Chapter 24

Nicki’s eyes brightened, her posture more normal. “Really? I asked him earlier if I could see him and he said no…”

“I told him if it’s all over soon, at least you got one last date together instead of ending with a fight.”

“Why would things be over?”

“Um, cause you’re going on another date with Parker to see how things go… How could that NOT signal the end to him?”

“You mean we wouldn’t be friends anymore?”

“And hurt him every time he sees you, especially if you’re with Parker? It’s rare to stay friends with exes, at least for long. Especially how you guys felt about each other.”

“How did I feel about him then?” Nicki asked. 

“The more important question is how do you feel about him NOW?”

“It’s like I have butterflies in my stomach, all the time. I’m happier when he’s around, when I think about him, even hear his songs on my iPod. I can’t wait to see him or talk to him. What does that sound like?”

“That sounds like LOVE Nicki.  We all know that. We just don’t know why you’d give that all up for a shot with Parker. And don’t say because of his schedule. He makes sure he keeps you a priority.”

“At this point, I feel I have to because I said I would. I started to like him, he asked me on a second date, and I said yes. What would I say if I were to cancel? What would he think?”

“He can fuck right off if he gets upset. You tell him the truth. You’re in love with someone else, why risk that for this unknown?”

“Ok, enough talking about Parker, let’s get me ready.  Music?” Nicki said. 

Heather turned on Nicki’s little stereo, pressing play on her iPod. It was in the middle of Tearin’ Up My Heart, during the end of the first chorus before Justin’s verse. She heard Justin singing and it was like he was there singing to her, the words stinging like knives of the pain this was causing him. 

They skipped to another song. Gone started, and was quickly skipped. It Makes Me Ill came next, getting skipped as well. 

“Is there a HAPPY love song they sing?!” Nicki asked aloud. “Maybe no music then… I can’t handle the extra guilt, especially with Justin singing.”

Nicki changed clothes, Heather helped with hair and makeup just to save time. They soon heard a knock at the door. 

“I’ll let him in, you finish the look,” Heather said. She walked down the hall, opening the front door. Justin walked in with a nod. 

“She’s almost ready,” Heather said, trying to not look at him. 

“I’m sorry if it’s weird…”

“It is what it is. It happened. It was more than I ever thought I’d get so I’ll take it. Now we move forward to help you win Nicki back.”

Heather flinched hearing Nicki’s bedroom door open. Justin looked up and smiled. She had on a dark teal shirt, dark jeans, and calf high boots, with a thick black jacket. 

“I’m sure the beach will be busy, but I need to do some thinking, if that’s ok,” Nicki said. 

“Whatever you need,” Justin said. She’s just so damn beautiful, I fall more in love with her every time. I wish I could say she felt the same. “You ready?” he asked. She nodded. They left the house and got in Justin’s car. 

“Music?” he asked as he started the car.

“No, I’m alright. I went to listen to music earlier and all it did was make me sad.”

“What were you listening to?” Justin asked. 

“*NSYNC, it kept playing the sad songs, I had to turn it off cause it felt like you were singing directly to me. I just couldn’t take it.”

“Silence it is, at least music wise.  When do you officially go back to work?”

“Not sure. My leave is at least through the month, but I think there’s some legal stuff that needs to be dealt with, make sure I’m ok to be fully back to work.  Hopefully another couple weeks or so.”

Justin didn’t know what else to say without bringing up Parker somehow, so he just drove quietly. Nicki actually enjoyed the quiet, it helped her think a bit. 

He pulled into a spot overlooking the beach. “So what do we do now?” Justin asked. “Do I sit here while you think, do we sit apart, together, what?”

“Let’s start sitting together, but no body contact, no talking. I just need to watch the waves, hear the pounding of the waves for a while. Once I’m ready to start our date, I think you’ll know.”

Justin grabbed blankets out of his trunk, along with some snacks just in case. They went to her favorite spot, no one else was really around. Justin put the two blankets on the sand next to each other. Nicki sat on one, Justin on the other. 

As Nicki sat and thought, Justin watched the other people on the beach. For being February, it was California, which meant it was actually pretty warm in the daytime still. Families with kids playing in the sand and the edge of the waves. Surfers were out on their boards catching waves, boats sailing in the distance. He actually felt calm just sitting there, and was glad he’d agreed to the day. 

Nicki watched the waves for a while, focusing her breathing on the ebb and flow of the waves. She closed her eyes, listening to the crash of the waves. This is so peaceful, just sitting in the sun. No agenda, no pressure, allowed to just BE.  When else do I feel like this? Being with Justin is pretty close, before this weekend, but that’s not his fault. There’s stress to my job, but I get a feeling at the end of the day that I made a difference. 

I don’t really know if I’d feel with Parker the way I do with Justin; safe, protected. It was nice when we went to the movie, but it seemed like all he wanted was to kiss me. Not that it wasn’t nice, but with Justin that doesn’t feel forced. Parker feels like he’s trying to rush things, where Justin feels right and natural. I’ll do a movie night with Parket as a test. I still remember how great Justin was when we watched 50 First Dates, maybe I’ll have Heather help me pretend it’s my first time watching it again, and see how Parker responds compared to Justin. 

Am I really using Justin as a measuring stick for Parker? Is that FAIR?  All I know is how I feel with Justin, how great and natural things are. If I can find something close like that with Parker, it’s worth giving it a shot. I feel bad, though, that this is hurting Justin. I don’t want to hurt him, I want to just choose him, but I need to know more on how I feel about Parker. Whether last night was a fluke or if that’s how he is. I know what everyone says about him, but I see a different side to him. Could I be wrong? 

Why DIDN’T I let anything happen with Parker? I slept with Justin that first night, why wouldn’t I let Parker? Was it because I feel closer to Justin, the thought he put into everything for me? He made me feel safe, like he was ok if I didn’t want to, he tried to give me an out. With Parker, he kept pushing and pushing it, like I had no choice BUT to sleep with him. Could that be the difference? Justin is looking out for ME, while Parker is only out for himself?

I’ve been here a while, not getting much clarity. I need a neutral voice in all this. Someone not invested one way or the other. Maybe I’ll find a nurse at work, go to the ICU and talk with one of the nurses I had during my stay. Maybe they can help. For now, I’ll enjoy my time with Justin.

She leaned over onto Justin’s blanket, putting her head in his lap. He stroked her hair gently, as he continued to sit in silence. 

“I’m done thinking, for now,” Nicki said, looking up slightly at Justin. 

“The quiet is nice, actually,” he replied. She put her arm out in front of her to rest on his leg. He held her one hand, stroking her hair with the other. They sat there for a while, watching and listening to the waves. “I can see why you come here to think.”

The sun was getting low in the sky, the afternoon blue sky was giving way to sunset hues. “It’s all so beautiful.  The sights of watching the waves, watching the sunset, listening to the waves, kids laughing and playing, dogs barking. All that’s missing is feeling the sand between my toes. Not today though.”

“No?  I can carry your shoes if you want,” Justin offered. 

“If you don’t mind…”

“For you? Not a problem.”

“Justin?” 

“Yeah?”

“What did I ever do to deserve you in my life?” she sighed. 

“Most days I ask myself the same question,” he laughed gently in reply. 

She stood up, taking her boots and socks off, tucking the socks into her boots before handing them to Justin. He held the blankets and her shoes in one arm, leaving a hand free to hold hers as she walked along the shore, wet sand between her toes. 

“Thank you, this does round out the experience,” she said. 

They walked back towards the car, drying off her feet with the dry sand before brushing it off to put her socks and boots on. Justin put things back in the trunk before opening her car door. 

“Where to now? Our first date I had things planned, this time I want you to pick, what we do, where we go, eat, whatever,” Justin said. 

She thought for a bit. “We just did Chinese food, how about where we got the pizza on our first date? They have other food there too.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Justin said, starting the car and backing out of the parking spot. He drove down Highway 1 a few minutes before getting to the restaurant. They sat down, looked over the menu, and placed their order. 

“So, tell me how we kept in touch while you were on the road,” Nicki asked as they waited for their food. 

“Well, I try to do a few shows in a row in LA, Anaheim, places we can drive to do I can stay here instead of a hotel, have you stay with me and go to the arena each night. Sometimes if I’m really missing you, I’d fly you out on a Friday night so I could see you before a show. It was an added bonus if I happened to have a day off in between shows at the same city to spend a day with you. We’d talk over the phone and text, send you pictures of where I am.”

“So I still see you and talk to you during tours?”

“Just the one tour so far, but yeah,” he smiled. 

“I admit I had it in my head that on tour it was just work, work, work.  That I’d be alone for months or a year with next to nothing.”

“No, I kept trying to talk you into coming with me, taking some time off. But you felt so guilty of leaving your patients in the lurch.  I did the best I could with what it was.  You’re important to me, I wouldn’t just abandon you like that for a tour or putting together an album.”

They ate their food, talking about shows he’d flown her out for, some in places she’d wanted to visit but had never been to. She felt great comfort knowing he cared that much about her. 

The sun had set, they had dessert at the restaurant. Justin laid his spoon on the empty plate. “Where to next?” he asked, taking her hand in his and gazing into her eyes. 

“Your place, watch a movie?” Nicki suggested. 

“Sounds good.”  They got up from the table, and Justin opened the door out, as well as her car door for her.

“Were you always such a gentleman?” Nicki asked. 

“I have my mother and grandmother’s voices in the back of my head for certain things, so yes.”

They drove back to Justin’s, and Nicki got comfortable, taking off her boots and jacket. Nicki looked through Justin’s DVD collection. There was one still in plastic wrap that caught her attention. 

“What’s this one? It looks familiar…”

“The Notebook. I literally just came out on DVD, we saw it in theaters. You said it was the most romantic movie you’d ever seen.”

“Let’s watch it then,” Nicki said, handing Justin the DVD.  He got the movie going, and Nicki curled up next to him on the couch, covering herself with a blanket. 

They laughed at parts in the beginning, and as the story progressed, she felt an attachment to Allie.  She reached for Justin’s hand at one point, and throughout the movie there would be times where he’d run his thumb across hers. She looked up and saw tears welling up in Justin’s eyes. 

“You ok?” she asked. 

“I liked this movie before, but I feel a deep connection to Noah’s character. I’m trying to help you find your way back to me.  It feels like you’re ready to go off with that other guy, like what we have is nothing.”

“Justin…”

“Let’s just watch the movie for now, we can talk later, i promise.”

They both silently cried during different parts of the movie, for their own reasons.  When the end credits started, Justin turned off the TV.

“I know what you meant. I felt a connection to Allie, being pulled in different directions and having to make difficult choices. In the end she chose Noah. If you are my Noah, give me time and I’ll find my way back.”

“I’d wait the rest of my life for you, Nicki. I just hope we get to spend as much of it together and not apart.  I’ll be right back.”  Justin got up and walked down the hall at a fast pace. 

As she sat on the couch, a thought came to her mind. We watched that whole movie and he didn’t try to kiss me once. Parker would have tried every chance he got instead of watching it with me. Justin really is something else. 

She waited for what felt like 10 minutes before she decided to try to find him. She found him in his studio, guitar in hand. 

“Let’s go back to the couch, you’ll be more comfortable.”  They walked back out to the couch, Justin sitting on the edge with his guitar on his lap. 

“I thought of a song that might be sad, but also tells you pretty accurately how I’m feeling.  I needed to listen to the song to get the intro right, I never played guitar on it, just sang. So it might be a little rough around the edges. 

He started to play a beautiful, slow melody on the guitar, before taking a deep breath. 

“When the visions around you, bring tears to your eyes.  And all that surrounds you, are secrets and lies.  I’ll be your strength, I’ll give you hope, keeping your faith when it’s gone. The one you should call was standing here all along. And I will take you in my arms, and hold you right where you belong. Til the day my life is through this I promise you.”

Nicki couldn’t hold back tears as she listened intently to the lyrics. “Justin, that’s beautiful…”

“It was one of your favorites,” he smiled. “I meant what I said. I love you Nicki. I loved you then, I love you now, I will love the until the end of time. I don’t like that you are giving Parker a chance, but I understand, and just know that I will wait however long it takes for you to come back to me.”

Nicki leaned in close to him and kissed him gently, deeply. Justin carefully put the guitar down and placed his arms around Nicki. She put a hand on Justin’s thigh. 

“Do you want to?” she asked. 

“Only if you’re sure.”

“Can you think of a better way to end the night?” she asked, getting up and walking towards his bedroom. He followed her down the hall. 

He kissed her like it was his last chance, because in his mind, it was. His hands held her tight against him, never wanting to let her go. He pulled his shirt off before pulling off Nicki’s. She was already shimmying her jeans and panties down her legs. Nicki melted into his embrace, to the point where she started to fall onto the bed and Justin gladly fell with her. 

He continued to kiss her lips, their tongues caught in a feverish dance. One hand in her hair, the other exploring her body. He knew it so well, but he was taking his time in case it was his last. Luckily for him her bra clasped in the front, he made easy work of freeing her from it. Moans and laughing hums of enjoyment vibrates against his lips and he ran his hands over her body. 

He firmly but gently massaged her breasts with his hand, before tracing his hand along her curves. His hand gently cupped her ass, before getting a more firm hold as he kissed her. He now kissed her all over, between her lips, ears, cheek, neck, and collarbone. His hand traced her outer thigh before moving towards her inner thigh. 

Her breathing became shallow, moans full of need. “Please,” she breathed. He gently laughed as his fingers traveled ever closer to where they both wanted, needed, to be. One finger entered her, finding that perfect spot within her. Her moans intensified in volume and need for what he was doing. 

He broke their kiss, kissing his way down her body. Slowly kissing her breasts, sucking on them gently, kissing between them. Her groans became almost a scream as he found her core with his tongue, his finger still inside her. 

Nicki grabbed the sheets by the fistful, her legs dancing with ecstasy of what she was feeling. Wave after wave crashed upon her like an ocean. She felt a final wave building within her as Justin continued his efforts. Her hands became tangled in his hair, holding him there until she exploded in pleasure, her body going limp under him. He went to remove his boxers, when he saw her shake her head and put up a finger.  

She caught her breath before sitting up. “My turn, I can’t leave you unsatisfied.”

“Who says I’m unsatisfied? That was amazing regardless, how you reacted to every little thing. I’m satisfied knowing YOU'RE satisfied.”

“Bullshit. I mean, that might be true for you, but we both know that’s not how this is going to end.”

“It could, if that’s what you want,” Justin said. 

“I think you know what I want,” she laughed. “My turn.”

He laid on the bed, ready for whatever she wanted to do. If nothing else, this is one hell of a goodbye.

She straddled his stomach, kissing him deeply, her fingers running through his hair. She pulled him up so she was sitting on his lap, her fingers lightly raking down his back as she kissed him, a light moan humming against her lips. She moved off of him to remove his boxers, taking him in her hand, beginning in slow strokes. Their eyes locked on each other, a white hot electricity between them. He pace grew quicker, his moans becoming louder, his breathing more shallow. 

“Close your eyes,” she told him, taking him into her mouth. He gasped at the sensation, her tongue sucking and swirling around him. Her fingers lightly raked his thighs. 

“Please, Nicki, please,” he managed to whisper. She stopped, he pulled her back onto the bed, and she looked at him. 

“I’m hoping you know the answer to this, but I’m on some kind of birth control?” she asked. He nodded. “Then I want nothing between us, just our bodies, together.”

He kissed her neck as he entered her, Nicki let out a soft moan at the sensation. His pace slow to kiss her, getting faster until they were in a frenzy of gasping breaths and moans. She wrapped her legs around him, taking him deeper. She groaned in exquisite ecstasy, taking him over the edge. 

He collapsed next to her, gazing into her eyes. “I love you,” he said, aware of how vulnerable he was at that moment. 

“I think I love you too, but I have to…”

“I know,” he interrupted. “I’m your Noah. We’ll find our way back together somehow. Thankfully I’m always a text or phone call away. You ready to go home?”

“I want to stay here, like this, a little while longer, if that’s ok.”

“I’ll take as much time with you as I can get,” he sighed, kissing her forehead. She curled up against him, and he wrapped an arm around her waist, resting his head on hers. 

I wish we could stay like this forever, fall asleep and wake up with her here in the morning, but we can’t, he thought. He felt a knot forming in his stomach, an aching in his heart at the thought of watching her leave one last time. 

They lay together for a while before Justin finally spoke. “I need to get you home, we don’t need a repeat of our first date, frantically getting you to the hospital.”

“I want to stay, but you’re right. Even if I call out, I’ll have to leave eventually,” she sighed. 

They got dressed and Justin drove Nicki home. As he parked in front of her house, they sat for a while. 

“I’ll call you,” Nicki said, finally breaking the silence. 

“I’ll pick up,” Justin replied. 

“One last kiss, for now?” Nicki asked. 

Justin nodded, leaning close to her. It was soft, lingering, but had so much intensity at the same time. Justin’s heart ached when she broke the kiss, got out of the car, and walked into her place. He sat there, the pit in his stomach getting bigger. She’ll call you, this isn’t over yet. Finish that song this week so you’ll have it ready. No one else hears it before her, even if it never ends up being released.