JC only vaguely realized he was driving up the PCH when he started to feel the bile raising from his stomach into his throat. He’d been on auto pilot since he left the grocery store but his mind started to clear as he quickly found a pull off. He barely got the car in park before heaving out the door. Cars whizzed by and JC was oddly thankfully no one was being a good samaritan and checking on him.

After a few moments of just hanging there and catching his breath, JC found some napkins in his glove compartment and cleaned off his face. He sat back in his seat and looked up at the sky, still not wanting to deal with what had just happened.

His immediate thought was to contact Mistress Raina but he swore he wouldn’t go that route again when he was upset. He knew the right thing to do was call his therapist. JC took a few sharp breaths and grabbed his phone.

“Hello. You’ve reached the voicemail of Dr. Graham. A friendly reminder that I am on vacation through the end of the month. If your call is of an urgent nature…”

JC threw his cell phone down on the passenger seat in frustration. He’d forgotten that detail from their last meeting. He thought about calling Colleen but she was still at work. He’d already ruined their evening, their anniversary, he wanted to at least give her the rest of the day before having to deal with him.

It wasn’t fair to her to deal with his shit, JC thought. She signed up to date her dream guy and he was a lot more of a mess than she realized. She’d never realize how hard he tried for her and how hard it was some days. Sometimes he missed sitting in his house for days on end, scribbling lyrics as they came to him and binging Chopped; seeing Mistress Raina whenever he needed to…

JC shook his head and tried to focus. He needed to talk to someone. He pulled up Justin’s number but stopped just short of calling. Justin’s words from their fight came roaring back in his head. “How you gonna fuck this one up, huh?” he could still hear Justin telling him, the disgust in him clear on his friend’s face. JC didn’t feel like a lecture, plus Justin had his own shit to deal with. JC didn’t want to pile on.

Chris! Chris knew the full story. JC hastily dialed Chris’s number but deflated when he got voicemail, disconnecting without leaving a message. There was too much explaining to call Lance or Joey. He tried Autumn but got her voicemail as well.

JC scrolled through his contacts, trying to figure out who he could unburden himself to. So many people didn’t know about the situation with Julie, or even that there had been a Julie. It seemed like the right call at the time but now he realized he’d dug his own hole with this one.

As a last resort, he tried his dad. After a few rings, he once again found himself hearing another voicemail. He knew his dad would call back and would instantly worry if he didn’t leave a message so he chickened out and lied.

“Hey Dad, it’s Josh. Just checking in.” JC glanced at the clock as he continued. “Guessing you and Mom are having dinner. Uh, just called to say hi. I have plans tonight so I’ll try you again tomorrow. Love you.”

“FUCK!” JC screamed into the air, hitting the steering wheel. He couldn’t call anybody. He couldn’t go home and face Colleen and explain how he’d fucked up their anniversary. He couldn’t go to Mistress Raina. He just wanted to go somewhere and forget about everything for a while until he was ready to face it. He needed some really strong alcohol and distractions.

An idea popped in JC’s head and he instantly went with it, throwing his car back into drive and heading back towards L.A. He kept glancing at his phone as he made his way to a gas station to fill up his tank but he hadn’t heard from anyone. JC swallowed hard and realized he was once again on his own to take care of his problems. He got back in his car and turned the radio up full blast as he began his four hour trip east.

Colleen pulled up to Josh’s house and practically ran for the door. It was so hard to get through her work day, knowing in part what the weekend had in store, but she somehow managed. She wore her new red lace bodysuit under her red work dress, thinking all day about the look on her boyfriend’s face when she stripped it off and stood in front of him in only the skimpy lingerie and her black pumps.

She knocked a second time, figuring Josh was finishing something up in the kitchen or upstairs. Colleen pulled out her cell phone and realized Josh never responded to her text stating she was heading over. She looked around and realized his Mercedes was missing.

“Maybe he got caught up at the store,” Colleen told herself, heading back to sit in her car. She texted Josh and let him know she was there and began to play around on her phone to kill the time until he arrived.

Forty five minutes had gone by and Colleen was starting to worry. She called Josh and his phone went straight to voicemail. “Hey Honey, just calling. I’m out front. Can you just shoot me a text and let me know everything’s ok? Looking forward to our evening. Love you.” Colleen let out a long breath and was determined not to be one of those people who freaked out if they hadn’t heard from their significant other.

JC heard the notification of the new voicemail from Colleen and played her message through his car stereo. Nothing was ok, nothing at all. There was no evening to look forward to anymore, not tonight and at this rate, probably ever. He’d failed, yet again, he kept telling himself. All her reassurances she didn’t need to get married or have kids were her just kidding herself he reasoned. His car sped up as he willed himself to get to his destination even faster and forget about his troubles for a few hours.

Colleen made it all of fifteen minutes before officially starting to worry. Even if he was in a closed studio session, he’d shoot her a message he was busy. This was completely out of character. She couldn’t exactly start calling hospitals so she pulled up Twitter and searched his name. No news of him on there so the idea he was in a car wreck was at least pushed aside for the time being.

The last time something happened, he went to Raina. He promised he wouldn’t go that route again but Colleen figured she was the best place to start.

C: Hey, have you heard from JC? No fight, not spying. He’s over an hour late to dinner and I can’t get ahold of him. Just making sure he’s ok.

Colleen called Josh again and once again got voicemail, this time not leaving a message. She texted him again and prayed for a reply to tell her she was overreacting. A moment later, Colleen’s phone buzzed from an incoming message but not the one she was hoping for.

R: Not a peep from him today. I’ll try him but keep me posted.

For Raina to not be outright snarky concerned Colleen even more. Colleen called Josh again but got the same voicemail in response. She didn’t want to raise any alarm bells if it was just her overactive imagination.

She let twenty more minutes go by and gave in to calling the calvary.

C: Hey Joey, have you heard from JC today?

J: Don’t try to be sneaky and find out your gift early

C: Wish that were the case.

J: Everything ok? No, haven’t heard from him today.

C: He’s late for our date. Like 1 ½ hours late. I’m trying not to panic. Tried Raina, he’s not there.

J: Was he supposed to go in the studio today?

C: Not that I know of and he would have texted if something came up.

J: You talk to the other guys yet?

C: I only have your number. I’ll text Karly and Michael next.

J: I’ll call Justin. Be in touch.

Colleen took a deep breath. Surely one of them knew something that would explain everything.

C: Hey, I’m probably just being the worrying girlfriend but have either of your spouses heard from JC today? He’s really late to meet me and I can’t get ahold of him.

A few more minutes passed as Colleen paced the driveway and waited for any type of response.

M: Lance said he texted with him around 2. Everything seemed fine. He’s reaching out now. 

K: Sorry we’ve been out at a Predators benefit all night. Chris is calling him now. Said he had a missed call a little after 5pm our time so like 3 for you guys.

Colleen looked at her phone as it was creeping towards 7pm now. A lot could happen in four hours and she tried hard not to think the worst.

JC watched as his phone started to light up repeatedly. Of course now everyone wanted to reach out, not when he needed them but when it was convenient for them. The damage was done in JC’s eyes. He’d made his decision and was sticking with it. His foot punched the accelerator harder as he whizzed through the desert to find some much needed relief.

A restricted number dialed into Colleen’s phone and she answered without hesitation. “Hello?” she attempted to sound even keeled.

“Hey, it’s Justin. What’s going on?”

“I can’t get ahold of JC and I’m starting to freak out,” Colleen said, her having to actually voice her worry making the situation suddenly real and more frightening. She recapped to Justin what she knew.

“Ok, I’ll handle it. I’ll call you back soon,” Justin told her.

“Wait! What do you mean you’re gonna handle it?” Colleen questioned.

“I mean I’ll find out what’s going on.”

“How? No one can reach him. You got special A-list celebrity powers us mere mortals don’t possess?”

“Yes and I’ll use them if I have to but for right now  I’m gonna use my “I’ve known JC for decades” powers and make sure he’s ok.” With that, Justin hung up.

“And there’s Justin,” JC rolled his eyes as he saw his bandmate’s call come through. He ignored it like all the others. As soon as the missed call notification came through, another from Justin immediately appeared followed by another and another. Justin relentlessly called, infuriating JC even more. Couldn’t anybody just take the hint he wanted to be left alone to deal with his own shit? He should of just turned his phone off but he always kept it live in case of emergencies…something JC realized Justin knew, which is why he was calling non-stop.

“What?!” JC finally answered.

“Are you ok?” Justin immediately asked.

“No,” JC said bluntly, moving to end the call.

“Don’t hang up, you know I’ll just call back,” Justin warned him, knowing how JC operated. “Talk to me, please.”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s done, you were right.”

“Right about what?”

“Shit’s too hard. I need a breather.”

Justin sucked in a long deep breath. “JC, where are you?”

“Out.”

“Well, I need you to turn around and get back in because your girlfriend is in front of your house and is worried sick about you.”

“You mean the star fucker?” JC spat back Justin’s own words to him.

“That’s not true and we both know it. I was drunk and angry that night.” JC was silent on the other end of the phone. “Can you please just tell me what happened?” Justin said softly. “I’ll tell everyone to back off and let you be once I know you’re ok, including Colleen.”

JC let the car slow up to a reasonable speed but kept driving. “I ran into Julie.”

“I’m sorry C but the name’s not ringing a bell.”

“Julie’s my ex.”

“Like the one before Colleen?” Justin asked. He didn’t know anything about that relationship other than it never seemed very healthy from his standpoint.

“Yeah,” JC confirmed. “She had her daughter with her.”

“Ok, I’m not really sure what that means. Is she yours?”

“No but she should be, she absolutely should be,” JC started to cry, the grief he’d been running from starting to take hold.

“JC, can you please at least pull over the car? I don’t want you driving when you’re this upset.”

“I’m fine!” JC yelled, wiping his tears.

Justin fought to keep his voice calm. “Why do you feel like she should be yours?”

“Because she should be. If things had worked out, if the baby hadn’t…” JC’s voice cut out, choked up on his own emotions.

“What baby, JC?” Justin asked cautiously, almost scared to know the answer.

“My baby…our baby. I got her pregnant and she miscarried. I see her and she just…replaced our kid. Like it never even happened. How do you…how could she do that?”

“JC, I’m so sorry,” Justin breathed out, not knowing how to comfort his friend, heartbroken to not only hear what he had gone through but to know he’d carried the pain with him all this time. JC could never unpack his load so adding onto it was even more dangerous. Suddenly, Justin was sympathizing with JC’s desire to flee.

“Today of all days,” JC continued. “I thought it had been going so well but I was just kidding myself.”

“What happened is terrible, JC but Colleen has nothing to do with that.”

“I can’t give her a kid, Justin.”

“Is that what she wants?”

“She said she’d be fine either way.”

“And you don’t believe her?”

“How many people have lied to us over the years, J? Not all of them even intentionally but lying to themselves just to keep us around? I can’t give her what she wants.”

“Which is?”

“Commitment. Marriage. I was…I was gonna try, tonight, to promise…something. Maybe this is a sign.”

“JC, one thing I did mean from my drunken rant is that Colleen is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. I’m begging you to come home and just let her know what you are going through.”

“She didn’t sign up for this, J. She wanted to date the guy that hung on her walls. You should have seen her on her birthday. She was so into me being this celebrity I don’t want to be anymore. That’s what she wants.”

“One night of playing around doesn’t mean your whole relationship. You think Jess and I haven’t done that to one another? It’s an ego trip, for sure, but it’s not our entire relationship.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” JC shot back.

Justin seethed at the comment but let it go. JC was doing exactly what he had done weeks before by deflecting off the topic and Justin wasn’t going to let it happen. “Can you at least let me know where you’re going so I can let Colleen know not to worry and can relax until you get back?”

“I’m not coming back.”

“You have to come back eventually. You can’t just abandon your house.”

“I’ll come back to L.A. when I’m ready but not to Colleen.”

“Why? I don’t understand.”

“She’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I didn’t think I’d ever love someone as deep as I loved Eva but this is deeper. She’s too good for me, I don’t deserve her. I failed her, I failed her before I even met her.”

Now Justin was starting to panic. “JC, don’t throw this away. I bury my pain; you let yours eat you from the inside out. You became a shell of the guy I once knew and Colleen…I don’t know what she did but she’s started filling in the holes.”

“Our past haunts all of us, you should especially know that considering all the flack you’ve gotten recently.”

“It hurts, JC, I’m not going to lie. I don’t like that people define me by one interview or one bad breakup or a “wardrobe malfunction” for the rest of my life. But I’ve learned not to invest my energy into those people. I can’t worry about random people on the internet who say hateful things to me for their own amusement; I need to worry about why my wife doesn’t want to share a bed with me anymore.”

“This is why I didn’t call you. You have far more important shit to deal with than me and my fucked up life.”

“Few things are more important than you, JC. Besides, it’s a welcome distraction from my fucked up life,” Justin attempted to joke but it fell on deaf ears. “Can I at least come to wherever you are? We can commiserate together.”

“The press will catch you. Nobody cares about me.”

“That’s not true but I get what you’re saying,” Justin said, trying to think of yet a different angle. “Let’s get away for the weekend, just the two of us. I’ll find us somewhere to just drink and jam and…”

“I don’t need a babysitter,” JC snapped back, undeterred.

“Well you need something.”

“I need a few stiff drinks and some distraction.”

“What exactly does that mean, JC?”

“It means I’m done fighting my demons for a while. There’s no point. I always end up at the same place anyway.” JC saw the swell of bright lights rising out of the horizon. “Best to go somewhere they can wreck their havoc away from everyone else.”

“JC, don’t do something stupid. Blow off some steam if you need to but don’t wake up tomorrow morning regretting what you did tonight.”

“So much of my life has been full of regrets, why not add some more to the list?” JC said flippantly.

“Or how about we continue working on making peace with our past regrets to have a better future?” Justin tried to reason with him. “All the bad shit led you to Colleen. Bless the broken road and all that.”

“So it’s a good thing my kid died so I could meet Colleen?!”

“That’s not exactly what I’m saying. I just…you are spiraling out of control right now and I get it, I do. I just don’t want this situation to get any worse,” Justin explained.

“Well, you wondered how I’d fuck it up this time so here’s your answer. You were right, she deserves better than what I can give her.”

“By that logic, I was also right that you’re scared because it’s going so well. It’s your anniversary. You want a distraction? Go home and fuck her brains out and explain what’s going on tomorrow.”

“It’s too late to go home. I messed it all up already.”

“No you didn’t. JC, no you didn’t!” Justin pleaded. “Just go home, I promise you it’ll be ok. I will personally make sure it is ok.”

JC considered it for a moment. All he’d done was left town, Colleen would understand. She wouldn’t care about celebrating their anniversary a day late but he would. Another thing he just couldn’t get right. His career, his love life, fuck, his brain at this point, all constant reminders of how he used to be and the long slow descent into who he was now. There was no redemption arc for him and he’d been kidding himself that there ever was.

“Nice try, Justin but you can’t fix something that’s been broken for this long.”

“Your relationship isn’t broken!” Justin yelled.

“No, I am,” JC lamented and reached to disconnect the call.

“Just tell me where you are,” Justin asked again. “I need to know you’re somewhere safe.”

“I’m in the best place for demons to run free,” JC cryptically stated and ended the call.

“Fuck fuck fuck!” Justin frantically yelled and started dialing.

Colleen lost count of how many times she’d paced from her car to the front door. She felt utterly helpless and just kept praying JC was ok. An unknown number called Colleen’s phone and she frantically answered. “Hello?!”

“It’s Justin. I unblocked my number for you. Get in your car, I’ll explain on the way.”

Colleen felt like she was going to throw up as she ran to her car and backed it out of the driveway. She focused hard on remaining calm, not wanting to be the cause of another accident today. “What hospital is he at?”

“No hospital. Drive to the airport. Burbank.”

“The airport?” Colleen asked in surprise. “Where the hell is he?!”

“Vegas.”