“What do you mean you cant get the invoices through? The fucking party was a week ago, come on!”

I yelled over the phone for the third time that day. “surprise beckham party” had gone on a week before and it had gone great. Mostly because of me and my persistence into getting it the they wanted it, and in the way they wanted it to be shot and perceived for the TV crew they had allowed in for the occasion. I of course managed to “arrange” for the fight that they had both had to be edited out of the show…thankfully otherwise id’a been sacked.

“I mean it, I did my job and I want to be paid for fuck sake? What kind of manager are you?”

When I finally got the answer I wanted I lessened my harsh tone in favour of a sweeter one “thank you, you know I love you really” never be too eager to take the moral high road or burn bridges “I’m guessing you’ll be in touch…good…bye.”

I sighed tiredly as I sat back in my chair. It had been a long day, a long week…a long 2 months…

And ever since the news broke about the Justin baby that never was I had been having trouble sleeping, eating and basically functioning.

At first, when Ken told me that Justin told him to let me be the first one to know before the press release, I wanted to call with a big fat “I TOLD YOU SO!!!” but I just couldn’t. in fact I couldn’t call at all, because I knew the sound of pain in his voice would drag me and my sorry for him heart all the way back to the states….No…fact was he still took a basic strangers side over mine, which meant he didn’t trust me…

And without trust in a relationship, you have nothing. I wasn’t about to go back to being nothing.

I deserved better.

And better seemed to be in the form of my other ex. The other ex that I once loved….but just couldn’t allow myself to love again.

My heart wasn’t listening to my head. My head told me, “move on, he’s a good solid NOT completely fucked up individual, and he loves you…give in…”

My heart on the other hand screamed “NOOOO, you love the fucked up American, you want him to be the father of your children, you want him to be the one you snuggle up too at night…go back to him!!”

Needless to say Justin wasn’t the only fucked up one in my head.

My phone rang again.

“AJ King?”
“well there…you busy sweetheart?”

It was Will.

“flat out….what’s up?”

“well I was hoping we could meet up for a quick lunch?”

“uhh” I checked my blackberry and my appointments “I cant I have a 1:30...working lunch sorry.”

“oh okay. Dinner tonight then? My place?” he sounded hopeful. And I didn’t want to let him down twice.

“okay, what time?”
“8?”

“great…”

“it’s a date!” he giggled at the rhyming.

“I wont be late…” I couldn’t help myself.

“bye AJ.

“bye will.”

It was December 13th and I hadn’t even managed to get any Christmas shopping done. Id been so busy buried in work and getting a “thing” with Will, that I hadn’t had a chance. His company was lovely, and it was constant, since he moved in across the street from me, ironically.

After three more hour long calls and a meeting with my most difficult client I was ready for home.

So I pack on my layers and prepared myself for the cold and the snow that was rapidity falling, I vowed to hit bond street and take care of Rachael and my mothers gifts first. Dad’s was easy….a tie or aftershave. Something traditional, once I bought him a DVD player, and I found it the following year still in the box… apparently “them technological gadgets confused him” so I was back to ties, shirts, and or aftershaves…

As I walked into Harrods I was overwhelmed by the décor, as I was every Christmas in that store. I loved it there.

Id spend a day just walking and looking…I really loved it. For my birthday I remember Justin had it shut down just for the two of us, so I could “have peace to pick my present.”

Like getting MR Mohammad as I called him, to personally shut down his store for us too idiots wasn’t cool enough.

See, there I go again. Id been thinking a lot about him, with Christmas coming up an all. I just wondered how he was…what he was doing…if he was thinking about me?

But of course he wasn’t, id abandoned him.

Justin had serious abandonment issues, whether he admitted it or not. His parents divorce affected him, as did all the other women that trod on his heart foolishly - sadly id become one of them.

But hindsight an all, he didn’t trust me and that was that. The Beatles were wrong, love isn’t all you need…

***************************

“Two more questions and then we have to wrap this up” Ken spoke through the mike on the table, the table that held myself, Sienna and the principle cast of my “British” movie.

The press conference had been called because the première had been arranged and they wanted to milk it as much as possible before the actual release.

“Justin!” one had went up and ken nodded “Paige Tay, sun newspaper” the pretty blonde introduced herself “go ahead..” I spoke up.

“have you any plans to stick around, in the city…we heard you got quite comfortable here whilst filming…”
“well you know, I love the city, the atmosphere is so different, and its refreshing, id like to yes. The people are amazing…with a few exceptions…” I rolled my eyes, since the news of Melina was widespread I felt the need to joke. And thankfully they all laughed.

But Miss Paige continued “what about former gossip editor AJ king? Are the rumours of a reconciliation true? And with that thankfully Ken did his job and cut her off.

I hated the way people just thought like, because there is a mike and an audience that they could get away with just saying any old shit to me.

I got up and walked away as did the rest of the crew. Pure shit, that a film we ALL worked hard on, gets boiled down to my personal life, yet again.

“Justin? You wanna grab some lunch?” the newly bobbed Sienna asked as we both wrapped up in our winter coats.

“Naw im gonna met a friend and head shopping for a little bit, see if I can get something done before the next inquisition starts.” I laughed “see you at 7” we were due to do a TV thing round that time, as far as I remembered.

I hated the cold, but then again I loved winter, and at least the UK had seasons, unlike LA were it was HOT, not so hot, less hot all year around. It kinda sucked. At least here I got to get into the Christmas spirit as much as I could.

Trace had come with me, but since we arrived two days prior, he’s been MIA for most of it. Claiming always to be “visiting friends” but im not being rude here but the dude didn’t have friends…

The only other logical explanation was a woman, but he was never one to keep quite on that front, in fact he LOVED to brag.

God, I hope its not a GUY?

I avoided gazes thankfully since I was covered to my lips in coat and scarf, and a big ass woolly hat to top it off. I was cosy and safe.

“Man, its about fucking time, i’ve been pacing perfumes for ten minutes waiting for you…” I tell my “friend” as he pops up outta nowhere suddenly.

“I Know, im sorry…traffic.”

“Ahuh…”

“Justin I just don’t see why you couldn’t have gotten this place shut like you usually do.”

No, last time I did that…well I wanna remember it…

“No, look I only need something for my dad…what do you think?”

“I’oknow? He’s a banker? Not exactly an exciting prospect…im thinking ties? He always needs those. And besides didn’t you reserve him a boat?”

I laughed as we moved about the superstore “yeah but I need something that’ll fit under the tree….a boat really wont do that, I don’t even wanna try!”

“Id go with tie.”

“cool, ill go do that and you go get something for the girl that’s been giving you some!” I winked.

“who? What?”

“Trace, you aint smooth man, your all - happy an shit…glowy and doe eyed, and I know you aint high….just wondering when you’ll get around to telling me her name is all…” I walked away, in search of the men’s department. And some ties.

*******************

“this one?” the assistant Heather held up another one, this one gold.

“No, he’s not really showy? Something simple….” as we racked through the selection of ties, I just couldn’t decide.

Id already picked out a Prada shirt that he could still wear “down the pub” if he wanted too, what can I say, myself and my mum were the show off’s he just liked to blend.

“Look ill go look for some trousers first and ill get back to you….okay?”

She smiled “my dad’s important to me too, and god only knows the looks I get on Christmas morning…no problem, just let me know if you need me.”
heather, nice girl. I knew her since this was my home from home practically, and she had helped on numerous occasions with the “office party dress disaster”

Long or short? Linen or lined? Shit, who knew men had so much choice?
After ten minutes of looking I settled on black, his favourite - corduroy. But a more snazzy version.

Id make him hip if it killed me.

I was starting to get hot underneath the lights and my comfy hat was making me sweat. As I approached the ties again I took it off, and being me, and me being a twat, I managed to bang into someone whilst I fixed my hair.

“Ooh im sor-”

“No…Im the one that wasn’t look-”

We both looked at each other, shocked into silence.

“hi” he stated - still shocked with the wide eyes.

“hello…” I almost choked. “what…I mean…hi…”

“Hi…” he stated again, before blinking. “ you cut your hair…” he was right, it was shorter now, above my shoulder, and blonder.

“I did…you…shaved it again…” I pointed out.

“yeah” he ran his hand through the buzz cut and sighed “im really surprised to….well, to see you…I mean not that I thought I wouldn’t, I mean you live here, but just HERE now, with…a blue tie?” he babbled his eyes still as striking as they ever were.

He was tan too, which meant fresh from holiday.

He looked seriously shag-gable.

“how are you” I asked.

“im…okay I guess…busy…”

“me too…”

“good, I mean that your…you know?”
“Ahuh….” again with the staring. Till I think he couldn’t take it any longer.

I ruffled my hair, as he stepped closer to me and gently inserted “you never called…” he said in a low voice, tainted with so much sadness I cant even tell you.

“I know…”

“I thought you might have, you know when…well when things….” he sighed “well, you were right about her all along, are you gonna say ‘I told you so?”

“No…i’ve wanted too, but no…”
“why didn’t you…”

“call?”
he nodded

“well…why didn’t you?”

He shuffled his feet “I don’t know, when we landed here, its all I wanted to do….but I got scared”

“of what?…me?”

“No…of….” he shuffled again, typical man, avoidance!!!!

“Of????” I pushed, I knew what it was, I just wanted to hear him say it.

“you maybe not wanting me to call you…”

ARE YOU THICK?

“Oh….”

He looked at the tie. “Is that for your….well your…”
“No…my dad…”

“Oh…me too!” he held up one almost identical to the one I chose.

“look could we maybe have dinner, tonight?…catch up?” his tone became slightly more hopeful than before.

DAMN

“uh…”

“I know its short notice….”

“No, its not that, its…as much as this isn’t for a someone….” I motioned to the tie, “I have been seeing someone…casually…but there is a someone.”

His eyes changed, flinched almost “ooh, I see…god of course there is….Im an idiot…I just…well…never mind then…” he mumbled in a small voice - as if he was talking to himself.

“its not….well I mean its…”
“No…Please…” he braced my two arms “don’t go into details…it might just kill me.”

“J…”

“No…really…Look I gotta go, but it was nice seeing you again…really.” he rubbed my arms through his gloves. He looked so cute all wrapped up.

“maybe we could catch up over lunch?” I offered

“you sure HE wont mind?”
“Since when do I consult?”
he smiled, “id love to, but I think it be best if we didn’t…considering”

Considering? Considering what?

“oh…well okay…”

“it was really nice to see you again Anita.” and with that he leaned into kiss me on the cheek and I swear, it wasn’t the heat that was making me sweat.

And with that he was the one that walked away.

Leaving me confused.

And horny as hell…how is that possible, from a kiss on the CHEEK?

:)