“Welcome to the Mid-Life Crisis Club!” Joey jubilantly opened his front door to JC a few days later. “My name’s Joey and I’ll be your Cruise Director.”

JC dropped his bag and gave Joey a long, tight hug. “Wasn’t aware you were having a mid life crisis as well,” JC laughed.

“I’m in my mid forties, balding, have this oh so sexy gut and fuck women just old enough to not be my kid. Once I get a sports car, I’ll have the full set.” 

JC laughed and gave Joey a light smack in the arm at his self deprecating humor. “Well, thanks for taking in a lost soul.”

“Not a problem, man,” Joey reassured him, taking a step back and eyeballing JC. “You look like hell. I didn’t know you could grow that much facial hair.”

JC ran a hand through his scraggly beard. “Been a rough couple of days. Shaving hasn’t really been a priority.”

Joey leaned in and sniffed JC. “At least showering has.” Joey led JC down the hall into his living room and handed him a filled plastic cup. “To our screwed up lives!” Joey grabbed his own cup and toasted his band mate.

“Considering my current situation, I feel like alcohol is a bad choice,” JC stated, smelling the Jack Daniels emitting from the cup.

“No, you made stupid decisions all on your own, the alcohol just made them worse. Don’t make stupid decisions in the first place and you’ll be fine. My job while you’re on my watch is to make sure you don’t.”

JC gave his friend a small smile as he took a sip of his drink. “Think you’re up for the challenge? You being the responsible one is a bit of a stretch.”

“That’s why I called in back up,” Joey smirked.

“Surprise, fucker!” Chris exclaimed, entering the living room and giving JC a giant hug. “God, you look like shit.”

“So I’ve been told,” JC couldn’t help but laugh. “I feel like this is a recipe for disaster.”

“We’ll keep you drunk but we’ll also keep you out of trouble,” Chris informed him with a slap on the back before making himself a drink to join the other men. “Glad you took some time away, you needed it.”

“Yeah,” JC stared at his drink, “I guess so. Not like staying was doing any good.”

“Still no word from her?” Joey asked.

“I’ve called and texted a bunch but no response. I even drove by her place but I felt like a stalker. I have to learn to accept her decision,” JC sighed.

“I don’t think she’s made a decision yet, C,” Chris tried to reassure him. “Karly’s been checking in and she’s, you know, she’s hurt. She’s trying to take care of herself right now which is exactly what you should be doing as well.”

“That’s why I’m here, right?” JC gave a small roll of his eyes as he took another sip of his drink.

“You, uh, you talk to your therapist yet?” Joey tentatively asked.

“Still on vacay,” JC informed him. “Look, I’m not trying to brush you guys off but can we maybe eat before I unpack all my shit on you both?”

“Sure thing, man,” Joey smiled and wrapped an arm around JC’s shoulders, squeezing him tight.

A ridiculous amount of chicken wings later, JC started filling Joey in on the parts he had told Chris after their Christmas call and catching them both up to speed on the present. “So basically I’m back where I started,” JC said, finishing the last of his latest drink. “No kid, no girl and no idea what the hell to do next.”

“You left the house this time. You reached out. That’s a start,” Joey told him, moving to refill JC’s cup.

“A little lighter on the Jack this time, Joey. I don’t think I’m recovered from last week’s hang over as of yet,” JC joked.

“What do you want, JC?” Chris asked him.

“I want to stop feeling like shit,” he replied quickly. “I don’t know how to feel good enough again but I’m tired of feeling like I’m not.”

“And zat is vhat we call a breakthrough in ze medical profession!” Joey exclaimed with a terrible German accent as he handed JC back his now filled cup.

“JC, that’s…that’s honestly good to hear. You’ve spent too long feeling…unworthy. Please know we’re here to help anyway we can,” Chris told his friend.

“Well, letting me crash for a few days and coming to spend some time is a huge help right now,” JC told both of them.

“Good timing on the breakdown, I don’t have the kiddo this week,” Joey informed him. 

“What about the adult kiddo?” Chris asked.

“See the word adult in that sentence,” Joey stated. “She flips between me and Kelly at this point, dependent on which one of us she’s mad at. She knows you guys are here so doubt we’ll see her.”

JC got up from the table and plopped down on the couch. “So, any sage words of advice on what I should do?”

“Write,” Joey and Chris said in unison. JC narrowed his eyes at them.

“Seriously C,” Chris said, sitting down next to him, “getting your thoughts out in general is good for you but you know how to turn your pain into art.”

“A lot of good that did me last time,” JC sulked.

“Just because the album didn’t get released doesn’t mean people didn’t hear those songs,” Joey corrected him.

“Thanks but not actually what I meant,” JC told him. “I mean, I tried to exorcise all my hurt about Eva into music and I thought I had. I thought I was over her. Clearly I’m not, even after all this time.”

“JC, if she walked in here right now and begged you to get back together, would you do it?” Chris asked him.

“I…” JC started then paused to really think about it. “There would be a lot of factors to consider but…no, I don’t think I would.”

“Then you are over her but not over the pain she inflicted on you,” Chris surmised.

“Damn, that was pretty insightful,” Joey stated, impressed.

“You guys always forget I was a Psych major,” Chris chuckled.

“No, I just always forget you even went to college,” Joey teased then turned his attention back to JC. “What you need to do is get all the fucked up shit that she said to you out of your head once and for all. You need like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind shit.”

“Joey, did you actually see that movie?” JC asked. 

“No but he, like, gets his memories of her erased and her hair changes different color a lot. You get my jist,” Joey explained.

“The movie ends with them not remembering each other but still being drawn to one another,” JC told him. “Basically saying attempting to wipe someone from your brain is never going to work.”

“Well, you need some kind of magical mind eraser then,” Joey said. “That or find a way to put her lies behind you and actually believe the good things in life.”

“Joey might actually be on to something,” Chris thought out loud.

“Really?!” JC and Joey both questioned him.

“Yeah. The hateful shit Eva said is sadly always going to be there but it just needs to be quieted down so more positive, and truthful things can be your focus,” Chris explained.

“You can’t give him a lobotomy,” Joey said, wrapping his arms around JC’s head. “He’s the one with all the writing talent.”

JC laughed and pushed Joey off of him and Chris held up his middle finger. “No lobotomy but I think I have an idea though,” Chris said tentatively, almost unsure if he wanted to voice it.

“What? Are you planning on having me committed?” JC asked, picking up on the tone in Chris’s voice. “I mean, it’s probably not the worst idea given how I’ve been handling all this.”

“Nothing quite that extreme but…” the corner of Chris’s mouth turned up as he spun his index finger around in front of JC’s face.

It took JC a moment to realize what Chris was indicating. “Wait, no!” JC protested, standing up quickly from the couch. “That’s not…I couldn’t…no, Chris. Bad idea.”

“You got a better one?” Chris shrugged.

“What am I missing?” Joey asked.

“I don’t want you rooting around in my brain, Chris,” JC shuddered.

“I didn’t say anything about me,” Chris pointed out, “but also good call. I’d make you fuck a mailbox for my own enjoyment.”

“Literally not even funny,” JC scowled.

“Ok, I’m sorry about the last part but honestly, what could it hurt? You gonna get more screwed up? Highly unlikely,” Chris protested.

“Can someone please fill me in?” Joey asked again.

JC sighed heavily. “Chris, I get where you’re coming from but you…you haven’t seen Colleen when she’s…Chris, it’s too weird.”

“I’m not suggesting anything quite as…intimate. Think of it like meditation 2.0. You can try it yourself and see if it helps at all. If it does, tell your therapist when they get back from vacation and go from there.”

“How about I just go the Stuart Smalley method and give myself daily affirmations each morning?”

“Not a bad idea but I think you’re past the point of that being all you need. I’m just asking you to consider it. Take the sex part out of the equation. You said it helps Colleen sleep better and is a way to manage her stress. Seems like a good place to start right now.”

“Ok, now I definitely need to know what is going on!” Joey vehemently protested.

“Notice how I left that detail out of the story,” JC said to Chris.

“Notice how I completely didn’t notice,” Chris said back.

JC turned to Joey. “Colleen gets off on being hypnotized. Don’t ask me any questions, I don’t feel like talking about it.”

Joey turned his head from JC to Chris, who just shrugged his shoulders, then back to JC. “Hold on, are you trying to tell me her kink is obeying everything you tell her without question?”

“Well, when you put it like that, that’s kind of my kink too,” JC laughed softly, scratching the back of his neck.

Joey quickly lunged at JC and grabbed him by the shirt collar. “Wife this woman immediately! I don’t care what you have to do or promise or cut off of your body as a sacrifice but fucking fix this!”

“Jesus Joey,” JC laughed, pulling Joey’s hands off of him. “I’m trying, ok? But that’s not the sole reason I’m trying.”

“You’ve got an automatic dick sucking machine as a girlfriend and she likes it! She’s like, “Please Master, let me suck your dick then cook you dinner then suck your dick some more.” I mean, God, that’s the dream!”

“Remind me never to be in your dreams,” JC shook his head, “and don’t call her a dick sucking machine, it’s degrading.”

“Can you snap your fingers and make her suck your dick?” Joey questioned enthusiastically.

“It may have happened a time or two,” JC sheepishly admitted. Joey threw his hands up to indicate “I told you so!”

“Ok, that’s pretty cool,” Chris added.

“Wait!” Joey got an idea. “Can’t you just hypnotize her to forget what happened? I mean, still work out your shit but then you don’t have to worry about the relationship part for a bit.”

“First of all, that would never work. Second of all, I’m nowhere near skilled enough to try and third, that’s ridiculously unethical,” JC informed him.

“I mean, it was worth a shot,” Joey shrugged.

“Anyways,” Chris spoke, trying to regain control of the conversation, “ever since you told me, I’ve picked up a few books on the subject. Mostly self-help but practicum and such are in there too. I brought some if you want to check them out. I mean, if you already know the methods on how to hypnotize Colleen it would be pretty easy to do it to yourself.”

“You tried it?” JC questioned him skeptically.

“I did, actually,” Chris replied. “Like I said, it reminds me more of meditation. I don’t think it changed my way of thinking per say but I have been more able to calm down quicker when I get pissed off cuz of it.”

Joey stepped over to Chris and snapped his fingers. “Bark like a dog,” he commanded.

Chris grabbed Joey’s hand and sunk his teeth into Joey’s forearm, making Joey scream. Chris let go and pretended to look dazed. “Huh? You said bite like a dog, right? You gotta learn to annunciate.” Joey smacked Chris in the back of the head.

“Glad to see some things never change,” JC laughed at his friends.

The next morning found JC sitting out on Joey’s patio, sipping his coffee and reading one of the books Chris had suggested. Despite the time difference for him, he was still the first one up as he hadn’t been getting the best sleep the past few days. Maybe Chris was onto something if this could help him get through the night better.

JC’s phone lit up and he almost choked on his coffee in surprise. “Good Morning, Mistress,” JC quickly answered.

“Good Morning, Joshua. Thought I’d check in on you on my drive home. How are you doing?”

“Day by day, Mistress. I appreciate the call.”

“Well, you should have called me in the first place.”

“I…I know, Mistress. I am sorry but I promised I wouldn’t use those methods again and calling you was too much of a temptation for that to happen. However, you are right, I should have called and figured out another course of action with us.”

Mistress Raina sighed. “Joshua, I’m worried about you.”

“I’m sorry to have made you worry, Mistress.”

“Drop the protocol for a second and just talk to me. How are you?”

JC thought back to his last true heart to heart with Mistress Raina the night he came back to see her after everything with Julie…the night he first laid eyes on Colleen. “I’m, you know, I’m pretty fucked up, actually,” JC gave a small laugh, “but I think I’m gonna try to really work on it this time. Too much shit from too long ago is still affecting me and I gotta figure out what to do about it.”

“That’s good to hear, Joshua,” Mistress Raina praised him as JC could hear the approval in her voice. “I’ve tried my best but I’m no mental health professional. Take all the time you need.”

“Thank you, Mistress. I’m trying to get some ideas together for when my therapist comes back into town then I guess go from there.”

“What are you going to do about Colleen?”

“I don’t think there’s much I can do, Mistress. She won’t speak to me. The best I can do is work on myself and hope that’s enough.”

“At least she didn’t light you up on Instagram like Kathryn did.”

“Colleen…she wouldn’t do that. Not only is it not her style but she knows fans read everything. I did enough to make her break up with me but hopefully not publicly destroy me.”

“I’ve texted her a few times. She seems to be at a crossroads as well.”

“That’s good news for me, I suppose. Maybe she’ll at least hear me out at some point.”

“Perhaps.”

The line was silent for a moment as JC prepared himself for his next question. “Do you think it’s worth it, Mistress? To try again?”

“That’s a very open ended question, Joshua. Simply put, yes, it’s always good to keep trying. How did your band become so successful? Because you never stopped trying and taking the opportunities that presented themselves. You stopped trying long ago. Yes you wrote songs and dated and what not but you lost the spark within yourself. I hate that this happened but if this is the thing that’s gonna knock some sense into you, then it may have been worth it.”

“Even if it cost me Colleen?”

“Yes, even if it did. I know you love her but you haven’t loved yourself in far too long. If you can do that, everything else will start to fall into place. Whether that means Colleen being in your life is yet to be determined but you’ll be a better partner for her if she is and you’ll be strong enough to move on if she isn’t.”

“Ok,” JC said softly, “I’ll try.”

“Joshua, let me be very clear. That’s not a command, it’s simply me being concerned for your well-being, just like everyone else is. Do what is best for you.”

“Understood, Mistress,” JC smiled slightly.

“So what is best for you right now? You said you wanted to have some ideas when you see your therapist. I know you’re in Florida with friends but what else?”

“Right now, just relaxing, thinking things through. My friend suggested self-hypnosis as a way for me to clear my head, how hilarious is that?”

“Pretty funny, I must say. You gonna try it?”

“Debating. I don’t think it would hurt to try but obviously it’s going to make me think about Colleen a lot. I mean, obviously I know it has practical purposes but when all I’ve experienced with it is sex and obedience for the past year, hard to separate that part of the equation out.”

“Don’t worry, Joshua. I’m still the only person you’ll ever truly obey,” Mistress Raina smirked.

“Yes Mistress,” JC breathed out, his body relaxing yet his cock hardening at the same time.

“No playtime right now,” Mistress Raina informed him. “Take care of you first. You know where I’ll be.”

“I do, thank you.”

“Joshua…I love you. I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you too, Mistress,” JC said before Mistress Raina ended the call. JC let out a long breath. They’d never once uttered “I love you” to the other, even after all their years together. It was reassuring to hear and to reciprocate but it wasn’t romantic. He didn’t doubt it was love but he could already tell it was different then what he felt for Colleen.

“That really the best idea right now?”

“Jesus,” JC gasped as he turned to Joey standing at the sliding glass door, coffee mug in hand. “Warn a guy next time.”

“Didn’t want to interrupt your professions of love to your whip handler,” Joey said pointedly, taking a seat.

JC sighed and sat back, crossing his legs and grabbing his own mug. “Just say what you want to say, Joey. I can handle it.”

“I don’t know that you can,” Joey said sincerely, wanting to talk with JC but concerned about getting him too upset considering what landed him at his house in the first place.

“I’m going to have to start having these conversations at some point, you’re probably the easiest to start with.”

Joey rubbed a hand over his face, half trying to wake himself up and half preparing himself for a fight. “How can you sit here and tell another woman you love her when your girlfriend is back home devastated that you cheated on her…with a different woman?!”

“Wow,” JC reacted, “not the easiest.” JC shifted in his chair uneasily. “It’s complicated.”

“Yeah, I’ve been hearing that for years from you and I’ve let it be mostly. Everyone’s got their thing and this is yours. Fine but you finally found a girl who accepts you for you and you still need this chick?”

“Raina has been my stability for years. It’s more than sex, Joey.”

“Yeah, it’s love apparently.”

“I do love her but I’m not in love with her. I can’t date her or anything nor do I really want to but you can’t have a relationship with someone for twenty years and not develop feelings.”

“I…I get that but…” Joey paused, trying to find the best way he could phrase what he wanted to say. “Ok, you’ve told me Colleen is ok with Raina so let’s go with that for the moment. You think she’d be ok with that conversation?”

“I do, actually. She knows my feelings, she knows Raina’s feelings, she knew about our relationship from the onset. She still has Piper, remember?”

“Does she love Piper?”

“I don’t know…I don’t think so. She’s been debating ending things with her.”

“Because of you?” JC nodded his head at Joey’s question. “Yet you can’t do the same for her?”

“I never told her to leave Piper. In fact, I think it’s a terrible idea, especially considering what’s going on now.”

“You wanted her to keep her safety net, just like you do.”

JC shut his eyes and breathed deep a few times. He was forcing himself to stay and have this conversation instead of running like he normally did. “Yeah. Raina is my safety net and I’m not ready to give it up. It’s selfish but Colleen…she’s the only woman who’s ever understood. She’s never once made me choose.”

“And everyone else has?”

“No, Eva didn’t either.”

“JC, you have got to stop comparing Colleen to Eva.”

“How can I not?” JC started to well up. “I gave Eva everything. My love, my time, my money, my fucking soul. I gave her all I could and then some and it still wasn’t enough. It all got returned irreparably damaged and I’ve been trying to live with the wreckage ever since. How can I put myself in that situation again? How can I even give Colleen the love she deserves?”

Joey didn’t know what to say so he got up and wrapped his friend in a giant hug, letting him cry and at least temporarily get some of that pent up hurt out of him. Joey had been watching JC pull away from so many things over the years but he was finally seeing how lost he truly was. He pulled back and looked his friend in the face. “So that’s what you’ve been doing all these years, huh? Hurt them before they could hurt you?”

JC nodded but continued. “I didn’t intend to cheat on Colleen. I was so happy with her and, yeah, it was scary, really scary. I freaked out seeing Julie with Heather, everything that could’ve been and everything that won’t be. I just wanted to get away. I purposely picked a place I thought I could get silently wasted in but then those ladies came in and…Joey, she looked so much like Eva and I just thought…I just thought if I could fix things with her, I could finally put it behind me and be with Colleen.”

Joey sighed, sympathizing with JC yet still not fully understanding his rationale. “You know what I love and hate about you? You don’t half ass anything. Things either get your full effort and passion or they get nothing at all; there’s no in between with you. It’s impressive and infuriating all at the same time. I wish you could see that not perfect doesn’t equal shit. There can be a middle ground, a balance.”

“There is that damn word again!” JC couldn’t help but laugh.

“If you keep hearing it and keep ignoring it, maybe that’s a sign to do something about it.”

“I’ve been trying, Joe. I can’t figure it out.”

“You think this whatever the hell Chris suggested could help?” Joey asked, gesturing at the book JC was reading that now lay in his lap.

“I don’t know. It helps Colleen a lot, that’s certainly evident.”

“Then why don’t we give it a shot?”

“What’s this we business?” JC asked skeptically.