May 2003
Orlando, FL

Courtney stood at length before the wall-length mirror in their bedroom.

Grabbing her shirt up to her breasts, she studied her reflection.

There it was.

The Bump.

She turned sideways, marveling at how quickly her body was changing. It was weird to her – the idea of a baby growing inside of her.

It was impossible to hold back all the thoughts racing through her mind. She wondered what the gender would be? What would the baby look like? More like her or JC? Would they have her brown eyes or blue, like his?

All in all, only 10 weeks along, it was a small bump – just a tiny reminder of the life she was carrying. Though, to Courtney, it felt like ten times its actual size - especially, when she was trying to hide it from the people around her, namely JC.  

She hadn’t told him yet, but she’d only received confirmation a week ago. In prior weeks, she’d had the inkling suspicion that she could be pregnant due to waking up almost every morning feeling horribly bilious and dizzy. Plus, the obvious sign- her period was nearly two months late. They were almost always careful, but there were times they found themselves too engrossed in the moment, and one another, to be bothered with it.

She’d kept her suspicions hidden from her boyfriend; she didn’t want to stress him about anything until she was sure. He was already stressed enough, juggling the uncertainty of the band’s hiatus with working on his album. But, she was beginning to have a hard time concealing her nausea from JC, who’d been very concerned that she wasn’t eating enough.

Courtney had spent the last week coming to terms with impending motherhood, and how to tell JC.

Though she’d brainstormed several fun ways to tell him, she’d settled on something simple.

A copper guitar pick hand stamped with the words, ‘Play me a song, Dad’. It sat, gift wrapped, in the back of her underwear drawer. She was going to give it to him before they went to her parents’ anniversary dinner later that evening.

Butterflies tickled her stomach, lost in her thoughts of him as a father – JC’s hands guiding their son or daughter’s small fingers over the keys of a piano  or the first time he took the little boy or girl to a concert.

They were nowhere near ready, but she kind of greeted the idea of them having a baby with warm anticipation. Of course, things would be hard; She’d just finished medical school, and he was starting on his own new path. A baby would multiply the difficulty of that by a thousand, but she felt buoyant at the thought of them becoming a family of three.

“Honey, I’m home!!!” JC’s voice calling out to her from downstairs snapped her out of her daydreams.

"I’m in the bedroom!" She answered, smoothing her shirt down over her stomach before walking over to their closet.

She needed to start getting ready for her parents’ dinner.

Her clothing choices went straight from school clothes to weekend sweats with no lengthy stops in between. Her school clothes were too casual for the formal affair, and the few elegant pieces she owned were great for the red carpets events for which she’d purchased them, but too risque to celebrate her mom and dad’s anniversary.

In the end, she settled on a long sleeved, black chenille turtleneck dress and laid it across the bed before making her way back to the bathroom for a quick shower.

She emerged twenty minutes later, feeling clean and fresh, her hair damp.

“Whatever you want from me
I'm giving you everything
I'm your baby tonight
You've given my ecstasy
You are my fantasy
I'm your baby tonight”

Courtney sang aloud as she stood in front of the bathroom sink, aiming a hair dryer at a round brush that was wrapped around a thick lock of her shining, jet-black hair.

“Hey, how was your day?” JC came in behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her cheek.

The hair dryer still blowing, her eyes met his in the mirror and she smiled. “It was good.” She answered and shut off the blow dryer, setting it on the counter. “I went to the grocery store and had lunch with my mom. She pulled out the brush, the lock falling soft with a smooth wave into her face, and began to apply her eye-liner in the mirror. “How about you?”

“It was fine.” He answered, pulling her tighter against him and resting his chin in the crook of her neck. “I have something to tell you.”

“What a coincidence..” Their eyes met again in the mirror and she smirked. “I have something to tell you too.”

He kissed her temple, nuzzling her skin, and murmured, “What are you getting ready for?”

She sighed, dropping her hands to the sink. “Are you serious, right now?”

“What?”

Turning in his arms, she poked a stern finger into his chest, taking satisfaction when he rocked back on his heels. “Don’t you dare tell me you forgot mom and dad’s anniversary dinner, Joshua.”

Irritation coiled through Courtney at the possibility that he had, in fact, forgotten about the dinner she’d talked about all week.

“Shiiit.” He groaned, and his shoulders slumped. “That is tonight, isn’t it?”

She rolled her eyes, shaking her head in grim amusement “Why am I not surprised?”

It wasn’t the first time he’d forgotten about plans they’d made, and she was certain it wouldn’t be the last.

She walked past him, clutching the terry towel wrapped around her body, and into the bedroom.

Retrieving her dress from the bed, she began to get dressed and angrily said to him without looking at him, “Can you please zip me?” It was more of a demand than a request.

JC obliged, slowly moving the zipper upward, he said, “Don’t be mad, Court - I’m not gonna dip out on your parents, okay.”

He grabbed her shoulders and spun her around, the hint of a smile on his lips. “I’ll go get ready right now.”

She softened, the tension leaving her body. Rising up on her tiptoes, she cupped his face and drew him down.  “Thank you.” She placed a quick kiss on his lips. “Now, what is it you wanted to tell me?”

JC’s demeanor changed immediately. He shifted uncomfortably. “Nah, Court.” He rubbed at the back of his neck. “I’ll tell you when we get home; I don’t want to ruin your night.”

Courtney exhaled deeply, closing her eyes and mentally preparing herself for the disappointment to come. “Just tell me, Joshua.”

“It’s your graduation.” He swallowed hard. “I have to fly out to LA this weekend, so I won’t be able to make it.”

Courtney felt her stomach drop in a sickening lurch. “You promised.” She answered in a soft sad voice.

“I know, babe, and I’ll make it up to you. I prom-” He reached out for her, but she stepped back, putting her hand up.”

“Don’t.”  At that moment, her sadness and disappointment transferred into a cool anger. “Don’t make me another promise for you to inevitably break.”

“Court..” Again, he reached out to touch her face, and again she recoiled from his touch.

“Just go get ready, Josh.” Courtney bit her lip - she didn’t want to get into it with him before her parents’ dinner. “We’re going to be late as it is.” She grumbled, sitting down on the bed to pull on the black velvet thigh high boots she’d set out with her dress.

“I thought you said you had news, too?”

“No.” She returned sharply, zipping the side of her boot.

For a moment, JC stood there, observing her with a frown. She waited for him to say something more but he didn't. His silence held.

When he turned and disappeared into the bathroom, she closed her eyes. Was she truly angry with him or with herself? No matter how hard she tried to pretend they still had a relationship, she knew it was fading fast.

She suspected JC knew it too.

Was the current state of their relationship a result of JC working and being away so much, or was working an excuse for him to get away?

Swallowing the tears, she got up and took the small gift-wrapped box out of her drawer. She tore the wrapping paper off and tossed the box aside. Without a second thought, she carried the small trinket downstairs to the other bathroom and flushed it down the toilet.

What it was they were holding onto, Courtney didn’t know, but she was certain a baby wasn’t going to change anything.

May 2013
Brevard, NC

Performing surgery normally had a soothing effect upon Courtney, allowing her to focus on something outside her own aching hollowness. But today she couldn’t shake a nagging feeling that something was wrong. It was an insidious awareness that she just couldn’t quell. 

 Her nerves had been raw and on edge all afternoon.

She wanted to chalk it up to the sight of Harper, unknowingly, wearing her father’s jersey and being called into work for an emergency procedure even though she’d taken the day off to spend with Lance.

But it seemed heavier than that; she was anxious to finish her paperwork after the procedure and pick Harper up from school, just to ease her mind that it had nothing to do with her.

Still, by the time she’d completed her paperwork and responded to a few emails, it was still hours until school would be dismissed for the day. So, Courtney decided she would just go home and kill time with Lance until she could go get Harper.
Cold anxiety was still washing through her when she walked through her back door into the kitchen, still wearing her navy blue scrubs.  

“Hey, Courtney.” Lance was sitting at the kitchen table with his laptop; she figured he was working on one of his many business ventures. “How was surgery?”

“Uh, it went smoothly.” She answered, walking over to the kitchen sink and getting herself a glass of water; hoping it would help to soothe her frayed nerves. She took a quick gulp and turned back to Lance. “Just let me get a quick shower and we’ll go grab lunch before Harper gets out of school.”

“Actually, Courtney, you may want to sit down.” For the first time since she’d walked through the door, she noticed Lance looked a bit on edge himself – his eyes darting between the computer screen and herself.

Lance’s tension increased her vague feelings of unease. “Lance, what’s going on?” She started to take a seat at the counter, but Lance shook his head.

“No, over here.” He motioned to the chair opposite him at the kitchen table. “Away from the knives…” He mumbled.
Courtney’s brow rose nervously. “Okay, you’re starting to freak me out.” She said, sitting across from Lance as he’d instructed.

“I’ll put this bluntly, Courtney.” Lance folded his hands on the table and drew a deep breath. “JC saw the photos of Harper from this morning that I posted on-“ He stopped himself and took another breath. “Okay, fine, I texted them to him because I wanted him to see that I found the jersey.”

“YOU DID WHAT!?!” Courtney exclaimed.

“Let me finish before you yell, okay?” Lance spoke softly, holding up both hands defensively. “Anyway, he said that he thinks Harper is his.”

Courtney felt her heart shoot into her throat and her stomach drop straight to her toes. “Oh my god.” She brought her hands up, and placed her face deeply within them – she finally understood why she’d carried the feeling of dread all morning.

“Well, is she?” Lance stared over the laptop at her.

She shifted in her seat, the hair on the back of her neck prickling. “Can we not have this conversation, please?”

“Look, I’ve been nothing but supportive these last ten years,” Lance snapped the lid of her laptop shut, crossing his arms over his chest, regarding her curiously - somewhat critically. “But I’m beginning to wonder why you try so hard to avoid your past.”

Courtney shook her head, wanting to hear none of it. “I’m not having this conversation with you, Lance.” She scoffed weakly and smiled harshly.

Lance was undeterred by her insistence that he drop the subject.

“I am ashamed it took me this long to realize the truth, but I’ve been looking at pictures of them both all day, and it hit me right in the face.” Lance wore a wide-eyed look of astonishment, but she also registered disbelief, almost disappointment.  “I feel like such an idiot, but I guess it just took JC saying it for me to realize. She has your nose, but the rest is all JC.”

Courtney was quiet.

Lance was speaking the truth, but could she admit it?

Her silence was all the answer Lance needed.

“He deserves to know, and Harper deserves her father.” Lance plainly and soberly stated.

“He has his life, Harper and I have ours, and we’ve done just fine without him. I don’t see any reason to disrupt that.” Courtney said, dismissively.

Finished with the conversation, she stood and walked over to begin unloading her dishwasher. She could hear Lance’s heavy footsteps behind her, not that she really expected for him to let the subject go that easily. Honestly, a part of her felt relieved that she wouldn’t have to lie to Lance anymore but the relief was short lived.

“Do you hear yourself? Do you realize how crazy you sound? “

Courtney ignored him, focusing on placing cups back into the cabinet. She hated being lectured like this, as if she were no more than a naughty, ignorant child.

“You have to tell him the truth, or I will.”

Courtney turned to him. There was a challenge in his voice. In his eyes, there was more.

Her reply echoed everything she saw there - the anger, the obstinance. “You wouldn’t.”

“I promised you that I wouldn’t tell him you and I were still in touch, and while I felt horrible keeping that from him, I honored your wishes, but there is a line.” He shrugged matter-of-factly. “I don’t know how you live with yourself knowing you’ve kept his daughter from him, but I won’t do it.”

“Lance –“

“I’ll give you a few moments to think about it, but I’m calling him and one of us is telling him the truth regardless.”