“Hi Josh.”

“Hey Doc,” JC said as he sat down in the plush armchair of his therapist’s office.

“How you doing today?”

“Doing alright,” JC said, fidgeting slightly. He wasn’t exactly nervous for today’s visit but after last time, he knew some things were going to be brought up he still wasn’t really sure how to answer.

“How’s the back?”

“Better…nearly healed.”

“Have you arranged to go see Mistress Raina yet?”

“No. I promised Colleen and one of my friends I wouldn’t go back until it was back to normal. Sometime in the next week or two, I anticipate.”

“What do you think will happen when you go?”

“I don’t know, the usual, I suppose. Whatever Mistress Raina wants. My guess would probably be some sort of punishment for the last time.”

“Punishment?”

“Denial,” JC explained. “Get me hard then not do anything about it. Not sure how that’s gonna work with Colleen around though.”

“How so?”

“I can’t…” JC was suddenly feeling a bit shy describing in detail Mistress Raina’s preferred methods. “I’m not allowed to…get off…until she tells me.”

“Ah,” the Doctor said, writing a note. “So not until your next next visit then?”

“No, she’ll text me. We just kept it that way from when I used to travel a lot. Sometimes it’s a few days but it could also be a couple weeks.”

“How have you handled that with other relationships?”

“Normally it’s pretty easy to avoid them for a few days. When it’s not, I just say I’m not feeling good.”

“Can’t you do the same with Colleen?”

“I don’t think so. Colleen spends nearly every weekend with me and we certainly enjoy sex with each other…”

“So you’ve mentioned,” the Doctor chuckled.

“Exactly so one night I might get away with but two…she’ll know something’s up.”

“You could always tell her.”

“I could and, I mean, I hadn’t thought of that but, yeah, that’s not an issue for me. I just would feel bad denying her something because I can’t give it to her at the moment.”

“It’s not that you can’t but that you won’t,” the Doctor pointed out. “That’s ok for it to be the choice you are making but it’s still a choice.”

“It’s actually not,” JC said. 

“It is,” the Doctor stated matter of factly and sat forward. “Let’s break this down in two ways. The first is about Mistress Raina’s instructions themselves. If I’m understanding you correctly, she is saying you aren’t allowed to orgasm without her permission, is that correct?”

“Correct.”

“So not that you aren’t allowed to have sex with your girlfriend?”

“I mean, I guess not but I can’t have sex with her without cumming?”

“I’m taking a guess that Mistress Raina’s intent is not just about having control over you but about testing your willpower. I would suggest you ask her.”

“Ask her what exactly?”

“If she gives you that directive, ask for clarification if it means strictly not having an orgasm or no sexual activities. Then you might be allowed to still have sexual relations with Colleen and not break the rules.”

“Seems like I’m splitting hairs at that point,” JC pondered.

“You won’t know unless you ask,” the Doctor informed him. “You also could just lie and tell her you didn’t.”

“I don’t lie to Mistress Raina.”

“Yet you lied to your girlfriend.”

JC’s body tensed. “Yes…I did.”

“Why? You’ve said she has no issue with you seeing Mistress Raina. What was your impetus to lie about this time?”

JC sighed. He knew this question would be coming and truly had thought about his rationale. “I felt guilty for being upset about my friend’s amazing news. Colleen would’ve asked what was wrong if I told her I suddenly wanted to go see Mistress Raina and I didn’t feel like talking about it. I knew Mistress Raina wouldn’t ask.”

“Do you think Colleen would have tried to talk you out of going?”

“I don’t know. I like to think not but I also feel like she would have wanted to talk it out, at least before I went and, as I said, I wasn’t in the mood.”

“But you didn’t give her the chance to even see how she’d react, did you?”

“No, I didn’t,” JC hung his head. “I hated lying to her and I’ve apologized.”

“I want to go back to my other point about you feeling like you have no choice with Mistress Raina.”

“Doc, I’m gonna stop you right there,” JC interjected. “I truly do know I have a choice. I choose to leave once before and I also choose to come back. She has rules that I’ve agreed to abide by and I also know that if there is truly something I’m uncomfortable with, I can let her know. I guess what I’m trying to say is, given our arrangement, I don’t feel comfortable questioning her directives.”

“Well, I’m glad to know you do understand you have a choice in the matter,” the Doctor smiled, “but you don’t always have to blindly follow her orders. Frame it as wanting to ensure you are obeying accurately.”

JC pondered the idea. “I guess but, how do I phrase this? I like just…doing it. Whatever it is, I like her telling me what she wants and doing it for her, no questions asked.”

“Why is that?”

“I trust her. She’s always had my best interests at heart. It’s not just about sex.”

“Do you love her?” the Doctor asked, writing down more notes.

“I love Colleen,” JC reaffirmed.

“That didn’t answer my question.”

JC had considered the question himself multiple times over the years and did his best to answer as honestly as possible. “I think I love the idea of her, everything that she represents. She’s not…she’s married, she has kids. Being a dominatrix is her job so the person I love isn’t real, but it’s the best I got. Shit, I’m sure Raina’s not even her real name.”

“Do you love Colleen because she is real?”

“Yes but not just because of that. When I think of the future with Mistress Raina, I see things staying the same as they are and I like that. I like the stability of that. My future with Colleen feels…exciting. Like the possibilities are endless. She gives me something to look forward to each day. None of that is guaranteed though.”

“You love Mistress Raina because she’s consistent and you love Colleen because she gives you hope for something better.”

“A large oversimplification but that’s pretty accurate, I suppose.”

“What if Mistress Raina quit her job tomorrow?”

“She wouldn’t do that,” JC said defensively.

“She could though. Would you just get another Mistress?”

JC sat there stunned. He never even imagined that Mistress Raina wouldn’t be there when he needed, she always had been. He somehow logically knew there would come a time when she wasn’t but he assumed that wouldn’t be until retirement age.

“Josh, I’m not trying to upset you,” the Doctor started again. “but I think I need to remind you that the only certainty in life is that one day it will end. It sounds to me like you are using Mistress Raina a bit too much as a crutch and that’s putting a hindrance on your progression with Colleen.”

“I love Colleen, I do, but I also want Mistress Raina in my life. I know I’m being selfish yet I don’t…I don’t want to keep fucking up,” JC got out, putting his head in his hands.

“What do you feel like you’re fucking up?”

“I’m 45 and it still feels like I haven’t grown up because…I haven’t. No wife, no kids, barely a career anymore. I’m so fucking scared to even try because I just keep failing! With Mistress Raina, there’s no failing. I know exactly what I need to do for her approval. I can’t do that for anyone else, apparently.”

The Doctor leaned over and put a tissue on JC’s lap. “Josh, breathe. It’s ok.” JC took a few long deep breaths as he heard the scribble of the Doctor’s pen. “Do you want to stop?”

“No, I’m ok,” he lied but didn’t want the rest of the hour to go to waste. He was thankful to have someone unbiased to listen to him but he sometimes hated knowing that once he said something out loud, they’d have to go digging into it. He knew that was the point and it was helpful in the long run but the process was pretty painful sometimes.

“You said you love Mistress Raina because of what she represents. Do you think that’s the same case with Colleen?”

“No, I know it’s not,” JC stated. “My ex before her…that’s how it was. I saw a kid and a family for the first time in my future and I clung to that idea hard. I love Colleen for who she is but also, yes, I find myself imagining a future with her.”

“What kind of future?”

“A happy one,” JC gave a small smile. “She’s this amazing encouragement all the time. She can somehow talk me into trying stuff that I’m normally too scared to attempt.”

“Like writing with your band again?”

“Exactly like that. She can tell what I do and don’t want to do, even when I can’t admit it to myself. I don’t know if that’s because she’s just that intuitive a person or she’s really been studying me that hard over the years.”

“Would it worry you if it was the latter?”

“No,” JC paused and then laughed. “See, this is exactly what I mean. I don’t date fans, I just don’t. It’s too much pressure for me to be who they want. Colleen just wants me to be me and she has this knack of getting me to see things differently…to give things a chance. She respects my privacy but nudges me to dip my toe back into public life.”

“It sounds like she wants you to be the whole you instead of two sides of yourself.”

“Yeah, her speech in Miami has really stuck with me. Colleen…she makes me not as scared to try and reconcile the two, like I can go out and perform a show then come home to her for a quiet night. She makes me feel like I can have it all and that’s amazing and petrifying all at once.”

“Why is that?”

“Because nobody can have it all, that’s not how the world works.”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t think of it as having it all but rather as a balance between the two.”

“There’s that word again,” JC chuckled. “Everyone keeps telling me I need better balance in my life.”

“What do you think?”

JC sighed. “I think I’m fooling myself every time I feel like I’m getting close. I can’t have the Mistress and have the girl. I can’t have the girl and tour. I can’t tour and keep my life private. I don’t understand how to have a balance even though I keep trying to.”

“Well then that’s definitely something I think we should talk about next time,” the Doctor smiled. “On that subject, I do want to wrap up by going back to your feelings about Mistress Raina.”

“I know, Doc. She may be flesh and blood, but she’s not real. I’m going to have to pick at some point if I want the fake security or the uncertain reality.”

The Doctor nodded approval at JC’s assessment of his current situation. “I know what you want is actually an amalgamation of the two: a guaranteed future but no one can have that. For now, if these two women have agreed to the arrangement, you are getting as close to balance of both things as you can. There are certainly many cases where a partner is fine with the person having a BDSM specific partner or even a purely sexual partner. Relationships aren’t cookie cutter, Josh. When you feel you need to make a decision, if that ever comes, we’ll talk about it then. For right now though, you need to acknowledge you are in a relationship with both and be honest with each of them.”

“Otherwise I get caught,” JC laughed at his own stupidity of thinking he could ever pull one over on Colleen.

“Not exactly how I would have put it but yes. They have put aside their differences for you. Be honest with them both and with yourself, always.”

“Thanks Doc,” JC smiled as the timer went off. “Same time next week?”

“Double check with my secretary before you leave but should be fine.” JC stood to leave as the Doctor placed a hand on his shoulder. “Josh, minor setback, ok? You’re doing great.” JC appreciated the reassurance and thanked the Doctor as he left.

JC got in his car, checked the time and called Colleen once he got on the road. “Hey,” he said when she picked up. “Hope you aren’t still at the office.”

“No, got out at a decent time today. What’s up?”

“Nothing, I mean, nothing important, I just…I was wondering if I could stop by tonight.”

“Yeah, of course,” Colleen told him, pleasantly surprised. “Is everything ok?”

“Fine, yeah, just…just want to see you,” he smiled. “I can pick up dinner.”

“Nah, I got some chicken I took out I gotta use. Chicken Piccata ok with you?”

“Yeah, that’s fine, just surprised you’re cooking,” JC chuckled.

“I can cook!” Colleen protested. “I just don’t like to that much. Plus you are better at it so I’m happy to be the recipient of your delicious meals.”

“Sounds like you’re saying you want me to cook the chicken,” JC teased.

“Nope, now I have something to prove,” Colleen pointed out. “I’ll meet you at my place. Love you,” she said before hanging up. JC breathed a sigh of relief he didn’t realize he needed to get out. All he wanted tonight was to have Colleen in his arms.

“That’s it, you need to cook more,” JC said as he plopped himself down on Colleen’s couch and rubbed his stomach. “That was delicious.”

“Now you see why I didn’t offer before,” Colleen laughed, sitting next to him. “I suppose I can put myself in the rotation every once in a while.”

“How is it I’m still discovering new things about you?” JC marveled.

“It would be boring if we knew everything. Discovery is part of the fun,” Colleen smiled. JC let out a contented sigh and laid down, putting his head in Colleen’s lap and wrapping one arm around her back. “Anything in particular you’d like to watch?” she offered as she grabbed the tv remote.

“Nothing that requires too much thought,” JC said, closing his eyes and just enjoying the feel of his girlfriend next to him.

“Wipeout it is,” she decided and found a recent episode.

The show was merely background noise as JC lay there and Colleen scrolled and texted on her phone. Eventually, she giggled at something. “What’s so funny?” JC asked, opening his eyes.

“Just something on Twitter.”

“You gonna share?”

Colleen moved her phone to hover over JC’s face.

Bitches don’t shut up about JC Chasez being THE voice of *NSYNC. It’s me, I’m bitches.

JC chuckled, “That’s kind but I don’t like people discounting the hard work the other guys put in. I know they mean well…”

“Honey, you have got to learn to take a compliment,” she told him, running her fingers through his hair with her free hand. “How about this one?” she suggested, showing him the phone again.

JC Chasez is irreplaceable. His passion and voice are sorely missed. Come back King!

“King,” JC scoffed. “When have I been a king of anything?” Colleen looked perturbed as she scrolled more and showed him another tweet.

I would let JC Chasez put me in a choke hold and strangle me to death if it meant being that close to his arms just once.

JC let out a brief high pitched laugh in shock. “Jesus, well, they obviously haven’t seen my arms lately. People just write anything on the internet.” Colleen sighed and put her phone down. “What?” JC asked.

“Sometimes I wish you could see you the way your fans see you,” she lamented.

“I’m trying, ok?” he said, sitting up. “I wouldn’t have even entertained the idea of a reunion album if it wasn’t for you. You…you help me see the world differently and I can’t thank you enough for that.” Colleen gave him a sweet smile and his hand a squeeze. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“For what?”

“For lying about seeing Mistress Raina. For pretending I was ok when I wasn’t.”

“JC, I do understand wanting to keep your hurt inside for the sake of others. I’m not the best at it either but you can’t get it out of you the way you have been. I don’t care how safe Raina is being, it’s not healthy and I’ll do everything I can to help you find a better avenue.”

“I know, it was stupid. I used to pour it all out on paper but even that…it’s hard to do a lot of the time anymore.”

“I feel like I read somewhere you used to keep a journal when you were touring. Have you thought about going back to that?”

“Tried it a few times over the years. “Got up, took a piss, had some food, tried to write, went to bed” gets old after a while.”

“God, imagine living it,” Colleen gently teased.

“Colleen, I…” JC wasn’t sure where to start, even what he actually wanted to say but he knew he had to say something. “I love you and I don’t want to fuck this up. I can’t…I don’t know how I’d live with myself if I failed you.”

“JC, I love you too and you didn’t fuck it up. I’m not happy but I’m trying to be understanding. There’s…” Colleen took a deep breath before proceeding. “There’s a lot of things I don’t bring up because I already know enough of the story to know it’s a rough topic. Just know I’m always here to listen if you ever do want to discuss them.”

“Such as?”

“Ok…such as the miscarriage and just that whole situation with your ex. Eva. Kathryn. What happened with your second album…”

“The list of all my failures…”

“That’s not what I said. Honestly, I’d love to hear crazy road stories as well. Tales from Germany and what it was like to perform with Michael Jackson. All of it either seems to upset you cuz it’s painful or because you miss it. I’m not here to make you dredge up shit that makes you sad just for my own amusement or understanding.”

“No, I should…I should tell you more about that stuff. What do you want to know?” JC told her, bracing himself for the onslaught of questions.

“JC,” Colleen calmly stated, “that wasn’t a challenge. If it comes up, I’ll be a little more forward about asking it.”

JC blinked a few times at his girlfriend then pulled her into a tight hug, kissing the top of her head. They stayed like that for a few moments, Colleen rubbing his back as they embraced. “You scare me,” he whispered.

“What?” Colleen pulled back, perplexed by JC’s statement. “Why do I scare you?”

“I want you…to be here…to be with me, always. That’s not really a thing that works out for me but I…really want to try with you. For you. And what I want is a guarantee that forever means forever, no matter what but you can’t promise that and neither can I. Just know, that’s what I want, is forever with you.”

Colleen’s hand had come up to hover over her open mouth as tears started streaming down her cheeks. They’d only scratched the surface on talking about an actual permanent commitment to each other but somehow Colleen knew that was the closest she’d ever get JC to proposing. It felt like their own version of the Grey’s Anatomy Post-it note.

“JC, I love you in so many immeasurable ways. All I ever want is for you to be happy so if I can contribute to that, that’s good enough for me. I love seeing the light in you shine and…and I know things have been tough but I’m gonna be here, right beside you, every step of the way. The good and the bad.”

“I’m starting to feel like my bad days are behind me,” JC smiled, wiping away Colleen’s tears.

“Let’s pray that’s the case,” she said as she leaned in and kissed him. JC shut his eyes and relished the moment. Could it really be this good forever? Of course not, but he knew that having Colleen in his life meant it would never really be that bad again. 

JC stood up and held out his hand to Colleen. She put her hand in his and stood as well. JC pulled her hand up to his shoulder then bent down and scooped her legs up so he held her in his arms. “Oh my God, what are you doing?!” she laughed and screamed, completely caught off guard. 

“I’m gonna take you in the bedroom and show you exactly how much I love you,” JC beamed as he carried Colleen down the hall and into her bedroom, placing her on the bed and climbing on top of her. There would be nothing kinky about their love making tonight as they blocked out every other concern or worry to enjoy one perfect night in each other’s arms.