Chapter 17

The office is utterly boring. The walls are stark white and there’s only a few frames on the wall, all of her degrees and certificates. There’s not a plant in the room, just a huge desk and two chairs in front of it, one behind and another small one in the corner, closer to the door. Her desk is impeccably clean, barren almost. I’ve been in doctor’s offices before for random things, vocal chords, breaking my foot, my arm, hell Johnny made all of us go to therapy when all the TransCon shit went down. That guy’s office was cool. There was color on the walls, nice scenic paintings of the country, even two plants. It was comforting and welcoming.

This, this feels like we’re about to get some sentence, some final outcome thrown down on us. This lady holds Sarah’s future in her hands and she knows it. She’s all business, no frills. She’s scary. She’s not even that old, maybe thirty-five, very attractive. And it’s weird because I know if I was here and none of this had happened I’d probably hit on her. I’d probably pull out the suave Justin, the cool Justin, lay it on thick and make her laugh. But shit did happen, and I’m here on Sarah’s behalf. I think I might be more nervous than she is.

I glance over. No, no I don’t know if that’s possible and I’m starting to regret this. I should have made the doctor come to the house. I shouldn’t have taken her outside. As soon as we got in the car and Mike started driving us she was tense, unsure, fucking terrified. It was like as soon as I pulled her outside and helped her buckle her seatbelt she was scared. She looked at me with those big watery eyes, breathing sharply.

She knew this was happening. She knew she was going to meet someone new, a friend I called her. The lady seems nice enough but, she’s pretty hard core and she’s freaking Sarah out.

But I guess it’s a little unfair to say that Sarah is the only one afraid. I woke up this morning feeling wonderful, refreshed, actually rested and I realized that she was beside me, awake, staring at me. I got her up and let her bathe in my bathtub and, and I guess it was a little weird because while she was sinking down into the water, only letting everything from the neck up stand out of the water, I was, I was in there, too. I was in the bathroom jsut shaving and getting ready for the day. It wasn’t like I was staring at her. I just got the water ready for her and then put out some towels and when she got in the tub and I finished doing all my stuff. I didn’t stand there and watch her undress or anything.

I put a robe on her over her towel when she came out and took her to her room so we could go pick out her outfit for the day, together. I want her to start making some of these small decisions herself. But she only giggled and laid on her bed and kicked her legs and smiled at me. I could barely eat my breakfast that morning and instead I watched her slurp up her cereal while I forced down a bit of orange juice. I didn’t get the chance to take her out on a walk like I had thought I might. We had both woke up late, too late. When I woke up and saw she was staring at me I wanted to ask her how long she had been up.

Then I remembered that Sarah couldn’t tell time.

But I can and I’m getting damn tired of looking down at my watch to see the second hand tick and tick and tick away while this lady just sits behind her desk, glancing over this folder with her glasses about to fall off her nose. I glance over at Sarah. She’s chewing on her finger. I reach over and touch her arm for a moment. She stares at me and then bows her head.

Shit. She thinks she’s in trouble.

I almost say something to her. I almost tell her that it’s ok. I almost ask her if she wants to leave. She’s not ready for this. She’s not fucking ready for this! I’m an idiot and I should have known better than pushing her into a situation she’s no where near ready for.

This is too much. It’s all just too damn much.

“I appreciate you faxing over these records before hand. It really helped me get some sense about the situation before you came today.”

“Oh, sure.”

“I will have to say that this isn’t going to be easy for either of you, but we’re going to try. I don’t know enough yet to be able to tell you much, but I’m hoping after a few weeks we’ll be able to start seeing a path to progress.” She says all of that while looking at me and then she moves her eyes to Sarah, takes off her glasses and smiles. “You’re a very, very special girl, and you’re very lucky to have someone like Justin to take care of you.”

I look at her. She doesn’t understand. Dammit lady, can’t you see? She doesn’t understand. She’s terrified.

“I’d like to uh, spend a bit of time alone with Sarah, if that’s ok.”

I dart my eyes to the doctor. Ok, I…I have to start thinking rationally here and I have to stop freaking out. I take a deep breath. I’m not sure if that’s the best idea. I mean, I figured it would happen when I talked to her on the phone a few days ago. I know she wants to see how Sarah is when I’m not around, but can’t we do that another day? What if she flips out and the doctor like puts her in a hospital for crazy people?

She’s not crazy. She’s not.

“She gets scared very easily.” I say slowly.

“I can see that,” Dr. Cantapolis nods and then turns to smile at Sarah. “But I’m here to be your friend and talk with you.”

I reach over and rub Sarah’s shoulder. She’s cowering in her seat, still chewing on her finger, staring at the doctor. “She doesn’t like it when people ask her lots of questions.”

“How about this…” She stands up and comes around the desk closer to where we are. “Sarah and I will sit here and have a talk and Justin’s can go outside…” She sits on the front of her desk and looks directly at Sarah. “And if you want him to come back at any time you just tell me and we’ll ask him to come back in.”

I nod. That’s a good idea. I’ll just be right out the door and if I hear her get upset I can come right in and make it better and we can leave. I don’t want to leave her by herself, but I know she needs this. Dr. Cantapolis is supposed to be phenomenal, and she at least needs a chance to figure Sarah out and see if she can help her. I stand up out of my seat and the next thing I know Sarah is hugging me.

“I don’t want you to go.”

I look at the doctor and she tries to smile at me, but I can see the worry in her eyes. I pat Sarah’s back, pull back from her and bend down to look her in the eyes. “Sarah, Lisa is really nice. She’s not like the doctors before.”

“I don’t want you to go.”

Shit, she’s crying. And the doctor isn’t even helping. She’s just staring at us, staring and…and I guess trying to see how I handle situations with Sarah, how we interact.

“I promise I’ll be right outside the door.” I smile at her and wipe her face for her. “I won’t be gone long.”

I pull away quickly and walk to the door. Dr. Cantapolis holds it open for me and smiles. “Thank you Justin. It’ll just be a few minutes.”

It closes behind me and I fall down into the chair beside the door and sink into a slouch. I cover my face and shake my head. “Shit.”

“You ok?”

I suck in a breath, sit up and lean forward with my elbows on my knees. I blow out the breath and shake my head before looking over at the man squeezed into the chair beside me. He’s flipping through a Newsweek. “What the hell am I doing, Mike?”

He shakes his head and moves his eyes back to the magazine. “I’m staying out of it.”

I sit up and turn a little to look at him. “Don’t.” He sighs at me and rubs his forehead. Everyone else has given me an opinion, told me what to do. He hasn’t. He hasn’t said a damn thing, just been there as a support and as protection, like always. But I need someone else to say something to me, to give me their opinion. As much as I hate it, as much as I want to scream every time someone tells me I’m crazy and say to me that I don’t know what I’m doing, right now I…I just need to hear it. I need to know what he thinks of me.

Of her…

“I mean, I’m crazy, right? What the hell am I doing trying to take care of and change someone like her?”

“I don’t know. But what else can you do?” He shrugs. “Ya know, the first time I saw you back in Africa and I heard that this was what you wanted to do, I seriously thought you were nuts.” He chuckles but I don’t. “But I kind of understand now. She definitely is attached to you and no one else. Not even Trace. She’s more comfortable around him than anyone else and I think she might be warming up to me. But you are her rock and maybe she needs to be taken away from you to be able to grow up or fix whatever it is. But maybe she can’t be fixed, Justin. You just handing her over to the government or a hospital as a special case, someone to study, well I kind of think that’s wrong.”

I take a deep breath. Shit. Finally. Someone’s on my side. “So you agree with me.”

“When she’s not being scared and weird she’s kind of charming, and she’s been through more shit than I can imagine. She needs to be around people that care about her.”

“I care about her.” I say and then realize I said it all defensive like, like he was accusing me of not caring about her. Shit, I’m jittery. I clamp my hand down on my knee so it quits bobbing up and down. Why am I such a nervous wreck right?

I hope she’s ok in there. It’s quiet. I hope she’s not freaking out.

“I know just, don’t let that take over, ok? I know you don’t want me to say this, but you’re not all better and fine. You’re still messed up over this, and you’re going to be and don’t assume you can just do this all yourself. You got a lot of people that care about you and want to help you. So let them.”

I take a few deep breaths. I could use a vacation, a getaway, hell a day golfing with Trace. But I can’t just do that anymore. I know he’ll ask me questions, he’ll want to talk, and when I say I don’t want to he’ll start talking about his wedding plans and I’ll get upset because, because I just will. I’ll be jealous that he can move on so quickly and that his life has become fucking perfect and mine’s torn apart.

And I’ll keep looking over my shoulder just to see if maybe someone’s watching, or if someone’s trying to get us. And then I’ll be paranoid that I’ll see something like a dead body floating in the algae covered golf lagoon and I’ll close my eyes and I’ll want to go home.

So yeah, maybe a vacation or golfing wouldn’t be a good idea. Maybe I just need to go home.

“I just can’t stand it when people keep telling me that I don’t know what I’m doing, that I’m taking on to much, that I should just send her away. They don’t even know! They weren’t there! They…they don’t know what happened, what I saw him do to her.” I shake my head at the mental images that are replaying over and over in my mind of him…him touching her. That bastard fucking touched her. “She doesn’t trust strangers and neither do I. I shouldn’t even let her be in there by herself. She’s probably freaking out!” I start to stand up but a firm hand pushes me back down.

“Breathe, calm down.” He says to me.

I cover my face and I try not to cry. Shit, this is bad. I shouldn’t be like this. The lady’s gonna think I’m a freak and unsuitable to take care of Sarah. I wipe my eyes quickly and sit up and ask him to hand me a magazine.

I read every fucking word of this damn Literary magazine, trying to pull my mind away from all this bull shit. ‘Cause that’s what my life is now, bull shit. I’m a fucking paranoid freak who’s scared to leaves his house. Yeah, ok I admit it. This morning Sarah wasn’t the only terrified one. I knew Mike was there, but what if someone had a gun and killed him and took us.

It’s just like, yeah this shit could happen, it probably won’t but it still could, to anyone. And it really does happen to people. People get shot and killed and kidnapped and tortured and most people don’t think about it and don’t even let it phase them and don’t worry about that kind of thing. I use to be one of those people.

I use to be a fool.

“Justin…” I force in a shaky breath and Mike puts his hand on my shoulder again. I look over. Oh…oh it’s just the doctor.

I’m still a fool.

I walk into the room and Sarah’s there, curled up in her chair, staring at something on her knee. She’s white still. I guess I’m kind of pale, too. Maybe I should take her outside more. Ya know, maybe teach her to swim or something, get some color on her. I bet she would look nice. She looks up at me, but doesn’t smile. “You ok?” I ask.

She just looks back down at her knee and starts to pick at it.

I plop down beside her and the doctor comes around and sits down at her desk, “Yeah, she’s fine. We talked a little bit and I think I’m ready to tell you my plan of action.” She laughs a little bit. Why the hell is she laughing?

“Ok…”

She turns her smile to Sarah and leans a little against her desk. “Sarah, I’m going to talk to Justin and you might not understand what I say, but we’re not saying anything bad, ok?” Sarah nods, but doesn’t look up from her knee. She has a scab there. How the hell did she hurt her knee and I not notice? Maybe when she shaved this morning. Yeah, I noticed that. She shaved in the bath. It was weird to see her do that and I’m not sure why.

Her legs were all covered with shaving cream, dangling over the edge of the tub. It…it made me feel strange. I wasn’t sure how to label the feeling.

I suck a breath and look back at the doctor. She’s now talking to me. “She’ll need to come by at least once a week for several, several months, if not more. I know that some of her previous doctors suggested that Sarah go to a rehab-type facility where she can learn to be a more mature person. But to me, it’s clear that Sarah has problems socializing and I know you don’t want to put her in a mental hospital. In fact, it’s not really that she has a chemical imbalance or that she’s even sick or anything like that. I don’t know if I would even call it brainwashing.” She puts her glasses back on, leans back in her chair and rocks for a bit. “In some factors Sarah has matured and she has an extremely high IQ, bordering genius, which might help explain the photographic memory. But as far as putting her in a hospital or a home, at this point I do not think that is a good idea. At all.” I let out a deep breath and look at Sarah. She’s smiling and staring at my sneakers. I look down. What the hell is she staring at? “Sarah needs to learn some basic things first. She needs to learn to be ok out of the environment that she was in and I’m happy that she seems really comfortable at your house. That’s a positive. But we don’t want her relying on you for everything and right now, that’s what she’s doing.”

It’s quiet and I nod. Well, that seems simple enough. Just continue with the talks and stuff. That…that’s not so hard. “So we’re just gonna keep bringing her to you?”

Doctor Cantapolis nods and smiles, glance at Sarah. Sarah’s now staring at her own shoes. “We had a nice talk and I think I might be able to help her. I’m not use to doing this but we need to get her some sort of tutor. She needs to be educated in the basic things. In most societies school is a tool that molds children and helps them grow and mature. Kids that do not go to school in other societies usually go off to work and that helps them mature. Sarah has had neither and I think getting her into an environment and routine of education will really help her. You’ll have to be a big factor in helping her with that. We can get you some lessons and materials that start on a kindergarten level. Actually, I think with her ability and IQ she probably will be able to learn very, very quickly. I will help as well in my sessions with her, but maybe once she gets a little more comfortable and accepting of other people, we can get someone that specializes in tutoring adults on a child-like level.” I had never even thought about that. I mean, I figured learning was part of it but not like an education. I mean, yeah, fucking idiot. The girl doesn’t even know how to write.

It seems that every time I think we’re figuring this out or we have a plan, suddenly there’s more to do and more I haven’t even thought about. I’ve got a migraine. “It’s going to be the hardest part Justin, the treating her like an adult. There are going to be times when you’ll almost have to resort to an authority figure with her to help her learn, but you need to try to treat her as an adult as much as possible. The more she is continued to be taught and talked to and treated as a child. the worse this is going get.”

“I’ll do everything I have to and everything I can and more.” I say. She smiles at me. It’s a nice smile, pretty I guess you could say. It kind of makes me at ease and comforts me a lot. Sometimes I feel like no one is on my side and now that I know Mike believes in me and that this doctor thinks I’m doing the right thing, that…that makes me feel better.

“I know you will and that leads me to something else.” Her smile drops. She swallows pretty noticeably, and looks down at a folder on her desk. She’s not looking me in the face. “I know I’m Sarah’s therapist and I have little place to ask you about this, but are you getting help Justin?”

“I…I have a doctor.”

Her brown eyes cut into me and force me to sit back against the chair. “Not for your physical injuries. Are you going to therapy?”

I look away and roll my shoulders back. Shit, I need to get this brace off. It’s really starting to itch. “I haven’t really had time to think about that yet.”

“Because I’m Sarah’s therapist, not yours, but I’m going to need you here. And there are going to be times when you are going to feel like I’m trying to be your therapist, but I have to do this because you are her guardian and you are her leader in this.” I nod. I feel like I’m being lectured by my mother. I’m starting to feel hot and lightheaded and that migraine won’t go away. “And she needs a strong leader and if you aren’t doing well, you need to get some help. You’ve been through a traumatic experience and don’t think that helping out Sarah and concentrating on her is going to push all that happened to you away. It’ll come back to haunt you and you do not want that to happen.”

“I’m taking care of myself.” I mumble.

“Good. Because you’re all she has. I’m here to help her but she depends on you and needs you and we’re gonna try get her out of that so she can grow and become her own self.”

I suck in a breath and look over at her, “Sarah would you like that? Would you like to watch some movies and get some books where you can draw in?” I look up at the doctor for a moment before moving back to Sarah. “She likes to draw. She’s really good...And you can learn some new stuff and I’ll help you.”

She smiles and nods. “Ok…”

I touch her shoulder a bit and rub it. She just starts to pick her scab again. I’d tell her to stop but I don’t know if I should or if she should learn it by herself. I…I don’t know anything. I look back at the doctor. “I think that would be good. I’ve just let her watch TV the past few days, ‘cause well, I didn’t really know what to let her do.”

She makes a strange face like she’s thinking for a moment and then nods quickly. “That’s probably not a bad idea. Granted it would be better to start her on a educated regime, and as horrible as television is for most kids, I think it’ll kind of shock her into another world and let her see other things other than a basement and a fantasy cartoon world. Maybe try to keep her on the more learning type channels, Discovery Channel and perhaps kid programs like the ones on PBS but…” She sigh and cringes slightly. “I think for Sarah’s case, stay away from the Disney channel simply because of the connection that has to her. It might spark her back into a routine and a mindset that she needs to get out of.”

I nod. That’s easy. There’s that channel blocker stuff on the tv. I’ll do that. “I can do that.”

She smiles at me and taps a pen against her desk. “Just a few more things and then I’ll let you guys go. Um, I’d like you to start keeping a journal.” She says to me. I kind of give her a shocked look. What the hell? “I know, I know this is a hard thing. But I think for your own self it’ll help you get out some frustration or emotion you have. But also you can keep a record of what Sarah does or says that confuses you or if makes progress or acts out. It you write it down, when we come back to our meetings you’ll be able to remember and let me know and that’ll help so much. And you can always call me, especially if she asks you something that you don’t know the answer of.” She bites her lip for a moment and starts to look uncomfortable. I don’t like that. She’s the doctor. She should be able to say whatever she wants. She’s the one in charge. She shouldn’t look uneasy. “Which leads me to something that uh, is a hard subject to approach…”

“And that is.” I say quickly.

She licks her lips, looks at Sarah for a bit and then turns and stares right at me. I feel like I’m about to get in trouble. “I’m sure you are aware she has no idea about sexuality.” I suck in a breath. Oh. “I don’t think she knows what the word sex means. And as a 21 year old she does have sexuality, its part of being a human being. It’s a physical thing we all have to deal with. She is going to have desire yet her brain might not recognize that as sexual, so she might act out. With Patrick…” I gulp. Why did she say his name? She just said it so casually. What the hell? What’s this bitch on? “He initiated all sexuality with her so it might not be a problem and she might not act out. But for you, as a man in his mid twenties, you need to make sure that you keep a strong distance from her in the sexual sense. I think if I had one worry about this situation it would be that. You’ve been through hell Justin and that can change people’s mind and not blaming you or saying you might try something on Sarah, but people can get very confused. Sitting here talking to her at times she seems like her age but she is clearly not at the capability of a twenty-one year old.” She looks at a notebook she has and runs a pen down it and then taps it against it. I wonder what’s on the notebook. I want to ask to see what she’s written down. “I probably won’t start discussing sexuality with her for a while because we have a lot to get through until we can tackle that, but if something comes up where she asks a question or behaves in a sexual way, just give me a call or write it down and we’ll figure out how to handle it, ok?”

I nod. I need to get out of here. I need some air. I need to go home and take a nap and lay with my dogs and maybe with Sarah and tone out today. Wait, I guess I can’t lay with Sarah cause that’s too close, that’s sexual. Shit, have I been doing things wrong? I don’t want her thinking I’m uncle. I need to calm down. Yeah, I just need to sleep. “O…ok.”

The doctor sighs and pushes back from her desk and smiles. “Well it was great finally meeting you two…” She stands up and sticks out a hand to me. I stand up and shake it and then she turns to Sarah. “And I’m really looking forward to helping you both. Sarah, I want us to become good friends, ok?”

She just stares and I pat her back and she scrambles up from her chair and stands next to me, looking up at me. I smile at her. “Lisa’s nice, isn’t she?”

She stares at me and nods, but doesn’t smile. “She doesn’t ask questions.”

I smile at her and look at the doctor, thankful we’re free and we’re going home and that it’ll all be ok. “Thank you Dr. Cantapolis.”

She smiles at me. “It’s Lisa to you both. I’m serious Justin, call me if you need me. And I will make house calls if necessary, but she needs to get out of the house so let’s try to keep bringing her here. And don’t fool yourself. Get someone you can talk to objectively, ok? I can recommend a lot of wonderful therapists if you need some help.”

I open the door and Mike stands up and looks in. Sarah laughs at him, pointing at his feet. He gives me a weird look and I just shrug. I don’t know what she’s doing. I have no idea what’s going on in her head and that reminds me of something and I quickly turn around and quietly say, “Ok, can…can I ask you something?”

“Of course.” She nods, holding onto the door.

“Is it really, really bad?” She bites her lip and I rub my forehead a little. Shit, I need some Advil. “Like, is there a chance everything will, ya know, be normal?”

She sighs and shakes her head a bit. “Justin it’s never going to be normal. She’s never going to be a regular woman out in the world, but I believe we can help her become independent. And I think there is a good chance if we all work really hard, we can get her to think like her age. She’s a very special case and very special girl and we’re gonna get her some help. I promise you that.”

“Ok.” I just nod and start to walk out. I look at Sarah and put my hand on her back and she gives me a hug, a big one, squeezing me tight and smiling and singing my name to some melody in her head.

“You guys have a good afternoon. It was nice meeting you Sarah. I can’t wait for us to hang out again next week.” I smile and wave, thankful this is all over with. Until next week. We walk down the hall, past the front desk and out into the parking lot. It’s bright as hell out here, and I pull my sunglasses from where they are hooked into the neck of my shirt and put them over my eyes. Sarah’s still hanging onto me, singing to me.

She clutches me tighter when we get outside and I look at her. “Are you ok? Was that ok?”

She nods and says in a quiet voice, “She was nice.”

“She’s gonna help you, ok? She gonna help both of us.”

We get to the car and Mike unlocks the doors and I get in the backseat with her and see that she’s figured out her seatbelt herself. That makes me happy. Maybe she will be a fast learner. “I’m hungry.” She says to me.

“Me too. What do you want for lunch?” She shrugs, bounces a little in her seat and looks outside. Wow, she’s like a new person, not even terrified of outside. Maybe the therapy stuff really does work. I smile at her and whisper, “I kind of want pizza.”

She giggles and leans back against the seat and closes her eyes like she’s tired. She really is a pretty girl. I run my hand over her head and slide over to the middle seat in the car and put my arm around her to hold her. This isn’t sexual. I’m not even thinking sexual thoughts. I don’t know what the doctor was saying but this has to be ok. She sighs against me and laughs when my stomach rumbles and she puts her hand over my stomach. I tell Mike to take use home and he starts up the car and we start moving.

I amazed how quickly she falls asleep against me and I touch her arm and her head. I’m glad she’s getting help and even though Dr. Cantapolis said that she’ll never be fully ok, never be normal, it’s some peace of mind to know that she’s gonna get better. I want her to get better. I...I want to get better myself.

I know I’ll never fully be ok, either. I know that for the rest of my life I’ll probably be a paranoid freak, but I’ll have Sarah and we’ll get better together and one day everything will be all right. It just will. Everything will get better.