I hadn’t seen him in days, and in those days my work had suffered considerably - he was all I could think about. I hadn’t spoke to him much either, since he was either doing shows or interviews, or I had to read about him over my morning coffee.

It was awful. And what makes it worse is that everyone in the office building knew how I was, who I was dating and just exactly what was going on in my personal life. I cant describe the sheer intrusion that I felt when id hear people whispering about me, or Justin, or that girl. It was on tiny level - the same way j feels when the papers do this to him. I knew right then that I just couldn’t handle it if I were in his shoes.

I just couldn’t.

“Anita are the reviews in from the première? You know the ones that you were meant to have filed three hours ago?”

My boss opened my door and all in one sentence he made me jump.

“No…the mags haven’t sent them over yet I’ve emailed them, so it shouldn’t be long…ill have them

to you as soon as I get them.”

“good, try and not have be any longer, I need to get them over to Mr Shaw, as you know he’s.…”

“a very important client, I know sir, it wont be a problem.” I dismissed his look. The look most

senior staff had been giving me.

It basically said “you stupid girl, what are you doing mixed in all that publicity, its your job to serve it

not to have it in your life”

“Okay Anita, well.” he sighed, and for a second I think he gave me what he maintained to be a

“sympathy” look.

Jesus I was in hell, when even baldy mc bald was being nice to me.

“well okay, in a few minutes….Ill be right with you…and ill be all done.” I tried to dismiss.

When he exited I just want die, I just wanted to crawl up under my desk and die. I knew they were

all chatting, talking and gossiping about to the point where im sure Suzy the office slut ( yes that’s her

actual name, since she’s shagged most of the male employees) that her ears are about to pop off.

Just then my mobile went off.

“what?”

“Sorry…its just me.”

Justin, sounding as tired as I felt.

“oh, hello?” I was shocked to be honest. I didn’t expect him to call me.

“hey…look im sorry this last few days have been, well, hell” he sighed.

No shit.

“yes, they have…where are you?”

“Im” he sighs “Im in LA, I’ve had something to sort out with my lawyers with some stuff….”

“oh, I see…right well…how’s that going?”

What exactly did I say to him, I was still hurt, I was still angry and most of all I was lonely with out

him.

“yeah they said that it should take a few days to get things sorted in order to make her give a foetus

DNA test. So I hope if all goes well I should be back in the UK with you…”

“Justin what are you doing?”

“what?”

He was babbling - so unlike him. Ill be honest, I didn’t really know how to react to that. He was

usually so smooth and together.

“Justin breathe ok, just please breathe.”

“I cant.” he said in a lower voice than before. “I cant breathe Anita, I just cant seem to right

now…everything and everyone is just…there’s all this pressure and all these questions - over one

stupid mistake, and everything is ruined…including us.”

“Justin…”

“No…it is, cause I saw the way you looked at me that day on the bus, I saw…and I hear it in your

voice” his own voice was cracking. “I hear it.”

“hear what?”

“the disappointment…and its killing me.”

“Justin im not…”

“you are, and don’t lie okay…please there are enough people lyin’ to me right now, I don’t know if I

could take it from you too.” id heard him cry before. But this was a sob that he was trying to control.

And THAT killed me.

“baby are you okay?” I tried to ask.

“No…am not, I tired Nita. Im tired of all of this, im tired of being strong, of being responsible, an

adult, boss…im just tired of the act.”

“act?”

“don’t you get it? This whole thing, this whole image that im freaking out over, this stupid thing…its

not real…im just me, and im a dumbass, I make mistakes and I screw up but im not allowed to do that….to them im meant to be this thing, this idea of what people look up to, or admire or whatever, and to be honest I don’t think I can do that any more.”

“I know the real you sweetheart, and im not disappointed.”

Well, maybe a little…

“well ill tell you something then.”

“what?”

“Im disappointed in myself, and I think that’s worse…I’ve let you down, i’ve let my family down

and i’ve let me down.”

“because of one stupid night with one woman…Justin please…”

“I shouldn’t have done it…”

“slept with her?”

“No…well yes that too…but Nita, I treated her like shit, the way I talked to her, the way I just

dismissed her, i’ve never talked to a woman like that in my life, and now…now im fucked.”

“you know, this isn’t the end of the world J, you could deal with this and come out the other side a much stronger person.”

“im not ready to be a father Anita, and im certainly not ready to parent with a woman like

that…she’s PURE evil.”

I had to laugh, mainly because it was exactly what I thought.

“I know, but you could…try?”

Why was I doing this, giving him this pep talk when I was the one hurting too…he should have been

consoling me for crying out loud. But it was the people pleaser side of me again, the side of me that

just needed everyone and everything to be okay, and to like me and praise me. I think it’s a only child

complex I haven’t come across yet.

“I miss you.” he said

“I miss you too, you know that if you need me, ill be there…ill come over right now and we’ll do this” I managed to summon all my courage in that one sentence.

He was silent over the wire for a wile, then he sighed. “No you know I think you had the right idea the first time, right now things are real messed up, so I think the space thing is…”

“so the space dealing with things on your own, your okay with that? Cause I have to say, you don’t

SOUND okay.”

“Im not…but…FUCK!!! I hate this, I fucking hate this!! Space? that’s the last thing I need from you…the rest of them maybe…but not you…you I need here, now…”

I sighed, I knew how he felt. I wanted nothing more than to crawl up with him and hide underneath

my favourite pink blanket and just be.

But that was a dream, this was the real world, with real problems. Problems that couldn’t be denied or brushed under the carpet.

There was a child that need a father, and the father that need anything but a child since in essence he was still a child himself in many ways.

“I love you Justin, I just need you to remember that okay?”

He was silent. “is that it for us?”

It did feel final didn’t it?

“Im only a phone call away if you need to talk, or anything…but for right now…”

“I know…space.”

He sighed again.

“ I love you….” and with that he clicked off. And I didn’t know it then, but it would be quite a while

till I heard from him again.

Quite a while.