“Don’t do it.”
I stare at the computer screen while she rubs my shoulders, forcing myself not to get emotional. I never get emotional about Fel. It’s not something that I’ve ever allowed myself to do. It’s just how life is. We’ll never be close. It’s something I should have realized from the beginning and I never should have let my mother talk me into this.
“I have to.” I suck in a breath, and continue to book the flight.
I called Shannon an hour ago. Told her how things were going. She told me if I wanted to send our daughter back to Philly, she wouldn’t blame me.
“Felicity is a stubborn brat,” she laughed. “Justin, I...I really wanted this to work out but it sounds like she’s just going to stick to her guns until she gets her way. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.”
“It’s not your fault. What’s a good time for you to pick her up tomorrow?”
“The afternoon would be great.”
“I’ll call you in the morning then.”
We hung up. It was always like that with us. I was thankful our thing was never bitter. We could always be casual friends, and I liked it that way.
“If you do this, she’ll only have one more excuse to tell people about why she doesn’t want to have a relationship with you,” Jessica tells me. “You’re taking the easy way out. She’s used to this from you. You’re just letting her win, letting her think she’s right about you. She’s not. I know she’s not and so does everybody else. You have to try, J. After this, you won’t get another chance.”
I continue to type my daughters information into the United Airlines website, trying to tune her out, but that’s difficult. She’s one of the only women I’ve ever known that’s been able to tell me when I’m right and when I’m wrong, that I actually listen to. “Maybe I don’t want another chance. Maybe I don’t care.”
“You care.” She sinks down into the chair beside me, and forces me to look at her. Those brown eyes of hers captivate me every time, and I find that I can’t go back to looking at the computer as she smiles at me. “I know you care, Justin. I know you want to love your daughter.”
I shrug. “It’s like I don’t even have a daughter.”
“She’s defensive. Can you blame her?”
“It’s just easier if we don’t push this thing, don’t you think? Life is so...easy right now. There’s us and Sophie, our friends. My work isn’t putting pressure on me every single day anymore. I can live, we can live, for the first time in...God, I don’t know...”
“For the first time, ever,” she smiles.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Her birthday is tomorrow. Maybe just see what happens then.”
“I gotta get her on that plane. I do. It’s not going to work out.”
“Why don’t you give it one more try. Go up and talk to her. Tell her how you really feel.”
“I can’t do that,” I chuckle. “You know how I am about that shit.”
“Well that’s your problem. God knows, we almost ended things because of it.”
She’s right. I told her that it had been fun, but it was over. Every five years, I did the same shit to every woman I’d ever been with, with the exception of Britney. It was a commitment thing. If I ended the relationship myself, I didn’t have to worry about getting hurt again. But Jessica wasn’t going to go down without a fight, even when I pushed her away, made the stupidest attempts to avoid her and shut her out of my life. It wasn’t going to work on her. She loved me, for me. More than most women ever had.
I couldn’t help myself. I gave in, I succumbed to the feelings that had always been there and I told her...I told her how much I loved her.
And I realized that I needed to marry her. I needed to slow my life down and be happy, for once. Six months later, I was convinced I needed to get my daughter back in my life too, somehow.
Jessica was a lot easier to handle.
“I really want you to go try one more time.” She kisses me softly and tugs on my arm. “Please baby.”
I nod a little, get up from the chair. “Fine. Fine I’ll try.”
She smiles. “Good. I’m going to walk Tina. Call me later, I want to know how it went.”
“If she doesn’t murder me, sure,” I laugh.
She swats my arm and glares at me playfully. “I’ll talk to you later.”
She leaves, and I’m left alone in my office, staring at the computer screen, half filled out with my daughters information. It feels foreign, typing it all, because it is. I have a folder in my desk with all of her personal information, for emergencies. My mom thinks it’s a good idea that I have it, just in case. In case of what? The girl has two of the best parents I’ve ever met. That guy Gary, he’s more of a man than I’ll ever be when it comes to my daughter. I take after my dad, it’s easier to just walk away from things that seem too overwhelming, like a young wife and baby seemed to me years ago when I had my whole life in front of me. It’s not like that with him. He knew what he was taking on when he met Shannon, but it didn’t scare him away. He raised my daughter, loved her like she was his own, made her part of who she is today, and I’m thankful for that.
Thankful, but I guess a little bitter too. Bitter against myself, because I had the means to do what he did, raise her myself, make her feel important in my life, invite her on tour instead of inviting my brothers when they were little. Spending the time with her that I said I would, instead of canceling out for some stupid excursion with my friends. I never understood, never realized why those years when she was little were so important, like my mom constantly tried to convince me. I figured she was little, taken care of, and didn’t need me butting into her life.
But now, seventeen years later, I’m standing here in my big ass house after a party with most of those same friends I used to ditch her for, and I realize what I could have done.
What I should have done.
And it’s no wonder Felicity hates me.
I see Trace with his new baby girl all the time. He’s a great father, loves her more than anything in the world, and I know he’d never abandon her like I did when my daughter was a baby. Jess and I spend most weekends with Trace, his fiancé Sam, and baby Sophia now that things in my life, career wise, have calmed down. I have a God daughter, and man, I love the crap out of that little baby. I hold her in my arms, and smile when she squeals and giggles, smile when she looks all around, her eyes wide as she takes in the big world in front of her. It makes me so happy to spend that time with her, but so sad because I know...it’s what I missed with Fel, and I’ll never get that back. I guess in a way I’m trying to make that up through Sophie...but she’s not my baby. At the end of the day Trace and Sam get to take her home and find out what it really means to cherish time with their baby girl.
I don’t know if a relationship like that would have worked out between Shannon and I of course, but if nothing else, I’d have a relationship with my daughter if I decided to have a hand in raising her. I chose my career instead, and five years later, I let some other guy adopt her...let him give her his name instead of mine, and I didn’t really care.
I was such a selfish, stupid bastard. I’m not the type that has regrets, either. I’m usually pretty happy, surrounded by my friends and family. Up until this year, I hadn’t thought twice about it. I guess when my best friend told me he was going to be a father it all hit me at once. This feeling came over me. I had a daughter too. A daughter few people knew about. One I swept under the rug and virtually didn’t know at all. When I called my mom to tell her how I felt, she seemed relieved. She told me that she was waiting for me to come around, knew I would at some point, but that it was going to be hard forming that relationship I wanted with a moody teenager who had long ago convinced herself that I didn’t love her.
“She’s just like you were, you know,” my mom had laughed over the phone. “Stubborn and ready to do everything herself.”
I guess I knew how hard it would be, ripping my kid away from her friends for a summer. I guess I should have known that she wouldn’t be happy here, but I didn’t really think she would be this harsh with me. I thought a little trip to Rodeo would get her talking, that we would start to get to know each other.
She’s not like that though. She’s like me. She’s been hurt and wants me to know it. I shouldn’t be surprised. I treated my father the same way once he started coming around again, only then, I had somebody else in my life that I was calling dad.
I guess history really has a fucked up way of repeating itself, because I swore I’d never do what my real father did to mom and I in the beginning.
But I did.
I tap my fingers on the desk, and debate for a few more minutes before I decide to take my fiancee's advice and try one more time, to get on my daughters good side, before shipping her back to Philadelphia and out of my life forever. I ascend the staircase, passing my dogs on the way to them. They’re both laid out on the floor on their backs, passed out cold, and I’m thankful we won’t be distracted by them at the moment. I reach the top, and walk down the hall, pausing in front of the bedroom door that I designated to be hers, like it was something special. It wasn’t. I did nothing to prepare for her arrival, didn’t see a need to. Now I realize if I’d made an effort, changed the bedding, made it look like a teenage girls room, maybe she would have respected me more.
I shake the feeling off, and tap on the door. “Fel?” There’s no answer, naturally, so I open the door a crack and peer inside. She’s laying on the bed, on top of the bedding, a book draped over her chest, obviously having passed out while reading. I gently make my way inside, and sit down on the edge of the mattress, removing the book slowly so I won’t disturb her. I read the cover and smile slightly A Guide to Musical Theory-Advanced Edition.
It’s something in my life that’s always connected me to home, to family...Music. It’s something she’s inherited from me, her love for it, her talent for it. I’ve watched her recitals over and over again, seeing myself in her, seeing her passion for the music, her drive. She could be like me, probably even more acclaimed, and I know it’s one of the reasons why my mom and Shannon wanted her to come out here. They want me to inspire her, show her how to add some creative flare to her Juilliard audition, and I was excited about it, up until I met her at the airport.
She sighs heavily in her sleep and turns over, her fluffy blond curls falling into her face. Smiling, I reach out and gently brush them away, revealing the face that has some features from me, but the beautiful femininity of her mother. I let my hand connect with the soft warm flesh on her face, realizing it’s the first time I’ve ever done something like this with her. It doesn’t feel weird, awkward, or bad though. It feels...nice.
Then her eyes open suddenly, and I see that piercing blue from my mothers side staring me in the face. She gasps and sits up, clutching a pillow to her chest. “What...what are you doing?”
I laugh lightly and put the book down on the bed. “Came to check in on you.”
“Why?”
“I thought we could have a talk before I buy you a one way ticket home.”
She doesn’t say anything, just stares at me. I expect it though. If I were her, I’d be questioning everything too.
“You want to talk now?”
“Yeah. I do.”
She clutches the pillow closer to her chest, and gives me a defiant stare. “Okay. You have five minutes.”
I laugh at her again. “That’s all?”
“Your time is running out.”
“Do you really want to leave? You just got here.”
“It’s my summer,” she shrugs. “Why am I being forced to spend it with you? You were never forced to spend time with me.”
“True.” I nod in agreement. “I get why you’re pissed.”r32;
“Well you should.”
“I guess I just feel like...I deserve one chance at this thing, you know? A chance from you.”
“Why didn’t you try before?”
“I guess I just didn’t see things like I should have.”
“It’s not an excuse.”
“I know that.” I look her in the eyes, and for the first time I see some give in her. Just a little bit, but at least she’s listening to me. “I know it’s not and I know I’m a complete idiot for just...letting you go. It took a lot to wake me up, make me realize that you were always a hell of a lot more important that I made you out to be, and I’m sorry.”
She looks down at the pillow and seems to consider what I’ve said for a few moments. “I still don’t trust you.”
“I don’t expect you to, I just...would like us to spend a couple of days together. After that, if you really don’t want to be here, I’ll get you that ticket home like you want. I’m just looking for a day or two.”
“Two days, then I can leave?”
I smirk, and sigh. “Yeah, if that’s what you really want.”
She flops back against the other pillows. “Fine, Justin.”
“It’s your birthday tomorrow, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, so?”
“Well I’ll make it special then. We’ll get up early and make a day out of it, all right?”
“I want a car.”
I scoff. “Oh really? Anything else on your list?”
“Probably. But I really want a car.”
I know she has a car. Shannon told me that Gary bought her a nice used Honda sedan for her birthday last year. I know what she means though. She wants me to buy her some flashy sports car that will cost me about eighty grand or so. I could do it, no problem, of course, but a part of me knows that it will just be buying her happiness. Buying my way closer to her. I’ve already done enough of that, sending those checks to Shannon for all these years. “Well, I know you already have a car.”
She slowly sits up and stares at me. “But that car is used.”
I shrug. “Still, what more do you need? You’ll be in college next year anyway. You wont need a car then.”
“You have the money,” she mutters. “That’s what I want.”
“Well that’s not how life works.” I laugh and get up from the bed. “It’s your birthday and I’ll take you to the mall, but I’m not buying you a Porsche, Fel.”
“Forget it.” She turns away from me. “I don’t want anything.”
“You know, for a kid who grew up away from all this, you sound like a spoiled little brat.”
“What good are you if you aren’t going to give me what I’m asking for? You owe me at least that much.”
“The only thing I really owe you is a relationship with me. I’m working on it, but you need to do your part too.”
“Some prize,” she mutters. “At least you’re doing this by choice. I’m being forced to cooperate. You know…I’m giving up a summer with my friends and a trip with my boyfriend to sit here with you.”
“I promise, in two days I’ll get you a ticket if you still want to go home to them.” I smirk. “Your mom didn’t tell me about a boyfriend.”
“That’s because it’s none of your business.”
“You haven’t done anything stupid with him have you?”
She narrows her eyes at me and sits up. “Are you kidding me?”
“No,” I say seriously. “I know how a teenage boy thinks.”
“This is awkward.” She slides off the bed and stands across from me, her arms crossed sternly over her chest. “You aren’t supposed to ask me these questions. Gary does that already, too much.”
“Well that’s a sign of a good parent.”
“At least someone decided to be.”
I sigh. “Just be careful, you know…has anyone talked to you about what happens when a guy and a girl…”
“JUSTIN! Gross!”
I smirk. “Just checking. C’mon you wanna go to dinner?”
“No.”
“Oh…well…okay then.” I stretch out across her bed and fold my hands behind my head. “What else should we talk about? How about weed? Drugs? Alcohol? Do you go to parties without adult supervision? I think I should have your mom make a list of all your friends, so I can call and get to know their folks. It’ll give me better insight to what goes on back home.”
“I’ll go to dinner! Okay? I’ll go!”
Well, that wasn’t so bad.
Maybe this parenting thing won’t be so hard after all.
Incomplete
ialwayzbesingin is the author of 25 other stories.
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