Being on tour with *NSYNC was… surreal, for lack of a better word. 

It was mesmerizing, exciting, stimulating, hectic and… exhausting. And I wasn’t even the one doing anything. The guys were, however, so amazing, so energetic, so happy. 

Their schedule was always packed. The only down time they ever had was when they were between shows, on the buses. 

For the second week of me being with them on tour I was already all caught up with their routine. We would arrive in a city in the morning. If it was a one night show we’d go directly to the venue, if it was a two night show or the next night was off we’d go to a hotel. The morning and early afternoon would be spent doing promotional stuff. Usually a local radio station interview, appearances on local TV shows, sometimes a stop at a record store to sign CD’s and merchandise. 

I was part of a whole entourage of people, who I learned would usually come and go for the duration of the tour. The ones that usually always stuck around were Justin’s mom, Lynn, Lance’s mom, Diane, Joey’s brother Steve. And then siblings, parents  and friends would come and go. Girls, too. It made me wonder if I was the first girl JC had ever brought on tour, but I really didn’t need to know the answer so I never asked. 

Depending on the city we were in and what touristy things there were to do, we would take a small tour in the morning, sometimes we’d go shopping, sometimes we just hung around. I always tried to make it back in time for soundcheck. 

I loved soundcheck. It was usually laid back, the guys had fun. There were sometimes fans there, and it was just a very intimate feel. I loved watching JC as he became the leader, focusing on the tiniest details, pushing the other guys towards perfection. But he was never bossy, never rude. And his bandmates accepted and very clearly welcomed everything he had to say. The love and respect between them was so tangible. 

I liked watching soundcheck from the floor. Especially if there were fans there. I felt like a spy, undercover, feeling out the crowd. Of course everyone was always so excited to see them. Their fans loved them, and they loved their fans. 

The few moments between the meet and greet and showtime was quiet time. The guys usually spent it alone, getting ready, getting dressed and finally playing hacky. 

I used to wait for him after they were done with their little ritual to kiss him and wish him good luck. 

And off they were. 

I always watched the whole show while the rest of their entourage sometimes hung out, watched for a while, went backstage, I was out there, every night, totally into their performance. 

I especially loved how JC transformed on that stage. Gone was the rambling, mumbling, shy, everyone-talks-over-him guy you would  see in interviews and out came this seductive, confident, electric being. He was aggressive, passionate, and sexy. It reminded me of his demeanor in the bedroom. He knew what he wanted, he had what he needed, he knew exactly what he was doing and he knew how to take you where he wanted you to go. 

I found myself being completely turned on by him as I stood backstage watching him, biting my bottom lip. A hand upon my shoulder snapped me out of my trance and I turned around startled. Lynn Harless was standing behind me with two bottles of water. She smiled wide. 

“I am so sorry sweetheart, didn’t mean to scare you,” she said, handing me one of the bottles of water. “You look a little hot over here.” I smiled shyly not knowing if she was teasing me or if she was just being nice. I sometimes had a hard time understanding the southern accent, especially over the loud music. I giggled and took the bottle, quickly uncapping it and taking a couple of sips.

She stood beside me to watch the show. 

“It’s fascinating, isn’t it?” she said as we both glanced in the direction of the show. My eyes directly on JC, hers I bet directly on Justin. 

“It is,” I said smiling. 

“My Justin has always been outgoing but he really finds himself on that stage. He’s grown up on it and feels at home there.” she said, almost to herself. I smiled wide. 

“You’re good for him, you know?” she said now turning to face me. I looked into her face and could feel my face starting to feel warm. 

“I’ve known JC for a long time. Since he was a kid,” she turned towards the stage again. “You’re good for him.” she repeated. 

I sighed. “he’s good for me,” I finally said. We both stared into space for a while. Then she squeezed my shoulder again and walked away and I resumed my marveling at JC. 

I sat at the little table beside the sink in JC’s, Justin’s and Chris’ bus, with a book in my hand, my knees to my chest, waiting for them. Two catered dinners in the microwave, an open can of coke in front of me. 

JC came walking in with a towel around his neck, freshly showered. I looked up at him and smiled, he bent down and kissed my head. 

“Did you watch?”

“Always.”

“And?”

“Amazing.”

“Nah,” he said, sitting down in front of me and taking the can of coke, “I screwed up on the bridge in I drive myself crazy, almost fell off the stage with the thrust in Space Cowboy, almost missed my mark for the high note on bye bye bye.” He took a sip of coke with a puzzled look on his face. “Among other screw ups.” 

“Well, no one noticed babe. You looked hot, sounded hot, everyone loved you guys.” He scrunched his nose at me with a smirk. 

“You love me, your opinion doesn’t count.” 

“You love me, my opinion should be the only one that counts. Hungry?” I stood up and walked over to the microwave to heat up the food, giggling at the obvious answer to my question. 

We ate quickly. JC cleared the plates and then we sat on the small couch. My back to the wall, my legs on tops of JC’s, his left arm around my waist, his right on my thigh, his nose buried in the crook of my neck. I was softly scratching at his scalp. 

“Did you like San Diego?” he asked. “Uh huh,” I mumbled too busy concentrating on his breath on my skin and his fingers softly digging into my flesh. 

“Next time we’re here we’re going to the zoo,” he rubbed his nose against my earlobe and then caught it between his teeth. I giggled. 

“Have you liked life on the road?” he asked, lifting his head and looking me in the face. 

“I have actually,” I replied, grabbing his face and planting a peck on his lips. “I never thought I’d sleep so well on a moving vehicle. You were right, it rocks you right to sleep.” 

He smirked, devilishly. 

“You know what else you probably haven’t done in a moving vehicle?” his lips immediately on mine, stifling my laughter as his tongue made his way into my mouth. I closed my eyes and started kissing him back but suddenly stopped and pushed him off slightly. 

“Where’s Justin and Chris?” JC chuckled. Obviously amused that I hadn’t noticed their absence until then. 

“They’re riding with Lance and Joey. I told them we needed some privacy,” he leaned down to resume what he was doing. 

I felt my cheeks turning red. “So the giggling and teasing tomorrow will be unbearable?” JC laughed louder this time. “Yep!” 

I laughed alongside him and happily embraced his advances towards me. 

“Aren’t we going to be in Pasadena in just a couple hours?” I asked between kisses. 

“Yes, but I can’t wait that long.” He pushed my legs to the side and stood up, grabbing my hand and dragging me to the back of the bus where the bunks were. 

We stumbled off the bus, JC grabbing at the clothes I had just put on to walk outside, giggling proudly as I swatted his hand away. We walked right into a frenzy of girls holding signs and taking pictures, screaming and crying. I instinctively let go of JC’s hand and slowed my pace down. He turned around frowning at me, grabbed my hand again and pulled me to his side, proudly displaying me in front of the fans. He waved and smiled as the body guards held the flock of girls back so we could walk into the hotel. 

We had already been checked in, one of the assistants to their manager handed each of the guys a card key. JC slipped it into my hand, “Go on up, I’ll be right there.” I started to turn away from him as he pulled me to him by my hand. “Hey… I love you,” he whispered and planted a sweet peck on my lips. Then we parted ways, as I pressed the elevator door I turned around to see JC walking up to the group of guys who greeted him with cheers and high fives, I shook my head laughing as I stepped into the elevator. “Children!” 

It was only about 15 minutes until JC found his way to the room. He found me lying in bed, under the covers, half asleep, with the TV turned on to a cartoon channel. 

He undressed quickly and slipped into bed with me. He snuggled up to me. 

“We don’t have anything early tomorrow, just a radio station interview at noon. Afternoon is free, maybe we can enjoy a little California sun by the pool.” he said quietly followed by a yawn. 

“Sounds great,” we quickly fell asleep in each other’s arms. 

A loud bang on the door woke us up in a startle. JC looked around the room disoriented and squinted his eyes. 

“What the hell?” he said looking around trying to find the clock on the nightstand. 8:30AM. Bang Bang Bang “Yo C, we need you for a minute,” came the bodyguard’s voice loud, through the door. 

I pulled the covers over my head and grunted, we had gotten to bed around 3 am, so I was not amused. 

“What the hell?” said JC again as he dragged himself out of bed and walked over to the door. 

“What the hell Lonnie?!” he practically yelled. 

“I’m very sorry man, but we have a situation in the lobby. You need to get down there right now.” 

“Jayce, it appears you double booked yourself, genius!” Chris yelled into the room as he passed it on the hallway.

Upon hearing this I sat up on the bed, hugging the sheets to my chest and stretched my neck towards the door. 

“What?” JC sounded as confused as me. 

“Yeah, thing is,” said Lonnie in a quiet voice, “She’s downstairs demanding to see you.” My heart stopped for a second. 

JC’s head turned violently towards me and then back to Lonnie, his eyes wide, panic in his face. 

“Right now?” he asked a little louder than a whisper. I couldn’t see Lonnie’s face from where I was sitting. JC told him something quietly and shut the door. 

“Babe I need to go downstairs, I um...” he said nervously, picking up the clothes he had thrown on the floor the night before. “I’ll, um… I’ll be right back.” He blew me a kiss and hurried outside. 

I was left sitting on bed, half dressed, confused and unsatisfied. A first. 

I decided I was already up so I dragged myself out of bed and started for the bathroom to take a shower. I knew what was going on. Lonnie had said it. She was downstairs demanding to see him. The girlfriend. And there was JC shacked up in a hotel room with the other woman. I had let myself become the other woman. Chris said he had double booked, like I was some sort of call girl, a joke, a punchline. I sat on the edge of the tub with the water running. Fog started covering the mirror as I blankly stared into my face. An empty feeling taking over me. I took a quick shower and as I was wrapping myself in a towel I heard the door open and close. My heart sank into my chest. I had never felt so dirty. 

“Kiki? Babe?” a soft knock on the bathroom door. Then a head full of messy half curls and two bright blue worried eyes peaked from behind it. I looked away from him, holding the towel to my chest with one hand. I opened the door and walked straight past him. He grabbed my arm softly. 

“Please don’t touch me,” I whispered without looking at him, cringing. He froze with both hands up staring at me. 

I hurriedly grabbed some clothes and quickly went into the bathroom again to get dressed. 

Another soft knock on the door. “Kiki can you please come out here so we can talk?”

I looked at myself in the mirror. Tears threatening my eyes, red cheeks. I didn’t know if I was mad, upset, furious or sad. 

“Baby please… it’s not what you think. Can you come out here so I can explain.”

I smashed the door open. “Fine… explain.” I said with no emotion in my voice. I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. JC walked over slowly and kneeled in front of me. His hand on his thighs, and took a deep breath. 

“It’s not what you think. It’s over.”

“I’ll say,” I huffed under my breath. 

“No!” he said loudly and advanced toward me. Grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. “Not you and me… never you and me.” I was fuming, shook my head, jaw clenched to get his hand off me. 

“Me and her, it’s over… It’s been over… for months.” His tone was so truthful, his eyes so bright, so earnest. 

I looked at him in disbelief. “It has?”

“Yes of course,” he sat back down on his feet, hands on his thighs again. “When we got back from Cancun back in April, before rehearsals began. I just…” he sighed. “I just couldn’t be… with her… or anyone….that wasn’t you” he looked up at me with pleading eyes. “I broke it off the second I realized that. She lives in LA. I guess she held onto the tour schedule and figured it was the best way to get in touch with me. I haven’t exactly been returning her calls.” 

I breathed a little easier again. Took a deep breath. 

“So she’s not here to fight me?” I said half kidding and gave him a little smile. 

“No babe,” he chuckled and advanced towards me, putting himself between my legs and his arms around me. My arms went instinctively around his neck. “She didn’t know you were here. I mean, she’s known about you, for a while. She knows about us. I told her I was in love with you when I broke up with her.”

“I wanna believe you,” I said. “I just felt so dirty just now.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, God I’m so sorry,” he buried his face on my legs. “I should’ve told you but we had never talked about being exclusive, it was actually against the rules, wasn’t it?” I glared at him smiling. I had decided we would not be exclusive, I had not, however, followed the rule. I had not dated anyone else in a while. 

“But I don’t want anyone else… and I really don’t want you to want anyone else,” he sought out my eyes with his. Bright deep blue eyes staring into mine. Making me weak. “I didn’t want to say it over the phone or in an email and I wanted you to be comfortable here with me before getting all clingy and possessive over you.”

“But how would that work? You’re here, I’m there…”

“It’s been working, honey. I love you, I don’t want anyone else. Part of you being here was so you’d see I’m busy, got no time for anything else other than work. We can totally do this. You only have a couple years left of school. We can come and go like we’ve been doing right now.” 

I smiled and pulled him up to me so I could kiss him. 

“Ok.”

“Ok? Like we’re finally being exclusive and in love?”

I laughed loudly and pulled him down onto the bed with me. “Let’s be finally exclusive and in love.”