JC silently followed Leena down the familiar corridor to the doorway he knew all too well. Every time he stepped through it, he experienced a different emotion. Sometimes excitement, sometimes trepidation; tonight he was feeling resolute. 

He stepped forward to take in his surroundings and heard the door gently shut behind him. It was just him now, for the moment, at least. JC’s eyes scanned the room and found it mostly unchanged. A new coat rack was affixed to the wall for better ease of access to various implements of pain & pleasure but that was all JC could find as different.

JC looked to his right and saw the same faded doormat with two hooks at about eye level. He knew the drill as he removed his leather jacket and hung it up while kicking off his boots. “I really should buy her a new one” JC thought to himself as he placed the boots on the mat. He then turned to face the room again and took in yet another huge breath of air before proceeding to the center.

If the slightly worn wood in that particular spot on the floor wasn’t enough indication, JC still would have known exactly where to go. He was too well trained. He stood over the spot, staring at it, practically wishing it would conjure up some magic sign to will him on. It didn’t, however, so JC had to muster up some more resolve as he sunk to his knees, clasped his hands behind his back and bowed his head. He was ready.

A few minutes went by but JC had no idea how long he’d been holding that position, to him it felt like hours. Finally, the stillness of the air was broken by the slithering voice he adored and feared. “Joshua”, it intoned to him, making every hair stand straight on end and his cock jerk to attention.

JC fought every urge to turn around. He hadn’t expected her from behind him, she normally came in the side door as he knew it led directly to the dressing room area. Already she was toying with him. He didn’t know whether to enjoy it or fear it but the anticipation was killing him.

He heard her footsteps slowly creep toward him, one agonizingly sharp step at a time. JC could feel his whole body start to vibrate as she inched closer and had to concentrate intently to keep himself still. A leather boot appeared in front of his lowered face with the matching one close behind. He saw a swath of red velvet cascading down one side but didn’t dare look to see the rest of the outfit. He knew not to move a muscle until he was told.

One foot slowly rose up towards his face as JC steeled himself for a night of utter submission & groveling. However, the foot stopped at his chest and gently but firmly pushed him to the ground. JC toppled over as the foot planted itself squarely just below his sternum, the spiked heel landing on his stomach, applying just enough pressure to remind him not to squirm.

Mistress Raina smirked down at JC’s shocked expression. “Let me guess: this time it’ll be different,” she mockingly stated. JC could feel the contempt dripping from her voice and suddenly had some genuine fear as to how he was going to make his indiscretion up to her.

Just as JC was trying to wrap his brain around the situation, the foot was removed swiftly from his body and he heard the pounding of footsteps marching away. Again, he knew better than to look but was utterly confused as to what was happening. Next he heard two distinct pops of metal hitting metal and two thuds against the floor. The footsteps came back towards him as Mistress Raina’s face loomed over him.

“Get up,” she growled down at him.

“Yes, Mistress,” JC sputtered out as he scurried to his feet.

Mistress Raina pointed toward the back of the room. “Sit,” she demanded.

JC saw the source of the aforementioned sound as two folding chairs faced each other. “What the hell?” JC thought as he did as instructed. He sat in the one on the right as Mistress Raina made her way to sit opposite him. As she glided into the chair, JC was able to finally take in her appearance. The red velvet he saw earlier was part of a tight, very low cut dress with a slit so high & wide that JC could see her black lace underwear easily. Her breasts were on full display and JC had to suppress licking his lips as he recalled worshiping her porcelain skin on many a countless night. Her boots encased her legs all the way up to mid thigh and she had on matching black gloves that mimicked the look on her arms. Her jet black hair hung straight down the left side of her body, nearly to her cinched waist, and shone like silk. Red lipstick and black eyeliner completed the look but JC only stole a quick glance as he feared the gaze that awaited him.

“Speak,” Mistress Raina commanded, cutting the silence in the air abruptly.

“I...I...ummm…” JC stammered, having no idea what to say, or rather what she wanted to hear.

“JC,” she said sharply, grabbing his immediate attention. His eyes grew wide; she hadn’t called him by his nickname since the first time they met. “JC,” she said again, making her point of using a different name. “We need to have a very frank and honest discussion.”

“Yes, Mistress,” JC agreed, already knowing putting words to his feelings was going to be tough.

“No JC, none of that, not tonight. Just Raina.”

JC felt a gut punch he wasn’t prepared for. He had expected rejection when he initially texted but her response seemed so hopefully they could work past everything. Somehow he wasn’t surprised she would choose to make this as painful as possible.

“We have been doing this for nearly 20 years, JC. You may pay me to make all your dirty little fantasies come true and keep your secrets but this stopped being simply a business relationship a long time ago. The way you acted towards me was unacceptable. I may solely be some all powerful fiercely dominant woman in your mind but I’m still a person with feelings.”

“I’m sorry, Mis….I’m sorry,” JC answered. He instantly felt ashamed that he had been so selfish; he never even considered that she would be hurt. Mad, yes, but not hurt.

“JC, what the hell actually happened? You’ve been in tons of relationships over the years and we’ve always managed to make this still work. Ones that wanted to join in, ones who didn’t, ones you just didn’t tell; I never judged how you handled your personal relationships because you were always honest with me about them. Not this time though and quite frankly, I deserve an explanation.” Raina folded her arms and waited for JC to respond.

JC sat there silently, gathering his thoughts. She was right, their number one rule was honesty and he hadn’t been honest the last time they spoke. Rather, he was just spewing a lie he had stupidly bought into and it was time to admit it.

“I got old,” JC lamented. “I look around and see my friends in these committed relationships and marriages, with their amazing careers and kids running around and….I don’t quite know how to explain it, I just thought that was what I wanted but I was just trying to convince myself I did. Not that I don’t either but I….” JC sighed audibly, knowing he could no longer skirt the facts. “Let me try this again.”

“I met a girl, well, not a girl, a woman. We dated casually at first and it was fine and...she got pregnant. I mean, she was 42 so I knew it wasn’t completely impossible but still a shock. I’m always careful, we were careful. I’ve gone through a few pregnancy scares over the years but surprisingly never had one actual come to fruition.”

“All of a sudden, my whole life needed to change. I had to figure out how to make this relationship work or if I even wanted it to. I should have been happy but I was scared shitless.”

“So that’s why you called things off, cuz you were gonna be a father?” Raina asked.

“No, actually. I had come here a few days after I found out but then everything just kind of spun out of control. It just...it wasn’t a priority any longer.”

“I can understand that but then why the sudden declaration of “I can’t do this anymore!”?”

JC choked back his emotions and continued. “She made it about 7 weeks and then miscarried. I didn’t even...it was so early, we never even got a sonogram. I’ve never seen my kid and I never will. It’s like he or she never existed but they did,” JC wiped away a tear as he pressed on. “She was a wreck, I was a wreck. I hadn’t told anybody, not even my parents, so I thought I’d be relieved I could just go on like nothing happened. I didn’t want to though; I was sold so fast on this fantasy of an instant family of my own that I didn’t want to give it up.”

“I moved her into my house within a week. I canceled recording sessions, I stopped writing, I put my complete focus on her and creating this family. We delved into the nitty gritty of our lives hard and fast so we could get any obstacles out of our way. She had some debt, not crazy, a couple grand….I paid it off. I told her about you, about this, we agreed if we were going to be good role models that I needed to end it.”

“You agreed or she told you?” Raina questioned.

“She suggested, I complied. Actually, it’s not even that. I wanted to believe it so bad that I made myself do it. It was like I was brainwashed and applied the soap myself.”

Raina covered her mouth to stifle a giggle at JC’s word play as he continued. “She never said “End this”, it wasn’t her thing and that’s ok. We both didn’t want distractions from our goal of having a kid and, at the time, it made perfect sense.”

“When did it stop making sense?”

“We spent months trying to get her pregnant again. Changed our diets, upped our exercise, tried different massage and meditation but it never worked. About three weeks ago, she called it quits and left. She didn’t tell me she had sub-let her condo instead of selling it so it was easy for her to just leave, I guess.”

“Did she tell you why?”

JC chuckled to himself, “I was suffocating her. Can you believe it? I’ve been shit at commitment my whole life yet I was all consumingly committed to her.”

“You weren’t committed to her, JC. You were committed to an ideal. She just happened to be there when it happened,” Raina delicately advised him.

JC sat there stone faced, taking Raina’s retort in. He slunk down in his chair and covered his face with his hands. “Fuck,” he breathed into them. 

Raina let him sit there for a few moments to deal with whatever emotions he was going through before speaking again. “JC, I’m so sorry for your loss but your grief has manifested itself in some really unhealthy ways.”

“I know,” JC admitted, sitting back up. “I called up a therapist and that’s been helping a lot. I’m easing back into the studio, working with some new artists. Haven’t gotten back to writing yet but I’ll get there. I’m trying to….I want to rebuild the connections I broke off.”

“Is that what this is about then? Do you think you can simply apologize and we can go back to the way things were?” Raina asked him, her voice raising just a bit.

“No. I knew it would be work. Quite frankly, I thought for sure you’d tell me to fuck off when I texted.”

“I thought about it,” Raina quickly interjected.

“And that would have been fair. You’re right, I was completely inappropriate with you. I...I honestly was just trying to convince myself that I needed to grow up and stop doing all this. That because I liked...” JC paused, gathering his words. “I wanted to blame you as the reason I didn’t have the white picket fence and 2.8 kids and all that American ideal shit. It was easier than admitting that I didn’t want it, because I’m supposed to, right? I like this and it was never something I was ashamed of until it was and instead of trying to figure out why, it was easier to shut you out. I don’t expect you to forgive me but I’m thankful you’ve given me a chance to explain.”

Raina stared at JC, herself now trying to take everything in. She got up and walked to the opposite side of the room, her back squarely toward JC so he couldn’t see her face. She wanted to cry and was trying hard to hold it together. She’d come to terms years ago that part of her job was essentially being used by people for their own pleasure. She’d had spouses threaten her for corrupting their “better half”, she’d had CEOs who got caught by their board members call her a deplorable slut and storm off. She never let it get to her because she was secure in who she was in that regard. She loved her job and never thought of herself or her co-workers as anything less than hard working people who chose a more unconventional path in life.

JC was a rare one, however. It wasn’t because he was famous; this was L.A., she’d had quite a few famous clients over the years, that didn’t phase her. It was the fact they had been consistently in this D/s relationship for years. Sure, it was her job, she wasn’t going anywhere, but most clients had a shelf life of 3 years max. For JC to have been a part of her life for this long was remarkable and simply unheard of in her industry. That’s part of why it had hurt so incredibly bad when he burned everything they had built over the years to the ground. She never saw it coming and suddenly someone who had been a part of her life was gone with no explanation.

She knew now though. She’d seen this with people before; the stupid idea that enjoying anything other than vanilla sex with your partner after 30 somehow made you less of an adult. It had always been her opinion it made you a better one because these were the people who owned who they were and didn’t conform to “social norms”. She was honestly surprised that JC of all people had fallen victim to it.

Raina composed herself and turned back to JC, still sitting in the exact position she left him in. “What is it you want, JC?”

JC turned his body toward her, “I just wanted to apologize and, hopefully, earn my way back into your good graces.”

“No no no, that’s not what I meant. I mean, your whole life got upheaved then plopped back down again. Where does that leave you? How do you want to rebuild it?” Raina questioned.

JC chuckled, “Sounds like I’m my own tornado.” He sat for a moment and then confessed, “I honestly don’t know. Things can never be exactly as they were but I don’t think I want them to be either. I’m not sure yet what that means.”

“I think you do, JC,” Raina told him, crossing back over towards him. “Just say what you’re feeling out loud, even if it doesn’t make sense.”

JC pulled in a deep breath and spoke, “I want what everyone wants; a perfect life. I just don’t want the same things that constitute that life that lots of other people do. I want to work steadily in my industry and have my musical succeed. I want a partner who will support me in every aspect of my life, including this one. I don’t want this to end, Raina, and I’ve spent so many years thinking I could have it both ways but I just don’t know if that’s realistic anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Because it has yet to work. Most chicks don’t get it and the ones that do think it’s just some fun kink and it’s more than that. I don’t know how to explain that to someone.”

“The right person will understand it, JC,” Raina reassured him, sitting back down across from him. “You deserve someone who loves and respects every aspect of you. Even if I wasn’t a part of your life, your desires are and that’s never going to change.”

“How do you do it?” JC asked earnestly.

It was an unspoken rule to separate your personal life from your professional one, one Raina followed diligently. Hearing JC’s turmoil and given their history, she felt compelled to chance it. “My husband Ron is amazing. We met at a bar where we were both with some friends and I drunkenly told him what I did for a living. Of course, at first, he was all “That’s so hot, you can spank me anytime” but as the relationship got more serious, I had to really lay out what I did and make sure he was ok with it. I set up a mock session with one of the male Doms here and had Ron come in and watch intimately what I do. He understandably needed some time to fully take it all in but he came around. My son Ethan and daughter Winnie have an idea what I do but they’re too young to truly grasp it. Though Ethan is closing in on 17 and he’s gonna put two and two together real soon.”

JC blinked a couple times. “I’m sorry, I just….that’s amazing you can be so open with your family but, how did I miss you being pregnant...twice?!”

Raina laughed, “Ethan was when you were doing your solo tour so the timing worked out well so you never knew. Winnie I was able to hide nearly until I gave birth because she decided to show up early. I was out for a few weeks and I’m sure they told you I was on vacation if you called.”

JC truly couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He always assumed Raina was single and living some posh life shopping on Rodeo by day and making people worship her by night. He was amazed she was a wife and absolutely stunned she was mom. She probably baked cookies for the PTA meetings for all he knew now. 

“So you actually do have it all?” JC finally asked her.

“I don’t think anyone actually has it all, JC, but what I have I enjoy greatly. I got into this business after college to pay off my loans and ended up loving it. I get paid to live out my kinky fantasies and help other people achieve theirs. It’s amazing but it’s not my whole life. I don’t live a “kinky lifestyle” at home and I wish more people would realize it doesn’t need to be all or nothing or something hidden away in secret. It’s just about balance.”

“Yeah, that’s what Miss Jacky said earlier,” JC stated. “I guess I just wish I could have what you have.”

“You can, JC. You just have to find it.”

“I’ll be 45 in August; if it hasn’t happened yet, I doubt it’s ever going to,” JC lamented.

“This is where I think I can help,” Raina said, getting up and crossing to a small table and starting to jot something down. She returned with a piece of paper. “Do you trust me?” she asked him.

“Implicitly,” he responded without hesitation.

“No, JC, really think about this one. I’ve never once interfered in your personal life but I care about your well being and feel like this may just be what you are looking for.”

JC considered Raina’s question. She was right, no matter the girl or situation with her, she never gave her opinion or passed judgment. The closest she ever got was sending him home to have sex on her command but he was going to do that anyways; he just liked being told to.

“Yes, I do trust you,” JC finally replied,

“Good,” Raina smiled as she handed over the piece of paper. JC peered at it to see an address written across: 2673 Davis Blvd. “I will make the arrangements and let you know when to be there. What’s your schedule the next few days?” Raina asked.

“Um, I’ve got a recording session Thursday morning, should be done around 3,” JC said, still staring at the note and scratching his head. He knew better than to ask where she wanted him to go and he felt confident she wasn’t leading him into danger.

“That should work.” Raina turned around and headed towards the side door of the room. She stopped just short of opening it and turned to re-address JC. “We’re done for the night, Joshua. Go home and get some sleep. I’ll be in touch.” With that, Raina left and shut the door behind her, leaving JC alone with his thoughts once more.

JC practically fell onto the floor in relief. He’d never been so happy to hear his own name in his life. He looked at the note again, trying to imagine what Raina had planned for him. The worst had to be over, right?