Deana turned to face him.  “I feel like I need to preface this.  Even with the flowers and the petals in the room, my plan wasn’t to propose to you tonight.  I feel like I’ve let you down again.  I meant every word I said tonight, and wanted things to be special when we came back here tonight.  I love you SO much, I don’t know what else to say without worrying that it will just disappoint you.  I know it sounds dumb, but I don’t want to propose without a ring, and I’m still not sure what I want that to look like for you.  I want everything to be perfect before I ask you that very important question.  But know that right here, right now, I love you, and wish I had everything to give you the moment you deserve, that you WILL get someday.  There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not thankful you are next to me.  You are the sun, the moon, the stars in my sky.  I never want to imagine a life without you in it.”  His lip started to quiver, tears welling in his eyes.  She pulled herself into his chest, letting out a stream of tears.

“I felt so stupid, that you couldn’t say words like that without it being a proposal.  Some things are still an adjustment.  I’ve never had someone so eloquent, so passionate, that would say things like this all the time.  Morgan would send things in texts, but not in front of my parents, not in front of his, not even at our engagement party.  So I need to be ready to accept that just because you say these wonderful, romantic, from the heart things, that it doesn’t take away from those moments because it’s not a proposal.  I can’t wait to see what you come up with, and have my answer now, then, forever.  I can’t imagine a life without you, either.  I feel there’s a song that’s pretty perfect for what we’re both feeling right now…”

“What is that?” he asked.

She pulled out her phone, Justin smiling as he recognized the introduction as “Mirrors” started to play.  He led her inside, putting her phone down on the table, and taking her in his arms.  He held her close, dancing slowly with her.  Silent tears streamed down his face.  “I admittedly wrote this about Jess, but I feel this with you just as much, if not more.  I don’t know what else to say right now that I haven’t already…”

She kissed him gently.  “I know.  Let’s just enjoy this moment, our love for one another.”  They danced, Deana holding tightly to him.  The song ended, Justin kissing her softly but deeply. 

“I originally wanted to go all out for what’s next, but I think given everything, something slow and romantic is in order…”

“You’ll still go all out, no matter how we do it,” she smiled, leading him to the bedroom. 

…

Their plane landed in NYC, deciding to be close to Deana’s family for her birthday. Her birthday wasn’t until the next day, but they would go to her parents for dinner tonight and then she was all Justin’s the next day. 

Deana started unpacking her things, getting laundry put together.  “You know there’s a service here that will do this FOR us, right?” Justin asked.

“I know, but I don’t want to get complacent.  Our kids are gonna need to know how to do laundry at some point, and I don’t want to have to remember which service where does what.  You HAVE a washer and dryer, why not use it?”

“Fair point.  I just know some stuff is better sent out than others.  But that’s more like suits and fancy dresses.  Certain materials you can’t just put in the regular wash.  It took me a while to learn the difference, some of my stuff getting majorly fucked up.  I think you’re ok for now.  That leather little number though, we definitely don’t want to mess that one up…”

“So you’ll help me sort stuff?  That’s what I’m hearing in all this…” she laughed softly.

“Yeah, I’ll help sort…” he laughed, going through his clothes.  “On tour it’s easy to just throw everything in with the stuff for the show, cuz it all looks the same, stuff I’d wear when I’m not on tour.”

“Speaking of clothes and tours, what happened with all your old *NSYNC tour costumes?”

“Pretty sure my mom has them somewhere.  Some were given to museums or places like Hard Rock Cafe.”

“What about the mechanical bulls?  Are all 5 in some warehouse somewhere?”

“Maybe?  I really don’t remember, not like I go and visit.  Why?”

“There’s a lot of fans that would love to just SEE it, let alone touch it, or other stuff…”

“Other stuff?”

“Some of the dance moves you guys did, it was really kinda hot… To get to ride it, they feel like they’re well, riding YOU…”

“Baby, you can ride me anytime you want…” he laughed.  “You don’t need the bull for that…”

“Well then aren’t I lucky?” she laughed.

Justin helped her with laundry, going over a shopping list now that they’d be home, with the exception of a few days in Boston.  “For groceries, we definitely need to do delivery.  For one, there isn’t a big place all that close that you can just walk to, and when we need more than you can carry by yourself, it’s just not feasible. If you HAVE to go somewhere, there’s a Whole Foods, that's where I tend to order from anyway.  I feel bad, like you’re my maid or something, not my girlfriend.  Telling you how to clean, get groceries…”

“It’s ok.  We hadn’t really dealt with any of this earlier, so it needs to be addressed.  We weren’t really HERE for a long enough amount of time for me to need to know these things.”

“I have a couple different vacations planned for us coming up, so not like we’ll be here FOREVER, but yeah.”

“And where are we going on said vacations…?” she asked curiously.

“Montana, definitely.  Then there’s the golf thing in Tahoe.  After that, that’s a surprise… You really do hate secrets and surprises, don’t you?”

“You’re lucky I didn’t blow your cover any sooner than we did.  I’m TERRIBLE with secrets.  Though usually it’s more of a ‘I made/bought this for you and want you to have it before the actual reason you were going to get it.’  For example, it’s been SO hard to not give your mom the one poncho that I finished over 2 weeks ago.  I had to leave it here so I wouldn’t give it to her at my graduation so I could save it for Mother’s Day.  I also have a sample of what I’m wanting to make for the other, I told her the darker one would be more fancy, but wanted her approval first.”

“Honestly, she’ll love it either way.  Just show ME, get my input, so it can still be a surprise for her.”

“Alright.  Not sure what brought this into my head, but with the new Frozen movie coming out, any way Trace and the girls could fly out to LA and you be the coolest uncle ever and take them to the premiere?”

“You’re coming with me.  Trace and Sam might need to be there too to clarify these aren’t children we just pulled off the street and dressed up,” Justin laughed.  “I dunno, I like the idea, they would LOVE it, and I know a few people, that I could get in if I wanted.”

Once laundry was done and everything officially unpacked and where it should be, they plopped on the couch and watched some more Doctor Who while waiting to go over to her parents’ place.

Justin’s eyes went wide as he watched an episode.  “Wait… so she’s his… but also their… wait, WHAT?!”  

“Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey…” Deana laughed.   

“They named her after, HER.  How, what, my head hurts…”

“At some point it either makes sense the more you think about it, or your brain just dies that it no longer tries to figure things out.”

“But she was in 1969, and a child, how…?”

“We’re still not done with their story line.  It will start to pull together and make sense.  They’ve been giving us clues about this for YEARS…”

They continued to watch until they needed to go, meeting their driver downstairs.  “I’m used to bringing something with me to Mom and Dad’s, but tonight is for me, so that’s a little weird…” Deana said.

They opened the door, hugging her parents, Jonathan, and Danielle.  Deana’s mom made chicken parmigiana stuffed with cheese, and roasted veggies for dinner.  It was a simple meal, but made with love and absolutely delicious.  

Justin sat there, realizing the last time he’d had something like this was when they were in Memphis, and Christmas before that.  He hoped this was the start of something more regular, him slowing down a bit.  It was family, sharing old memories and making new ones.  They had pineapple upside down cake for dessert, Deana’s favorite.  

Before they left, Dani pulled Deana aside.  “So don’t tell Justin, or do, whatever, but I found this great podcast you will LOVE!  It’s an *NSYNC podcast hosted by two best friends.  It’s like listening to us talk about them.  There’s one rule to it, but you’ll have to listen to find out…  I’ll text you the details, but it is AWESOME!”

“I’ve never actually listened to a podcast, this might be a good way to start, fall down that rabbit hole…” Deana said.

As Deana talked to Danielle, Justin was in the living room, hoping for a chance to talk to Deana’s dad.  His stomach was in knots.  Before he got up the nerve to say something, Deana returned, ready to leave.  I’ll ask him, soon, he thought to himself.

They headed back to their place, enjoying a relaxed end to their day. 

The next morning, Justin made sure he woke up before Deana, starting on his plans for the day. He’d stayed up later that night to get some things ready that didn’t involve flowers or food. For 7AM on a weekday, he was impressed when he heard a soft knock at the door. He’d ordered tulips and calla lilies for her and was working on her poached eggs and veggie topping, chicken apple sausage, and chocolate chip pancakes. 

He thought he heard her in the bedroom, leaving the kitchen to check on her. She was slowly sitting up in bed, stretching and yawning. 

“Good morning, baby,” he said, giving her a quick kiss. “Go take a shower and I should be done with what I’m doing by the time you come out.”

She did as directed, taking a long, relaxing shower to give him extra time for whatever he was doing. She was still waking up that it didn’t occur to her what day it was.

She put on her satin pajama set and wrapped her black robe around her, tying the belt around her waist. She sniffed as she came down the hall, smelling chocolate. 

She came to the end of the hall, looking into their kitchen/living room.  Blue and green balloons hung from different parts of the room with a banner that said happy birthday on the wall by their kitchen table. The flowers were in a vase on the table, food out and ready to eat. She saw a mug of tea and a glass of juice for her as well. 

“This is my present, right? Getting it out of the way now so I’m not worrying all day, right?” she asked. 

“You’re cute if you think THIS is all I’m doing for your birthday,” he laughed. “I’m just getting started…”

“This is plenty, babe. Thank you.”  She kissed his cheek. 

“Again, cute, but wrong.”  He pulled out her chair so they could have breakfast. “I almost did cinnamon rolls, too, but decided one sugary breakfast food was enough.”

“I’m sure you have enough treats planned for me today,” she sighed. 

“This is just the beginning. I’ve got a whole day of things planned for you.”

“You spoil me,” she blushed. 

“Birthdays are a whole other level… But one thing while it’s still early.  I don’t want to disappoint you, but I’m not proposing today.”

“Thanks for the heads up I guess. Does save me from feeling like an idiot on my birthday.”

“Can we talk about this after breakfast?” he eyes searched hers, his hand reaching out to hold hers. She nodded silently. 

They finished breakfast, Deana sitting on the couch while Justin did the dishes. They had talked about this a few days ago, but had found words he wanted to tell her that he didn’t that day. 

He sat on the couch, leaving space between them. “I can’t stand disappointing you… I know we just talked about this not too long ago. It’s not going to happen on any special day like an anniversary, a birthday, or a holiday.  It’ll be a day you least expect it. They being said, don’t be disappointed if something feels like it should come and it doesn’t. Try and just enjoy each moment we have, not putting anything more into it and hurting you. That’s never my intent. Yet it seems all I’ve done lately has hurt and disappointed you because there were expectations.”

“I guess that’s more on me than you.  You’ve always been super romantic with me, I don’t know why all of a sudden I expect any romantic gesture to be followed by a proposal. I don’t want it to stop you from being who you are. That’s a way you show your love for me. Whether it’s something big or small, I don’t want you to hesitate, worrying about disappointing me.  I need to figure things out.  I don’t know why I’m expecting it, maybe because the tour is over, things are slowing down, I need something to look forward to that’s for ME?  I love Dani, and J’s my brother, but I’ve been in weddings before, it’s special, but not the same as if it’s yours, you know?”

“Yeah.  When Joey got married, then Chris, it felt like I was missing out on something.  With Trace it was really hard, cuz I’d started seeing Jess around the same time he and Sam got together, so it was like I should have been at the same place in my life, and I wasn’t.  I can understand that, wanting something to look forward to.  I know they may not seem major, but the vacations, time away together, making new memories in new places, that’s something to look forward to.  You’re done with school, for now, that’s a big accomplishment.  Let our trips be like a graduation present.  It’ll be a lot longer in each place than during the tour.  Instead of a day or two, we’ll have a WEEK or two in each place.  It’s travel, but still slow.  Does that sound like something to be excited for...?”

“Yeah.  I dunno, I’m still trying to figure out doing a credential program, to really finish what I started.  This was just one step.  Like getting my first gig, but I haven’t been signed to a label.  Trying to put it into something you can understand, maybe even remember.”

“I see your point.  It wasn’t enough that we had formed the group, we still needed to get signed, and even then it took a while to get there.  Just getting signed doesn’t MEAN anything, I’ve sadly seen plenty of acts get signed and go nowhere…”

“Innosense?” Deana asked softly.

“Yeah… that kinda hit hard.  I mean, if we knew THEN what we know NOW, I don’t think Mom would have gone with it.  I think it all hit her the hardest, seeing ME go through everything, and realizing that was the raw deal her own girls were getting.  Especially Nikki.  We’d been so close during the show, she knew Nikki was talented, and it just went nowhere.  It hurt Lance, too, he recommended one of the other girls he knew from his show choir.  None of us knew what we were getting into.  We’re just lucky we didn’t end up a one album group.”

“You know that if things had gone the other way, your fans would still support you, right?  If you had only lost the name of your group, but were able to get out like you did, we would have followed.  All it would take is one interview somewhere, maybe national on MTV, and we would’ve made the switch.  I know the name meant a lot to you guys, probably particularly you because your mom came up with it.”

“You’ve got me talking about them a lot more than I have in a long time.  But in different ways than your typical interview questions and stuff.  You’re really trying to understand what all I went through back then, with them.  It’s actually really refreshing, hashing things out with someone else, telling these stories.  I know we talk about things every once in a while, but it’s all stupid shit like ‘hey, remember when Justin broke his thumb’ or ‘remember how we’d play tricks on lance cuz he slept on the plane’?  It’s almost like therapy, in a way.”

“I enjoy hearing these stories.  It helps me really round out that side of you.  Have you watched Lance’s documentary?”

“I wanted to, but it’s just gonna bring up so much stuff.  I know Mom and Nikki were interviewed, so I know it’s really gonna hit hard hearing their stuff, along with the guys talking about what we went through.”

“I’m here whenever you decide to watch, be someone to lean on, cry with, if you need that.  I’m sure there’s a lot you're holding in from then.  You were able to get out from under Lou, but I’m sure you hadn’t fully dealt with it. You guys had another album to release, then the tour, recording Celebrity, another tour… That’s a lot, one pretty much right after the other.”

“Would you want to watch it today?  I just worry it’s a bit of a downer on what should be a special day.”

“It’ll bring us closer together.  And maybe help show how far you’ve come and why you DESERVE that doctorate in a couple days…”

“Shit, we leave tomorrow, we need to pack…”

“I’ve got it covered, mostly.  Just wasn’t sure what you wanted to wear, and how to pack it.  Mainly I was nervous on if you needed a suit or anything, just in case…”

“I can finish that later, maybe you can help me pick what to bring and I pack it.  I feel we’ve gone way off course of our original topic…  You know I love you, and it’ll happen when I’m ready and the timing is perfect.  I just don’t want you worrying it’ll never happen.  It’s only been 6 months, we’re still learning about each other.  I know we talk about the future a lot, and it’s definitely something I want, but it’s tricky.  I know I try not to give the media too much thought and headspace, but if it happened now, we’d either need to keep it secret, which I would hate, or be faced with all kinds of rumors.  This fast of an engagement they’d think you’re pregnant, or we’re just stupid and rushing things, all kinds of stuff I don’t want you to have to deal with.”

“I know.  We’d know the truth, but you’d have to set the record straight in at least one interview, if not more, and I’m sure that gets exhausting.  I just need to adjust my thinking, not get my hopes up.  Not as in that it’ll never happen, but because I expect it to, and get let down.”  She noticed they were sitting closer to each other now than they had at the start of the conversation.  She easily put her hand on his.  “Are you ready to watch, or do you need some time?”

“I guess we can do this now, we’re already on the couch.”  Justin got it cued up on YouTube.

“You’re sure you want to do this now?” Deana asked carefully.  “You don’t have to watch it for me… If you never want to watch it, I fully understand.  I haven’t seen it yet, and want to watch it, but if you don’t, I can watch it some other time.  You’re sure?”  Justin nodded quietly.  “If it gets to be too much, we can stop.”

Justin pressed play.  The two of them still had a little distance between them, but close enough they could lace their fingers together or hold hands.  Deana kept looking at Justin out of the corner of her eye, making sure he was ok.  The closer they got to the part he had lived, the closer he moved towards Deana.  She wrapped her arm around him, opening herself up in case he needed her for comfort.  He held her tightest any time Lynn or Nikki were on screen.  She wasn’t sure when it started, but at one point she looked and silent tears rolled down his face.  Not a constant stream, but enough that she knew he was emotional.

“Do you need me to stop it?” she asked.  He shook his head, leaning into her shoulder.  As they moved on to the pyramid scheme portion, Deana stopped the video.  “I’m sure there’s still more from them, but I think maybe this is a good place to stop.  How are you feeling, what are you thinking?”

He sighed heavily.  “I mean, I knew all of this, I LIVED it, but it just brought up so much…  The monster he was, he took advantage of so many people, their dreams, their hopes.  We were lucky to get out from under him and achieve our dreams, but so many others didn’t.  That’s really kinda heavy and devastating, especially when it’s people you know, care about.  I’m still really close with Nikki and her family.  It just… If I knew then what I know now…”

“I know, baby, I know…” Deana said, holding him close.  “You were doing the best you could.  Same with your mom.  Once she knew what was going on, I’m sure she was looking to get the girls out.  But it’s so complicated.  Maybe this wasn’t a good idea, right before all this good stuff in your life.”

Deana just held him for a while, rubbing his back, letting him ride out his emotions.  She got an idea.

“I’ll be right back, I have something I want you to listen to.”  She took off for their bedroom, returning a short while later holding a CD.  “Where is the best place for this?”

He took her to his small studio, putting the CD in the loading tray.  “I didn't write this, obviously, but I feel it’s actually a pretty poignant and appropriate song right now.  If we’re being open with each other like this.”  

He pressed play, hearing the introduction before the vocals came in.  He listened carefully to the lyrics.  “Waking up, I see that everything is okay.  The first time in my life and now it's so great  Slowing down, I look around and I am so amazed  I think about the little things that make life great.  I wouldn't change a thing about it, this is the best feeling.  This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay.  This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now.  And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by.”

They both got emotional, listening to the words, connecting with the lyrics.  Deana cried softly, they held each other in a tender embrace.

“Who wrote that?  I know that was you singing it, that was beautiful, babe,” Justin said.

“It’s an Avril Lavigne song.  I haven’t listened to this in 5 years…”

“Why not? It’s such a beautiful song.”

“I recorded this with John’s help.  I was going to surprise Morgan with it by playing it at our wedding.  It was going to be our first dance together as husband and wife.”

Justin pulled her closer to him.  “Babe, I’m so sorry…”

“It led me to you,” she said between soft sobs.  “But as much as I felt this way THEN, everything is magnified so much more with you.  Us being engaged, or not, won’t change that.  I’m happy with where we are, knowing what we’re moving towards.”

“Can we go back to the rest of the day I planned for you, birthday girl?”

“I guess…” she sighed jokingly.