Rachel Bass stood in the living room of her apartment in LA. In the corner of the room stood the Christmas tree she had spent weeks searching for. It had to be perfect. Her brother had called her crazy as he and his husband Michael helped her haul it into her apartment. He, of all people, should understand. His obsession with Halloween was like none other. It was so bad that Michael put a stipulation this year. Lance was only allowed to buy one new decoration a week.

Rachel differed from her brother. She didn't buy up a lot of decorations. She already had what she wanted. She loved decorating her house. Each item she pulled out of totes had a place. There was a wreath on her door. Christmas rugs on kitchen floor. A Nativity scene on top of her hutch. Hand towels hanging from the towel rack in the bathroom. What tied everything together was the tree. It was beautiful. More than five strands of lights wrapped around its branches. She loved a bright tree and always put a lot of lights on each year. Ornaments hung from nearly every branch; all perfectly placed. An angel sat atop the tree. Tinsel finished off the product. It was probably the best tree she ever had paired with the best decoration job she'd ever done.

The lights were off though. It looked like post Christmas depression had set it. When the presents had all been opened. When all that was left under the tree were scraps of paper and a forgotten lid to a clothing box. When the branches drooped as if the tree knew it had done its job and the big day had passed. The tree would limp its way to the Epiphany when it would finally be put out of its misery. It was only December 22nd. Christmas was still three days away. Yet the lights were off. The cheer was sucked out of the room. She couldn't find it in herself to lean down and plug the cord into the outlet. She couldn't find it in herself to light the candles she had placed in the house. This year the scent was spiced gingerbread. It reminded her of childhood Christmases when her mother would bake cookies. The house would smell all day long.

The excitement of the holiday had begun right after Thanksgiving. While everyone was out trying to find the best deals, she was pulling out her Christmas decorations and planning what cookies she wanted to bake. She always had the staple Christmas desserts: Yule log, gingerbread man cookies, fudge, Christmas bark, and of course cutout cookies for frosting. Every year she'd always bake a lot of cookies on top of that. She'd hand them out to her friends and neighbors. Take some to the fire department and police station. Everyone always got baked goods from her. This year she had baked even more so she could take them with her. The containers still set on her table. Each with a name tag depicting whose were who. There was one for Karen and Roy. One for Tyler and Sarah. Another for Heather and Drew. Each held their favorites. The knowledge acquired from knowing the Chasez family since she was 12 when Lance had been selected to join NSYNC. Twenty-three years ago. She was supposed to spend the holidays in Florida with JC and his family.

Supposed to.

That wasn't happening. JC and Jennifer, his girlfriend, flew out this morning. An empty seat beside them. Or filled with a stranger once the airline realized she wasn't boarding. She had been uninvited. Rachel had known bad news was coming when JC had shown up on her doorstep. Being best friends for ten years, she could read JC like a book. Nothing prepared her for his words.

‘It would be better if you didn't come.'

What was she supposed to say? What was she supposed to do? Apparently there had been talk both in JC's family and in Jennifer's as to why she was tagging along. JC tried to sugarcoat the words. She was sure he left out most of the story. She wasn't sure if she was grateful for that or not. She wasn't sure if she was angry either. JC could have stuck up for her. She was coming along because she was his best friend. She was part of the Chasez family. Most of all, she didn't have anywhere else to go.

Stacy, her older sister, and her family were traveling to Colorado for the winter break. Ford's family had decided to spend the holiday skiing and having a white Christmas. The lodge had been booked the previous Christmas. It was always known Stacy wasn't going to be part of the next year's Christmas plans. There was still her parents and Lance.

Then her parents had told her they were going on a cruise with friends in town. They were taking over the tickets of another couple who had been unable to go do to health reasons. Her mother told her they wouldn't have considered it, but Lance told them he was going to Miami to spend the holidays with Michael's family. JC had offered her his family for the holidays. She had jumped at the chance and everyone had been happy.

Until they weren't.

Rachel had told JC not to worry about it. She lied the next day and told him she was going to Colorado. Stacy had offered the couch in her room. She hadn't. JC didn't need to know about the little fib. Lance had wished her safe travels and to have fun in Orlando with JC's family. She didn't have the heart to tell him. Then he would have felt obligated to cancel his plans. He and Michael were excited to be going to Miami. So she let him believe she was going to Orlando.

There had been no way she could tell her parents. They had been even more excited than Lance and Michael about the cruise and had planned their days at ports out as soon as they'd committed to the tickets. She hadn't the heart to tell them she was alone either. Her parents would have canceled their plans in a heartbeat to welcome her into their arms and home. She couldn't do that to them. They deserved the week away. After years of kids and then grandkids, they deserved the stress free holiday.

The friends she was comfortable enough to crash the holiday weren't in town. Or they were like Joey and Melissa Fatone. The whole family had descended upon them. His and hers. Rachel thought Melissa was nuts but right now she was jealous. Jealous of the fact that her friend had a huge family around her. Jealous of the fact that even if the extended family hadn't flown to California, her friend wouldn't have been alone. She would have had Joey and their three kids. She would never spend a holiday alone.

Not like her.

Stacy, six years older, already had her family. Leighton was already 12. Her nephews right behind her at 8 and 9. Lance, who was four years older, and Michael were in the process of starting their family. When they finally found the perfect egg donor, it was gonna be twins. Her cousins had been settled down with families for years.

Even JC had a family. He had been dating Jennifer for three years now. Almost four. It had been his longest relationship. Soon he would be announcing his engagement. There would be a wedding and eventually babies. His own family.

It was just her.

Bass party of one.

She was odd person out at everything. She was the permanent third wheel. The one who still sent generic Christmas cards that came in a box from Hallmark because she didn't have a family photo to put on the front. How pathetic would it be to send a Christmas photo card? What would it say? ‘Merry Christmas from The Bass Family' That would be a lie. One person does not make a family. ‘Merry Christmas from Rachel Bass' She might as well get a dozen cats.

The Christmas decorations in her house used to make her so happy. Lance had once joked she left tinsel wherever she went from Thanksgiving to New Years. She couldn't dispute his claim. Christmas music played nonstop. Today was different. The decorations failed to make her happy. None of them could draw the tiniest of smiles. Her place was silent. No music drifted from room to room. There was no Bing Crosby. No Nat King Cole. No Burl Ives. No Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.

Rachel knew she was probably overreacting. Plenty of people in the world were alone on Christmas and they probably didn't act like she did. She wasn't the only person in the world who had plans fall through. It was one day. It didn't matter it was her favorite day of the year. It didn't matter that the day brought back all the memories she loved as a child. It didn't matter that she'd give anything to have those days and that innocence back.

Back when there was still a Santa Claus. Back when cookies and milk where left on the coffee table. Back when she, Lance, and Stacy tried to stay up as late as possible in hopes of catching Santa. They never did. Some mornings they'd wake up on their bedroom floors against the door where they'd fallen asleep the night before peeking out the crack in their doors. Back when they dressed up to attend Midnight Mass. When it was school Christmas concerts and handmade ornaments from school. When Santa's secret gift shop was still a thing and the jewelry turned fingers green. To Saturday morning cartoons. To walkmans and VCRs. To climbing trees and broken wrists. Sleepovers at Grandma's. Growing up all she wanted to do was to be able to sit at the adult table. No one told her that once she was allowed it would all be different.

Now it was quick texts. Short phone calls. And I can't make it for a visit this time. It was expensive gifts that didn't mean anything. It was stress shopping to find the perfect gift knowing the person can just buy what they want. It was fake smiles and snide remarks whispered behind backs. It was long lines and inconsiderate, rude people. It was standstill traffic and horn blares. It was can't make it, we're staying home and doing it as a family this year. Just us. It was dwindling Christmas cards and yearly letters in favor of snap shots with holiday greetings posted on the preferred social media site.

Rachel felt a little piece inside of her die. Like she had lost something. It was like the moment in the movie Trolls which she had seen dozens of times thanks to Melissa's kids, where Poppy lost her color. The whole Christmas silver and gold, red and green aura she had around her was no longer. It was grey.

*~*

Christmas donned a lot different than Rachel had expected. There was no smell of coffee wafting through the house. Roy and Karen were big coffee drinkers. A habit JC had picked up. A pot of coffee was always on at their house no matter the time of day. Her parents were the same way. They always liked to enjoy a cup of coffee before bed. She picked up the habit in law school. Coffee was the only stimulant that kept her awake to study. The only legal stimulant anyway.

No movement came from the house. Which Rachel supposed was a good thing since she was alone and movement meant someone was inside who wasn't supposed to be. Roy and Karen were early risers. They'd have been up for hours by now. She would have heard the low rumble of conversation. There was no breakfast cooking. The smells enticing the late risers to wake and come downstairs.  

There were no decorations. Try as she might, she couldn't leave her decorations up. So on Christmas Eve, she spent the whole day moving room to room packing away her decorations for the year. The only thing left was the Christmas tree in the corner - void of all its ornaments and lights. It would be gone too, but she couldn't take it out of her apartment by herself. It would be here until she could get help, mocking her.

The TV was off. A Christmas Story wasn't playing on repeat like it was every year. She didn't even have the Yule Log channel on with a fire burning on the screen complete with the popping and crackling sounds, while Christmas music played. It was quiet. No noise came from the other apartments. Most of the occupants were gone. Off visiting family. Even the street outside was silent. No one was on the road. They were tucked into their houses enjoying Christmas morning. Parents still in their pajamas, drinking coffee, smiles on their faces watching kids rip the wrapping paper from dozens of boxes.

It was sort of like that for her. She was tucked on her couch in her pajamas with a hot cup of coffee. Instead of wrapping paper strewn everywhere she had papers laid out all over her coffee table and couch. Her laptop open in the middle. A yellow legal pad with a pen next to it. Work was always there for her.

Rachel had decided to become a lawyer after seeing what Lance had gone through with Lou Pearlman and Trans-Continental. It turned out young kids got taken advantage of all the time in the entertainment business. In order to make sure what happened to Lance and the rest of the guys didn't happen again, she started her own practice. She represented those young kids and parents who were new to entertainment, who had no idea what they were getting in to. Who had stars in their eyes. She also became Lance's lawyer helping with whatever endeavors he put his hands in. Aside from Lance, she looked over anything JC brought her.

None of her work was pressing, but what else did she have to do? She'd start off the New Year ahead of the game. Of course if she spent the entire holiday vacation working she'd have nothing for Casey, her intern, to do when she returned. What could she do though? There was nothing for her to do but work. Aquaman was playing in theaters. She could go and drool over Jason Momoa, but what fun was that alone? She and Melissa had made plans to do that together when she had returned from Florida.

It was work and when that was done, she could hit some of the hiking trails. When that didn't work, there was also her Roseanne DVDs. With twelve days to fill, there was also her Golden Girls DVDs. She could also finish watching CSI she had started binging a few months ago. There were plenty of things she could do. The problem was she just didn't want to do any of them. She wanted to be surrounded by family and friends. She had wanted to go for a drive around the neighborhood where Roy and Karen lived looking at decorations. She wanted to sing along to Christmas music. She wanted the laughter and conversation. Family. Togetherness.

By early afternoon Rachel had combed through three client files and was working on a fourth when her phone rang. She'd already spoken with her parents and Stacy. She spun a tale on what she had done in Orlando and how her Christmas was going and what was planned for later. It was so good in fact, she contemplated becoming a defense lawyer. Her lies wouldn't be found out. Her family thought she was with JC. JC thought she was with Stacy. Stacy was the one person she knew JC wouldn't actively seek out and call. They were more acquaintances, less friends. Unless Lance called JC instead of sending a generic holiday greeting over his group text, no one would know.

"How is Christmas is Miami?" Rachel asked as she answered her phone.

"Probably the same as it is in Orlando," Lance's deep voice tumbled over the connection. "Hot and blue skies as far as the eye can see. Sure doesn't feel like Christmas."

‘You're telling me.' Rachel thought. "One of these years we're gonna have to go somewhere and experience a white Christmas."

"We tried that. Remember our trip to Dollywood?" Lance laughed. "It didn't snow once the whole two weeks we were there."

Rachel chuckled at the memory from a few years ago. The plan had been to vacation in a place where it would snow for the holidays. Living in Mississippi they hadn't experienced a true white Christmas. Now she and Lance lived in California. Another state that didn't experience a white Christmas. They chose Tennessee and Dollywood. Everyone had been excited. The kids hadn't been able to contain their excitement at being able to play in the snow. The weather had other plans. It was a mild winter and they didn't even need to wear their gloves or hats. It was warmer in Dollywood than it had been in Jackson, Mississippi. "Guess we should do what Stacy did this year and go where we know there will be snow."

"Yeah but after this, doubtful Stacy will want to go back to the snow."

That was true. Stacy hadn't sounded too happy when they spoke. After only four days at the ski lodge she was over the snow and the cold. Rachel hadn't felt sorry for her sister. She could send the kids out with any number of people and cozy up under a blanket in front of the fire - a real fire, not a fake TV fire - with her husband. Cuddling with yourself wasn't much fun.

"It's awfully quiet there." Lance spoke, causing her to jump. She'd been lost in thought thinking about a blanket, a fire, and cuddling. Her head was the only place it would ever happen.

"Oh I stepped outside away from the noise." Rachel said quickly. She should have turned on the TV to create some noise. She briefly wondered if there was a video on YouTube that provided background noises that imitated a party. If there wasn't, someone needed to invent one. "How's it going with the in-laws?" She stuck her pen through her messy ponytail and leaned back against the couch listening as Lance talked about they days he spent in Miami. Last minute gift shopping last night and what had happened so far on Christmas Day.

"I can't believe you went to Target on Christmas Eve. You're nuts."

"It made me want to start my Christmas shopping in January," Lance laughed. "So how's it going with your in-laws?"

Rachel gave a strangled laugh. "My in-laws?"

"Yeah," Lance chuckled. "You talk to Karen more than you talk to Mom."

"I do not." It was probably the same amount.

"You spend more time with them than I do with Michael's parents."

‘Not anymore.' Rachel thought. They didn't want her at their house for Christmas.

"I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't get your own mention in the Christmas newsletter." Lance laughed.

"That's not even funny." Rachel told him feeling a stab of pain in her heart. She wondered how her Christmas letter would read? ‘Got another cat this year. That's four now....'

"Are you okay?" Lance asked. His laugh stuttered to a halt when he didn't hear an echoing laugh from his younger sister. They'd been doing this joke for years now. As a joke one year he had sent her adult adoption papers indicating Roy and Karen adopting her. It had been funny and worth the earful he had received from their mom.

"I'm fine." Rachel said, silently cursing herself. She knew the phone call with Lance would be harder to get through than her parents' or Stacy's. Lance could always read her more easily. "The joke's getting old Lance. Roy and Karen aren't my in-laws."

"Because he's an idiot."

"No," Rachel sighed, rubbing her forehead. "No he's not." She wasn't sure how many people figured out her feelings for JC. Her parents knew. As did Lance and Stacy. JC had a clue she was sure, but he never said a word. When she first realized her feelings she laughed it off a silly little crush on her older brother's friend. After all, what sister didn't crush on their older brother's friend? But the years went by and the crush continued to grow. Nothing ever came of it. Nothing ever would. She was Lance's little sister. Not girlfriend material.

"It is the age thing because that's dumb as hell." Lance continued. "Michael and I are eight years apart and look at us? Age means nothing. They are just numbers."

"Right now it might be the girlfriend he's had for oh I don't know almost four years now." Rachel could feel the headache coming on. "Just drop it Lance. Stop the jokes. Stop the teasing. It's not funny. It just reminds me of how sad and pathetic I am."

Lance was silent. Rachel closed her eyes holding her breath; holding the tears. Normally she would have laughed off his jokes. Any other day she could. Not today. Not when she was already vulnerable. "What did Santa bring?"

Rachel released her breath when Lance dropped the subject and told her about the gifts everyone had received and the ones he had given. The bullet had been dodged. For now.

Another bullet had to be dodged a couple hours later when JC called. It was nearing dinner time in Florida. She could hear all the commotion in the background and once again felt the pain in her chest. The silence in her apartment was deafening compared to the sounds coming through JC's phone.

"Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas JC." She couldn't keep the smile out of her words. It was probably best. It would give off the semblance that she was having a good time on her nonexistent trip to Colorado.

"How's Colorado?"

"Cold and snowy. Freezing." Rachel named off the adjectives Stacy had used when she called; though she left off a few of the vulgar ones. She thought it was best. JC's chuckle came through the phone and she closed her eyes at the sound. "How's it there? Wait. Let me guess. Hot and sunny."

"As usual." JC laughed. "Florida never changes. I was telling Mom and Dad how you were the smartest one out of everyone."

She was actually pretty dumb. "How do you figure that?"

"You're the only one getting a white Christmas out of everyone. We're here in Florida. Lance is here. Your parents are cruising on the Caribbean."

Rachel looked at the window in her living room. There was no white Christmas in LA. "Actually Stacy's the smartest one. She's vacationing where there is snow. I'm just like that uncle that's in every family. He's gotta come for the holidays, he's family. Yet no one wants to put him up and it becomes a fight of ‘I had him at my house last year. It's your turn.' Or a tag-along. Like when you finally get permission to hang out with your friends but as soon as you open the door to leave, your mother calls out ‘take your sister with you.' Then you're walking six steps behind them so not to make it look like you're part of their group."

JC was silent and Rachel cringed again palming her forehead. After this phone call she was turning her phone off before she could say something else equally as stupid. Her brain to mouth filter was apparently broken. She hadn't even broken out the wine yet.

"That's not what happened this year."

‘It sort of is,' Rachel thought. JC's parents didn't want her there. Whichever family member she called would have felt obligated to take her in. After all, she's family.

"Rachel..." JC started and walked from the living room away from the commotion of his entire family. He slid open the door to the back deck and stepped out. "That's not even remotely true."

"I know." She didn't. "Don't mind me. Wine flows freely here. I thought wine would make me a better skier."

"All the wine in Colorado couldn't make you a better skier." JC wanted to talk more about Rachel's statement, but he let her change the subject. "How is the skiing?"

"The snow seems less forgiving this year. You know the children's chopsticks you get at Chinese restaurants with the wrapper rolled up and stuffed between the sticks and held with a rubber band? You think they make children's skis like that I could use?" She smiled hearing his laugh in her ear.

"I don't think banding your skis together would be a smart option."

"No," Rachel mused. "I'd probably have to rubber band myself to a ski instructor. I wonder if they do tandem skiing. Kind of like tandem skydiving."

"That's a little drastic don't you think?"

"Tell that to my bruised behind. I go on the bunny slopes with Keagan and Kellen. I go first and they wave as they pass me after I go ass over tea kettle." The stories flow from her lips, further egged on by his laughter. "They ski so good, they graduated off the kiddie slopes. While I'm stuck with five year olds giving me pointers, my nephews are ready for the Olympics."

JC chuckled. "When I get back, we'll hit up Big Bear or Mammoth."

She'd have to find her skis first. She thought they were in the back of her closet. Or maybe under the bed in the spare bedroom. She didn't know.

"Oh yeah. Start off the year with humiliation."

"It won't be that bad." JC chided. "How about we hit up Big Bear? It's only a three hour drive. We'll go over there and spend the day."

"JC..."

"Come on. Let me try to make up for what happened here."

"You don't have to do that." Rachel said softly. "It's fine. It all worked out. You're spending the holidays with your family and I...I'm with mine."

"Rachel-"

"It's okay, JC. Really. I should let you go." ‘Before I say something I shouldn't.' "You should get back to your family."

"You're my family too." JC said firmly.

"Yeah." ‘But not really'

"What's going on?" JC asked. "This isn't like you. It's Christmas Day. It's your favorite time of the year. What's Lance say? You leave tinsel wherever you go?"

"Must have lost it on the slopes when I fell. You know like Sonic The Hedgehog loses his coins?"

"What did Santa bring you?" JC asked, desperate to not only prolong the call but see what he could find out. Something was going on.

Rachel's laugh was forced. She looked at her tree. Void of decorations. The tree skirt already packed up. Beneath the tree was empty. There were no presents. Her stocking had been packed up as well. There had been no excitement waking up to see what Santa had left under the tree or to see gifts under the tree in their brightly wrapped packages and bows. She had mailed off her gifts to her parents and Stacy's family so they'd receive them before they left. She had received theirs last week.  She, Lance, and Michael had exchanged gifts before they left for Miami. Her and JC had done it the day before he left. "Santa either couldn't find me or I didn't make the nice list this year."

"What?" JC asked dumbly. "You didn't have anything under the tree?"

"It's alright. I wasn't expecting anything." If she didn't expect anything she wouldn't be disappointed. Right? "Stacy and I had already done our gifts. And I don't know Ford's family all that well. It's not like they were prepared for a tagalong anyway."

"Stop calling yourself that." JC snapped. Something was definitely wrong. He couldn't remember a time - especially during Christmas - when Rachel sounded this gloomy. Not for the first time he wished he was with her. "It's quiet there. What's everyone doing?"

"Oh. Everyone is sort of off doing their own thing. Just sort of scattered." Rachel hoped he didn't ask for details. She hadn't researched the place to lie with specifics. First rule of lying was to be vague. "I really didn't feel like skiing. I might bundle up and take a walk. It really is beautiful here."

"I can't believe they just left you alone." JC said angrily. It was Christmas Day; the day to be surrounded by family.

"It's their family vacation JC. They're out doing things. Making memories. It is what it is. It would be no different than if I had come to Orlando with you."

"Bullshit."

"JC-"

"It would not have happened. I wouldn't have left you alone today of all days. And I would have made sure you had gifts under the tree this morning. You would have been included in everything because you're family. My family. You're not some tagalong or someone I feel obligated to include." JC ran a hand over his face. The frustration evident. "Man you have me worked up. I'm gonna go before I say something I shouldn't. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Yeah. Okay." The pain started right beneath her rib cage and travelled up until it became a lump in her throat.

"Merry Christmas."

"Yeah. Merry Christmas." Rachel echoed. The phone beeped in her ear signaling the call had ended. The phone wasn't even away from her ear before the tears came.