“Justin…” JC breathed, holding his eyes to keep himself from crying. “I didn’t know.”
“That’s kind of the point, JC,” Justin told him, sniffling and wiping his cheek. “I didn’t want you to know.”
“I’m so sorry I ever made you feel dejected.”
“There were a lot of very conflicting feelings going on with me during that time. I shouldn’t have…I shouldn’t have done what I did in the first place.” Even all these years later, Justin somehow still couldn’t say out loud that he’d kissed his friend.
“I should have fought harder with you about continuing your therapy after that. You just submerged yourself into your writing.”
“I tried to continue with it but the relaxation techniques they taught me to deal with my anxiety were too close to what she did that it just made me even more anxious. Writing was the therapy I needed at the time. That and pot, lots of pot,” Justin chuckled.
“And what about now?”
“What do you mean what about now?”
“Justin…I’m not trying to pry…”
“Really? Cuz you’re doing a hell of a job at digging up shit I buried a long time ago.”
“That’s my point. Have you ever talked to anyone about all this? I don’t even mean a professional but like Trace or your wife?”
“I dealt with it in my own way.”
“By writing and getting high then locking it all away to never think of again?”
“I’ve thought about it plenty. People always want to reduce my first album to being about Britney but Piper’s in there too. Not as much, but she’s there. River was a big hit so I have to keep playing it live but somehow that’s easier than the ones she influenced.”
“Write what you know, I get it,” JC commiserated. Silence filled the conversation, neither knowing what to say. “Any thoughts about what I should do about Colleen?” JC finally spoke up.
“I don’t know, man,” Justin said, wiping his hand over his face. “I mean, it sounds like this is like a regular thing for her, right? So, that’s her thing, that’s her thing. You gotta figure out if you can live with that.”
“Apparently it’s something she’s always wanted. Is that…is that what happened with you?” JC treaded carefully.
“No, I never wanted to be somebody’s bitch. Never an inkling, never a desire, nothing. I like being the one in charge. Shit was really bad with me then and she just…I was vulnerable and let her in. I learned never to make that mistake again.”
“I see how much more relaxed Colleen is after a session. She’s happier, she sleeps better…”
“Good for her she gets off on it. Not for me.”
“I’m not trying to argue with you but you’re telling me this story and talking about how good you felt, how relaxed, how it was the most free you’d felt in years. I feel like….maybe you did enjoy yourself and I ruined it for you.”
Justin stared hard at JC’s face on his phone. “It doesn’t matter whether I did or not. I love you, JC but I don’t want to suck your cock. Anything that’s gonna get me confused about where I draw that line and for that long is not for me.”
“What do you mean for that long?” JC paused, a question he’d only ever passingly wondered now burned at the back of his throat. “Did you leave the band because you thought you had feelings for me?”
“No JC, I didn’t leave because of you.” Justin swallowed hard. “I didn’t come back because of you.”
JC felt his heart stop in his chest. “What?” was all he could manage to get out.
“I wanted to work on the solo stuff and then you put your own album together and it kept getting delayed and I didn’t realize at the time what Jive was doing but I do now, way too late. Then the Super Bowl happened and I completely sandbagged you and…”
“Justin, we’ve been over this. I don’t blame you..”
“No, you wanted to have some deep fucking talk so you are going to listen,” Justin yelled, his eyes turning red as he tried to hold off another round of tears. “I thought they’d give you a bigger push once I was out of the way. Your album came out a few weeks later, you had a tour scheduled, you were opening for Britney. You guys all did your own thing and waited for me. You deserved your time to shine.”
“It is what it is, Justin.”
“No, fuck you! Stop being so flippant about this! You wanna play shit we don’t talk about, then let’s talk about this! You got done dirty JC and we all know it. I know I didn’t directly try to sabotage you in any way but my mere existence did it for me. I got promoted and left you behind and I was too selfish and focused on myself to see it then. That’s the biggest reason I pushed so hard to help you with Kate. Not only because I wanted to rekindle some of the time that had been lost due to the shit going on in my head but because I felt guilty you were in this position in the first place.”
“So you took pity on me?” JC scoffed, suddenly now becoming the defensive one.
“Never pity, JC, never. I wanted to help you because you deserved a chance and by then I was smart enough to know putting my name behind it would increase the odds. I’m so sorry it wasn’t enough.”
“Nothing I did was good enough without the four of you,” JC said softly.
“Now which one of us needs to go to therapy?” Justin attempted to joke. “JC, you did the best music of your life on that album. Pushing you with your writing and your vocals is still one of my most treasured times not only with you in a studio but in my life. I love Tim and Pharrell and that whole crew but it’s never been like how we worked during Kate. When it got scraped…I watched it break you in a way I didn’t know how to fix. You haven’t been the same since and you know it.”
“I adapted. Being on my own was never my plan but when it happened, I committed to it. It was…it was hard to see how much support you got that I wasn’t getting but I never held that against you personally.”
“I know you didn’t but I did. I still do. You think I don’t see the posts online? Between the people calling for my head with #FreeBritney and Justice for Janet, there’s the people that make sure to remind me I’m responsible for ruining your career too. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to just say #JusticeForJC because I believe that too.”
“This is why you need to stay off of social media,” JC chided him. “You can’t let people with too much time on their hands upset you this much.”
“And this is why you do need to be on social media more so that you can see all the praise you get and know how much people truly love you and miss you.” Again, silence filled the air as both men processed what the other had said. “So, when do you want to start couple’s therapy?” Justin finally asked.
“I already go to therapy,” JC allowed himself to laugh.
“Good for you, man.”
Another awkward silence threatened to consume them when JC finally spoke. “Thank you for telling me everything that happened with Piper…and for everything else you said. I realize now it wasn’t easy.”
Justin was surprisingly still in the sharing mood and decided to confess one last thing. “JC, I’ve always been envious of the fact that you never make any apologies for the things you like. I mean, like with Raina. We have given you a lot of shit over the years and you never let it sway you. I really…I wish I could do that.”
“Thanks but it’s not all gravy. You’ve got a lovely wife and two adorable kids. You’ve got this family that…I just don’t think is in the cards for me, and part of the reason is due to how I’ve chosen to live my life. Having to explain to women your Dominatrix comes as part of the deal hasn’t really worked out.”
“Until now,” Justin reminded him.
“Until now,” JC smiled. “Feels too good to be true some days.”
“I know you; don’t wait around anticipating when the other shoe will drop. Just enjoy it and try not to scrutinize everything.”
“Thanks man.”
Justin hesitated, partially not wanting to go back to this conversation but knowing he’d never have the gumption to ask if he didn’t do it in this moment. “JC? She actually likes it?”
“Yeah J, she does. I’m not gonna sit here and say I completely understand but on principle, yeah, letting someone else take over for just a little while is…helpful.” JC saw Justin thinking so continued, “You could always talk to her about it if you wanted to. Might help. She knows I know someone who worked with Piper before but doesn’t know it was you.”
“I’ll think about it,” Justin replied with a small smile. “We good?”
“Always,” JC gave him a huge grin. “I love you, Justin.”
“I love you too, C,” Justin told him back before the call was disconnected. Twelve hundred miles away from each other, both men put their phones down in their laps and reclined their heads on the backs of their chairs and just breathed. So much had been said to the other that was long overdue and as much as it hurt to pull open old wounds, they both found themselves feeling better for having gone through it.
