1996

Drowning was the only way she could describe it.

If anyone were to ask the teenager how she felt at that exact moment, standing at the departure gate with her boyfriend right before he boarded a plane to Sweden indefinitely, she would tell them she felt like she was drowning.

She was swimming in a sea of emotions and, even though she tried to put her feet on something substantial, there was nothing there. Just wave after wave of sadness, dread, and the impending loneliness of life without him crashing over her head as she fought to stay above the water.

She was drowning while everyone around her kept breathing, and they all thought she was breathing too.

But she wasn’t.

Her boyfriend, her best friend, and her whole world was flying around the globe, and there wasn’t an exact timeline for his return. They were both young; him, twenty, and she, eighteen - yet she knew he was the love of her life.

“You swear that you’ll write?” She almost whispered, trying to hide the pain in her voice. It was easier to speak without looking at him, so she buried her face in the front of his Orlando Magic’s jersey, pressing her cheek against the beating of his heart and letting his scent fill her.

Speed stick deodorant, fresh laundry, and pepperoni pizza.

What if she forgot what he smelled like while he was away? Alternatively, worse – what if he forgot about her?

Brimming tears threatened to overflow, so she wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him tight because she didn't know what else to do.

“Babe,” He returned her embrace, nuzzled his face in her dark curls and kissed the crown of her head, “I’ll make sure you have a letter every day.”

“You won’t forget me, will you?” She squeezed her eyes shut, fighting back the tears that suddenly spewed from her eyes at the terrifying thought.

“Hey.” He took her by the shoulders and captured her reluctant gaze. “Don’t be a doofus girl. I’ll be counting every minute it takes for me to get back to you.” He smiled softly, reassuringly.

She tried to return the smile, but it was a weak attempt. She wanted ardently to believe him, but she couldn’t shake the unease creeping over her.

They stood there blankly for a moment before his voice broke the silence.

Stroking her hair, he began to sing her favorite song softly. “So, kiss me and smile for me...”, He leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss against her lips, “...tell me that you’ll wait for me…”
 
He grinned against her mouth, and this time, she couldn’t help but return the smile in full. “How can you be such a cheeseball right now?”

“You are gonna wait for me, right?” He asked, sounding like he already knew the answer but needed to hear her say it.

She sniffled, brushing the tears from her cheek with the sleeve of her blue flannel shirt.  “Of course.”

“Then there’s nothing to be sad about, babe.” His hands came to her face, he cupped her cheeks in his hands and touched his forehead to hers. “The guys and I will be so busy working on the album, touring, and promoting...”

“...and I’ll be buried under piles of homework, becoming a brilliant surgeon.” She added.

He nodded. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

Before she could respond, his bandmate, Justin appeared behind him.

“C! Wrap up your farewell make-out sesh and come on.” He tugged his friend’s elbow. “We’re about to board.”

Reaching for her hand, he pulled her into a final embrace. “I’ll try to find a way to call you as soon as we land.”

“I’ll be by the phone.” One more time, she breathed in his familiar scent and closed her eyes, willing the present precious moment to last for just a little longer. The world around them faded. It was just the two of them at that moment, but it was over much quicker than she wanted.

He hesitated before he let her go, picked up his bag, and slung it over his shoulder. “Take care of yourself, babe.” He ruffled her hair and turned away before she could respond.

Before he got too far, he turned back to her. “I could never love anyone the way I love you – remember that, Courtney.” He gave her one last smile.

She could feel the tears beating at the back of her eyes again, but she mustered a smile of her own. “I love you too, JC.”

May 2003
Orlando, FL

The car ride from the airport was uncomfortably silent. Courtney looked out the passenger side window as the streets rushed by and JC concentrated on the road in front of them. The tension between the two of them was palpable from the moment she stepped out of the airport and saw him waiting for her by the curb. He was too busy working on his upcoming solo project to fly out with her for her graduation from Duke University’s medical program, so she was genuinely shocked that he’d even remembered to pick her up from the airport. Still, the quiet anger and resentment made it hard for her to even feign happiness to see him.

“I wanted to be there, Court.” Sliding a glance in her direction, JC finally spoke.

Courtney kept her gaze fixed on the buildings passing by. “You always want to be there, but when are you, Joshua?” She responded, bitterly.

“C’mon, Courtney, that’s not very fair.” They came to a stop at a red light, and he reached for her hand, but she drew it away from him. “It’s not like I had a choice.”

She didn’t want to hear his excuses; she’d heard them all before. The same words uttered a thousand times throughout their eight-year relationship. Somehow, she’d managed to graduate undergrad and medical school with honors all the while making it to every monumental occasion of his career to support him. Meanwhile, she’d lost count of the birthdays, anniversaries, and other important events he’d missed for the sake of his music.

The light turned green, and he returned his attention to the road.

Courtney’s eyes brimmed with angry tears at the thought of all the times she’d fallen second to his career. “Last night was the most important night of my life, and if I meant anything to you anymore, you would have been there.”

He didn’t say anything, and she didn’t expect him to. What could he say that he hadn’t already said to her before? Another promise he would inevitably break?

After he and the guys decided to put the band on hiatus, he’d swore to her that he would make up all their lost time together. After she graduated medical school, they would go on a long vacation somewhere the world couldn’t reach them; they would be a regular couple for once.

Then he decided he wanted to make a solo album.

They were quiet again, the car whirring away, the road clear, the radio low.

Courtney rubbed her moist eyes and decided to pull her phone out of her pocket, remembering she hadn’t checked her messages since getting on the plane in North Carolina. She quickly responded to texts from her mother, asking if she’d made it home yet. Her parents missed her graduation, but her father was seriously ill, so she understood their position. The only person who could make it to watch her receive her degree was Lance, and he’d also texted her to let her know his flight had landed safely. He’d become one of her closest friends, almost like a brother, during JC’s time with NSYNC and she was glad he made it – but he wasn’t the person she wanted there.

“Are you hungry? I’ve never taken a doctor out to dinner before.” JC’s voice tore her attention from her phone.

She rolled her eyes and returned her phone to her pocket.

As usual, he was trying to brush the subject aside and charm her into forgiving him.

At that second, her stomach did growl, but she placed her hand over it. “Actually, just drop me off at mom and dads.”

“What?”

Finally, she looked over at him. “I don’t want to fight. Please.” Their eyes met briefly, and he nodded.

When they pulled up in front her parent’s house, he shut off the engine, took off his seatbelt, and shifted in his seat to face her. “Are we going to be okay?”

For the first time during the ride, she saw genuine concern and profound worry in his soft, beautiful blue eyes.

With that, she broke into a flood of tears.

“Don’t cry, Courtney, I’m sorry.” He took her face in his hands, wiping the tears with his thumbs. “I’ll fix this.”

Courtney cried harder, knowing there was only one way to fix their problem. “I’m pregnant, JC.”

Paling visibly, he drew back and ran his hands through his hair. “Are you sure? Did you tak-”

“I took a test, and I went to the doctor before I flew to North Carolina.” She interrupted; her voice was quiet as she wiped away the excess tears that had fallen. “You don’t need to worry about it though; I have an appointment this week to take care of it.”

“Take care of it?”  He blinked, and then his face hardened. “Wait, don’t I get a say in this? You can’t just decide that, Courtney.”

“Well, what would you suggest, Joshua?”

He sat back, cupped his hands over his mouth and breathed into them. “I know this wasn’t the plan, but we could have this baby and raise it together.”

She closed her eyes, shaking her head. “You mean I could have this baby and raise it while you’re out touring and walking red carpets with Tara Reid.” Part of her was amazed at her own coldness, her own bitterness, but at that point, she felt like the idea of them being a tiny happy family was delusional.” “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our relationship has been deteriorating for quite some time now. Seeing as I start my internship in a few months and you’re going to be touring for your album, I don’t see there being an “us.”

His brow furrowed. “What are you saying, Courtney?”

“Take care of yourself, Joshua.” Before he could say anything further, she grabbed her bag and exited the car, running into her parent’s house without ever looking back.

May 2013
North Carolina

Courtney woke up to her alarm buzzing at 6:00 AM and sighed. The thought of rolling over and going back to sleep was tempting but seeing as she was scheduled to scrub in for surgery at 8:30 and she had to prepare both herself and her daughter, Harper, for the day, she didn't.

Heading down the hall to Harper's bedroom, she walked in, opening the curtains and letting in the bright North Carolina sunrise.

"Up and at 'em, Harp." She announced, pulling the blankets back off the sleeping girl. "I have surgery in two hours, and I can’t be late."

Harper sat up in the bed with her dark, tousled hair and sleepy, blue eyes. "I’m still tired." She groaned staring at her mother like she didn't understand where she got so much energy first thing in the morning.

Courtney smiled at the nine-year old, seeing so much more of herself every day; She wasn't always a morning person, but raising a kid on her own while working full-time, she quickly learned to be satisfied with whatever sleep she could get. “Breakfast is in thirty minutes, Harp.”

Yawning and rubbing her eyes, Harper nodded before rolling out of the bed and ambling over to her dresser, digging through the drawers.

“Do you want some help, Harp?”

“I’m not a baby, mom.” Harper grumbled.

Courtney’s smile dwindled a little. Her little girl was becoming more and more self-reliant and independent every day, filling her with just as much heart-break and pride.

"See, mom, I got it." Harper pulled out a bright orange t-shirt and khaki shorts, turning to her mother with a big grin lighting up her face.

That smile.

Just one of the many traits she shared with her father. It still never failed to melt her heart, every time.

Courtney nodded, pushing back the thoughts of him. "Good job, kiddo. Now, you've got 30 minutes, remember?" She instructed her daughter as she walked out of the room. "If I have to come back up here, Harp, it will not be pretty, kid." She imparted one final warning and set off to get herself together.

Within fifteen minutes, Courtney was showered and dressed for the day; a pair of skinny jeans and a black t-shirt until she changed into her scrubs at the hospital. She was pulling her shoulder-length raven locks into a pony-tail when her phone buzzed on the sink.

It was a message from the hospital telling her they needed her to come in an hour earlier – which meant she had about fifteen minutes to get Harper fed and out the door if she wanted to be on time.

Harper was sitting at the kitchen table watching cartoons on her iPad when Courtney came scrambling down the steps. She sighed at the sight of her child – she’d told her a hundred times that she didn’t want electronics at the table and her beautiful dark brown hair was a ratted mess on top of her head, meaning she’d skipped brushing it…. again.

“We only have ten minutes, Harp, turn off the iPad.” Courtney always tried to make sure Harper started her day off with a healthy breakfast, but reaching for the pop-tarts, she reminded herself that she couldn’t do it all.

She handed Harper a pop-tart and did her best to tame the girl’s unruly hair with her fingers before they were out the door and on the way.

On the way to Harper’s Elementary School, Harper sat in the backseat with her iPod headphones in her ears, giving Courtney the impression that she was still upset over their disagreement the night before.

Though she tried her best to erase every part of her old life after leaving JC in front of her parents all those years ago – changing her number, deleting social media, and moving to the small tourist town in North Carolina – she kept in touch with Lance. He, like everyone else in her life, thought Harper was the product of a one-night stand after the break-up that never actually happened. He would visit the girls at least once a year and, having sworn years ago to stay out of the break-up between his two friends, promise Courtney he would never tell JC that they stayed in touch. This year, though, instead of visiting them he’d offered to let Harper come stay with him in LA for a few weeks during the summer and give Courtney a break.

She refused.

What if he and JC decided to meet-up during that time?

There was only one time she’d ever considered reaching out to him and telling him that she’d chickened out at her appointment and had the baby after all – a few weeks after Harper was born.

Labor was hard enough but bringing a baby into the world without any support system wasn't something Courtney wished to EVER do again. It was probably the most bittersweet day of her life; On one hand, she cried tears of joy to finally have her baby girl in her arms. On the other, she was swallowed by the sadness of losing her youth and crippled by the guilt. A man gets to witness his first child’s birth only once….and she'd stolen that from him.

Alone, working long shifts at the hospital, and dealing with a newborn who seemed to never sleep, Courtney spent many a night sobbing right along with her screaming infant. Deep down, she knew if she called him, he would be right there by her side to help, but she could never bring herself to pick up the phone.

What if he was too hurt, too angry, to forgive her? What if he didn't want Harper?

The fear in her heart led her to decide JC would never know about their daughter.

Harper wanted so badly to spend the summer in California, but she didn’t understand why her mother wouldn’t let her go.

She never would.