Daniella

I caught my breath and wiped the perspiration off my forehead. I took a small resting my tired, aching body against the wall break from all the massive amount of work I just got dumped on from my overextending boss.

I hate this job. Always have and always will. There was nothing lucrative about the logistics of it.

It isn't like I could just quit and find another one. This is Los Angeles. If you're not working in the industry, you are definitely treading the lines that hold it in place. People dream of coming here only to change their lives. Truth is, I'm starting to think there isn't room for everyone to grasp onto it.

Of course I wasn't the resident side person in the beginning. My clean slate and fresh (in my opinion) presense nearly made me a potential shoe in for the "anything is possible" mantra my teachers used to tell me. Back then, I had role models which I utilized. But the truth of the matter was I had my chance, a few opportunities and I blew it. My oppression wasn't that I had tried too much, but mainly that I was fearful of failure. The only thing keeping me together, barely, was work. I didn't care what it was. Work in something. I don't live in a small town. Rent isn't cheap where I live. I decided to go it alone for a while now. The neglecting of a roommate cost me in finances but I valued my privacy more. Can't trust anyone in this city.

The job I do, anyone could do. Nothing challenges me anymore; I don't wake up in the morning smiling before starting the day. I just go to bed and repeat the same if not more feelings of agony the next day and all the ones after that.

I did this to myself. I suppose I could have had the life I wanted if I wasn't so scared to fall down. Now I fall down so much it's damn near routine. You can't afford to be klutz in this city. People frown on the weak, the under connected, the ones who don't believe in "fake it to make it."

A lot of people, strong, confident, assertive people come inside where I work and just live. I guess I don't know what that feels like so that's why I took this job and abandoned my cubicle work crunching numbers and basically pushing paper around. You know that movie Office Space? I can't watch it without weeping softly. Fuck Mike Judge for telling the truth. Those characters weren't just created for play, there's a reason for the stereotypes.

The life I chose right now is the closest I'm going to get being near what I thought I could achieve. Of course I think the world is too damn shallow to see anything beyond the exteriors, the right words, powerful people and more money than most people could dream of. If I took the risk now, it would be too late. I had my chances and they were gone as soon as they came. Who am I kidding right? Everybody, mostly everyone wants to live the high life. But that's what I worried about if I had believed in myself more.

That maybe, just maybe I would enjoy that life a little too much to the point where I lost myself. It happens to celebrities all the time. It's a good thing I didn't wind up a celebrity. I have fear 10 steps down the line to thank for that.

I have another job that I do terribly but it still pays the bills, barely. I am a walking cliché, living from pay check to pay check. If you ask me they should have hired someone three times my size to do that job. I knew I was hired because I wasn't particularly attractive enough to service the customers.

Ah yes, that word, those judgments. I personally don't find myself hideous in the looks department, but I know I don't mesh with crowd of people accepted by society as "good looking" to get in the door of most things in life. They care way too fucking much about that stuff in La. They know who I am and so do I. I wear the average name tag like a badge of honor. I know who I am and I know what I'm not. People in the 90s thought I was taking a page off of Janeane Garofalo's book of beauty. It wasn't a conscious way of living I'll tell you that much. If I actually made more of an effort I'd still look more or less the same so I let it go.

I used to think most men didn't like women unless they looked a certain way, now I realize that it's other women putting the pressures on each other. I'm not really sure what we're all accomplishing when we tell each other how to live our lives. Girls and exteriors are like guys and status, one doesn't and cannot exist without the other and it's considered a sin to suggest one doesn't belong with the other. It's the not so silent secret that is more screamed in our faces the minute we are around those types of people.

I guess all this probably sounds like I hate celebrities and their lifestyle. Not really. What I find much more annoying is their holier-than-thou attitude when a so called "outsiders" walk by them. The gossip is what bothers me. And let me tell you this, in a recording studio, with tons of egos strewn about the booths, people talk shit as if their lives depended on it.  

I block it all out with my ear bubs thank god. It naturally pisses off my boss even more but who gives a shit? I won't be subjected to thin conversation just because of where I work. There are only three of us on the job anyway. I am on weekdays and the other two work weekends and graveyard shifts.

My shoulder was knocked suddenly and the robust face I knew well gave me the ugliest look.

"Back to work. We need you in the main studio. We have it booked for a girl group in three hours. Get on it. They want it spotless before they come."

I rolled my eyes, picked up my cleaning items and headed to the biggest recording studio that almost felt like it was hidden away from the other regular studios. Did Howard Stern secretly record here or something? It reeked of money and high end bling. I know I've polished this one before but I still can't get over how massive it is. You could basically live inside it like it was a condominium.

Thank god it wasn't completely filthy or I'd have an anxiety attack, I was already tired and grumpy as is. Girl group? Hasn't the world had enough of those? I thought it should have died with the Spice Girls. Enough already.

It didn't take me more than 10 minutes to make it presentable looking. The equipment still looked brand new so I knew there wasn't much dust in the crevices, since sanitizing the controls were delicate anyway, all I did was wipe underneath the table where I had a feeling some gum was stuck. Thankfully not so much, but there were food wrappers and venting machine chips bags, a couple soda bottles; the usual.

I turned on the AC before leaving. This is not my idea, apparently people love it when it feels like the arctic as they record their demos and final tracks. Not really sure how that helps getting it laid down but I found it odd. I made sure to keep the dial at a not so freezing temperature and turned back to the other job I had to do.

I blew some warm air inside my hands, clasping them in front of my face. The long hallways always had some kind of odd wind tunnel feeling that made everything seem like Winter in the UK. It was almost time for me to go but since my duties piled up, I was made to stay until the last booking had gone before the graveyard shift comes.

This wasn't exactly what I needed. I work full days and barely sleep as it is when I'm not nursing a lukewarm bottle of New Castle on my couch.

This place is so depressing. No one ever interacts with anyone, and if they do it's completely put on. Most of the action happens inside the booths anyway. People can seriously be stuck there in there for hours like an animal in a cage. I'm trying to see what the fuss is about. I still can't figure it out why people camp here for long hours. It's not a hotel, granted I don't always get the main room; it's sort of the suite of the whole building. There were rumors that Kanye West brought his posse here and they threw a party on the weekend to celebrate his birthday. Ever the douche bag to party like a 5-year-old running around with ADHD. 

Of course the idiots who were supposed to stay after to clean barely did any work so I had to finish the job and really dig around the room to keep it neat. That's when I hate my job, when people are utter pigs that they can't pick up simple trash by themselves. This girl group better not cross that line; I'm in no mood for that shit.
 
It's a good thing I'll be nowhere near those simpletons and finish the tasks I was told to do on the other side of the main studio.

I switched my playlist on my phone and dragged my supplies to the area I was about to start on before I was called out of it. I think knowing that these girls are in a girl group really doesn't help my job anymore. Especially if they are young and impressionable, not to mention spoiled. Whatever, it isn't like there was going to be a responsible adult around them. Probably be someone just as immature as they are. Oh I can't wait, bring it on, just kill me already. I'm halfway there anyway.