They made their way up to her apartment. Deana slowly opened the door and turned on the light.
“Anything to drink?” she offered.
Water is fine, thanks. Deana grabbed a couple glasses from the cupboard, put some ice in each, and took a pitcher out of the fridge to fill the glasses.
She crossed the room, handing one to Justin as they sat on the couch. There was some room between them, both of them nervous about what was to come.
Deana sighed. “There’s a little more you need to know before we talk. Even though these relationships are long over, the hurt is still there. I don’t know that it will ever go away, there will always be that ‘what if’ in my head from time to time…”
I totally understand. I think a lot of people are like that, especially with the more important relationships. I have those moments myself, sometimes.
“I don’t see them anymore. My big ex was totally worried about the guy I was with before him. We were still friends, and he worried I’d take him back. It took me a year trying to prove to him I was in it for the long haul.”
I can see where both of you are coming from on that. On the one hand, you wanted to prove you’d moved on and how much you loved him. On the other hand, if it were me, I’d be terrified to lose you.
“Which brings us to now. What’s going on between us?”
I don’t think it’s a secret or a surprise to either of us that there’s something between us. I find you intriguing, captivatingly beautiful, exceptionally kind and caring.
Deana looked up with wide eyes. “You really like me that way? It’s not just nice words and being a friend?”
You really thought we were just friends? I figured the kiss alone was obvious enough, then the treating you and Dani to a day together, then your dinner on Saturday…
“But you kept saying ‘what are friends for?’ or ‘as a friend’...”
Yeah, to give you some space and respect your boundaries, and not rush into anything. I want to make sure you’re ready to be with someone and have it MEAN something. I have two great dates sitting in my head, waiting for the right time.
Deana sat there for a minute. It felt like an eternity to both of them. “I’ve been burned SO many times, I guess I was just trying to protect myself. People keep saying you like me based on things you’ve done or said. I wanted to believe it, but I’d been friendzoned so many times that I was afraid to feel anything for you. I do, of course, I mean look at you. But look at me, did I really think I had a chance with you like that?”
He took her hand to stop her. I can’t STOP looking at you. I could do nothing but look at you for the rest of my life and it wouldn’t be enough. I want to be friends so you know me well enough to decide what you want. I don’t want to rush into anything and hurt you. I think this could really be the start of something, when you’re ready.
“I have two modes- glacially slow, or jump all in. I’m trying to be better about things, but after being hurt so much, so often, I guess I’ve made excuses in order to protect myself. I do like you, I’ve just been afraid of getting hurt again.”
I never want to hurt you. You are worth waiting for. When you’re ready to jump in, I’ll be here. It’s worth the wait, YOU are worth all of this.
Tears started to well up in Deana’s eyes. Justin slowly moved closer to her, in case she just needed to be held. Deana sighed. “You’re sure you’re ok with this? Getting to know each other, taking things slow? I’m nervous to even put a name on what we want to call this. Are we together?”
I won’t lie, I’d like to be. But only when you’re ready. That moment we had tonight, where I held you, kissed the top of your head, I liked that too. I understand it’s complicated, you’re trying to get over Paul before rushing into things with someone else. I have no idea when I’ll get put back on tour, it could be within a few days notice and I’m gone for 3-4 months. I just know I can’t wait for every Tuesday, I hear your voice when I read your texts, and picture your smile in my head. If moments like tonight are all you are ready for, I’ll take it.
“Why am I freaking out that you are being REALLY understanding and ok with all this?”
Because your guard is still up. You trust me with a lot of things, but past experiences have made you think there’s ulterior motives. I might’ve been like that when I was younger, but I’m pushing 40 and past that bullshit. I’m ready for something real. This could be it. It scares me, too, but only because of how chaotic my life can be with what I do. Nothing about you, about US, scares me.
“I just don’t want this to be a rebound thing. I wasn’t even looking for anything with him, and I fell for him.”
I know. I feel the same way about you. A relationship was honestly the last thing on my mind 6 weeks ago, I was so focused on working. Then I heard your voice, and I was hooked. The most terrifying thing to me right now is hurting you, leaving you behind for work and you feeling like you did something wrong. Not being able to hold you if you need it.
“So now that everything’s out in the open, what do we do?”
Whatever you are ok with. If you want to be together, let me know. If it’s ok, I can kiss your cheek, the top of your head for now. I think it might be best if you kiss me when you’re ready for that, just so there’s no pressure and you don’t misread anything. Please don’t doubt yourself, or how I feel about you. I feel it’s pretty clear after talking, what each of us wants, but it is just going to take some time.
“Can you hold me for a while? I like how safe I feel in your arms…”
He nodded, pulling her close on the couch, her back to him. She sunk into his embrace, his arms around her waist, her head resting on his shoulder.
“I could stay like this forever…” she sighed. He nodded. “I guess I should let you get home. Thank you, for everything. No other guy has been this understanding, like, ever. Not just after Paul.”
Then they weren’t right for you. I mean it, take as much time as you need. If we can keep things like they have been, where I can be a friend, source of comfort, I’m fine with that until you’re ready to make it something more. I know that feels like a lot of pressure, but please don’t feel that way. Take your time, do what you need to do to move on and be able to be with someone again, even if it isn’t with me.
“Can we try a date, and see where things go? Maybe next weekend?”
It’s a date. Not black dress date, I’m saving that one for something special. I’ll check on reservations, they fill up fast.
“Oh. I feel kinda bad you’re spending all this money on me, like you’re trying to impress me. You don’t need to do that, especially since you’re not working…”
I’m still getting paid, believe me. It’s not to impress you, I want to give you what I think you deserve. So far it’s been time with a best friend and dinner with a mentor, meaningful moments for you. If I were trying to impress you, you’d know it. They are big gestures, I get that, but ones I WANT to make because of how much you mean to me.
“Ok. I guess that makes sense.” She stood up off the couch, hesitantly heading towards the door. Justin followed in kind. “Good night. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” He nodded, giving her a quick hug. She opened the door and he left. She felt as if her heart would break into a million tiny pieces watching him leave. He likes me, she thought to herself, so why do I feel sad?
