As I stood in line at the ticket desk I was beginning to feel the effects of an early morning teamed with shit loads of tears. I was worn out already, and god only knows what I looked like. Appling make up in the harsh lighting that was airport bathroom wasn’t recommend, not at all. Id been in line twenty minutes because some bimbo was arguing over her first class ticket…yawn.

I decided to treat myself too, since the ticket I was opted last minute was in fact first class - I agreed and whipped out my lover and my enemy - MasterCard. How I love him all month and when its statement time, I feel the need to chop him up!

I dropped my purse and the man behind me offered me my ID card that had fallen out. I thanked him with out even a glance. “thank you…”

“Anita?” I heard as I turned around to look forward. And all I could think was “Oh no, im not in the mood to hit on today…by some ass that glanced at my name on my card.”
“yes?” but as I faced him, I realised it wasn’t some ass, it was an ass I recognised.

“WILL? Oh - my- god! Is that you?”
“I thought that was you, my god you haven’t changed a bit AJ!”

I should explain here shouldn’t I ? Will, William Henry to be exact, the boy I fell for hook line and sinker in university, we were even stupidly engaged at one time.

“awe I don’t know about that now, but you!!” I looked him over “I mean you’ve lost…so much weight! Look at you…”

He was once a slightly chubby boy man, but still good looking. Now, he was taller and much leaner, still had the dark eyes and the lashes that made me swoon.

What can I say, I have a think for nice eyes.

“I went on a diet a few years ago, never looked back…”

“which means what? You been hungry for a half a decade?”

He laughed, still had a nice laugh too, “and your still the wit. Aren’t you”

“I try…what are you doing here? I thought you got that big design job in Germany after graduation didn’t you”

“I did, and I loved it, kept it up for a few years, but I applied for a transfer, I was in LA for a few weeks on a design deal for a museum?”

“In LA?”

“I know, they might just be getting some culture over here…”

I was next in line.

“miss?”

“OH im sorry…” I handed her over my ticket, she did her thing and I was on my way to boarding.

“Listen, im on my way back to London, maybe we could meet or something?” will said as he took his place in front of the desk and handed over his ticket.

“oh…well…I just I mean, I…”
“its just coffee, its not like im purposing…again.” he smiled and I instantly felt foolish.

“okay…”

“okay, good.”

As I got on the plane I realised he was sitting in a different section to me, I smiled as I passed him, as he did to me.

It was nice seeing him again. It was also weird, he had at one point been the love of my life the man at age 19 I was sure id spend my life with, childish I know, but it was love.

My parents where thrilled that id landed a nice, well to do London boy, he was posh and in the blue blood kind of way. His great ,great, great, grandfather was an earl, or a duke or something to the British royal family. It was weird I never really listened to that part, but he was so vague about it.

When I took my seat I switched on my laptop and tried to do some work for once.

But each time I tried to settle into my write up’s I thought of Justin, and id try and stop the tears as they filled up in my eyes.

No, I wasn’t crying over him any more, if he wanted to be a moron, let him. They were both well matched.

***************

For three days after she left, I hardly spoke more than two words to anyone that crossed my path. Trace hated me, since I never talked to him and Melina was avoiding me, since I had a habit of taking all my anger out on her.

I was blaming her, when really it was my own stupidity that got me where I was, all I had to do was listen, not only to AJ but to my own mother, I knew they were both only looking out for me. And what did I do? I alienated them both by being pigheaded.

Why do I always overanalyse things after the fact? After the girl I love has hopped a plane with me NOT stopping her, with my mother not talking to me, with all this shit hitting the fan.

Anita was right, I was an idiot. No doubt about it.

“why you not talking?” Melina asked as she handed me a lemonade as I sat by the pool with her. She was spilling out of her tiny top. Both boobs and bump. It was kind of gross, she made Britney look classy.

“I just don’t have anything to say I guess.”

“you’ve been quite this last few days, its not really healthy you know.”

“Melina, please…”

“what?” she asked her accent getting clearer “Im not worried, since that bitch walked out on you, AGAIN…”

“DON’T…”

“don’t?”
“Just don’t fucking talk about her like that okay?” I closed my eyes again and tried to ignore her.

“why don’t we talk about names then.”

“Names?”

“for the baby, im thinking Leroy for a boy?”

“Leroy? Are you birthing a character from fame?”

“FINE, what would you like?”

“I dunno, I haven’t really thought about it to be honest.”

“well…think, im like a weeks from my due date here J…”

Trust me, I was only too aware of that love…

“ill get back to you…” and with that I had to jump into the pool. If only to drown her annoying voice out for a few seconds.

“Look I have a interview in a while and some thing to take care of later on, will you be ok here on your own?”

“on my own?”
“yes, ill only be a few hours”

She pouted, “your always leaving me on my own Justin…”

“Melina…come on, you know this thing isn’t long term okay? And im STILL not your boyfriend, if you want bring those friends of yours over…”

“why cant I just go with you…”

Okay, she really was THAT slow

“because i’ve work and us being seen, socially together…its not the best thing right now.”

“because of AJ?”

I sighed and got out of my chair “No, because I don’t want it okay? So just stay here and ill be back as soon as I can okay?”

She pouted again and just shrugged her shoulders. Showing her indifference.

She was really starting to get on my last damn nerve.

**************

“who where you on the phone with again Rachel?”
“who?”

“you tied up the line for like an hour, same as when I came back the other day…just who are you always gushing to?”

“gushing? No one why?”

“I don’t know its just not like you to be all - into the phone, if its not a man on the other end that’s all” I handed her the coffee and sat on the two seat-er opposite.

“well, maybe it is a man on the other end…”

“Oh? Who?”

“I cant tell you…” bullshit.

“and just why the hell not? Since i’ve had to listen to word for word all you other conquests? What’s so special about this one?

She shrugged “I don’t know, i’ve only been seeing him a little while but I really like him, but the thing is…he’s not exactly local.”

“Oh?”

“that’s all im saying for now, ill tell you…eventually…and when you stop crying yourself to sleep.”

“I haven’t…”

“you have, and it has to stop. You ended it AGAIN you’re the one that made the choice this time, so please, stop doing this to yourself. Get dressed get glammed up and go meet hunky eyes in the ivy.”

“NO

“YES, look I remember him, he was a right laugh - bit chubby in the day, but weren’t you saying he’d

Go fit an all? Go for it”
“Noooo”

“Look my philosophy is, in order to get over one man, get UNDER another!” she giggled.

“that’s just not me.”

“but you’ve already shagged will’s….what’s the big deal.”

The deal is that im IN LOVE with an idiot that doesn’t listen.

I didn’t want to take her advise but I did, I figured at the very least id be just catching up on an old mate, but in reality it was different - he wasn’t just a mate, he was the EX.

And swanky meetings with you now hotter ex while your in a venerable state isn’t really the best of ideas….is it?

As I pulled up in front of the uber exclusive restaurant I had jitters, it wasn’t as if I was there on a date, hell it was lunch time and we were JUST having lunch, catching up - that’s all it was.

As I walked through the doors I was thankfully ignored by the slew of paps standing waiting for the next “somebody” to walk through the doors.

I saw him waiting and as soon as he saw he stood up and greeted me with a double cheeked kiss.

“you made it.”

“I almost didn’t, bloody traffic!”

“tell me about it….I ordered you a drink, its still , a vodka martini dirty right?”

“you remembered?”

“of course…so listen what are you doing these days? You know what im working at…terribly boring of course…”

“I was journo for while, then I quit.”

“oh why?”

I decided not to beat about the bush with him.

“it was in the tabloids and I was shagging Justin Timberlake at the time….so it didn’t work out.”

I had to laugh, his mouth actually caped open in shock.

“you wha?
“I know”

“Justin Timberlake? isn’t he the guy from that band Sarah loved?”

Sarah, his niece.

“Nsync - that would be him.”

“the guy that at the American super bowl?”

GOD people get over that already. It was just a saggy breast, we’ll all have ‘em eventually.

“one in the same im afraid, id been seeing him for a while….and well…we just broke up actually. that’s why I was flying back home, I broke it off with him.” I sipped my cocktail, not really sure how I felt, being so honest an all.

“poor guy…”

“excuse me”

He smiled, “No I mean…I know what its liked to be dumped by you, that’s all…”
“Annnnd ?”

“and” his grinned lessened “its hard…I mean at least it was for me…you were the girl I was meant to marry…you know?”

I blushed, he wasn’t just thinner now, he’d gotten blunt as well.

“Oh…well I mean…I…”
“relax Anita, its okay, I mean it took me a while…a long while, to get over us, but I did it.”
“Good.” I nodded “ I wouldn’t have wanted to deprive all those German woman of you…”

“I always wondered why you did it though… called off the engagement, weeks before…” he looked at me “the wedding….”

“Will…come on, lets not do this okay? that’s ancient history you know that…”

“I know, but still, why?”

“I was nineteen, you were just twenty for gods sakes, we weren’t ready and you know that…”

“I know….”

“so then why ask…”

“you seemed like you wanted it, right up until you didn’t. I just would have liked it if you had told me that you didn’t want to move so fast, that’s all…the last thing I wanted was for to wake up one morning and find you, and all your things gone.”

I had been a selfish cow, even then…

“Jesus, im sorry I put you through all that, I was young and stupid. Now im just less young but just as stupid.” I ran my hand through my hair. “I just wasn’t ready then, you and I would have never lasted. We were completely the opposite, and you know that”

He nodded “I’d a killed you, you got on my nerves so much”

“well thanks very fucking much!” I laughed at him as he just gave me the evil grin he had.

“ lets talk about something else shall we? He broached as our salads arrived “is Rachel still as sultry as ever?????”

“Justin, Justin where are you, listen i’ve started getting pains, really bad ones, I think ill go to the hospital, I don’t think its too serious but just in case….call me on my cell mobile okay? I don’t think its serious, don’t worry”

that’s the message I got on my voicemail, recorded an three hours before. Id been taping and recording in the studio, basic sound bites for various radio stations it required my cell to be off.

It was Melina, she didn’t sound like she was in pain, so I did what she said, and I didn’t worry. In fact I went home and went to bed and besides the baby wasn’t due for like another month or so? What was the big deal.

Id managed to fall into a small comatose state when I heard my phone buzz from underneath my pillow.

“Wha” I managed.

“Justin, where the fuck are you? i’ve been looking for you for ages!!” it was Melina’s friend Stacy in a shrill Los Angeles accent.

“what are you yelling’ at me for”
“Melina’s in labour, BIG time, get your ass over to cedar’s right now!”

I woke up completely at that point “are you sure?”

“NO she’s just in there screaming and people are seeing baby heads for no reason.

“heads?”

“No you know what I mean, point is, she’s far on, she wants you here!”

I still had my cell attached to my ear as I slipped on my trainers and dashed out the door.

Not really knowing what I was feeling as I made the drive. Was I excited? Was I scared? I was gonna be dad, I didn’t know if I was ready for this…

All I kept thinking was how much more at ease I would have been had AJ been with me? Or better still, had she been the mother.

So, so, so much easier.

I pulled up at the parking entrance and locked and ran, it took me almost a half hour what with traffic and all.

I had asked Stacy what room to look for, so it made getting past reception real easy.

As I walked up the hallway I heard screaming, but it wasn’t a “in pain” screaming it was more of a sobbing.

“Melina?” I asked her as I saw her, in the arms of her red-headed friend.

“OH GOD Justin I swear…Im sorry I thought…I really…”

“WHAT is wrong?” a shiver of panic crawl up my back I thought at first it was something wrong with the baby, was it okay?”

But then I saw a crib like structure and a small cooing from it.

“Melina?”

“she’s okay….” she said still crying as I walked up to the baby, a girl…

And she wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.

For example - she was an extremely chocolate shaded baby.

“I think they gave you the wrong baby Mel…” ooh I was so naïve. “right?”

“No, Justin…I forgot… I swear! I swore she was yours, but…I forgot.”

“Forgot what?” my voice began to raise.

“I met this guy, this….footballer, he was just a way of getting…over you I guess…but yeah….he was black”
Anita was right, my mom was right…I WAS a idiot.

“so you lied, you flat out lied!!”
“NO! I really thought that with you - id…Im sorry Justin.”
“you’re sorry, you’re SORRY? You stopped my life for the last basically six months, you’ve ruined my relationship with the one woman that actually DID give shit about me, and you’re SORRY?”
she started to cry again. “I didn’t do any of those things, YOU made the choice, you made the choices all on your own you ASS!”

I looked over at the sleeping baby again, sleeping soundly unaware of all the drama that was going on around her.

“I feel sorry for your baby, because you REALLY don’t deserve to be a mother….” I touched the baby’s small hand once.

“if I were you id tell her REAL father, im sure he’d want to know….”

I went to walk out. “she’s beautiful by the way.”

“Justin??”
“yeah?”
“I really am sorry.”

“yeah, baby so am I, like you wouldn’t believe….”

As I walked out of the hospital, in shock more than anything, well… other than anger, hurt, and then back to shock…

At first a baby was the last thing in the world I thought I needed, I was young and in love and happy with AJ, I definitely didn’t need a child with a one night stand. But as the months wore on me, the idea of having a child that was part of me, that I could raise and see grow, and be a part of something that real? It really grew on me, but in the back of my mind I always wondered if she was telling me the truth, I think that’s why I kept putting off the test. A baby was something that needed me, and I liked being needed. I realise now that it’s a trait. Even in the women I choose in my life.

Britney, she was emotionally dependant on me, in many ways she was herself like a child that I felt the need to shelter? As was Cameron, she always needed me for something. Anita didn’t, she was independent, she was her own woman, together and mature.

So I guess when the Melina situation came up, I saw something that I could at the very least try and fix….

I was an idiot, for not listening to the two women that actually were looking out for me, but I shunned then in favour of a woman I didn’t no shit about.

For that I felt a deep shameful embarrassment. How was I meant to face AJ now?
Maybe that’s it, maybe I wasn’t meant to face her - I sure as hell like I couldn’t.