"No…"

"Ma, please? Ive been working forever, I just wanna chill."

She looked at me, hands on hips, "Justin, your friends have put a lot of effort into this, don't you think you should at least show up?"

My birthday was the day before, and I thought id persuaded my mom to cancel on the party plans…I guess I was wrong.

"I don't feel like being centre of attention right now…" I plopped myself on the leather couch.

"You NOT want attention, sweet lord Jesus I think this is a first for you child…" she smiled.

"Mom, please?"

She rolled her eyes, "okay, but you realise that you have to tell me why before I call any one with excuses…whats wrong?"

"Nothin' like I said, im fine."

"Bullshit Justin, this your mother you're talking to remember that, Trace said something about a girl?"

Little +*@%.

"I just don't feel like talking about it. Im sorry."

"Then im sorry, but I don't feel like calling anyone to cancel anything…" she got up, just when I wondered were I got my stubborn streak from, and walked into the kitchen.

"MA!!!" I dragged my ass off the spot on the couch. "Fine. Yeah there was this chick…In London that I was sorta seeing."

"The girl you were bringing home the one you told me about that one time?" she handed me a glass of milk.

"Well yeah it was her…Anita…she was, special I guess."

"How so?"

"I trusted her, but I shouldn't have…I mean she was lying to me mom, from the first time I met her, she lied."

"She was married?"

"No."

"Seeing someone?"

"No…"

"Had a kid?"

"No, she was a journalist for a tabloid and she didn't tell me."

She "ooh'd" as she took a seat at the table. "I see…did she use you for a story?"

"No, but her boss got wind of us being together and she wanted to do one."

"Did she agree?"

"Um, well she said she didn't. She actually said she was gonna quit if her boss ran it…"

Her eyes widened.

"You two must have been serious then for her to risk her career for you."

Funny, I was too selfish to look at it like that.

"Are you taking her side?"

"No baby im not, but if this is the girl you were telling me about that time…you seemed real content when you talked about her…"

Truth was, I was happy.

"I know…"

"But so she lied about her job, maybe she just didn't want you to judge her, just because of what she did for a living?"

"You are taking her side!"

"No, im just saying. Your always complaining that the press objectify you, they box you just like they do every other young musician your age, well no offence honey, but isn't that precisely what you are doing with her?"

"Mom, I really don't need this now?"

"Just listen, that's all…isn't it? She seemed nice, she's willing to give up her career in order to save face with you, she's willing to give up, what im guessing she worked her ass off for - for you?"

"So?"

She raised her eyebrow at me, "OH I know I didn't raise a selfish child, so Im gonna pretend I DON'T know the selfish man in front of me…"

God she was dramatic, wasn't she?

"Mom no offence but you have no idea what you're talking about."

She sighed, "You were falling hard for this one weren't you?"

"Um, no…of course not!" I moved from under her judgemental gaze. "I wasn't. It was just a ridiculous fling, that's all."

"Uuhk…if that's the case, then why are you taking it so bad."

"I am not, im fine…don't I look fine?" I managed one of my "bullshit" smiles.

"Baby, you've been moping since you got here. You hardly talk to any one and now you of all people - don't want to celebrate…"
"Im just exhausted, okay?"

She gave up, "fine, if you say so…just don't lie to your mother about these things, you know ill worm it out of you sooner or later…" she smiled handing me some chocolate cake.

"Trace'll be here in ten minutes, get showered, you gotta go see John and Stephen."

********

"You have to get up!"

"No I really don't, im on holidays remember I can't lie here on my pasty arse ALL day if I want to, you're the one that has to work."

"Anita, please? It's been three days and you haven't changed from those P'js….im concerned, your self grooming habits have taken a dive."

"So?? Its not I have anything to get up for…" I reached for the remote again, she swiped it off me.

"OI! Give that back!"

"No, not until you shower, and do your hair and make up…ill take a sicki, and we can go up Bond Street and blow my little bonus on some new shoes."

"No…"

"Come on…ill make it worth your while. Ive seen those Marc Jacobs you've had your eyes on…Ill treat you."

I looked up finally. Those shoes were incredible.

"Cant you just go get them and bring them to me?" I hoped.

"Noooo, I mean I might just reach for a pair in MY size…and what a terrible thing that would be, id be wearing them all over the house…and NOT YOU!" she smiled something evil.

"UGH! Fine…give me ten minutes…" I dragged my feet as I made my way to the shower. And when I said ten minutes I meant an hour.

I hadn't showered or dressed since he left. Gross I know but I just didn't feel like I had any reason too.

None, I was alone and that's how it was meant to be. I was meant to die and old spinster in my p'js with a million and one cats eating at my decomposing remains....

I hadn't answered any of Fi's calls, simply because if someone mentioned his name to me I think id combust.

Id done nothing but think about him, just…thinking.

It's a dangerous pass time…for me anyway. I clearly didn't do it often.

I even considered calling him, just to wish him happy birthday. But then I thought against it, since it was late-ish his time, not the best thing to do if I didn't want a label of "stalker" attached to the "lying +%%@@" I already had attached at my head.

*********************

"See this is good isn't it?" Rachel tried to pep me as we walked alone the streets all bundled up in our coats scarf's and boots.

"I suppose. Id much rather be watching friends right now though…" I huffed.

"It's a repeat, they all are these days."

"I know, but still…"

"I know, I shouldn't bring this up…but have you heard from Justin since?"

Uhggghghghghghhg

"No, and I don't think I will either. It's just not something that im expecting, since im still a tabloid journalist and all?"

"I am sorry you're hurting…" she nudged me.

"Thanks…Now point me in the direction of shoes, and possibly ice cream!" I managed a smile for the first time in three days, and it faded the moment I came face to face with him….or should I say his promo for the OTHER film he had coming out…

"Ignore…walk on…" Rachel said dragging me away from it.

This was going to be tougher than I thought.

******
I didn't see why I had to do this; I mean I was 25 for @*+* sakes, not 15! If I - a grown ass man, didn't want to party, surely I had the right to just sit my ass at home and eat! But Noooo, mommy dearest just but the kibosh on all my relaxing plans and was currently waiting for me at the foot of the stair case.

Sure this time it wasn't a "party" like I was used to, it was dinner. In a really swank restaurant with everyone I think id ever met.

Ok, so maybe not. But it was most of my friends and the majority of my family.

"You coming Justin?"

"Be right there…" I adjusted my jeans again so that they sat just right on my self. I pulled on my WR jacket that I just couldn't be without and I looked for my beanie.

"Mom, where's my black beanie??"

"I have it…"

I looked around my bedroom in search of my phone.

That took me right back to the night before. Right after I got "let loose" from the death grip that was Trace. He insisted we "party like @*+*". Needless to say I just didn't feel like it.

But I did it, because im a people pleaser and the one thing people pleasers hate - is not pleasing.

When I finally got home, I fought the urge in my drunken state - to call her.

With the time difference it would have only been 10ish her time. Not late, and id hoped she'd be home.

I dialled codes; I dialled her number….All but the last digit. Numerous times.

The yearning just to hear her voice again washed over me several times since id left England.

But then as soon as id fantasize of her just being with me…Id remember why she wasn't.

She betrayed my trust, she lied and in the past I had more than enough women lie their way into my heart, only to get in fully - and smash it open.

No, not this time. This time id be smart.

I just had to forget about her.

I mean in reality it wasn't anything amazing was it? It was a month, at the most.

A month is nothing, in the great scheme of things, nothing.

But it wasn't nothing though was it? She was….amazing.

And I don't just mean in the physical, sexual sense either.

She was witty, sarcastic, she fought for what she wanted….and she wanted me?

I liked that she'd call, and if I was in a "prissy" as she called it - mood, then she'd just hang up and wait for me to come to my senses.

She said she hated dealing with assholes, she wasn't about to have phone sex with one…

It always stood out as funny. She stood her ground with me. Most girls didn't, in fact most girls just gave me anything I wanted - when I wanted it, how I wanted it.

Sure it sounds fun, but ehh it gets really mind-numbing after a while.

I like a challenge and let's face it I couldn't say she wasn't at least that….

"So, J how's London?"

"Still there…" I answered my cousin Rachel with a severe tone.

"So….whats its like, the movie…talk man! Your bein' way too quiet…it just isn't normal."

"Im sorry…" I wiped my mouth with my napkin, "you're right…Im being a total Wanker aren't I?"

"A what?" she squinted at me. Before Trace butted in.

"He's picking up the cockney slang in good old en-ga-land." He mocked an accent - badly.

"Y'all just wait, Justin will come back at the end of this all posh and whatnot!!" my cousin Nick added. "Don't dude, just for the record!"

"I wont, it's just hard…I feel like ive been there forever…but it's only been a few months…"

"But you miss the states right?"

"Sure…I miss here like crazy, I miss my place in LA…but the culture is SO different over there…they just don't give a +*@%! I love it!"

"Are the girls cool?" Trace added, with an evil look in his eye. I swear if I didn't know he was a meddling little bastard id deck him one.

"Yeah…"

"Met anyone interesting?" Rachel pipped up without knowing and I just grew instantly uncomfortable.

"umm…yes…I mean I suppose you could say that?"

"Who?"

"It's not important y'all…lets move on." I looked up and my mom was staring right at me, with her judging eyes. Sure she wanted more details, but I just wasn't up for giving it.

"What have you all being up too?"

"Ooh! I met someone!"

"Great nick, im glad your people skills are improving - moving on from the sulking in the shadows to actual people/people contact." I scoffed.

"No, her name is Linda…she's really cool."

"Hot?"

He just looked at me with the "as if" "What do you think…she's so hot man, it should be a crime!"

"Honey, when do we get to met her?" my mother began sipping her wine again.

"I don't know it's only been a while…we aren't really anything serious yet….So I dunno, maybe soon?"

"Justin!" Trace spoke up, smirking. "About English girls, you know how they're ALL smokin' right? I mean the accent, the self-confidence…the class and all that" he began to blether.

"Your point?"

"Are you telling me you didn't 'hook up' with ANY one?" my mother smirked again, I knew something was up.

"Why don't you just ask me what you wanna ask me already trace." I was more than mildly irritated.

He put down his napkin "So why didn't you bring that girl home?"

"There was a girl THAT serious?" Rachel asks mid bite.

I suddenly felt ganged up upon.

"Um…No…well yeah kinda but it didn't work out so. Can we please drop it?"

I think they all knew from my tone that they had to drop it.

And I finally made it through the rest of the meal in peace.

Sure there was tension, there was looks but at that point I just didn't care.

&&&&&

"I love that show…"

"Me too, look I just don't know why they cancelled it!"

"I love jack!"

"He's great, I just don't get the Grace thing though; she's just NOT that funny! I think that after it's over they should make it the Karen and Jack show."

As I spooned my millionth spoonful of Ben & Jerry's into my mouth I sat back in the recliner again. "Im so tired, who knew shopping and watching DVDs could be SO demanding."

"So, you think you'll actually sleep tonight then?"

"What?" I looked at her.

"Well its just, this last few nights ive noticed you…up at all hours, and pottering around…I just know you haven't been sleeping lately, that's all."

Yeah, she had me there.

"Im sorry, it's just…I have been having bother sleeping, I think it's just…ive had a lot on my mind that's all."

"Justin?"

"Yes and no…I mean I miss him, SO much it's insane to think a month ago I didn't even know him, and now it's like my life feel so much emptier without him…"

She nodded

"But it's not just that rach, it's like…Fi was on the phone to me again today. She still wants to run the story…I really don't want her too. But she says if I do, and if I give her "anonymous" quotes that's she'd give at least 100-000."

"Jesus, that's a lot of money."

"I know, if I did it, it would make things easier I could buy a house maybe in the country…I could just organise myself a little better, you know?"

"But?"

I took a deep breath, "But I can't do it. And I told her that too. If she runs it, im quitting."

"Really?"

"I have too, on the principle of it alone rach, he was in my life and I in his…it was private."

"But people worship him, they want to know these things…it's what gossip was created for."

"I know, but I just couldn't live with myself if I knew I had something to do with his name being dragged all over the press for some "fling" that didn't even mean that much to either of us."

Sure I lied, but id been doing that a lot lately, and scarily I was actually beginning to believe myself at times.

"Ive been submitting my CV to all these papers for the last few months actually. So leaving the news paper has very little to do with Justin…I mean it adds to it, but it wasn't the definitive reason."

"Where?"

"Broadsheets mostly. Serious essential journalism"

"Wouldn't you be bored?"

"No…well maybe a little. I have to admit working for that paper I did get a taste of salacious gossip, and I liked it, but it's an entirely different thing when its you, I see now really why so many of them spit nails over it. The only difference is they worked for the attention, I didn't."

"What about TV? I think you'd make a great host…a talk show maybe?"

"On what exactly?"

"Everything, that's the format these days isn't it? A mix of everything in one…don't you think? And it's not like you don't have the experience…"

Ok for the record, a minor in TV studies and three months "work experience" at channel 4, was a MILLION years ago….Okay, five, but still.

"No…"

"Why not? You have the smarts, the personality. The whole shebang."

You know you could set your hand to anything you'd like, with your background, it would be easy…"

"No it really wouldn't, I mean the only real skill ive honed in on in the last 3 years is looking after spoilt self righteous "stars" that all have the talent of maggots and the egos of a god!"

Wait, maybe there was an option, PR baby, its what I technically did at the paper any ways right? Only this time it would be on my terms!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$