room looking for something to wear. Embarrassingly enough it had been awhile since he’d done laundry. He picked up a pair of jeans and eyed them a moment before realizing they were Justin’s. Sighing he dug through the pockets so he could add it to the accumulating pile of laundry. His stopped when he felt the smoothness of Justin’s wedding band. Frowning a bit JC admired it and then dug into the second pocket.

To his surprise it was a black plastic wrapper and it was unopened. JC wanted to be infuriated but at the same time the condom wasn’t opened, but that fact that it was still there was enough to put him on edge. Shaking his head some JC decided it was time to get the answers to his own questions he had been asking Justin forever.

He dug through all the pockets and didn’t discover anything else exciting. Tapping his chin he looked over and noticed Justin’s laptop bag sitting in the over sized chair. It wasn’t like JC to go through Justin’s things, but he was just tired of wondering.

He made a quick move to the bedroom door and locked it before sitting on the bed and unzipping the laptop case. At first he again discovered nothing exciting. There was a phone charger, laptop charger, pens, a notebook, and post its. It wasn’t until JC lifted up the laptop and peered in closer did he discover the newly published insert of Justin’s cd. For a moment the feeling of anger left him and he excitedly opened the booklet and admired all the art. It was perfect and it fit Justin’s style just right, as he continued to flip and read his features hardened again. There was no mention of him, not even in the thank you notes. This was the last straw. He loved Justin in more ways than he could imagine, but he was sick and tired of being his doormat.

Opening the door, JC made his way down the hall and glared at Justin who was seated at the piano bench. He looked over the rim of his glasses at JC. “I thought you were changing…” Trailing off he slowly stood up when he noticed JC’s expression.

“You are a lying piece of shit.” JC stated. “You have made a fucking mockery of me for the last time. I want my credit and I want recognition!” He waved the booklet in the air and threw it down on the floor.

“Look I know we had a deal… I was going to tell you that it just it didn’t work out how we had discussed…” Justin couldn’t dig his way out of this one. The truth was there were already rumors circling Hollywood that he was secretly married to JC. People claimed to have seen them together both wearing wedding bands. Justin didn’t want that kind of publicity linked to his album, so he tired to kill the rumors by being seen with every possible woman he could manage to be seen with. Adding JC in the liner notes and thank you’s would just throw everyone into a frenzy again. He liked publicity but not when it hit so close to home for him. He convinced himself he wasn’t ashamed, but at the same time he had no idea what he was doing. He loved JC, but how he was portrayed to the public seemed to be more important to him.

“Just stop talking. You aren’t making it any better. Do you get off on making me feel stupid? Is this even real? Do even love me at all?” JC wasn’t yelling, he was pleading. He looked Justin in the eyes and shook his head. “Tell them you love me.” He requested.

“What?” Justin raised his eyebrows at JC’s request.

“Go on a fucking show Barbra Walters or whatever Diane Sawyer and tell them you’re married. Tell them we have been married and that you love me.” JC wasn’t playing around. “If you don’t do it…I’m done. Do you hear me? I’m done Justin.” He angrily tossed the wedding ring at the younger man, almost hitting him in the side of the head. Justin ducked and watched as it ricocheted off one of the potted plants.

He watched as JC stormed off back towards the bedroom and slammed the door. Sighing some, Justin bent down and picked up his wedding band. He turned it between his fingers for a moment before stealing one last glance towards the hallway where JC had disappeared. He knew what the right thing to do was. He had known for years, but he also knew exactly what he was going to do.

-------------------------END FLASHBACK---------------------------------

JC buttoned the button on his jeans and then slowly began picking up the mess that had occurred in the kitchen. He felt his legs shake a bit every time he bent down, causing his cheeks to burn with embarrassment. It had been a long ass time since he’d been fucked that good. His legs were jell-o and he knew in the morning it would only be worse.

Justin had disappeared to change his shirt since JC had accidently ripped it. He wasn’t sure what had just happened between them. One minute JC was pissed giving it to him like no other and the next they were having heated amazing sex in the kitchen. It only added to the mind fuck that JC had developed again from Justin.

The sound of the doorbell pulled JC out of his thoughts as he carefully made his way over to the door. Pulling it open, he widened his eyes with surprise once he saw Jessica standing on his porch.

“What are you doing here?” He stammered, feeling his face get hot again.

She eyed him curiously and took off her sunglasses. “Are you okay? You look sweaty and flushed. You’re not getting sick are you?” She put a protective hand over her stomach again and took a few steps away from him incase he was.

“What? No I’m not sick. I’m…I went for a run earlier…” He waved it off and quickly changed the subject before she could ask anymore inquiring questions. “What are you doing here?”

“I know the doctor said to not overwhelm him. I know this goes against everything but I just have to see him. Just tell him we are friends or something. Please JC.” She looked at him with hopeful eyes.

“I don’t know… this isn’t a good time he’s had a bad day with all this…maybe come by tomorrow?” JC suggested, knowing he was the pond scum of the universe. He had no idea what he was doing or why he was even doing it.

“No. No I can’t wait anymore. I want to see him.” She crossed her arms over her chest and it became obvious that she wasn’t going to leave until she did so.

“Jess I really think you should wait till he’s in a better mood. He hasn’t been stable at all today..” She brushed past him and made her way into the house, setting her purse down on a side table.

“I’m already in here. Please JC… I need him.” She pleaded.

JC stared her down a moment. He was confused himself and afraid. He knew what was right. Justin wasn’t his anymore, they had long expired. It wasn’t an easy pill to swallow. It stung more this time than the first time.

“Just make yourself at home.” He offered quietly before disappearing down the hallway.

“Justin?” He knocked once on the door before pushing it open. “Um somebody is here that I want you to meet.”

Justin stepped out the bathroom with a clean new shirt on. He smiled at JC and in an almost innocent tone asked, “Who is it? Is it the guy about the piano?”

JC shot him a glare. “What piano?”

“Well you got rid of the other one for whatever reason, so I took it upon myself and bought you a new one. It was supposed to be a surprise. Our anniversary is coming up soon remember?” Justin moved closer towards JC as he leaned on his crutch. “So is it the piano guy?”

JC stayed quiet. It was obvious that this oblivious part of Justin probably didn’t even realize they had just had sex. “You remember we fucked right now out there don’t you?” JC questioned.

Justin let out a loud laugh. “Well actually…” He looked down sheepishly and then offered JC a grin. “I kind of came out of the blackout towards the end of it. I made me feel a little better to know I wasn’t pissing you off this time.”

JC stared at him and then let out a laugh himself. “Well you did piss me off but you made it up to me.” He admitted.

Justin pulled JC towards him by the bottom of his shirt. At first JC was hesitant, and standoffish until he looked into Justin’s eyes. “I have always loved you. I may have done bad malicious things and hurt you but I still love you. I just want you all to myself.” Justin confessed quietly.

JC’s first reaction was to pull away, and call him a lying piece of shit, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t because though words are powerful, it is impossible to hide the look in someone else’s eyes. Maybe at a point Justin really did mean those words. Maybe they used to be real. JC knew he would never truly know for certain. What he did know what that this man, even if he was broken he did love him. It didn’t dismiss the wrong he’d done, what he threw away, but subconsciously he regretted it and knew what he’d given up.

“I love you too. Come on… come meet my friend.”