I packed all I came with less, than a week before, I cried the whole time I have to admit. In the many, many, many times Justin and I have involved ourselves in the on again off again dance we did. This time if felt final, this time the ball was in his court and he wasn’t willing to play, to give in to me, to let me win this one.

It really was over.

As I pulled my cases to the bottom of the staircase I heard him shuffle from the other room. “i’ve arranged Tony to take you where ever you wanna go, he’s in the studio…”

“thanks” I matched his broken, sad tone, with my own.

“Do-” he took a breath as if he was holding back tears “Do you need help with those? Or anything?”

I looked at my bags. “No, thanks I can manage.”

He picked at his jeans and shuffled restlessly. “okay then, well um…have a good flight and um…”

“yeah.” I added to the awkward - not knowing what to say conversation.

We’d just broken each others hearts, what else was there left to say?

“AJ, I a…I just…wanted to say im sorry for all of this…for Melina, if I hadn’t - then we’d still…and

that kills me. Because I do love you. ”

Oh god, why did he have to be nice…

“its my fault, I lied to you, I deceived you and I hurt you, which made you do what you did, so really

its all my fault.”

“you didn’t force me to have sex with her? My own drunken stupid-ness did that all on its own”

Then there was a silence, a loud silence filled with all the words we both knew we needed to say

out loud, to say that we needed this to NOT be the way things ended. But I didn’t, and he didn’t

either. So I left, I got in the car and I was driven away.

I guess she won after all, my boyfriend took her word over mine. And that just wasn’t good enough

for me.

No matter how much I loved him.

It just wasn’t enough.

******************

She just left, she just packed and left, just like that. Id fallen for a liar, then id fallen again for this completely different person, ALL in the one woman.

And all in less than a year.

She’d allowed me to open my heart, and my mind to the things I really wanted, and the thing I really

wanted, was to be happy and contented with HER and no one else. But life happens in between, and

sometimes life just plain sucks ass.

This being one of those moments.

I needed a friend, I needed someone to talk too.

But Trace had taken one of his mystery trips days before and he hadn’t come back since.

The only other person I knew wouldn’t judge or piss me off, was my mom.

I was such a wimp.

She picked up the phone, “Hi honey, how are you?”

“Im…not so good mom.”

“that Melina girl making trouble again?”

“No…well yeah, in a way I guess…but its me an Anita.”

“Oh?”

“we broke up.”

And with that she went silent, “again, oh baby you two really should just stop this little game, either be together or be apart. Im not even involved and im tired of the on and off.”

“that’s the thing ma, this time - I think its for definite. She said she cant be in my life any more, because of Melina and the fact that I wont go ahead with the test.”

This wasn’t the best subject to broach with my mother, the test was something the she and Anita actually agreed on, that it should be done, mainly because neither of them believed Melina.

“I see….”

“Mom….I…”

“well Justin, I cant really I blame her, being caught in the middle of you two like that… I mean isn’t she meant to be your girlfriend?”

“Mom seriously, I need a little…”

“Support? What about Anita, all she was trying to do? Get the truth out before you get in any deeper with that woman”

Oh, her tone could have cut glass it was so ice sharp.

“I told you both…”

“yes darling I know what you told me, but it seems to me that, that woman has sucked you into her lie, and I thought I taught you better than that.”

“Mom you taught me to face my responsibilities and isn’t that what im doing?”

“ah, but you don’t know if this is your responsibility yet do you? Im not going to sympathise with you baby, you brought this all on your self. Im sorry….but I just cant help you.”

*******************

As the taxi dropped my off at the airport it took me ages to get a flight to Heathrow, but after an hour or so I managed to get a cancellation. Which was rare for the time day.

As I checked my bags and received my tickets, the tears that id been streaming since id got into the building has finally dried up.

It was when I saw Trace at arrivals that I felt the need to start again.

“Trace?? What are doing here? Justin said you were in Memphis.”
he looked shocked, surprised and blushing? What was up with that?
“hey…uh no I was just….I was just travelling”

The arrivals was coming from Heathrow?

“why were you in England?”

“England?” his eyes widened.

“yes, that is where your plane is coming from?”

“OH! Right yeah, well you know I was just taking a trip to uhh see some friends, you know how it is…”
“yeah…” I motioned a yes nod and it seemed like he just realised who he was talking too.

“Um what are you doing here? J said you were staying a while, now that you two are back on…”

“well actually we’re off. This time for good I think?”
“What?”
“yeah, we uhh…well I more to the point…trace” I stopped the cry that was trying to escape my throat. “I basically told him that I couldn’t be with him if he was going to keep taking her side over mine…I just cant do it.”

He nodded “he needs you, you know? Im not just saying that girl…he’s my friend and ill stand up for him till the end you know…but some times he just doesn’t make the best choices…she is one of them choices….”

“No, what if I was? Ever think of that? What if I was the mistake, this whole thing…” I was freaking the hell out.

He sensed it, “hey listen, i’ve got some time, when is your flight?”

“an hour or so…” I checked my watch.

“come on, lets get a coffee okay?” he took me by the arm and led to the café that sat in the middle of the airport.

“So, start from the start? Last time I checked in with j, you two were post coital “ he smiled “what happened between then and now?”

“Melina”

“aw.”

“I know I should be used the idea and yes I knew she was pregnant when I opted to give us another shot…but trace I didn’t think it would be so hard.”

“I know its hard, girl…please that bitch is the devil in prada okay? Im with you on this, you’re a sweetie.”

I had to smile. When we started out Trace and I didn’t mesh, but after while we just got used to each other.

“I always held onto the idea that maybe she was lying and maybe she’d eventually go away….”

“and now?” he questioned
“and now…I see that’s he’s attached to her, that he’s attached to the idea of being a father….and it kills me, it kills me that its with her, that its not…”

“you?”

I shook my head, “its not like I want to get married and start popping them out tomorrow, you know? But its just that now…now the option…”

“you feel like its been taken away, that your what? Place? Has been taken away?”

“Trace, you’re a lot smarter than you look.”

“Thanks.” he looked hurt.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that…I just…”
“I know what you mean…its okay. But listen, I think that with you two things, never just stop.”
“Trace I cant…”

“I know, I know it’s a big deal - being with him being under all the pressure that being with him entails. And now this…shit is just…shit. But I know, that you were the first girl - woman - he let in…let himself trust, like…love…In a really long time, don’t just give up on that”

I sat and sipped my coffee, and yeah I did just that. I thought about it. Over and over annnnd over again.

***************

“who were you in England with?”

“what?”

“England, your suitcase tags says United kingdom. Who were you with?”

“I…um, I was just visiting…and any ways this isn’t about me, its about you, what the fuck happened? I met her at the airport man and she didn’t look good!”

“she always looks good trace, she just was…emotional.”
“cause you broke…”

“No, she broke up with me, didn’t she tell you, she said she couldn’t handle “it” ”

“you know she only did that cause she was scared, cause she saw you getting into the whole daddy thing, with someone, who in case you hadn’t noticed - isn’t the woman you love…”

“ trace…” I looked at him as he munched on MY deli sandwich

“I don’t want to talk to you about this okay? Im gonna go upstairs take a shower and pick Melina up in town okay?”

I began walking up the stairs and I heard him yell in the distance

“of course, she-devil calls and you go a runnin’!”

Was he right? Had I let my morals over come me? Had I become a soft touch?

Yes, I really think I had….

Not good, not good at all.