Chapter 18

It’s quiet.

Lately, I don’t mind the quiet. Noises make me jump, make me question. Silence lets me think, think about what’s happening to me, what I’m becoming. It lets me wrap my brain around Sarah and try to really figure her out and figure out how to get in there and make her better. It’s like a blanket. It’s warm and comforting, except at night. At night it becomes cold and biting and it eats me alive. I’ve started to sleep with the TV on for just a dull noise to drown out the quiet. I still sleep with my dogs, but I’ve…I’ve made Sarah sleep in her own bed. She’s had a couple nightmares, but, but I was afraid of having her near me after what her therapist said about trying not to be sexual.

I feel like every time I look at her or I get near her I’m gonna do something and she’s going to attack me and start kissing me. I mean, I…I know that won’t happen. But I just can’t take the chance of doing something that he would have done, or something that would remind her of that. I mean, I haven’t even been able to get it up since…since before we were kidnapped. I guess that’s sick. I guess that means I’m more messed up than I realize. Just another piece of evidence that Justin is a freak.

Great.

But then again, I guess, if I was jacking off all the time I’d be fucked up, too. I’m sure Dr. Burke would love that.

The TV starts showing some people kissing so I pick up the remote and turn it to ESPN. I hear a sigh from the person sitting in the chair a few feet away. I look at him.

He’s quiet. Everyone is. And this, this is the type of quiet that I hate. The nighttime silence is horrible, but this makes me angry, this gets on my nerves. This doesn’t make me want to hide but makes me want to scream. It makes me want to hit something and run out and get in my car and drive as fast as I can, going nowhere, just going. I’d love to get away. I’d love to take Sarah and get away. I told that to Dr. Cantapolis. I think I scared her. She said that would mess Sarah up even more. I know she’s right. But, but I just want to get away. A vacation wouldn’t be that bad.

A vacation got me here, in this hell.

She said I was running away. She’s right, but it doesn’t make the desire for it lessen. Running away isn’t always a bad thing.

But I guess with all the progress Dr. Cantapolis claims Sarah is doing it would be bad. But I’m not making any progress. And it’s only been a fucking week. How much progress can happen after two therapy sessions?

I shouldn’t be complaining. I should be rejoicing that she’s getting better, that she’s improving more in her lessons and opening up more than her therapist thought she would. I should be happy. But I haven’t seen a change, yet. She’s still shy, quiet Sarah to me. Sometimes seems like she’s my age, especially when she stares at me, but then she opens her mouth and starts to smile.

And it’s clear she’s a five or six year old or whatever she’s supposed to be.

I stretch my arms over my head, glad that the pain I normally feel with that movement on my right side is finally starting to really fade away. I’ve got a week more in this damned brace. I yawn, making a loud noise that makes her giggle. I just can’t stand that silence. It’d be ok if it was just Sarah and I, if we were just here on the couch together, the dogs under the coffee table, watching TV. But no, we aren’t alone. Trace and Elisha are here and they aren’t talking. They’re just sitting, watching TV with us and it really, really annoys me. Trace is on the chair and Elisha is on the other couch barely paying attention to the TV, but not looking at me. I know they want something. I knew as soon as he called me and said, “Hey, can we come over to hang out,” I knew right then something was up. I should have told him “no” but then Sarah asked what I was doing. I told her I was talking to Trace and she squealed and said she missed him and wanted to see him.

When he came in the house she cowered behind me, smiling, but wouldn’t say hi or hug him or anything. She hasn’t even talked to him. She’s only stared blankly at Elisha.

She seems weird around other women. She’s ok around her doctor, but we actually talked about it, Lisa and I. She feels much more comfortable around men, yet at the same time men scare her more than women. It’s almost as if she had no real connection to her own sex. She’s still just kind of staring at Elisha. I mean, it’s not creepy, I don’t think so. She’s not staring her down, but I’ve caught her looking at her a little bit.

At one point she sat up on the couch and made herself sit just like Elisha was, with one leg curled under her and the other hanging off the end of the couch. It weirded me out, so I got her attention by petting the couch and making the dog jump up in between us so she would be distracted. It worked. Her and Franco seem to have some bond. I think he likes her more than me now.

Dr. Cantapolis said Sarah’s connection with the dogs is a positive thing. She was also happy that Sarah seemed to have some memory of the alphabet and of numbers. Apparently she had gone to pre-school and kindergarten and had some retention of that knowledge. But it’s strange, she has no real memory of colors and can’t distinguish them by word. But she knows how to color a picture. She knows to use the green pencil for trees and grass and the light blue one for sky. In fact, the doctor has told me to encourage her drawing. Last night we went out on the porch and I sat there with my guitar, something…something I haven’t done in months and she sat on the floor with a pad and some pencils and sketched my backyard and some other scenes that must have been in her head. Then she drew me lying in the lounge chair, strumming and humming along. I didn’t figure out anything new, I just played some old songs. Nothing original would come to me. I almost freaked my self out about that. What if nothing original ever comes again?

What if I can’t sing again or write music?

I…I hadn’t even really thought about playing music until that night. I hadn’t listened to a record or the radio or anything. I almost freaked myself out. I stopped playing and almost had a panic attack. But Sarah smiled at me and told me not to stop playing.

I think she liked my singing and my guitar. At least I hope so. I played for hours.

It was nice too, to be outside, even though we were only five feet from the door inside my house. Maybe, maybe we’ll do that again tonight. I guess it’ll depend on how long the happy couple decides to grace us with their presence.

They might be sitting several feet apart on separate seats but damn, it’s like just fucking rub it in my face that your damn lives are perfect. Shit, shit I know that’s unfair. It’s not like I’m not happy to see Trace, I mean, sure we’ve been through so much together and ya know, he’s my best friend.

But I just can’t talk to him like I use to because I know he doesn’t approve of what I’m doing with Sarah. There’s been times before when I’ve done things he hasn’t agreed with but, but this is different. For some reason this is a hell of a lot different. This is serious and I just, it’s not fucking fair that he gets to come back and be happy and laughing and shit and get married to his dream girl and everything while I’m stuck all alone with a girl who doesn’t know a damn thing.

I suck in a breath.

I don’t mean that. I really don’t. She knows a lot. For her situation and everything that’s happened to her, she’s so fucking smart and she’s trying. She really is trying so hard. And I’m not alone, I have Mike around a lot and my mom calls me even though I sometimes avoid her and…and I got Sarah. So I’m not alone. And I could have had my dream girl with me and been happy if I was a selfish asshole and if I could just forget everything that happened down there. But I can’t. I can’t forget about it like he has. I can’t just move on.

I’m trying my best and, and I can’t just forget about Sarah like he has. I can’t just leave her to make her own way. I have to be the one to help her. I just do.

But it doesn’t mean that he and Elisha should rub it in my face that they are so fucking in love and shit. I mean yeah, they aren’t even looking at each other or sitting together but I can just tell, just sense it that they are all perfect together. They always have been. Even before it all happened. I was always the one with problems. I was always complaining to him about Cameron or always telling him how I fucked up with her. And he’d listen and be great and then laugh and say he had to go meet up with his girl for drinks or had to go fuck her or something because their relationship was fan-fucking-tastic.

I hate it.

I hate it because I know better. I know that there is nothing in this damn world that perfect, and one of these days it’s gonna blow up in their faces and he’s gonna be alone and fucked up just as much as I am. I just wish he could know that now because it’s gonna be harder to deal with later.

I take my attention off the screen that’s playing some shampoo commercial and look at Elisha. She’s sitting up off the couch glancing at Sarah and then smiling at me and then Trace. “Anybody want anything to drink?”

I need a moment myself and wave at her before sitting up and stretching. “I’ll get it, what do you guys want?”

Trace glances at me, but he doesn’t really look at me, just moves his head so I assume he’s acknowledging me. He hasn’t acknowledged me since I opened the door. “A beer for me.”

“Water’s fine.”

I ignore Elisha and glare at Trace’s head. He’s still staring at the TV, paying me no mind, like he just doesn’t even care. Whatever. I can’t believe he comes here asking for a beer. I don’t keep alcohol in my house anymore. I’m not…I’m not allowed. Dr….Dr. Lisa and Dr. Burke say it’s not good with Sarah around and with me being…unstable. Bull shit.

I don’t know why I followed through with it. I deserve a night of getting fuck faced. Too bad I got bigger responsibilities now. “I don’t have beer. You’ll have to settle for water, juice or coke.”

“Water’s fine.” He shrugs and continues to stare at the TV.

I walk into the kitchen and lean myself against the wall there where they can’t see me. I wish they would leave. I wish they’d just do whatever they need to do to make themselves feel better. I know they feel like I’m some old lady or some kid that has cancer and they are “visiting” out of obligation. I use to have to do that shit with my mom when I was a kid. I hated it. And I wish they’d just stop and get over it and get out. I wanna help Sarah with her lessons and those DVDs to help her learn stuff came in the mail today and I wanna pop them in and see what they are all about and work on them with her.

I push myself off the wall, the sooner I get them drinks the sooner I can make up some shit that I have to do and get them out of here.

I pull out some glasses and walk to the fridge.

“Lemme help, ok?”

I jump at the sound of her voice and glance at her with narrowed eyes before turning around again and opening the door. “I’ve got it.”

The cool air feels good and I just stand there for a moment with my eyes closed, letting my body relax. I ignore her and finally open my eyes and pull out the carton of juice and a couple bottles of water.

“Justin…” I hear her say my name and then I feel her touch me. I jump and look down at her. She’s beside me, looking up at me with this face full of concern, her blonde hair pulled back just like Cameron use to do. She doesn’t even know. She doesn’t care. She’s just faking it. Her lips let out a sigh and she smiles at me. “How are you doing?”

Ya know, I’ve always found Elisha attractive. I always told Trace he sure did land a pretty one with her. But right now she’s a little too close to me. It’s not like I ever thought she’d want me that way and I’ve never thought of her that way, but now, it’s like she’s trying to come onto me. Fuck, I don’t need her. I don’t need Cameron. I don’t need some girl ruling my life and shit.

“I’m fine,” I say to her and start to poor Sarah and I some orange juice.

“Why won’t you talk to him?”

I set the carton down a little harder than I intended and look down at her. Her eyes are rounded. They blink at me and I say very slowly because it seems like whenever I try to explain myself to anyone lately they don’t understand and they can’t comprehend. “‘Cause I can’t just forget it like he has, ok? I can’t just move past it. I’ve got more important things to deal with now with Sarah around. I have to worry about her, not him.”

She shakes her head. “He hasn’t forgotten it. He’s not past it. He barely sleeps. But he’s trying. Dammit, Justin you should try, too. How’s therapy going?”

I rub my forehead and turn so I’m resting back against the counter. “She’s doing great. The doctor thinks she….”

“Not her, you…”

“Oh…..”

I lick my lips and cross my arms over my chest, staring at the clock on the microwave on the other side of the wall above the stove. They’ve been here two hours, it’s been too long and I want them out. I don’t want her prying, hell I don’t even want him prying. I know he doesn’t give a shit. I don’t care if she says he barely sleeps, neither do I. At least he’s getting fucking married.

“Well?”

“It’s alight.” I shrug and lie through my teeth. I hate therapy. I hate it with a passion. I’ve been twice, well the doctor’s come here twice because I told him I can’t leave Sarah. He thinks that I’m stupid for keeping her. He hasn’t said it but I know he thinks it. He tries to make jokes, tries to get me to smile. It doesn’t work. And he’s always fucking disorganized, always looking for a fucking pen, always sitting on my couch, shifting around like he’s unsure and scared. He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. He says I’m in denial. Denial over fucking what? It’s not like I don’t admit I was kidnapped. I know I was, I know I was down there. I know what I saw and what I experienced. Doctor fucking Burke doesn’t know shit. All he’s knows is what he got to get a fucking degree, what he read in a god damn book. He doesn’t know anything about me, or Sarah or my situation.

I think I might cancel therapy tomorrow. The last thing I need right now is one more person telling me I need help, that I’m not well, that I’m fucking nuts, that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I’m fucking trying, aren’t I?

“Have you even gone!?”

I lock my jaw. I could hit something. I could just punch something until they bleed. I wanna see him fucking bleed. It’s not fair that they shot him easily with one fucking bullet. They should have kept him alive so I could have killed that son of a bitch with my own hands. I suck in a breath through my nostrils and let it out, speaking low, “Yes, I’ve fucking gone, so back off ok? I’m not your fiancé and you aren’t my mother so stop treating me like it.”

“Calm down. I’m not attacking you.” She’s right. I need to just, just fucking calm down. I take a few breaths and turn to grab my oj, gulping it down quickly. Shit, I almost really lost it. I need to stop that. I need to keep myself in check. I just, sometimes I just get so mad and…and seeing Trace and Elisha, it…it makes me fucking jealous as hell.

Elisha leans up beside me and nudges me, smiling again, “Look, Trace and I are going to Hawaii in a few weeks. He wants to get away and just live his life and…and we want you to come with us…” She smiles again, a far off sparkle or something in her eye, something I haven’t seen since we’ve gotten back, something, something I haven’t seen in a women before all this. Sometimes women get this look in their eyes, maybe it’s just the reflection, maybe men have it too and I just don’t notice it. But I haven’t seen it in my mother, and Sarah doesn’t have it, but now, now Elisha is getting it back.

I frown. I should be happy for her. I should hug her and tell her I’m so glad she’s gonna marry my best friend and make him happy, but I’m not. I’m not happy for her. I can’t stand it.

“Wouldn’t that be great? Remember when we all went last time,” she says.

“I’m not with Cameron anymore. It’s not gonna be like it use to be.”

She bites her lip, and I know she’s trying to choose her words carefully, “I know that. But you could use the rest and the relaxation. I promise you won’t be the third wheel. Plus, when you guys go golfing I’ll be as far away as possible.”

I stand there for a minute and think about it. Maybe, maybe it wouldn’t be bad. I mean I’ve always loved Hawaii. Maybe, maybe I’d have the energy to go surfing or golfing like she says. And I could just sleep in and enjoy myself. If I could get the doctors in on it. It…it would be nice, get Sarah away from this, show her the world. I chew on my lip and nod, “I wouldn’t be the third wheel. That…that might be a good idea. I mean I’d have to clear it with Dr. Lisa, but yeah. Sarah can come too, and she can see more than just my house and maybe get out. Go to that same private place we were before so it’s more secluded. Yeah…that’s…”

She cuts me off. “Sarah can’t come Justin.”

I just stare at her. What? I know she’s not about to do this. I know she’s not about to pull this on me. She has no right, no place.

“What?”

“I don’t know how to say this but, but you’ve changed.”

I could kill her myself. I close my eyes and clench my fist, calm down Justin, calm the fuck down. “I was fucking kid-”

“No Justin, don’t use that as an excuse. Trace has changed too, but the guy I love is still there. You….you’re different. What do you think you can do with her? Do you really think you’re the one that can bring her back to reality? She’s nuts Justin…she…”

I turn and stare right at her, inches away. She’s short just like Sarah, but she’s not helpless and she’s not unsure. She should know fucking better than to mess with me right now. “Shut up, Elisha. You have no fucking…”

She breathes deeply and inches out from me and away, walking over to the sink and gazing out at the window that looks out over the side of my yard. “I’m worried about you. We all are.” She looks at me. “I talked to your mother, she’s a fucking wreck. She….we went to lunch, her and Trace and I and she gave us these pamphlets…” She reaches behind her and I’m surprised I didn’t notice them until now. She’s got a couple pieces of paper folded up and sticking out of the back pocket of her jeans. She hands them to me. I don’t want to take them. I don’t want to. “She wanted us to see if we could just, get them in your hands. She wants you to look at them.”

“What is this?” I glance down at them and read, “Brooke Farms Rehabilitation Community” I look at the next one and see, “Sunrise Ranch: Home for Women.”

I glance up at Elisha. She has got to be kidding.

Dear God, please tell me she’s kidding before I lose it on her.

I’m seriously about to lose it. I can feel it bubbling up. I can feel myself, like I’m watching it in slow mo, I can feel myself get angrier and angrier and angrier and angrier.

I can’t stop staring at her and I clench my teeth so hard it starts to hurt.

“Come to Hawaii with us Justin and leave her at one of these places. Let them help make her better. They’re professionals, they know what they are doing. It’s their job. She is not your job Justin. She’s not your daughter or your sister or your girlfriend. She’s not related to you, she’s not a part of you. You need to work on yourself before you even attempt trying to work on anyone else. And even then she’s not your responsibility.”

I blink at her. “Get out.” I can’t think of anything else to say, and she needs to get out of my face, my house, my fucking life before I do something I sure as hell am gonna regret.

“What?”

“Get out of my house.”

She shakes her head and touches my arm. She fucking touches my arm. “Justin…”

I yell at her, I know I shouldn’t but…but I do and I shake those stupid pamphlets at her until she takes them. I don’t wanna touch them. I don’t want them even near me. “Get out! Take your fucking pamphlets and tell my mother that until she has the guts to talk to me and tell me she thinks I’m a freak herself, then she needs to stop using you as her little messenger. Until then I don’t want to see her, or you, or Trace. You got that? I’m tired of everyone telling me what to do. You don’t know. You weren’t there. You have no fucking clue what went on. So don’t preach to me about scampering off to Hawaii to run away and forget everything. I can’t just forget her. I can’t just drop her off at fucking adult daycare and say ‘good luck’, and go get a fucking tan and golf with you and Trace. I can’t do that! And if you don’t understand that, that’s fine, then you can just get the fuck out of my life.”

She stares at me and takes a breath and then says slowly, “You’re right, I wasn’t there Justin. I have no idea. But that man in there, he does. He knows what went down. He was there with you every minute and you’re shutting him out and you’re breaking him a part.”

I step closer to her, feeling good about myself when I tower over her. She’s just a little girl, she doesn’t even know anything. She knows nothing. So fucking naïve. “But he’s got you, right? He seems fine to me, all smiles and happy and getting fucking married. Next thing you know you’ll be popping out a few with a nice house and a fenced in yard, perfect and everything. He can run away from everything for all as I care, but I have more important things to deal with. I’ve got Sarah and I’m not just gonna hand her over like some puppy to the fucking pound. You’re right she’s not related to me, but she is a fucking part of me that I have to make better Elisha. I have to make her better, for my own sake.”

She laughs at me.

She actually fucking laughs at me. “You’ve lost it.”

I smile in her fucking face and call out, “Trace….”

A moment later I can see him approach us out of the corner of my eyes and he says casually, “Yup?”

I grab Elisha’s shoulders and push her towards Trace. She stumbles a little bit of the way and I just shake my head. “Get your girl and get the fuck out of my house.”

“What….whoa,” He grabs her a little bit and she just shakes her head like she’s trying to brush me off, like I’m a fucking disease. He gets a protective look in his eyes and comes up to me and pushes me a little bit. What the fuck is he gonna do? Really? Trying to protect his fucking girl from some big bad Justin who’s gone crazy? He’s naïve as much as she is. He couldn’t do shit to me. “Back the fuck off, ok?”

“Get out, now.”

“What the hell are you on?”

I lick my lips and tower over him, staring him down. “Don’t do this right now, Trace. I’m serious.”

“R-right…” He crumbles. The protective, angry face he had on fades and he shifts his eyes to the ground and cowers away.

That’s what I fucking thought.

“Well, I’ll…I’ll call you later,” he stumbles, grabbing Elisha’s hand and walking out of my kitchen and towards the foyer.

“Don’t bother….” I go to walk in front of them and hold open the front door for them, glad they are leaving, happy they are getting the fuck out of my house, out of my god damn life. “Go have a nice fucking vacation. Hope it’s all that you dreamed of!”

They walk out and Trace turns around to look at me or say something.

I slam the door in his fucking pathetic face.

It echoes in my house and I turn around angrily. I need to hit something, or run, or I don’t know. I just need to do something physical and…

I look up. She’s staring at me, those brown eyes huge and staring right at me. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Did she see that? Did she see me get in that rage? Fuck, I can’t…I can’t do this. I can’t just blow up like this because she’ll…she’ll freak out.

“J-Justin?”

She says my name in a question, like she doesn’t know if it’s really me, like I’m possessed with someone she’s afraid of. Like, like I’m him. Fuck.

I step towards her and she steps back. “Sarah…” I sigh and look right at her. God, please don’t cry. “I’m sorry.”

“You got mad.” Her voice is small.

“Yeah, yeah I did. But I’m ok now.”

“Did he do something bad?”

“Wh-what? No…” I shake my head and come closer to her, moving quickly so she can’t back away. I want her to know I’m not bad. Shit, just…just ‘cause I got upset and mad doesn’t mean I’m bad. “No. I’m just, I’m just frustrated.”

“Because of me.”

I pull her into me, tired of watching her look down at the floor, defeated and depressed. I don’t care if I’m getting to close, I need her with me. She latches onto me tightly, like she’s been needing this and missing this. “Sarah, you’ve done nothing wrong. I’m just trying hard to make you better, and not everyone understands that because they think I need to get better before I can help you. But, but why can’t we do this together, like as a team? I think that’s the best way, together.”

“I like that.”

“Me too. I’m sorry I got so upset.” I run my hand over her hair. I’ve been meaning to get her that haircut. I haven’t yet, but her hair is different than it was before. She brushes it now. Dr. Lisa told me she was going to try and teach Sarah some basic female grooming things that as an adult woman she needs to know. I didn’t even think about things like that. Her hair is silky now and smooth, instead of limp and stringy like it was before. “I want you to know that, that I’d never hurt you. I get angry and frustrated, but, but I’m not gonna turn into him.”

“I know. You’re my friend, you’re good.” She keeps her arms around me but pulls back and smiles up at me brightly, her eyes…her eyes shining. “Me and Lisa talked about how you are different.”

I stare at her and she buries her face in the front of my t shirt. I don’t know what that means. “Oh…”

I don’t know if I like that. I don’t know if I want to be different. I don’t want to be him, I don’t want her to think I’ve taken uncle’s place or that I’m trying to be him, but….but I don’t want to be different. I want to be normal again, I want to be me.

I guess I was never normal to begin with.

“Can I work in my books some more?”

I nod at her. She really does like her workbooks. I normally have to tell her what she has to do since she can’t really read directions yet. I have this workbook that goes along with it to like, help me teach her. It’s weird, it’s really like teaching a child. Maybe, maybe we can sit outside and she can work on that and I’ll write in my journal and help her. Yeah, yeah that’ll be relaxing.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll help.” I nod at her and feel her pull away, but she holds my hand in hers and it makes me feel safe and it makes me feel comforted. I’m glad that, that even though I can almost lose it, she’s there to pull me back. Shit, why is she pulling me back?

I thought that was my job. I thought I was supposed to be helping her, not…not the other way around.

I’m a mess a fucking mess.

And it’s just getting worse.