Chapter 20

Nicki dreamed about Justin and Parker that night. She woke up, feeling as confused as she did in the dream. Justin has been so helpful with all of this, so thoughtful in helping me remember things, or at least reintroduce me to some of my favorite foods, things, places. That first kiss was so romantic, I’ve felt almost butterflies with him this whole time, like there’s more there I’m trying to remember but just can’t. That kiss with Parker was in a moment of endorphin related passion and excitement, then a more tender one last night. I don’t feel that same connection to Parker that I do with Justin, but his schedule is much more dependable than Justin’s. 

She hadn’t looked at her phone since last night, and saw Justin’s invitation for lunch. She replied that she’d be there. She was surprised how quickly her phone buzzed in response. 

I’ll pick you up around 12?  

Sounds good. I’ll see you then.

She made breakfast, her easy cheesy eggs, toast, and orange juice. She tried to think what to do, who to pick, if either of them. 

There’s something ineffable about Justin; his personality, charisma, charm, but he’s also a down to earth guy. He could have used his money to impress me, but he’s being patient with me and letting us really get to know each other. There’s a deep connection there, but he can’t put his career on hold forever. I don’t know if I could handle his schedule, those crazy fans wanting him might after night. 

Parker is more dependable, he’ll be there more. Do I feel a close connection to him like I do Justin? No. If I give it some time, maybe there could be. If not, then there isn’t. 

I’m stuck between a guy I’m crazy about but won’t always be around, versus a guy I could count on but don’t feel that same spark. 

The more she thought about it, the more her head started to hurt. She tried to push it aside, be in the moment. If she’s with one guy, not to think about the other. She knew she couldn’t continue seeing both of them, especially if she couldn’t keep Justin out of her mind. 

Before she knew it, Justin showed up and picked her up. “Hey beautiful,” he said as she opened the front door. He gave her a kiss on the cheek. She grabbed her purse and walked hand in hand with him to his car. He opened her door for her, and they were off to his house. 

“What’s you do last night?” Justin asked. 

“Just grabbed dinner, some coffee, nothing much. Something great happened at work though.”  She told him about how she helped with the code blue, and that it was like a switch flicked that she suddenly felt ready to go back to work. 

“That’s great! Things are starting to come together, hopefully you’ll get more of your memories back.”

They pulled up to Justin’s home, he pulled out the leftovers and heated them up. They sat on the couch watching tv for a bit as they ate, before settling on watching Bruce Almighty. They laughed, and had a conversation that made him pause the movie. 

“If you were Bruce, what would you do?” Nicki asked. 

“I’d give you your memories back. All that’s really missing are the ones of me.”

“You’ve given me some great memories since, I’ll say that,” Nicki responded. “I feel bad that I can’t remember. I wish you could tell me more.”

“You know why I can’t…” Justin sighed. 

“You don’t want me to feel like I have to be who I was before.  You won’t even tell me if we were together. I know we were on a special date the night of the accident, but not our first date. Was it an anniversary?”

“No.  Not a birthday, either.  I can’t tell you without giving the rest away.  I’m sorry.”

“What else would you do if you had God’s power?”

“Ok, this is gonna get pretty deep. If I had it since birth, I’d make it so my half sister didn’t die after she was born. I was in *NSYNC at that point, but watching my dad and stepmom lose their baby, the grief it put them through. I wish she could be here so they would never have gone through that.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m sure old me knew all that, but I’m sorry your family had to deal with that.”

“What would you do? If you have God’s power?”

“I guess I’d heal people. Once a nurse, always a nurse I guess.”

She looked in his eyes, seeing the hurt and vulnerability in his eyes after talking about his sister. She pulled him close, his head resting on her chest. She kissed the top of his head. “I’m sorry, Justin…”  He raised his head, kissing her deeply. 

Damn, his kisses always make me feel so connected to him. A tender, vulnerable moment that feels so comfortable, she thought. 

They continued watching the movie, snuggled together on the couch. Once the movie was over, Nicki brought over the photo album. 

“Tell me more stories, it all sounds so fascinating,” Nicki asked. 

He talked for almost two hours on one page of pictures, telling stories about each one, and side stories for context or to keep the timeline flowing. Nicki just sat, amazed by all the stories he told. 

“Is your life usually that hectic now? I know you said you’re on a break from things, but is it usually that crazy?” she asked.

“Not compared to when we first started out, no. Yeah, there are times where it can be, especially touring, but when I’m not on tour or promoting a tour or album, it’s low key like this.  It helps me stay grounded, keeps things balanced. It also helped that I had you in my life to make sure I slowed down.” 

“Really?” she asked curiously. 

“Really. You were important to me then, you’re important to me now. I always tried my hardest to make time for you.”

Nicki’s phone buzzed. Her eyes went wide when she saw it was from Parker. She’d missed a text earlier saying he’d pick her up at 6. 

Hey, I didn’t hear back from you earlier. I’m on my way over to pick you up for our date. See you soon. 

She felt like she somehow swallowed a huge boulder; this heavy, sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. “Justin, I’m sorry, but I gotta go. I made plans with my friend yesterday and they’re on their way over to pick me up.”

“Ok. Let me put stuff away and I’ll take you home.”  Nicki felt like screaming as he threw away the empty food containers, putting the photo album on the coffee table. She was trying so hard not to show she was in a hurry. 

What do I do if they see each other?? She was starting to panic, when Justin started for the front door. “You coming?” he asked. “I mean, I’m ok if you wanna stay…”

“No, I’m coming,” she said hurriedly.  She was silent most of the drive home, worried about the worst case scenario.  The sun had set, it was getting dark.  That may help me a little, she thought.

She was wrong.