A few days later, JC greeted Colleen at the front door of his home to find her carrying a large brown box. “This was on your front step,” she informed him as he took the box from her.

He looked at the shipping label and started to head up the stairs with the package. “It’s just the new merch, I’ll look at it later.”

“The new *NSYNC merch?” Colleen asked, trying to hide the excitement in her voice.

“Yeah, we already approved everything, it’s just the final products. I don’t know why they send them, I’m not wearing shirts with my face on them.”

“Even they know you need some variety to your wardrobe,” Colleen teased. “Can I take a look?”

JC eyed his girlfriend skeptically. “Ok but it’s not exciting,” he said, coming back to put the box on the dining room table then going to the kitchen to grab a pair of scissors. 

“I thought you said you guys all collaborate on the collections? I know you care about your fans so I’d like to see what you all approved,” she tried to convince him.

“We do, absolutely, but not much of it is actually new. I get the nostalgia of it all, I just wish we could keep it fresh.”

“Hard to do when you don’t have anything new to promote,” Colleen stated as JC got the box open.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love doing this but it’s just the same old images done in a slightly different way. We technically rebranded when we launched the initial collection and there’s been some cute stuff, just want to give the fans something more.”

Colleen pulled out a black t-shirt with five fluorescent hand prints emblazoned on it. “Oh, my friend had this one! She bought it cuz it meant your hand was on her right boob,” she laughed, holding the shirt up to show JC exactly where his hand would lay.

“See what I mean!” JC exclaimed. “You already know that one. Fans are gonna see that on the website and go “Eh, I already own that.” But it’s not like any of us have any better ideas or the time to invest in thinking them up.”

“Ask the fans what they want,” Colleen offered.

“They’ll just say a reunion,” JC shook his head.

“I’m gonna circle back to that but maybe you need to think outside of what the brand of *NSYNC is but what *NSYNC means to people. You guys have always been pretty self deprecating and in on the joke. Play off of that.”

“What do you mean?”

Colleen put on a Santa hat with an *NSYNC logo on it. “I mean, market some stuff that maybe the casual fan wouldn’t buy but your ardent fans will want twelve of. Sell a makeup bag that says Joshtin Is Real and a picture of you and Justin on the back. Bumper stickers that say I Love Lanth and Because Yes. The amount of pineapple related products alone could be its own collection.”

“What the hell is a Joshtin?” JC asked.

“It’s you and Justin’s fan name,” she explained. Recognition was not registering on JC’s face. “You know how there was Brangelina and Beniffer, where you combine the celebrity’s names? Well, you and Justin are Joshtin, in the same vein that Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are Larry.”

“Oh God, no!” JC burst out laughing, collapsing on the couch.

“I can’t believe you’ve never heard of it,” Colleen laughed back at him.

“I’m sure I did and just mentally blocked it out. Sounds like you remember a lot more than you let on of your old fan days.”

“Yeah, yeah I do,” Colleen said solemnly, taking off the hat and returning it to the box. She thought back to Sara’s words about embracing the conversation should it come up and she now knew she had too many things to say that she couldn’t ignore any longer. “Do you think we could have that talk now?”

“Yeah, of course Babe,” JC said, scooting over on the couch, allowing Colleen to sit next to him. “Did the other night freak you out?”

“No, actually that was, well, I’m really glad you let me share that with you. I know how important Raina is to you and how vulnerable that whole situation had to be.”

“You do know because you were kind enough to share with me things you’ve never shared with anyone before. That means a lot to me,” JC told her sincerely.

“Well, I need to share something else with you and you know, I’m praying I’m making a bigger deal of it than it actually is but I…” Colleen took in a deep breath. “JC, I’ve had feelings for you for a long time now and they’ve turned into…more than I could have ever imagined.”

“Colleen, I’m right there with you,” JC began.

“No, you’re not,” Colleen cut him off. “I promise you that you are not.” Colleen breathed deep again. “I’m not talking a few months, I’m talking a few years…a few decades. I knew there was something about you the moment I laid eyes on you and I was right. I’ve been right this whole time and now you’re here and I’m here and it doesn’t make any sense that you’re actually even more perfect than I ever imagined.”

“Shit,” JC said softly. “I’m the guy, aren’t I?” 

“Yeah, you’re the guy,” Colleen finally confessed. “You’ve always been the guy. You were always so self assured. You sing like your life is on the line every damn time. You’re just…magnetic and I…I hoped I’d get to meet you and tell you how much your music has helped me over the years, your solo stuff and with the band. I never thought it would progress to all this and now that it has I just…I needed to tell you.”

“Oh,” JC said just as softly, trying to gather his thoughts. She was a fan, not just an *NSYNC fan but a fan of his specifically. He felt like an idiot for not picking up on it sooner but he was so blinded by the idea of having someone to share… “Is that why you went to the club? Because you found out I went there?”

“No!” Colleen shouted, grasping JC’s hands between her own. “I swear to you, I didn’t know. Mistress Piper got it out of me one night that I liked you and she told Raina. That’s why they wanted to play matchmaker, because they knew I already was attracted to you.”

“So, what? You three concocted a plot to distract me from all the shit I’ve been going through? Congratulations, it worked. It worked far too well.” JC got up and went to the kitchen. He could feel himself growing more and more upset by the second.

Colleen followed at a distance. “JC…I didn’t know. I was genuinely surprised that day at my office, it wasn’t a setup, at least by me. As far as what you’re going through, I don’t have an answer to that because you haven’t brought it up.”

“My kid fucking died!” JC screamed, making Colleen take a step back. JC gripped the kitchen counter to steady himself. “Miscarriage, the ex,” he explained, not that it made it any better.

“JC, I’m so sorry,” Colleen said quietly, wanting more than ever to embrace him in a hug. “Is that the fight you had with Raina?”

“Related to it…but you already knew that,” JC scoffed.

“No, JC, I didn’t,” Colleen told him. “I’m not sure what else to say.”

“Why did you do this?” JC asked. “You wanted to what? Fuck the guy who hung on your walls? Fine, I’ve been used enough times for that purpose, I could have handled it. Why did you have to go through this whole ruse of making me fall in love with you?”

Colleen’s breath caught in her throat as the tears she had been holding back spilled down her cheeks. “JC…I love you too. That’s why I’m telling you this. I thought you’d think I was using you if I told you and turns out I was right.”

“Yeah, so you said before,” JC said indignantly. “You think you know so much about me because why? Because you read in a magazine one time what cologne I wear or what I like on my pizza? You don’t actually know me, you think you do, just like everyone else.”

“JC, it has nothing to do with Wikipedia stats. It has everything to do with the kind, amazing, talented soul that you are. You never put on an act, any of you. Meeting only confirmed the great guy I thought you were. Dating you has shown me all the things the public doesn’t see.”

“Like how I get off on being bossed around by a short woman in leather?” JC shot back. “I’m sure that’ll be a great addition to the newsletter.”

“No, like how you sing softly to the radio when you drive. The way you snore the tiniest bit when you are falling asleep and that you somehow always wake up with a smile.”

“That’s cuz I thought I had something to smile about,” JC mumbled but Colleen heard it.

“My point is I could pretend to know you all I wanted, and I did. Ever since we met, the honest and true you blew all my expectations out of the water. I would have fallen for you even if you were a stranger at a bar.”

“Colleen, you don’t love me,” JC stated. “You just think you do. I’ve had girls run up to me and the first thing they tell me is they love me and like, come on, that’s super humbling but it’s not at all true.”

“First of all, please don’t tell me how I feel,” Colleen replied, feeling herself starting to grow defensive. “Second of all, love comes in a million forms so don’t you ever doubt when a fan tells you they love you. You have no idea what you and those guys have done for people over the years.”

“We sang songs and danced around for a couple years. We were lucky and hit at the exact right time. Justin was smart enough to see the writing on the wall and adapted with the music scene, the rest of us didn’t. People love the way seeing us makes them feel, like they’re kids again and all their adult responsibilities take a back seat. They don’t love us, they love what we represent.”

“Is that really the line you’ve been feeding yourself all this time? I don’t know how to make you understand that is still love and even if you can’t, doesn’t the fact that you can just make people smile for a moment out of their shitty day mean anything to you?”

“Of course it does! It’s bizarre as hell and I’m glad I can do that for people but that isn’t love.”

“Why does it need some hard and fast definition for you?”

“Because I’ve had too many people tell me they love me and not mean it.” JC’s mind ran through the images of people who had once told him they loved him and who inevitably proved themselves false. He shut his eyes as more and more people appeared in his memory, the hurt coming back like knives all over his body.

“If I had told you I loved you at the beginning of this conversation, would you have believed me?”

JC sighed, “Yes, I would have.”

“Then why don’t you believe me now?! My feelings didn’t change in the last ten minutes, yours did.”

“Because you’ve been fucking lying to me this whole time!”

“I wasn’t lying!” Colleen yelled back. “I developed real fucking feelings for you. I thought we’d screw around a few times and that would be it. I didn’t think you’d be this perfect.”

“I’m not perfect, Colleen. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. You think I am but I’m far from it. This image in your brain of who you’ve decided I am I can’t live up to.”

“You’re perfect for me, JC. You’re kind and understanding, you listen, you are open to all the weird things about me that you somehow don’t make me feel weird about. I feel like I can be myself around you and being a supportive fan of yours is part of my DNA. It’s ironic that that’s the thing that gives you a problem about me.”

“See? Not perfect.”

“No, not perfect then,” Colleen shook her head. “I think I should go.”

“Here,” JC said, going back over to the box on the coffee table. “Take whatever you want.”

“What is this? A parting gift?” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“JC, this is your stuff. I’m not going to take it.”

“I don’t want it.”

“Why not?”

“I already told you.”

“Why are you always so ashamed of your past?”

JC stared at Colleen, his voice brimming with anger. “You really want to do this right now?”

“Seems like I won’t get another opportunity so sure,” Colleen crossed her arms, refusing to back down. If all her hopes and dreams for this relationship were going to go down in flames, she at least wanted to get a few answers out of him.

“I’m not fucking ashamed, Colleen, but it’s exactly that: the past. People just want to trot us out and perform the same songs over and over and make us be those puppets we fought so hard not to be. I don’t want to do that, it’s not that complicated of an answer.”

“It is because you’re assuming no one wants to hear anything new and that is definitely not the case.”

“You can’t recapture lightning in a bottle.”

“It’s still the same people. It’s not a failure if you don’t make a number one album or have the top earning tour to be a success. You can’t compare 20 years ago to today.”

“Why can’t I? Everybody else does!”

“Who’s comparing? What the fuck are you so scared of?”

“I don’t want to be some nostalgia act. I want to work on new and exciting projects but not something that people keep making me feel like the whole thing rests in my hands.”

“What do you mean?”

“For so long, it had to be all five of us or nothing and we all agreed to that. Then Coachella happened and the moment Justin couldn’t do it, I figured the other guys would be out but they wanted to do this one and Ariana, she’s such a sweetheart and a big fan and it was kind of like, ok, this one time. And I stuck to that and they didn’t. Now all of a sudden it’s like, let’s just do the four of us but I wasn’t leaving Justin out like that. Then after he had some down time, Justin wanted to talk about it but he couldn’t focus all of his time to it. He was getting ready to shoot Palmer so the four of them decided it was up to me to do it all if I was so adamant about new material. I had to write a whole fucking album myself and that was too much pressure. Justin said he’d help after filming but then Jess got pregnant then he wanted to be at home, which I completely respect but while there he started writing for his own next album so it all fell to me once again.”

“JC, I simply can’t believe the other guys expected you to do all the grunt work yourself. Did anyone outright say that you had to compose an entire album?”

“No. They offered to make some calls to different writers and producers, like they didn’t trust me to handle it.”

“Let me make sure I’m understanding. You’re mad that you feel your bandmates are leaving you to put together an album but you are also mad that they offered you help.”

“Right, they didn’t offer TO help.”

“Jesus Christ, really? This is the fucking hang up? The misuse of a preposition?!” Colleen marched over to JC. “What is it you want, JC? Plain English.”

“I want things to go back to how they used to be, us all working together. True collaboration. That’s not possible anymore. We can barely schedule calls let alone be in the same place for more than a few hours without someone needing to be somewhere else.”

“What’s the issue with piecemealing it? I mean, I assume you’d need to actually write the songs before you got in the studio, correct?”

“Yeah, but it’s all fluid and a song changes as you go. All five of us need to have a say.”

“So do it like you do the merch? It gets designed and then tweaked along the way until all five of you agree. Apply the same principle, at least to start.”

“I don’t feel like writing a bunch of songs myself that are just going to get picked apart.”

“You said you’d collaborate with anyone so why not them? You are putting all this pressure on yourself that I don’t think any of them intended. Give them a chance. Work with them on some stuff or at least talk some of this shit out.”

“I’m supposed to what? Go one by one like some traveling salesman?”

“JC, your friends miss you. Lance and Michael said as much when we were over and it sounds like they have no idea what you’ve been struggling with. Lance didn’t once bring up anything about a reunion, he was just happy to see you. Go reconnect with them and if it comes up, just be honest and open. Maybe you do work on stuff, maybe they understand a little better where you are coming from. I don’t know, just stop being so obstinate about it. The world still needs your voice, JC, even if you can’t see that.”

“No it doesn’t, Colleen,” JC shook his head, “and I’m sick of people telling me otherwise. If I was so needed, my career would be in a different spot right now. It worked out how it should have. I love music but I was never comfortable as the star. Being behind the scenes is where I belong.”

“Performing is where you belong as well. Keep lying to yourself if that makes you feel better but it is evident how much you miss it when you actually get the balls to do it. You once said you’d do it if you were broke. Where did that drive go?”

“I’m still doing it, I’m still in the industry. I didn’t completely give up. I just found the place where I can contribute the most.”

“I’m not saying completely change your career path. Yes, so many people, including myself, wish you’d do another solo album and you don’t want to and that’s ok. But you can still perform and not be as crazy famous as you were before. You can have a balance between the two.”

“If I’m not able to embrace that spotlight again, the band won’t be as successful and if I’m going to do it, I need to commit to it 100 percent.”

Colleen stared at JC in disbelief. “JC, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Take it step by step. Forget the word reunion and all it entails at the moment. Do you just want to spend time with your friends and write some music?”

“We can’t…” JC started.

“Don’t worry about schedules and locations and what not right now. Just answer the question.”

“Yeah, I do,” JC admitted.

“Then start there. You’re so convinced everything with your career ended up how it should have, then give this a try and it’ll go how it’s supposed to go. Stop overthinking it; you sound like me,” Colleen gave a small chuckle. “You’re creating a narrative that isn’t there and coming up with so many excuses to not even try that you’re contradicting yourself when even attempting to explain. Search your soul and figure out what it is that you want and go from there.”

“I’ve been dragging my feet for too long by now. Even if I told them, they’re probably just gonna be even angrier at me so what’s the point?”

“The point is, you’ll at least know you were true to yourself, even if that means having someone who means the world to you reject you for it.” Colleen gave JC a sad smile then turned around and walked out the door.