JC and Colleen began talking more after their near reconciliation at the recording studio. Colleen was trying hard to explain her hesitation in truly getting back together with JC but had relented to a few dates here and there. JC did his best to respect her boundaries as they both processed through their emotions separately and with each other.
The lack of physical connection was taking a toll on both of them, however. Things were going slow but progressing with the relationship in JC’s eyes but his need to have Colleen back in his bed was reaching fever pitch. His visits with Raina weren’t cutting it, a first for him, and masterbating could only be so much help. Still, he was patient and didn’t want to push.
Colleen, on the other hand, knew exactly what climbing back into JC’s bed would mean and she knew she wasn’t ready, emotionally. Physically though, her need was driving her insane, like an itch she couldn’t get rid of no matter how many times she scratched. The more she spoke to JC, the more she wanted to throw her principles out the window and submit her entire being back to him. That was the exact reason she didn’t want to be physical yet, she knew the moment his lips touched her, her body would betray her mind and give in.
She had to laugh at the irony of her real life in comparison to some of her deepest fantasies. Resistance was what was needed but she knew how good giving in would be. It felt amazing when she played with that dynamic but nothing in her actual life changed because of it. Getting back with JC would forever change her life and she was honestly scared that that was indeed what she wanted to happen.
“So you see my trepidation,” Colleen explained one late night to JC on the phone.
“I do,” JC tried to sound sincere but he’d gotten distracted by all the talk of submission and giving in Colleen was comparing their relationship to. His favorite thing had become the moment she let her guard down and truly became his when they played. He got the parallels too and while it was an apt analogy, it also made him hard as hell. “You really need to go see Piper.”
“Probably,” Colleen admitted. “I feel like I’ll be too distracted.”
“Why? The club should be a place where you can forget about the outside world for a little bit.”
“Yeah, except when you essentially met your boyfriend there and played out a lot of your kinky fantasies with him. I…I want to go but I’m not really sure how much I can enjoy it anymore.”
JC let out a long breath, realizing more and more how much his infidelity truly weighed on Colleen. He did not like that her sexual outlet was cut off to her, even temporarily, because she didn’t feel comfortable. Sure, that was her decision but it didn’t make him feel any less responsible. “Why do you fear getting back together is going to change your life?” he asked, wanting to fully understand her mindset.
“Because either I keep going down this insane path with you or I take the other fork in the road and see what I find.”
“Ok, well, that’s fair but I guess I meant, is there something with you personally you feel like it would change?”
Colleen understood what JC was asking but wasn’t quite sure how to answer it. “A while back, Mistress Piper asked me if I wanted to make our dynamic more, um, everyday and I…I thought about it and while there is a very weird appeal to it, I decided I don’t.”
“What does that mean, more everyday?”
“I guess, to me, it means you being more in control of the day to day decisions. You want tacos for dinner, we get tacos even if I want lasagna, does that make sense?”
JC tried to think about exactly what Colleen was getting at. “Are you afraid getting back together, giving in to trying again as it were, is going to make you the subordinate in this entire relationship?”
“Kind of,” Colleen nearly whispered. “I feel oddly like if I don’t hold firm, I’ll lose my grip completely.”
JC was beginning to think there was more behind why Colleen didn’t want to see Piper right now then maybe she even realized. “Colleen, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Maybe it would help if we re-established some ground rules for our relationship to move forward.”
“The fact that we even need to make rules is so fucked up,” Colleen shook her head.
“Every relationship has rules but so many of them are unspoken. Let’s take this opportunity to define them.”
“What exactly did you have in mind?”
“Well, for starters, the only people we are allowed to have sexual relations with besides each other are Raina and Piper.”
“You already broke that one.”
“I’m aware, which is why I’m putting it first and foremost as a parameter. We’ve kind of danced around saying it so I want you to know I understand the rules.”
“It’s weird to call them rules. It reminds me of when I first started seeing Piper, how we had to talk so much out of what I was and wasn’t ok with.”
“Well, isn’t that exactly what we’re doing right now?” JC asked. “The rules at the club are meant to manage expectations and create boundaries. I think that’s reasonable in any type of relationship.”
“Ok fine,” Colleen huffed, agreeing with JC’s point but not wanting to admit it. “Hang on, let me write all this down.”
“Why do I feel like this time you really will make this a legally binding contact?” JC smiled.
“I won’t put all the fancy language in it but if we do this, you bet your ass I’m making you sign it,” Colleen grinned.
“Fair enough, especially since it was my idea in the first place,” JC complied. “What else?”
“That we talk to each other when we are having an issue. We need to be able to share even the scary shit and if we don’t want to go in depth, just let the other person know in general what you’re dealing with.”
“Agreed. We already do this but respecting schedules. We both have weird and last minute things that pop up and we need to be understanding of that.”
“To that end, that also means letting each other know when things do come up or change. I…I feel like right now I have to keep tabs on you, like you could run off again at any second,” Colleen admitted sadly.
“I’m sorry to hear you feel that way but that’s perfectly understandable,” JC acquiesced. “I feel like we’re avoiding a crucial part of why we even brought this up…Colleen, I want a partner, not a slave. I love the things we do and you have truly shown me a part of myself I didn’t know existed but I don’t want that to be my life, just as I don’t want to be Raina’s slave all day, every day. There’s a time and a place for it.”
“I don’t want that all the time either but I also like feeling that way with you. I…I like being submissive to you more than I kind of want to admit but I don’t want to become Suzy Homemaker either, just, maybe, pretend to be her every so often.”
“As I said, time and place. Some days I definitely do just want you to be silent and obey everything I tell you but I wouldn’t want that all the time. Not only does it ruin the fun but I love you; your personality, your wit. I wouldn’t want an iota of that diminished.”
“Thank you, and yeah, I mean, I know I don’t do it often enough probably but I like having the option of being in control of you.”
“Do you think a little role reversal would help right now?”
“Josh, I’m not trying to have sex at the moment.”
“I’m not necessarily saying sex but more like…you feel like getting back together is going to equal giving up a level of control that you don’t want to. I want to show you that you can be with me and still be very much in control. I told you, I want a partner. Just because we play with the power structure doesn’t mean it shouldn’t still balance at the end of the day.”
“There’s that word again,” Colleen teased. “What exactly do you have in mind?”
“I honestly don’t know yet. I just know that I never want you to feel any less than equal in this relationship. I feel like…I feel like you haven’t been the same since everything happened, like I kind of took some of the spark out of you.”
“Josh, this has been really hard on me and you’ve been very patient while I figure it all out. It’s more than the cheating, it’s dealing with all the red flags I ignored before and you…you are doing a tremendous job of finally making your peace with so many things. I guess I’m just wondering if we can really go back to how things were before?”
“No, we can’t, Colleen but we can take the parts that worked and improve on the parts that didn’t and make it better. If we’re both willing to try, that is?”
Colleen let out a long sigh. “You make it sound so easy. “Just say yes and everything can be good once again.” I’m not…fuck it, I’m scared Josh, ok? I’m fucking scared that if I get back in this…if this happens again…?” Colleen cut herself off as she covered her mouth, suppressing the urge to cry yet again at the situation.
JC sat silently and let Colleen have a moment. He remembered sitting on her couch months ago now, confessing that she scared him because he wanted to commit to her. Now it seemed the roles were reversed as she struggled with the idea of committing herself to him once more. JC cursed at himself yet again for causing her to ever doubt him but more so for doubting herself.
“I think…I think I’m gonna go,” Colleen choked out. “Good talk though. I’ll type this up in case we need it.”
“There’s still some more things I’d like to talk over before you do that. Not tonight, of course. I just…I want you to know the decision is always yours and you’ll always have the ability to decide anything and everything in this relationship, including what you decide you don’t want to decide, if that made sense.”
“It did,” Colleen gave a small laugh. “I gotta go. I love you, Josh.”
“I love you too,” JC got in quickly before Colleen hung up the phone. JC sat and tapped the edge of his phone to his lips repeatedly, thinking how he could reignite Colleen’s confidence and assure her of her much desired equality in their relationship but perhaps prove his loyalty and commitment to her as well. They both knew the past couldn’t be unchanged but it was still an obvious sticking point that they had to move past, even if that meant Colleen deciding being together ultimately wasn’t right for her. JC knew how it felt to have your pain eat you from inside and no matter the outcome to him personally, he was determined to save Colleen from the same fate.
An idea popped into JC’s head as he stopped taping the phone and considered it. It certainly would be an act of showing Colleen how much control she did have but was he ready for it? He thought more, weighing the pros and cons and decided it couldn’t hurt to try. He texted Mistress Raina to get her sign off and then started planning.
