Another two weeks passed before JC and Colleen found themselves face to face at the same table where their relationship had truly started in the first place. However, it wasn’t how either of them had intended it.

*****

J: At least let me take you out for dinner for your birthday.

JC: Justin, I’m good, I swear but I’m not really in the mood to celebrate this year.

J: Then don’t think of it for your birthday. You’ve been trying to get out more so, please, let me treat.

JC: Fine but just dinner.

J: C, I’m not really in a party mood either. Let’s just have a few hours to commiserate together.

JC: Things still rough?

J: Understatement. Well I mean, honestly Jess and I are making some headway but my therapist and I kinda stumbled on a hang up I’m trying to figure out how to deal with.

JC: Sorry man but glad you’re addressing it. I’m here if you wanna share.

J: Yeah, I’d like that. Sushi?

JC: I know a spot.

*****

C: Justin, I appreciate the invitation but aren’t you forgetting the absolute firestorm that would erupt if you were seen out with another woman?

J: The public doesn’t know the situation with JC and thinks everything is fine. 

C: Oh no, the rumors are swirling. Matthew’s been lurking to report back the chatter.

J: You act like you wouldn’t have been right there adding your own theories if you weren’t the woman they are about.

C: I admit it, I’d be Nancy Drew-ing the hell out of it. Luckily since we don’t post much, people are mostly taking it as a joke but there are still some people convinced he cheated again.

J: Just ignore them. I do when people post shit they don’t know anything about.

C: Yeah but in our case, they’re right. I’m obviously not gonna confirm it or anything though.

J: So, let’s use that to our advantage. If we get spotted, I’m just trying to smooth over a situation and help my friend out.

C: Or are trying to move in on his girl.

J: Why would you say that?

C: The public is going to say it and you don’t need more undo negativity thrown at you.

J: Oh ok well what if we just said that we got together to help plan a birthday surprise for JC and now it’s ruined because we got caught?

C: That would actually probably work.

J: So you’re in?

C: You won’t leave me alone until I say yes, will you?

J: Nope!

C: Fine.

J: Awesome. I just heard about this sushi place I wanted to try.

*****

“If you want to go, I understand,” JC said as the couple sat awkwardly.

“No,” Colleen sighed heavily. “We gotta talk eventually.”

“Sorry I’m not more dressed up.”

“I think you’re actually fancier than the last time we were here. A plain t with no logo is a step up.”

“You look lovely, as always.”

Colleen raised her menu to hide her face, blushing at the compliment despite herself and not wanting JC to see. She then put her menu down in a huff. “I’m not ready to do this.”

“I understand.”

“Then why did you plan this with Justin?”

“No no, wait. I did not plan this with him. He said he wanted to take me out for my birthday. I thought I was meeting him, I swear.”

Colleen put her head in her hands and took a few deep breaths. “I don’t want to do this in public,” she whispered, trying hard to keep it together.

“I have an idea,” JC said, pulling out his keys. “There’s a blanket in the back of my jeep. Why don’t you tell me what you want to eat and I’ll have them pack it up to go and we sit on the beach and talk? You can leave whenever you want if it gets too much.”

After a few moments consideration, Colleen held out her hand. “Ok,” she said as she took JC’s keys. She told him her order and left to get the blanket. It was still hot as the sun slowly descended to meet the ocean but Colleen wrapped the blanket around herself nonetheless. She inhaled and could smell JC embedded in the fibers of the fabric and began to cry. She plopped herself down in the same spot they had had their first heart to heart conversation and wept more at the remembrance of how exciting and promising that first night had been juxtaposed with why she sat there now.

About fifteen minutes later, JC carefully approached. “I got a bottle of wine but they didn’t have to go cups so I had to get the plastic kiddie ones but at least there’s a lid,” he handed her a small cup with a cartoon fish emblazoned on it and a straw. “I figured you’d prefer Terri the Tuna over Marcie the Mackerel.”

Colleen couldn’t help but laugh as she stood up and unwrapped herself from the blanket so they could both lay on it. She pulled her knees into her chest and stared out into the ocean once more. “I hate this, Josh.”

JC paused sorting out their order when he heard her continuing to use his proper name, just like she had promised back on Justin’s driveway. “I know, Babe.”

“No, you don’t,” she insisted. “This isn’t like me. I move on, I cope. I let my anger and frustration out in different ways or I…I don’t wallow or sulk. I don’t let it affect me and this….you…it does.”

“What can I do?”

“The damage is done. All we can do is move on.”

“Can’t we move on together?” JC asked. Colleen turned to look at him then quickly looked away again, putting her head on her knees and facing away from him. “Could you tell me how you’re feeling?”

“Conflicted. So much of me wants to just turn and kiss you and never let go but I would hate myself for making it that easy.”

“Because it shouldn’t get glossed over or because you want me to suffer?” JC tried to joke.

“Both,” Colleen answered honestly then forced herself to look at him again. “I want to hurt you, Josh. I want you to understand, to feel the way I’m feeling right now. The problem is you do know. Not from this but from before, with Eva. I can be vindictive but not cruel. I can’t bring myself to pile onto it, especially when you’re finally addressing it. Nothing she said is true and I feel like…I feel like if I did something mean I’d be reinforcing her lies so I’m just…I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m doing.

All JC wanted to do was pull Colleen into his arms and comfort her but he thought that might do more harm than good. “Would it help if you told me? What you’d do if you could?”

Colleen blinked tears out of her eyes at JC’s question. “You want me to tell you how I would fuck up your world if I could?”

“Yeah, why not? We’ve told each other some of our deepest innermost thoughts in this exact spot. Let’s carry on the tradition and just be honest, no matter how ugly it is.”

JC watched as a fire began to blaze behind Colleen’s eyes and he gulped at what was about to be unleashed on him. “You know what I want? I want to take you to Raina’s and tie you up the same way she had you that first time. However, instead of teasing you, I’d force you to watch me fuck someone else, just like I watched you kiss that woman, just like I watched you kiss Raina, but much much worse.”

“Who? Who would it be?” he asked, already knowing the answer but wanting her to get it all out.

“Justin,” she said low. “You know in your soul that while he deserves every career opportunity and success he’s gotten, that you deserved it too. Yet you keep telling yourself you don’t, so, what’s more devastating than watching the guy yet again get the thing you want?”

JC swallowed hard. Hearing that stung harder than he’d imagined, mostly because he realized how well she did truly know him. The image she spoke of conjured in his head and he fought hard to push it out. She knew where to cut him the deepest and that was an almost frightening thing.

“That make you feel better? To say it?” JC asked, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice.

“Not really,” Colleen frowned. “I want to hurt you solely because you hurt me but I love you so I don’t actually want to do it. I can tell you’re upset even with what I said and I feel bad but I don’t want to feel bad because you fucking deserve it and now I’m angry that I feel bad.” Colleen paused and shook her head. “Don’t worry, I’m going to therapy too now. Piper recommended someone.”

“Do you think it’s helping?”

“I don’t know, I’ve only been three times thus far. We’re still in the stages of grief bullshit.”

“Why didn’t you try to get back at me the last time we fought?”

“Because it was a fight, Josh. Those happen in relationships and…you know, I took a calculated risk telling you how I felt and it didn’t work out at the time. I was mad at your reaction and mad that you thought the relationship couldn’t continue but you didn’t intentionally hurt me. You just said how you felt…strongly.”

“I didn’t intend to hurt you this time either.” Colleen shot JC a look. “I’m aware I did, however. Just stating, being with someone else that night was never my goal.”

Colleen grimaced. “I knew you’d cheat, I just knew, yet I kept telling myself I was crazy to think it. I’ve spent so much of this relationship feeling like it would be the last day we’d be together that I wanted to squeeze every last drop out until the well ran dry. I fell in love along the way though and…I did expect this to hurt so bad.”

“Colleen, I’m so incredibly sorry,” JC told her sincerely, every word out of her mouth slicing at him further. He listened and took it in but he didn’t absorb it into his DNA as he normally would, instead taking responsibility for his actions instead of blaming them on his past experiences.

“I know you didn’t mean to but you did. If I just up and forgive you, I’m compromising the woman I am. I’m also not one to make you jump through hoops to earn back my affection so I don’t know where that really leaves us.”

“Other relationships, when the guy would fuck up, what did they do to gain back your trust?”

“They didn’t, Josh. There has never been a time I got back with someone who disrespected me.”

“Fuck,” JC breathed and ran a hand through his hair. “I get that, I do. It’s…that’s fair.”

Colleen reached over and grabbed JC’s hand. “I’m here though, aren’t I?”

“You got tricked into being here.”

“I stayed, didn’t I?” she corrected herself. “Josh, this is super uncharted territory for me and I am truly at a loss on what to do here.”

“Would it be ok if I did my best to explain? Not just about Vegas but everything…everything that’s been going on in my head for, well, for a very long time.”

“I think that would be a good place to start,” Colleen told him. JC smiled and poured Colleen some wine as they settled in.

The sun slowly set and the moonlight enveloped them as JC did his best to cover what daily struggles he dealt with and where they came from. He went through the debacle with Jive, his attempts at a movie career, the failure of his girl group and his desire to move behind the scenes. He spoke about his relationships going all the way back to Nikki, through his troubles with Bobbie and his ultimate defining heartbreak with Eva and how that shaped his view on his relationships and of himself ever since. 

Colleen listened intently and watched as JC relived some truly painful memories in his attempt to explain the inner workings of his brain. She sympathized with why he hadn’t wanted to share these stories before but they were an immeasurable asset for her to know now.

He finished up by explaining all he went on with Julie and how he honestly still was grappling with seeing Heather and why he spun out like he did. “I know it’s a cliche but something really clicked when you left,” JC finally told her. “I’d laid on that bed feeling miserable so many times and I realized how tired I was of doing it. I didn’t have anyone to blame but myself for it and how I’ve handled things up until then. I want to start living life again instead of just surviving it.”

“That’s really great, Josh,” Colleen gave him a small smile. “I’m glad you’re finally starting to see what other people see.”

“It’s honestly overwhelming at times. I know why I feel the way I feel but having to confront and address the root of it all…it’s a lot.”

“I read somewhere recently that emotions that get buried alive never die and that…it made a lot of sense.”

“Yeah that…that about sums it up,” JC stated.

“I, um…” Colleen hesitated. “We all have trauma, Josh, and it’s all different and all unique to ourselves. I thought I understood yours and maybe on the surface I did but I told myself it was enough to not bring it up. I also used it as an excuse to never really tell you about my past relationships and I think I should, so you understand why this is so hard for me.”

“Whatever you feel comfortable sharing,” JC encouraged her.

Colleen proceeded to painstakingly detail her previous relationships and the effects on her self-worth moving forward. She had taken the opposite approach of JC after her law school boyfriend Rick cheated on her. She hated the way his actions hurt her and pushed past the pain in her eyes but in reality, it all turned to anger. If a man wanted to end things in a mature way, she’d snip the chord and move on, no matter how she felt about the relationship. However, when they wanted to be deceitful, like her ex and his engagement ring for another woman, they had to pay.

“The dude knocked up his boss?!” JC asked in disbelief as Colleen provided yet another misguided relationship tale to him.

“Yep, all those late night’s working overtime were bullshit but I had just started my current job so I didn’t catch on right away.”

“What did you do?”

“I confronted him and he denied it then of course called me a crazy bitch and broke up with me.”

“Something tells me that’s not where the story ends.”

“If it had just been that, maybe…maybe but then it came to light he’d been cheating with multiple women the entire year and a half relationship. This is back in the Craigslist days and that’s where he was finding some of these women so I catfished him before that was even a word. I made up the perfect woman for him and got him to spill the beans on everything, including what he thought of me.”

“Dare I ask?”

“Same story: I was too busy to fulfill his needs. The kicker, however, was that because I was working like crazy to impress at the new job, I’d cut back on working out and wasn’t eating great. He said he wasn’t attracted to me because I’d gained some weight but stayed with me cuz I gave good head.”

“Seriously? What a jackass. I’m not feeling any sympathy for this guy.”

“Once he was totally hooked, I set up a date and took in every ounce of horror on his face as I sat down and he realized it had been me the whole time. That’s how I deal with being hurt. It’s not mature, it’s not right but it’s what I do. I can’t do that in this situation, nor do I want to.”

“Why not? Pull a Kathryn and tell the world what I did,” JC said, thinking back to how he’d told Raina that Colleen would never do that to him and realizing how wrong he was.

“What does that do? Your fans already know you’ve cheated on girlfriends and some of them suspect that’s what’s happening right now. All I’d be doing is confirming something they already know in general about you. You’d ignore it and it would go away once again. Plus, these guys, they didn’t feel bad about what they did. You do. That means something.”

“Have you ever cheated in a relationship?”

“Not once. I don’t see the point in dragging out something I know isn’t working.”

“Wish I could have done that. When I was younger, when the band was starting to blow up…I truly have forgiven myself for giving in to these girls that would literally throw themselves at me. It was a huge ego boost but I shouldn’t have been in a relationship at the time and I’m very fortunate Nikki understood and forgave me.”

“But she didn’t take you back?”

“No, she didn’t and she was right not to. I would have done it again at that age. As I got older, I don’t know, maybe it was the same thing as you but a different manifestation of it. I didn’t intend to hurt anyone but when I got caught, I’d just shrug it off, like it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe I wanted them to understand some of the pain I felt every day.” JC took out his phone and made a note. “Sorry, I wanna jot that down to talk about at therapy next.”

“So this time you’re taking accountability for your actions. Why now? Why me?”

“A lot of reasons. I’m not in my twenties or even my thirties anymore. If I keep going like this, I’m going to continue to be miserable and alone and you…you made me see how much I don’t want that type of future. I want one filled with music and laughter and a partner to share it all with.”

“Josh, do not do this for me.”

“I promise I’m not but you made me realize that I want to do it for me. I’m not going to lie, I hope it’s enough for you to consider giving me another chance. If it’s not, I understand and I’m trying to ensure I come out the other end more stable and secure then I went in. My heart can’t take another breakdown.”

“So tell me, what are you doing? I mean, Justin tells me stuff but I’d like to hear it from you.”

“Right now, it’s a lot of trial and error. Lately, I’ve been trying to start the day off with some yoga or meditation or…ok, you’re gonna laugh.”

“What?”

“Chris talked me into trying self-hypnosis and my therapist approved so sometimes…that.”

“Are you kidding me?” Colleen couldn’t help but laugh. “Do you like it? I mean, is it helping?”

“I think so. I’ve just been trying to reinforce some positive messaging into my brain and it’s, you know, depends on the day but I find it to be helpful.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“Also, therapy, as you know but like, pretty intense. I’m trying really hard to tackle all this stuff head on and not shy away from it.”

“You know you can’t dive in and start solving everything, right?”

“I do but there’s a lot and it all intertwines. It’s been a weird balance of looking at a situation and seeing how it affects the whole. That’s why the meditation and the self-hypnosis have been helping, I believe. It gives me something positive to focus on and center myself with while I pull all this shit up into the air.”

“So you’re finally finding some balance?” Colleen raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I know,” JC laughed. “Slowly, very slowly. Oh, I started exercising a bit more and writing…lots and lots of writing. Not just songs but I took your advice and took up journaling again.”

“The song you wrote was really…it was beautiful. You should release it, truly.”

“Not that one, that one is only for you but maybe, I don’t know, I’m concentrating on writing for the band right now. With all that’s flowing out, we have enough material to do another recording session next month before the twins arrive.”

“You ready for that?”

“I don’t know. Michael asked me the same thing. I told my therapist I want to come up with some kind of…coping plan. There’s going to be a point where it just hits me and I need to know what to do when that happens. I never want to take away from anyone’s joy but I need to process my feelings in a better way.”

“I’m so proud of you for the steps you’re taking,” Colleen smiled at JC. “Even the Instagram was shocking because I know how hard that was.”

“Well, honestly, that is something I did for you. The most important thing was getting a message through to you and I didn’t care what kind of position it put me in to do it. It was kind of freeing to just go with my gut and do something fun and not worry how it would be taken by anyone else.”

“You gonna post more now?”

“Maybe…I miss interacting with fans but it’s still a bit awkward for me to show off my private life . I’m not Lance, I don’t want to come up with content. I just want to live my life and maybe I’ll try to share a bit more of it, but not right now.”

“I think that’s a healthy approach to take but the world will miss your campfire songs,” Colleen joked with him.

“Oh! That reminds me,” JC said, pulling back out his phone. “Chris threatened to post this but I convinced him not to.” JC handed his phone over to Colleen as a video started playing of JC and Joey sitting around a small fire and she assumed Chris filming as JC strummed the guitar and the trio sang at the top of their lungs.

I can’t drink you away

I’ve tried Jack, I’ve tried Jim

I’ve tried all of their friends

But I can’t drink you away

All these rocks, I can’t swim

Out of this skin I’m living in

Now tell me baby,

Don’t they make a medicine for heartbreak?

Tell me baby, oh yeah

Now don’t they make a medicine for heartbreak?

“Did you show this to Justin?” Colleen smiled as she handed JC’s phone back.

“Oh yeah, he kept texting the two of them to see how I was doing and Chris sent back that. They promised to keep me drunk but out of trouble and they certainly delivered.”

“Couldn’t have been that drunk since you didn’t try to fuck the neighbor or anything,” Colleen added spitefully then regretted it. “Sorry, that was a low blow.”

“I think you’re allowed to get a few in for the time being,” JC gave her a gentle smile to let her know he didn’t take any offense. “Do you have any idea where we go from here?”

“No,” Colleen shook her head. “I’m glad we talked but I need time to process it all. Never tell Justin this was helpful.”

“Cross my heart,” JC smiled as he made the motion with his hand. “Take all the time you need. Just know that no matter what you decide, I love you and I always will.”

“I love you too, Josh.” JC brushed a tear off Colleen’s cheek and looked at her solemnly, then moved his head closer. “No,” Colleen backed away. “I can’t, not yet, not…I just can’t.”

“It’s ok,” JC said quietly. “Sorry, it just felt like a moment.”

“I can’t believe I just said no to kissing you,” Colleen chuckled. “You really do have me all fucked up.”

JC cleaned up the remnants of their sushi and the now empty wine bottle as Colleen gathered up the blanket once again as they headed back to their cars. “Feels much different than last time,” JC admitted.

“Yeah…yeah it does,” Colleen stated as she looked down at the ground. “I’ll be in touch. I don’t know when but I’ll…I’ll let you know when I decide what I want to do, I guess.”

“I would really appreciate it but, as I said, take your time. I know I have a lot of shit to figure out and while I want you to know what’s going on, I don’t necessarily want to drag you into the whole mess either.”

“Text me progress reports, if you want, I guess.”

“I think I would, thank you.” The pair stood awkwardly across from one another. “Can you just shoot me a text to let me know you got home ok?”

“Yeah, you too, ok?”

“I will, I promise,” JC gave her a small smile. The two headed to their respective cars and pulled out of the parking lot, each turning a separate direction. Both their minds were whirling with the confessions that had been made and what they meant for the future. Could JC really pull himself out of the immense hole he’d dug himself in for years? Could Colleen learn to truly forgive someone who hurt her so badly?

JC: Thank you for tonight. I’m glad we both could talk. Try to sleep well.

Colleen stared at her phone as she entered her house. Of course JC knew she wasn’t sleeping well. Sure, Justin probably told him or he could see on her face but it was more likely that he knew her that well. It was supposed to be a few dates and great sex with her crush; she hadn’t planned on falling in love but, by no surprise, JC made it far too easy for it to happen.

C: You too. Gonna watch some tv then head to bed.

After changing clothes, Colleen sat on her couch and started flipping through channels, wanting a respite from all the emotions and thoughts going on inside her for the time being. She came across HBO2 as the opening credits of an old episode of “Big Little Lies” started playing, Michael Kiwanuka crooning out the now infamous theme song.

And I know

In my heart, in this cold heart

I can live or I can die

I believe if I just try

You believe in you and I

Colleen turned the tv off and put her head in her hands. She didn’t know how to shake the feelings she was having so she decided to give into the comfort that she knew would work, even if it was beyond not the healthiest choice in this case.

She grabbed the usb drive from where Justin had left it on her bookcase and went to her bedroom to set up her laptop. She connected her AirPods and set up the track to loop as she climbed into bed, letting the sounds of JC singing in her ear soothe her until she was fast asleep.