Chapter 15

It was pretty damn amazing how everything happened this morning. I’m still not really sure whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. For me it meant a lot, I found myself on the verge of tears when we landed and I saw it all. But Sarah, who’s face had been plastered against the window from the moment we got into the plane until we landed, didn’t know what to do. I’m not sure if she slept on the plane, but I think I remember feeling her head on my shoulder at some point. I slept most of the flight, but when we landed and there was a huge crowd I realized this was going to be much more difficult than I thought. Sarah has no idea about fame. I wanted to try and explain it to her using some Disney analogy but her doctor in South Africa told me I needed to steer away from that, to stop playing on her old habits. They gave me a crash course in handling someone with a mental illness.

That’s what they say, like she’s fuckin’ retarded or something. I’m finding her a new doctor in the states. They recommended one for her but I might just have to find her a doctor my own. I don’t really know if I trust those South African doctors.

She just stared at all those people, all the fans that were lined up outside of the fence near the tarmac, all the press that was there. Hell, there were even some official army type people standing there all saluting like I was a fucking hero. I was kidnapped, I tried to save my life and that’s it. Neither Trace nor I are heroes.

It was a hassle getting off the plane. Mike was there waiting and it was good to see him. They let her go first. I told my momma to hold her hand and walk out with her and security had told me it would be better to let her go first so she wouldn’t be coming out with all the screams. But people were already screaming. It felt really good to know that people cared about me and were praying for me while I was in trouble.

I still didn’t like it that she had to walk out without me. I know my mom is a little freaked out by the idea of her, by the idea of me taking care of her. I can see the look in my momma’s eyes, knowing she has to treat her like her mental age and not like what she looks like. But see, that’s why I have to take her in. ‘Cause I’m the only one that knows the difference. I know that she doesn’t know everything like most people her age. But she’s not stupid. In fact, she’s smart as hell. Most people just think she’s mentally handicapped and I hate that.

But I know momma would never hurt her or say something to upset her, so I trusted momma to walk with her. Trace and Elisha went next and finally I came out and waved and smiled and it was nice, really nice to get that kind of welcome. We’ve been on the road, driving back to the house, my house I haven’t seen in…hell, almost two months. I just got off the phone with the fucking president. I mean I’ve met him before and the conversation was only like two seconds long, but he welcomed me back to the states and I don’t know. I don’t know why everyone’s making this huge deal about it.

I guess…I guess the more time goes on the more serious I realize how this situation was. I knew it was serious when I was in it, but I didn’t really realize what was going on outside that basement, what my momma was thinking, what the police and agents were doing, what MTV was doing and CNN. They had a fucking CNN special about it, continuous coverage on that ticker thing. I knew I was famous, but I didn’t realize that I was important. I guess it was because I disappeared. They didn’t know where I was. They thought I was missing, dead, something. Then the ransom came out and the Polaroids. Momma said that was the best and the worst part when they saw those. She knew I was alive but she knew I was in pain and she knew I might not be alive much longer.

She’s been through too much and I reach over and hold her hand in the car. She smiles at me, puts her arm around me and kisses my head. “Hey baby…”

I’ve heard rumors that they’ve got this big welcome home bash planned. I just hope it’s not today. I actually don’t want a party at all. It’s gonna be awkward and I don’t want the first moments in my house to be, “welcome home from being locked in a basement, Justin!” I sigh. “No party, right?”

She tenses a little. This isn’t a good sign. “What do you mean?”

I look my mother in the eyes. “There’s not gonna be a big welcome bash or something when I get home, right?”

She smiles and shakes her head. “Of course not.” It makes me relax a little bit and I look over to the woman next to me. Well, I don’t know. I don’t know if I can call her a woman, but I guess that’s better than a little girl. I nudge her and she looks at me, her eyes bugging out. She’s sweet.

“You alright, Sarah?” She gulps and nods and looks back outside.

I don’t know if she’s scared or just shocked about everything and trying to take it all in. She gasps and points, “Ronald McDonald!”

I stare at her. She looks at me and smiles. I guess, I guess she remembers McDonald’s. It’s weird. The doctor said she has a pretty damn good memory of her life before she was kidnapped. She remembers the park, when “uncle” took her. Now she’s remembering places. She remembers Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street and got really excited one day when I went to see her in the hospital, just last week. She was watching Sesame Street and recognized Big Bird. She pointed and said, “I remember him. He’s nice.”

It’s also really nice to see her in normal clothes. No longer shorts and a crappy t-shirt or a little girl’s pajamas or a hospital gown. I had mom go out and buy her some clothes and made momma call up Rachel and have her go out and buy a closet full of clothes for her here in LA, at my house. She’s wearing jeans and a pink t-shirt and has her hair pulled back and looks rather pretty.

“You excited to see my house?” She nods. It’s something I’ve noticed; when other people are around she becomes very, very quiet. When it’s just us she’ll talk my head off about nothing. I know she’s not use to all these strangers and I told her, talked to her before she was released from the hospital about all this. I told her that things were going to be very different, that she was going to meet a lot of people who are really important to me and that it’s ok if she doesn’t know them or is a little uncomfortable around them. I reassured her they’d never hurt her and that I’d always, always be with her. And I have been. I’ve been with her every moment since we left the hospital. We drove back to the house and I introduced her to mom and Elisha and Johnny and Tiny and Eric and everyone. She was ok, shy. She hid behind me like a little kid. It was good to have Trace there, ‘cause she would act like normal Sarah around him, too. She’s still not as comfortable with him as she is with me, but still, at least she knows him.

After a day at the ranch we left that evening for the airport. I didn’t want to hang around in Africa any more. I wanted to get the hell out, get her out, get her back to reality. If there is such a thing for her.

I can’t wait until I get out of this brace. My side really doesn’t hurt any more. I mean there’s a dull pain every now and then but it’s ok. It itches like a bitch. Ya know, having Sarah here has actually helped me out a lot. I know if she wasn’t here, if I didn’t have the outlet to put all this energy into her, I’d be flipping out. Having mom and everyone around me has kept me rather calm about being back out in the world, but I know, I know once I get in my house and I get alone and it’s just me and Sarah, I’m going to have to take some time to get everything straight.

I know it was an isolated case. The damn bird took us to evil. If we had just gone back to the truck after we peed nothing would have happened to us. It was just an evil road that we should have never taken. I know that type of thing would never happen to me here in the US, that situation would be completely unable to manifest in the US. There would be no African plain where I would be alone where mobsters would be killing people. I mean, I’m sure there are bad people like that in the US, but that whole situation would never happen…not to me.

But it did happen, in the most unlikely places and it fucked with my mind and I can’t help but be very, very cautious with everything I do. And I’m not just looking out for myself any more. I got Sarah to worry about. I have to make sure no one takes her or hurts her again.

“There’s so much…” she whispers. “So much to look at.”

“You’ll be happy here Sarah, I know it.”

“With you?” She asks, those brown eyes staring up at me.

“Yeah, with me.” She smiles and giggles a little bit and turns back to look outside, her face plastered to the window. I hear my mom clear her throat and look at her. She’s not looking at me but I know that there’s that look on her face, that look that tells me she doesn’t approve.

In fact, she tried to talk me out of it. She tried to tell me that it wasn’t my responsibility, that she needed help beyond my care. She told me I had no idea what I was doing when I agreed to be her guardian. And maybe I don’t, but somebody’s gotta try, and I’m not just going to let the government take her to experiment on her or whatever and put her in a damn home. She’s not a freak and she’s not ill.

She’s just been hurt. She’s wounded and I’m gonna make her better.

Dammit, I have to make her better.

We pull off of the main road and start working our way back to the familiar streets near my house. Johnny’s driving us and Tiny’s in the front seat. It’ll be good to be home. I just hope everyone kind of stays out of my way and lets me get readjusted. I hope they let me get Sarah settled, let me have the chance to show her around. It’s weird, I almost feel like I haven’t really gotten to hang out with her since they’ve all been around.

I guess in a way I’ve been quiet too, quiet when other people are around. I know they don’t understand. I know they think I’m crazy, but I don’t care.

I’m thankful when we pull up past the gate into the entrance of my neighborhood and start up the hill. I feel a hand on mine and look over at Sarah, she’s smiling at me. “It’s pretty here.” I smile at her. “You’re excited.”

I laugh a little, happy, no relieved is more like it. “Yeah, I am.” It’ll be really nice to be home, to be in my bed, to be able to fucking sleep in my bed. Not the bed at the ranch or on the plane or on a basement floor, but actually my fucking bed.

Freedom, I haven’t felt it yet. I never felt it at the hospital and I started to feel it at the ranch house, but…but now, now that I’m almost home, really home, I feel light, like…like this is really special. And I mean it is, it’s just that I haven’t had this feeling in a while. I’m free. I’m fucking free.

I laugh to myself and wipe the corners of my eyes. I don’t wanna cry. I’m so damn tired of crying. I haven’t done a lot of it since we were rescued but, but still, I feel emotionally drained and crying just seems to be so draining. Shit, there it is.

“That’s it!” I say and point and Sarah looks. It looks empty though, no cars around. Shit, I’m gonna get to see my dogs. I bet Franco will jump up on me and Roscoe will just drool. My leg starts to bob up and down and I feel like a little kid going to Disney…

No, no…I feel like a man, a man who hasn’t been home in a long, long time. We pull up to the house and Sarah’s staring. “Wait till you see the inside.” I say to her and she just continues to stare. Everyone gets out of the car and momma gets out and I get out, too. Sarah stares. I laugh a little and come around to her side and open the door. “Come on out. It’s safe.”

She takes a breath and glances at me and then at my house.

“Justin!” I turn and smile at the brunette running towards me. She’s got two dogs following her, barking. She attacks me in a hug and I laugh.

“What up, Rach.”

“I’m so glad you’re home.” She squeezes me tightly. I haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to her yet, just for a moment on the phone a few weeks ago. I can tell by the sound of her voice how much she’s missed me, how much she cares. She pulls back and smiles at me and then hugs me again. I’m glad she does it so I don’t have to look at the tears in her eyes. “How was the flight?”

“Long as everything…” I let got of her and bend down because both of my dogs are barking at me and licking me and jumping up on me. “Hey pups!” Shit, I love my dogs. They’re so awesome. They’ve gotten big, not any bigger since I saw them last but I guess I still imagine them as puppies.

“Justin…” I look up and see my mom staring at me. She nods over to the car and I realize I left Sarah just sitting there, chewing on her lip. She’s curled up in the car staring at the dogs.

“Oh, don’t be scared.” I say and walk over to her. “This is just Roscoe…” I point to the one trying to get around to sniff my crotch. Nice boy. I pull him away by his collar and laugh as Franco looks at Sarah and barks and then looks up at me and licks my hand. “And this is Franco. My dogs I told you about, remember.” She nods. “And this is my cousin Rachel.” Sarah stares and Rachel sticks her hand out. I clear my throat. “Uh, no Rach.” Rachel looks up at me and bunches her eyebrows. “Let’s just go inside, ok?”

She nods at me and they all start to lead the way to the front door. I step around my dogs and grab Sarah’s hand. “It’s ok. No one’s gonna hurt you, ok?”

She pulls herself out of the car, but doesn’t let go of me. “Cousin?”

“She’s related to me. She’s part of my family.” I shut the car door behind her and she jumps a little and then clutches to my arm. She’s been really jumpy, too. She was never this way when we were in the basement, but now, ever since we were rescued and uncle got shot, loud and sudden noises seem to frighten her.

“Are you my family?”

I look down at her and she’s staring up at me. I don’t know how to answer this, I don’t want her to think that I’m replacing “uncle” because that’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t want her to look at me like she looks at him. I just want to be her friend, I just want to help her and have her help me. I want her to be my family, but I don’t want it to be a negative thing for her. “I…I am now.”

She smiles at me and leans her head against me. “I hope you don’t mind…” I look up and Rachel is turned around smiling at me and going up the few steps to the door. “There’s a little surprise.”

“Surprise?” It takes me a moment to register what that means. If it’s just everyone that’s already here and a cake or something I can deal, but if it’s something else. “I don’t…”

The door is swung open and I’m pushed inside, practically dragging Sarah with me. Yells and whistles come from the house and it takes me a while to focus and to realize what’s going on.

“Welcome back!” They all shout.

‘He’s here!!” I hear running footsteps and get my eyes to focus just in time to see my brother Stephen clobber me in a hug around my waist. Jonathan walks up to me in his cool middle school attitude and shakes my hand.

I’m shaking.

“H…hey...” I pat Stephen’s back and then realize that Sarah is behind me, clutching onto my shoulders, peeking out. She’s terrified of my family. And that’s all it is, just my family, my grandparents and my dad and Lisa and few other people, some of my good friends like Marty and Jason, JC is even there. But it’s too much, I can’t handle all of this. I can’t handle all this right now. Not them and Sarah. I wanted to be able to come back and have peace and quiet and be able to show her around and get her settled into the real world. I didn’t want her to be hiding behind me like some frightened child. “Um, mom?”

She shrugs and smiles. “I couldn’t resist. They all wanted to see you so badly.”

“Can…” I sigh and reach down to pull my brother off me and look up at Jonathan, then the rest of my family. “Can you guys just hold on for a second?” I turn and squeeze Sarah’s arm for a moment and then look at Trace who’s got his arm around Elisha. “Trace, will…will you take Sarah to the upstairs guest room.”

“But…”

I look in her eyes, she’s so scared. She doesn’t know what this place is, who these people are. She’s lost and I’ve done this to her. I feel like I’m the one that’s frightened her. But no, it was me. It’s my mom, and her damn insistency to force me back into a life I’m not ready for yet.

“I’ll be right there, there’s nothing to worry about.” I nod at Trace and he says, “come on, Sarah” to her and waves her with him and starts to pull her upstairs. She stares at me and then at everyone else and runs up after him. Once they disappear I look back at everyone. They’re all staring at me, wondering what’s going on, wanting me to come to them and hug them and tell them I missed them, but there’s only one thing I can do right now.

Something I have to do. Clearly, she didn’t understand me when I told her about Sarah. I narrow my eyes at my mother, “I need to talk to you…”

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you happy to see everyone, this is your family…” She says to me as I march off down the first hallway towards one of the downstairs guest rooms. She follows me and I shut the door behind me and stare at her.

I throw my hands up and she sits down on the bed. “Mom you can’t do that!! You should have told me so …so I could prepare her.”

“Her?” She shakes her head and narrows her eyes at me. “Her?”

“Yes mom. I know you don’t agree with it. I know you think I should just come back here alone and go back with Cameron and be my old self again. But I can’t.” I point to myself and just stare at her, staring at me. “I can’t. I was fucking… fucking…” She sucks in a breath and I know she can’t deal with me saying it, so I shake my head. “Shit happened to me momma and she was there, and she has no one else. I don’t care if you guys do call me crazy, but I have a connection with her. She doesn’t trust anyone but me. You know what that man did to her?” She doesn’t say anything and I start to pace, thinking about Patrick, how evil a person has to be to do the things he did. I run my hands through my hair. I need to get it cut. “He pretended he was her uncle and then fucked her, mom. Not fucked her over. He’d take her upstairs and make her do things with him, sexually. He put his hands on her, I saw him do it. And, and if she did something he didn’t like, like I don’t know, forget to put her maxi pad on wrong and get blood on her sheets or say she didn’t want to have sex with him, he’d beat her, mom.” She’s not looking at me, staring off at the wall, biting her lip. “He beat her. He kept her like this, kept her locked in a basement only watching Disney movies. He wanted to do that to us, too. He wanted to control us, too. And he almost…”

She snaps at me and crosses her arms over her chest. “Shut up, Justin. I know what happened.”

I sigh and walk over to her and sit down on the bed with her. “Then why don’t you understand?”

She puts an arm over my shoulders and pulls me into her, then puts her other arm around me to keep me there. “It’s not your responsibility. You worry about yourself, make yourself better. Let your family work with you, let me help you. It’s not your place to help her. Let her family deal with her.”

“She has no family…” I say, putting my arms back around my momma. Maybe, maybe she’s right, not in giving up on Sarah, but maybe I do need to let my family help me. I know I’m not back to my old self, if there is such a thing. I know I’m weird now, fucked up in the head or whatever, but they love me and they were worried about me and I at least owe it to them to spend some time with them.

“You’re not it, though baby. You can’t just be her savior.”

I shake my head. She still doesn’t get it. “But I am momma. I’m all she has. ”

My mom drops her arms from around me. “She’s a child, Justin. Do you even know what you’re taking on here?”

I glare at her. How dare her say that? I told her, I fucking told her not to treat Sarah that way, not to call her that, not to bring her down like he did. I get off the bed and pace a little. “She‘s not a child! She’s a woman who was tortured and manipulated.” I shake my head. This is ridiculous. I’m in this horribly decorated guest room that mom decorated with floral patterns and pastels trying to explain something that she’ll never be able to understand. She wasn’t there. She didn’t see what he did to her, to us.

She wasn’t there when I had to teach her how to clean herself when she was on her period or have to hold her at night because she was scared of a mouse or have to sit and watch Disney movies with her all fucking day. She wasn’t there when I thought trace had died or thought that I was going to die. She wasn’t there when I had to spend the dark nights and days wondering what he was doing to her upstairs, if he was hurting her, if she even knew what he was doing was wrong. I had to sit there and watch him drug her, watch him touch her.

She might know every detail of what happened, but she doesn’t know what it did to me, what it’s still doing to me.

She wasn’t there.

“I’m worried about you.”

I stop and realize that I was pacing a hole in the floor and that she’s been staring at me, watching. I sigh and roll my shoulders, it hurts my side a bit and then I remember I have the brace on and my skin starts to itch under it.

Dammit.

“I gotta do something, mom. “ I say. “I can’t just send her off and wish her the best. You weren’t down there, you don’t know.”

“Then why doesn’t Trace do this or want to help you. Why is Trace getting engaged and you’re pushing away your girlfriend and housing some mentally challenged…”

“Don’t call her that.” I bite at her. She knows better than that. I don’t know what she’s trying to pull with all this name calling, trying to reduce Sarah down, but it’s not gonna work. I’m not giving her up.

“But Justin she is!” She stands up off the bed and marches over to me frustrated. She grabs my shoulders and shakes me a bit. That’s not gonna work, either. Keep shaking me, shake me till I die. I’m still not giving her up. “I feel sorry for her. It breaks my heart to know there are people in this world that can do that to someone, to an innocent little girl, ‘cause that’s what she was Justin and it’s what she still is. So what if she has grown up, she’s still in that mindset. She’s still a little girl and you can’t do this on your own, you can’t just cure her miraculously.”

“I’m not going to.” I pull away from her and go and sit on the bed again. “She’s gonna go to therapy and everything.”

“I love you. I love you, Justin. I can’t describe to you how I’ve kept it going the past few months. ‘Cause I’ve been a wreck, a fucking wreck.” I look up because my mother doesn’t curse. “But you’re home now, and you’re safe and I just want you to be happy and to live your life and to do what you want, I don’t want you having obligations or feeling guilty or…”

“Momma…” She wipes at her eyes and I reach forward and grab her hand and pull her over to me. I hold her other hand as well and stare up at her. “I wanna take care of her.”

“Do you really?”

“I have to. I know I do. But I also want to. Mom, I…I know it’s crazy, but I care about her. She…she saved my life, momma. She gave me the drive to fight back, to not give in. I mean, you guys were already on your way, you had already found where we were when we called you, but still, what if you hadn’t? What if you didn’t even know I was alive? Our plan would have worked, and we did it together, the three of us. Sarah saved us momma. You heard the doctor. I didn’t have much time left. She saved me. She’s my savior, why can’t I be hers?”

She shakes her head, breaks away from me and turns her back to me, crossing her arms and looking out the window there. “I’m worried about you Justin.”

I stand up and go put my hands on her shoulders. “I’m safe, I’m home, remember? You don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

She shakes her head and continues to look outside, out where Eric and Mike are unloading the car. “I can’t lie to you and pretend I like this, that I like her living here. And I can tell you that every day and you’re not gonna change, are you?”

I laugh, she knows me too well. She knows I have this set in my mind and that nothing is gonna make me give her up. I wrap my arms around her and lay my head on her shoulder. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this affectionate with my mother, but now, now that I’m back, even if she disagreed with everything I decided on in my life, I’d still need her here. “No I’m not. You’ve never steered me wrong. You’ve always known what exactly to do and to say. But this time, you can’t. And it’s not your fault, but you haven’t been here before. This is a situation we’re both unprepared for, and I’m doing what I feel in my heart is right.”

“Promise me if she’s not getting better in a few months you’ll rethink. They have places out there Justin, places for people, women who have been traumatized.”

I suck in a breath and start to pull away. “Looney bins.”

She turns and looks at me. “No Justin, communities, camps I guess you could call them, where people learn to live again. It’s like rehab.”

“I can’t send her off to strangers.”

“Just promise me that you’ll consider it, look into it.”

I nod, I figure if I agree she’ll get off my case. “I’ll see.” She smiles at me and nods and pulls on my hand to the door. She opens it and then closes it almost all the way again and looks back at me.

“Justin…I know you wanna run upstairs right now and talk to her. And I’m sure she’s scared. But you have a lot of family here, your grandparents and your father and your brothers are all here. I think you owe some time with them.”

I sigh, “Can I just go make sure she’s ok? I’ll be right down.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t like this Justin. I don’t like this at all.”

I lean in and kiss her cheek. “I love you, momma. I know what I’m doing.” I open the door for her and march out and go to the steps, waving at everyone and telling them I’ll be right back before running up the steps. I didn’t want to give her the chance to talk me out of it and I need to see Sarah. I need to make sure she’s ok.

I go into the room and they aren’t there. I thought Trace would take her to his room that he stays at when he’s here. But I guess Trace didn’t bring her here. I don’t think he’d take her to my room so I go and check the other guest room upstairs, the room that’s now her’s. They’re there. She’s sitting on the edge of the bed and Trace is looking out the window, drumming his fingers on the arm of the chair in the corner. Elisha is looking through her closet. “Hey, sorry…you guys go down and hang out. I’ll be there in a second.” Trace sighs and gets up and Elisha comes around and passes me a small smile before they disappear. She shuts the door on her way out, but leaves it cracked.

I sigh and look over at Sarah. She stares at me. “I’m sorry I had to leave you.”

“Who’s those people?”

I sit down with her on the bed and turn towards her. “That’s my family.”

“Who were those people that hugged you?”

“My brothers, the little one was Stephen and the other is Jon.”

“Are they nice?”

I laugh a little and nod. “Oh yes.” I look at her and she’s looking around the room. She looks curious, and I’m thankful that she no longer looks frightened. “This is going to be your room. Do you like it?” This is the room I had Rachel set up for her. It looks like a normal room, nothing grimy. Not a strange small bed with Disney characters and a small TV with VHSs lined up. Not a dirty bathroom with a pull string light. No this room is light, pale blue walls and a white comforter on a large bed with yellow and lavender flowers. It’s grown up, and it’s feminine, and I hope she likes it here.

“It’s pretty and bright. I like the color. I like blue.”

“And guess what? My room is just down the hall.”

She smiles and then it drops and she looks down at her fingers. “Do I have to stay here all day?”

I suck in a breath, “No…” God no, don’t do this. Don’t pretend I’m him. I’m different, I hope she can see that. I hope she knows that I’m not a bad man and I’m not going to trick her. “No Sarah, you can do whatever you want. You can go all around the house, but don’t go outside unless you ask me, ok? Not because of the sun or anything. It’s just…for the first little bit that you’re here I wanna go with you, so you don’t get lost.” It’s true, there’s a gate and everything but if she somehow wandered out or walked around my back yard without me and got scared she might hurt herself. And I know that sounds horrible, like I’m trying to cage her, but I just want to make sure she’s safe.

I’d love to get her to the point where she could do things for herself, but she’s not there yet. She’s got a long way to go. And I’d be terrified if I lost her. “Cause I don’t want you to get lost.”

“And never be found.” She whispers.

I gulp. She might be tortured and she might be messed up, but fuck anyone who says she’s not smart. She knows what’s going on and she knows what happened to her was wrong. “R...right.”

“So we don’t stay in the same room?”

This is taking a lot to get use to. She keeps bringing up our time in the dungeon and I don’t know why I was hoping she wouldn’t. It’s all she knew for most of her life. Hell, it was her life, of course she’s going to bring it up. I just, I wish she wouldn’t. Maybe, maybe this is gonna make it harder for me to get past all that.

But it’s worth it. ‘Cause I will. I’ll get better, I’ll move on with her. And she’ll be ok. I’ll make her ok. “We stay in the same house. But at night you will sleep here and I’ll sleep down the hall.” She just bites her lip. “But…but if you get scared you can come stay with me.” I watch her and she looks like she’s thinking hard and then I see fear comes over her eyes and she backs up and curls up at the head of the bed, staring off to the right of me. I look over and see one of my dogs shuffling in. I laugh a little as he puts his paws up on the bed, stretching and then looks at me with his tongue hanging out. I scratch his head and he sighs. I look over at Sarah and she’s staring at him. “It’s ok, he won’t hurt you.” I reach over and hold her hand and slowly bring it forward and let him smell it. He licks it and she laughs and then she takes it on her self to pet his head. He scoots over, still standing on his hind legs, knowing he’s not allow to jump up on beds, but wanting to so bad. “See, he likes you.”

She smiles and scoots forward and lets him lick her other hand. “Franco.” She smiles. I’m surprised she got that and stare at her. She smiles at the dog and pets him some more and I can tell he’s already fallen in love with her. Silly pup. Most people can’t tell Roscoe and Franco apart, but she got it on the first try. I guess it’s part of that special memory she has.

“That’s right.”

“And Roscoe has the black under his eye.”

“Yeah...” I smile at her and then figure since the two of them are getting along so well that he can get up with her. I pat the bed and he jumps up and goes and lays right beside her.

“I’m sleepy, Justin.” She says and as if on cue, Frankie, as I call him, lays his head down and sighs.

I pat the bed. “Take a nap, girl.”

“Will you tuck me in?”

“Sarah…” I collect my thoughts and stand up off the bed. “I’m not going to. That’s…” I don’t want to bring him up. I’m trying not to mention him at all, trying to erase him from both out memories. I take a deep breath. “You’re a big girl, you can do it yourself.”

“I can?” She seems shocked, like she never knew that.

“Yeah, just pull back the covers and take off your shoes and lay down. And I’ll come up and check on your soon, ok? If you need to go potty there’s a bathroom right here.” I point to a door that’s closed on the other side of the bed.

“Are you gonna lock me in?” She says, trying to take off her shoes, finally getting one to slip off. I found out in Africa while we were taking her from the hospital that she didn’t know how to tie her shoes. She said she thought she use to try but it was hard and Patrick never gave her shoes. We got her some slide-ons. I’ll have to work with her on the tying thing later.

“No…no Sarah. If…if you wanna come down stairs you can. You can go wherever you want, ok?”

“Ok.” She smiles and reaches to pull off the covers. “I like that.”

I watch her slip between the covers. Franco picks his head up for a minute and then lays it back down and looks at me for a moment before shutting his eyes. I pat his back for a second and sit up off the bed. “I hope you understand that I’m not uncle, Sarah. I’m not that man. I’m not gonna tell you what you can and can’t do. You can do that for yourself, ok? I’m your friend.”

“You’re my Justin.” She snuggles deep into the covers and smiles at me, a bright, genuine smile and I can’t help but think that she looks beautiful against the covers and I know that’s wrong. But it’s not like I’m thinking about her sexually. It’s just, she’s a very very pretty girl and I sometimes wonder how she would be if she wasn’t this way, if she hadn’t been messed up and kidnapped. I wonder if she would maybe, I don’t know, like a guy like me.

“Right.” I sigh and run a hand through my hair. I know I should get down there and visit with my family but I could really go for a nap and right now. All I want to do is push Frankie to the foot of the bed and slip in beside her. But I know that wouldn’t be good and mom would be pissed at me forever for not coming back down. “And you’re my Sarah and it doesn’t matter what anyone else says. Ok?”

She nods and I smile at her and tell her to get some sleep. She closes her eyes and I stare at her for a moment before turning and going out the door. I leave the door cracked so Franco can get out if he wants. Maybe, maybe momma was right. Maybe this is going to be more than I thought I could handle. But I have to try. She’s my responsibility, I took it upon myself to help her and protect her when we first met her.

I had to figure her out and I did. I figured out her past and why she is the way she is and now that I know, I know it has to be me. I have to help her and nothing anyone says, not my mom, not Trace, no one, nothing is going to change it. She needs me to take care of her and, maybe, maybe I need her. For some strange reason, I just might need her around.