The next morning found the three men sitting on the grass in Joey’s backyard. “Couldn’t we be doing this on the couch? Or the bed? Or inside anywhere out of the Florida heat?” Joey protested.

“Stop whining,” Chris chided him. “It would do you good to breathe some fresh air.”

“What’s this supposed to do anyways?” JC asked as Chris started up a video on his phone.

“You said you needed balance so I found a guided meditation video on YouTube on it. It’s only fifteen minutes, I think we’ll all survive,” Chris explained.

“That or we’re gonna end up drooling slaves to some internet prowler who will take all our money,” Joey offered. “Jokes on them, my ex wife gets it all.”

“Then let’s hope the sinister mind behind the calming video is an *NSYNC fan,” Chris replied. “They’ll be much nicer about the money part and probably just make us sing.”

The meditation started slow, with instructions to get comfortable and shut their eyes. JC was used to this but could hear Joey to his right struggling to get comfortable. JC started to relax as the woman’s voice reminded him that it was ok to let go of his worries and responsibilities for just a little while.

The woman asked them to envision walking through a lush green forest, smelling the flowers, noticing the animals running about, feeling the sun reach them through the trees. JC remembered a trip out to Shenandoah he’d taken with his family as a kid and found himself reliving the memory, running along the trails, making sure to outpace Tyler and Heather, the faint sound of his mother’s voice yelling after them to be careful. A long ago time when that was his only concern in the world, just having fun.

Next, he was asked to focus on his own breath and the stillness he could create even while so much was going on around him. The young Josh in his mind was now alone in a clearing, having lost his siblings somewhere but he wasn’t scared he was by himself. His eyes scanned his surroundings and took in the kaleidoscope of colors and sounds but he didn’t move a muscle, just letting them exist and be.

“Creating balance begins in silence and stillness when we listen to our minds, bodies and hearts and we become aware of our deeper motivations, desires and needs,” the voice stated. “If we can focus on these feelings for a little while, we can not only give them the attention they deserve to be processed successfully but set forth into the hustle and bustle of our lives with clear intentions and goals.”

The woman went on to describe a Swedish word, lagom, which she explained meant “not too little, not too much…the quality of being sufficient, adequate, just right.” JC felt a smile rise on his face as he couldn’t help thinking of Goldilocks and The Three Bears. In his mind, a brown bear cub ran out of the forest, stopping and being as perfectly still as Josh when he saw him.

The rest of the meditation went on to describe the importance of balance between work and play, exertion and rest, busyness and quietness. It wasn’t exactly the balance JC was currently fighting with himself to find, but it was a start. As the recording ended, JC felt calmer as he blinked his eyes open, Joey’s backyard now emitting that same kaleidoscope of colors in JC’s mind.

“How you feeling?” Chris quietly asked. 

“Good,” JC stretched. “That was, I mean, I could visualize all the stuff she was saying so that’s gotta be something. Can you send me that link? Maybe she has some other stuff that might help.”

“Sure thing,” Chris said, grabbing his phone and texting it quickly to JC. It was only then the two became aware of the snoring to their right. They looked over to find Joey asleep, his head resting on his chest. “Should I steal his money?” Chris asked.

“Leave him alone,” JC laughed quietly as he stood up. “Doesn’t surprise me since he hasn’t had his coffee yet.” JC stared at his friend a moment longer and shook his head, remembering the times he used to be able to fall asleep anywhere. “I’m heading in, wanna write some stuff down while it’s still fresh. You good?”

“Yeah, I’ll watch Sleeping Beauty and make sure a bird doesn’t shit on him,” Chris replied.

“Hey Chris,” JC said before going in the house, “thanks, that was good to try. Thanks for all the help you’ve been with this…with everything.”

“Anytime, brother,” Chris smiled back. Once JC was inside, Chris slowly crawled over to Joey and whispered in his ear. “You are in the mood for steak tonight. A rich, delicious porterhouse. You want to grill some up and share with your friends.” Chris quickly felt the back of Joey’s hand against his cheek as he rolled onto the grass, looking up and seeing Joey in the same sleeping position, though no longer snoring. “Jackass,” Chris muttered, rubbing his cheek.

“Ok ok ok, but here’s the part I don’t get,” Joey asked later that night as he sat back in his lawn chair after pouring his fifth Jack & Coke. “Like, could you make her blow me?”

“Only if she already wanted to,” JC answered lazily from his own chair. He was drunk and loose, knowing already he’d sleep like the dead tonight. He was hanging with his friends and talking about stupid shit just like the old days, barely a care in the world.

“Colleen’s an *NSYNC fan, pretty sure that means she’s thought of my dick in her mouth a few times,” Joey laughed.

“It’s not enough you’re fucking her friend?” Chris asked him.

“Sara’s fine but there’s something about being able to do whatever you want without asking permission that’s kind of hot,” Joey confessed.

“No, there’s permission, Joey,” JC said, sitting up. “We talk about stuff before we do it cuz it’s much harder to work it out during.”

“Yeah, hard to talk when you’re in a mental coma,” Joey laughed again.

“Shut up,” JC swatted at his friend. “She’s not…well, hmmm…” JC pondered Joey’s phrasing then pulled out his phone and started typing.

“And we’re writing!” Chris held up his cup in triumph.

“So, you understand any of this?” Joey turned to ask Chris.

“I don’t get how it’s a fetish but I also don’t get how people sitting on cakes is a fetish. People like what they like and if it’s not hurting anybody, who cares? If they got a partner who’s into it or understanding or what not, more power to them.”

“So what’s your fetish?” Joey asked his friend.

“I don’t know,” Chris sipped his drink. “I wouldn’t say I have one particular “thing”. I mean, I think of it like when I look at porn. That’s my time to get off to whatever I want with no judgment but it’s not like I have key words or phrases I look for. I just scroll until I find something I like…a wet blowjob though is pretty good. Get that right in the AirPods…” Chris made the “chef’s kiss” motion with his fingers.

“Is liking big tits a fetish cuz if it is, I have that,” Joey offered.

“I think only once they get to, like, a certain size, maybe?” Chris thought out loud. “If you could possibly be smothered, that’s probably a fetish. Do you want to be smothered?”

“I feel like no?” Joey was trying to decide. “I wanna stick my face in there but I want to still be able to breathe.”

Chris took out his phone and started googling. “What if you tied them up?” Chris asked, showing him a picture of a woman with ropes tied around her breasts.

“That just looks painful…and time consuming.”

“Do you want them to lactate? That’s definitely a fetish.”

“No! Though when Kelly was breastfeeding…I mean, you get it, you gotta try once, right?”

“When else are you gonna get to try?” Chris confirmed. “Then you start thinking like DeNiro in Meet The Parents. I have nipples, how come they don’t produce milk?” Chris pulled up his t-shirt to examine his nipples. Joey, in turn, did the same.

“What in the hell are you two doing?” JC asked as he rejoined the conversation.

“You ever wonder how nipples work?” Chris asked him, still staring at his chest.

“Never really gave it much thought,” JC said, looking from one friend to the other. “All these years later and I still can’t leave you two unsupervised.”

“Sorry, we’re trying to figure out Joey’s fetish,” Chris informed him, lowering his shirt back down.

“Women. Women are Joey’s fetish,” JC stated bluntly.

“How’d you figure it out?” Joey asked. “I mean, did you know before stuff with Raina or…?”

“I had done some different things by then, especially with Bobbie, but Raina just hit the right chord. I always liked pleasing the woman I was with, I just didn’t know how deep that well ran until she came along. Colleen has said she always just knew, even if she didn’t understand her interest to be a fetish until later. My point is, it’s different for everyone.”

“I think that’s, I don’t know, it’s cool you know that about yourself,” Joey said. “That you have someone to share that with.”

“Had, Joey,” JC corrected him. “I had someone.”

“Not this again,” Chris rolled his eyes. “C, we don’t know that yet. Just give her some space to breathe.”

“Chris, I can’t expect her to come back. It’s not only about what I’ve just done but about the mess I am. It’s not fair to her to deal with it and I…I gotta start getting my shit straight before I can even try again with her. I don’t know how long that’s gonna take.”

“There’s never going to be a magic day where suddenly everything is fixed and you get to live happily ever after,” Chris told him, “but there will be good days when it doesn’t hurt so much. There will still be bad days too but the key is to know how to deal with them. Colleen is there to support you, not hold you all the way up.”

“I feel like I’m too much work,” JC lamented.

“You are, but we love you despite it,” Joey smiled. JC cut him a look. “Life isn’t easy, even for people who supposedly “have it all” like us. Everybody struggles with something. The important thing is you’re finally seeing it and addressing it. I’m honestly really proud of you.”

“Don’t be too proud yet, let’s see how I make out,” JC gave a small laugh.

“Well, we aren’t qualified to give you medical therapy but how about some music therapy?” Chris said, standing up and going into the house. A few moments later, he emerged with an acoustic guitar.

“I thought all your signed ones were in storage,” JC asked Joey as Chris handed him the guitar.

“They are. I got Matt to lend it to me in case you needed it,” Joey said. JC propped the guitar up on his knee and felt the strings against his slightly calloused fingertips, realizing it had been too long since he’d picked up the instrument. He carefully listened and tuned the guitar before turning to his band mates with a huge smile. “So, what do we sing?”