Then again there was a second feeling, the one that was at that point more powerful than the first.

Dread, sheer and utter dread, knots in my stomach, pains in my head just thinking about what it meant.

See the one thing, I didn't mention was that I was one of the two biggest tabloid writers in the United Kingdom, and that I currently worked for the biggest selling newspaper in said kingdom.

When I got dressed I was greeted in the kitchen by my roommate Rachel.

"You got in late…."

"Yup…" I moved to the coffee pot which was as usual when she was up before me, ass empty.

"So, how was your mingling….if im not mistake I heard a guy's voice…."

"Are you sure it wasn't coming from your room, that's usually the case…."

She flipped closed her magazine and looked up at me, "well someone is in a fuckin prissy mood today…what the hell…"

"What? I had a late night and an early morning am I supposed to me little miss sunshine?"

"Sorrry….so who was the man I heard."

"Do you have like a bats hearing when it comes to the opposite sex because I swear you do."

"Um No, and no need to be a *+@*#…."

"Sorry okay its just I have a lot on at work today and im not in the least bit looking forward to it."

"Whats going on…"

"Uh my boss FI has decided that im up for junior editor, she said so last night at the party and I just don't know if im ready for it…I mean im only 24….that's a lot of bloody pressure."

"Isn't it a good thing though, I mean most people work all their lives for a chance like this, if I were you id grab onto it with both hands…"

"I know, I know I should and that's whats killing me. But as it stands I don't have any social life of my own, if I take this I may as well become a nun. Ill be working 24/7 practically."

"True, but wont it all be worth it, I mean think of the pay rise…."

"Its not about the money, you know that. I like the wage earn now, its just if I take this position it means contracted…for years, which means ill never really be free to look for something else…something better."

"Better than helping run the most popular tabloid in the country….what else is there?"

See the thing about Rachel was, she was a gossip as well as a +$**…not a good combination.

"real journalism, real news about real people and events, not who Paris Hilton is shagging this week or what Britney's cellulite looks like….that's not what I want to do forever."

"Her cellulite is gross can I just say that, I mean for a woman with ALL that money you'd think she'd invest in some treatments for it for god's sake!!"

"NOT the point here rach….do you get what im saying here?" I took a bite of my toast.

"Yes I get it…and im sorry your unhappy…but don't ruin this or you might not even get the chance to pursue a "real" career if you piss off your boss…tread light okay?"

"Okay, you're so lucky…all you have to worry about is your boss, I have to worry about a @%%* load of egos, and a nation of gossipers….ugh!"

"Hey, being an assistant to mr "I love myself" Maxwell isn't that easy, he is one of the world's biggest assholes but he signs my pay checks so I have to be nice to the @%%*."

"I still think there are other lawyers out there - female ones that wouldn't grab your arse every time you walked into a room."

"He may be an $@%%%## but he's good in bed…why should I give up the one perk of the job."

"Well, if you say so. Right im gone….wish me luck."

Walking into the busy news room I was met with the usual lines of BS from those who worked under me, why deadlines weren't met, why such and such didn't get the scoop they wanted or needed or that someone else had taken it.

All of which id have to explain to my boss, the over eager lipstick on her teeth woman that was Felicity Goodman.

"Morning Anita, or should I say after noon?"

"I was working for you last night remember….and I think we've got the story on beckham latest lady in waiting…"

"Really? You saw it last night then?" she sat on my oak desk with on butt cheek on, the other off. One leg to the floor.

"I saw it all, in fact I even saw Mrs B witness it for herself….she was fuming."

"So who was it then?"

"Her sister!" I smiled and handed her the detailed account of what I saw. "Here, it's all in there…and ive managed to track down her sisters husband…he's got a few interesting sound bites in there too."

"You did all this in one night?" she asked flipping through all 11 pages."

"No, actually ive known for a while…about a week so ive been sending surveillance on the sister for a few days, the pics should be on your desk if the copy editor's been doing her job."

"This is huge, you know that don't you, I mean the minute we announce, another affair is big, but when we add that's its Vicki's sister and she KNOWS? Jesus, it proves the marriage is a sham…all for the public. Either that or she really is as thick as she is thin…."

With that she walked off shaking her head as she read my story, she seemed happy. Too happy. That meant only one thing - she had her front page….

I hated doing this, I mean yes it was meant to be good for my "career" and that every front page I earned id done so with a @%%* load of hard work. But on the other hand these were people, not something we owned and could exploit at our own choosing…they had children, sham or not they were parents… as much as the raise made me happy, the cruel aspect to it made me that much more sad.

I felt dirty.

"Anita could you come to my office a moment please?" I heard over my com.

"Coming." I pressed in as I stood up and walked the short distance to her glass office.

"Please sit down." She said sitting in her big leather chair the perfect background of big Ben behind her

"Is there something wrong with the copy I gave you?"

"Oh no, no its perfect in fact we're going to splash with it first thing…it'll run all week."

"Ok…"

"Anita, you've been here what, 2 years now?"

"In June…"

"Ah, well in that very short space of time you've been a tremendous addition to the paper, you know that im sure. You've earned seven amazing splash's in only that time, and each time it's been right on the ball."

"Well…thank you." I think?

"Good, look the reason ive asked you in here is that we… max (the owner of the paper) and I have decided that of all the candidates for the junior editing position, you are the most deserving."

"Oh?"

"Congratulations, you've got the job" I was gob smacked, I what now?

She noticed this and she stood up and walked to my side of her desk, "Anita, I know that for someone as young as you this is a huge achievement, but you've earned it girl, enjoy it!"

"But I…. wasn't john in for it? He's been here much longer than I have…"

"Yes but john is a lazy bum…so, listen ill let it sink in…but for now let me show you to you office."

"Office?" I had walls!!!

"Yes dear, office with windows and everything." Windows as in plural? Well okay then.

Hey I may have been in moral hell, but it didn't mean I couldn't be comfortable while I was burning now did it?

"This is mine?" it wasn't huge it was half the size of felicity's…but it was still bigger than my cube. And it had two massive windows a large desk, computer and big ass leather chair. Yes I could live here!

"Thank you?"

"No, thank you…this beckham thing maybe the story of the year, and its only January! They'll be a small celebration later on if your interested, they'll be champagne…" she smiled again and left me to it.

Should I have been happy?

"This is amazing you little *+@*#, you're younger than me!!" john exclaimed hugging me as all my work friends had done.

"That's what I said! But she said they wanted someone…oh how did she put it, NOT so over the hill!" I joked.

"Like I said, *+@*#!"

"Seriously Nita, what kinds of pay are you looking at here…I mean this is a big deal! We have to head out on the piss tonight!"

"I can't…"

"You can, and you will come on! Its not every day you get something like this!" Sarah, fashion editor added.

"I suppose."

"good, ive just gotten some classic samples from Dior, we have to go try on and if anything fits ill let you keep it….EVERYONE lets say "the lounge" at 6?"

"6???" I answered. "But I have…"

"No, it can wait…"

Ugh, the thing is working at a place like this everyone, is as pushy as each other.

"Fine" I gave in, "fine but if I suffer from one of my hangovers tomorrow, you all will pay for it! I may even abuse my little bit of power!" I walked into my office with a cheeky swagger, knowing it would annoy most of those watching, those who didn't know me of course.

The others knew me well enough not to take me seriously.

I liked that.

****

"Change of set people, take 10!" the director screamed again. It seemed like they had changed set six times already and it was only 7pm. Having gotten somewhat used to the long on set days id grown to like the breaks.

The film I was working on was one that id been asked to do by the director him self. Mr "love actually" Richard Curtis. So you can only imagine the story, yeah that's right Id caved in, sold out…whatever way you wanted to put it, id gone and signed up for a romantic comedy.

And I was actually enjoying it; the cast was incredible, a real who's who of not only British film but a few well know American faces…let's just put it this way, my on screen mother was Joely Richardson, and my father Hugh Laurie. I played the son who was raised in America after they gave me up, and moved here after the death of the aunt who raised me, to the mother I never knew and the father who was meant to have raised me but didn't…its all very confusing actually. But I liked it so far, and my leading lady being Sienna Miller, I was in ok company. To say the least.

Having waited the ten minutes, we waited another ten, and another until the set manager finally came and told us they'd been having to many problems and that the next scene would have to wait until the morning. And that we may as well go home.

I was in no mood to be hauled up in a hotel room again, alone. So this time when I was offered an invitation to head out. I took it.

"Where to now?" I asked Sienna's boy June, or was it Jude? Id had a few at that point.

"I know this place around the corner, it's quieter than the club but not too dull…I have a few friends that frequent it too, it should be a laugh."

"Ok…" hell if I knew what he was talking about I just got into the cab - or should I call it a taxi… I was having bother with all this inter-continental languages.

We entered the swanky club amid a slue of paparazzi, which once we got through I definitely needed another drink.

"What are you having love?" the neatly dressed cocktail waitress asked in a weird version of the British accent. Sounded northern I think?

"Um JD, on the rocks please…" she took the other orders and I heard a distinct popping of bottles on the other end of the bar, but it was blocked by those standing around it. Then I heard cheering over the music.

"Someone's celebrating."

Sienna spoke up then "seems so, we will soon too…we're almost done! Thank god! That man takes longer than anyone ive met to just go ahead and shoot a $@%@+#+ scene."

She was mad; he'd told her off for always having her boy on set.

"I know, it has taken longer than id liked…he said two months, it's been three."

"Tough for you, id say your dying to get back to the states?"

"Nah, ive a few more things on here afterwards…but I do gotta be back by may."

"New album?"

"Yeah, that's why im staying her a few months more. Ive met with producers, and I like what we have, im thinking of using it!" the music started up, well it was after 11 most places only got going at this time.

Id finished my drink and mingled in and out of several conversations at a time when I broke for the bathroom.

Then I saw her, singing to the words of the Madonna song that was playing, it was Anita.

And I think she was drunk. I debated on weather or not to go to her, but then again I figured I may as well. What I had to lose. I was me for god sakes.

"Anita?" I tapped her on her shoulder, and she turned around as her other friends all just went about there business. I wasn't used to that, most people were at that very least, surprised to see me…

"Justin, Jesus what are you doing here?" that was one way of saying hello I guess.

"I…im here with a few friends…you?"

"Oh!"

"She's celebrating darrrrling she got a promotion!" One balding drunk man interrupted and walked off.

"You did?"

"I did…" she smiled awkwardly. "That's why we're all here?"

"They all work with you at your book store?" Must have been a pretty well run book store for having that many staff.

"Um, something like that."

"Let me buy you a drink then, as congratulations, and a thank you for last night." I noticed one of her friends head turn in my direction; I guess that comment could have been taken any number of ways.

"Anita aren't you going to introduce me, you seem a little friendly with Justin Timberlake….HI! Im Sharon…"

"Well hi Sharon, you already know who I am…but it's nice to meet you."

"Oh you too darling you too! So how do you know our little Nita here?" Anita blushed; it was cute in a way.

"Oh we met last night…we…" wait what did I say here.

She butted in for me, thank god!

"He gave me a lift home, of all things can you imagine…."

"Oooh is THAT what you 20' something's are calling it these days…" she winked to her friend, she was clearly drunk too.

"No, really that's all it was…"

"Of course darling, just warning you once fie finds out…."

"OK SHARON, moving on!!! Anita shouted to her friend, almost pushing her aside.

Then she turned to me again, "how about you buy me that drink some where else?"

"Sounds like a plan, where too now?"

As we approached the bar, a quieter version of the one before, in fact it was almost empty. "What are you having?"

"Just a water please?"

"Water? Woman come on that isn't a real drink, come on order something real!"

"Ugh okay, a vodka martini please"

"Dirty?"

She smiled a knowing smile, "yes actually."

"Good to know."

We sat with the back drop of lights on the deck, fully operational with heater, which was neat in the January cold.

"So this promotion, is it a big deal for you?"

"Ummm well, in a way…yes but Ive worked hard for it, so no I think in a way that I deserve it!" she raised her glass and took a sip.

"That's good right?"

"Of course! But I don't know it's just really tiring sometimes I wish I could just….let go and just write what I wanted to right."

"You write."

"I do, studied journalism at school…writing is something ive always had a passion for, you know something that just drove me."

"I know what you mean something that is just there and that you have to let out - otherwise you feel…"

"Trapped."

"Exactly, trapped that's how I feel sometimes when write my songs. Its something that's therapeutic, something that just eases all the tensions…well most of them anyway."

She smiled at me then, "yeah that's what it is."

"So why don't you then? Why not just leave what you do now for the thing that you want?"

She sat back in her chair, and took a deep breath, "You make it sound easy."

"Isn't it?"

"I wish it was, it would make things so much easier if it were. But as things stand at the moment I can't move on, it's that simple…"

"So it's on hold??"

"For now…." She paused "okay I barely know you, why on earth are we getting so deep here." she laughed settling down her drink.

"I don't know!!" I laughed with her, it was weird I wasn't usually one for deep conversations, let alone ones with women I hardly knew, then again not with the ones that I did know that well either….

"You said you were filming a movie? Whats it about." She cheered up.

"It's a romantic comedy - Richard Curtis…."

"Love him..." she inserted

"Yeah he's cool….and yeah it's a good movie, on paper any ways….i don't really know"

"Aw, come on your in the hands of a master here….you know if it's him its gonna be good!"

"I hope so; my others are still in the waiting department….so I don't really have any feedback to reflect on."

"Don't freak out about it…."

"Freak, did you just use American terminology?" I laughed.

"Ummm, I think I may have, damn you any way, only been here a while and your twang is wearing off on me."

"Is that bad or good?"

"Its…ill let you know."