February 2004

Brevard, NC

The baby's cries started soft enough that Courtney thought she was dreaming, but within seconds the cries evolved into screaming.

It wasn't really screaming, though; it was more of a horrible, ear-piercing, infantile screeching; The same exact sound that had plagued her for almost two months.

Harper was crying again, and she was not surprised; it felt like her newborn daughter had cried around the clock since her birth six weeks prior.

She sat up in bed, rubbing her puffy, sleep-deprived eyes with the heels of her hands.

Her head still ached from the hours of crying she'd already endured that evening. It amazed her, constantly, that a creature so tiny could make such a loud noise.

Harper lay in a bassinet next to the bed; her face scrunched and red from screaming, pleading to the world to take her pain away. 

Courtney wished she could, but nothing she ever did seemed to work. Her mom told her that this stage would only last for a few months, but she was beginning to think that a few months would last an eternity. 

"Shh, sweet girl." She leaned over and picked her up, cradling her head in one hand as she held her against her chest. "You're okay, Harp." She kissed the soft hair on her baby's head and drew in that fresh new baby smell. "There's no reason to cry, sweetheart." She sighed, turning her heavy eyes to the alarm clock on the bedside table, flashing 4:00 am.

After spending the entirety of the evening rocking Harper, walking with Harper, bouncing Harper, singing to Harper, and countless other tips she'd read from other mothers online, they'd both tuckered out only two hours ago. Now, they were up again, and Courtney had to be back at the hospital in three hours.

Life as a single mother had proven to be harder than Courtney could have imagined. She loved her little girl with all her heart, but caring for an infant and navigating a surgical residency came with a unique set of challenges she hadn't been prepared to face. It was her first week back at work since Harper's birth, and it felt like she hadn't slept at all.

The baby never stopped crying. 

Courtney's mother seemed to have better luck when she kept Harper during the day, but she figured that was because she had more experience with babies. All Courtney knew was that she was barely making it through the day at work and staying up all night with Harper; she was bone tired, worn thin.

She carried the crying infant into the kitchen, making a bottle all the while gently swaying Harper back and forth, trying to stop the crying. "Harp, please, you'll wake your Mimi." Courtney's thoughts went to her mother sleeping soundly in the guest room.

As grateful as she was that her mother had come to help her during this adjustment period, she didn't want her mother coming to her rescue. She needed to know, to prove to herself that she could do this alone.

She could do this - she had to.

She finished making the bottle and rushed back to her bedroom, praying her mother would sleep through Harper's cries.

Settling into the rocking chair by the window, she cradled Harper in her arms and nudged Harper's mouth with the bottle until finally, finally, the baby accepted the bottle, and the crying stopped.

Courtney held her breath, counting to one hundred in her mind before she let herself relax and cautiously hoped that Harper had decided to give her mother a break. She waited another minute or so before pushing off the floor with one foot, setting the chair into a gentle rocking motion. 

"Well, you've certainly got your daddy's pipes, don't you?" She whispered, taking in her baby girl's face; which seemed to change daily. The crystal blue eyes she'd inherited from her father were entrancing. She was only a few weeks old, and already her head was covered in soft dark curls. 

Courtney knew it wasn't just mother's bias; her daughter was a gorgeous baby.

Part of her wondered how JC would react to Harper if he knew about her. Courtney could easily picture him in hospital scrubs, holding the little baby girl with her pink hat on, beaming from ear to ear. She could imagine the funny faces he would make to cheer up the fussy baby. It wasn't hard at all to see JC rocking back and forth, cradling and crooning to his sweet girl. 

It was a beautiful dream. 

As excited and happy as she was to have her own beautiful daughter, she was equally disappointed in herself. Her daughter would never know a father's love. Her baby would never get to look in her daddy's eyes and see the gleam that tells her she is his favorite girl. She would never get to experience the feeling of her daddy lifting her so high off the ground, up to where the sunlight sings and dances on her face. She would never get to ride on her daddy's shoulders on their way to her first day of Kindergarten. No daddy-daughter dates to the ice cream shop or the mall. No dad to teach her how to climb trees, play sports, or ride a bike. She would never know the comfort of her daddy's arms when she fell off that bike and grazed her knee. 

All due to her mother’s foolishness and irresponsibility.

May 2013

Brevard, NC

“I can’t believe Lance is making me do this….” Courtney sank into the kitchen chair, ramming her fingers into the hair of her drooped head. A part of her felt relieved that she wouldn't have to lie to Lance, to anyone, anymore but another part of her felt ill.

Other than knowing she had reached the end of the line and would have to tell JC the truth, she had no idea what would come next.

She wanted to call him the old-fashioned way, but Lance wouldn’t have it.

“He deserves to hear this face to face, but since we’re on opposite coasts, this will just have to do.”

In front of her, Lance had already set up his laptop for the Skype call - pulling up JC in his contacts. All she had to do was push the call button. Lance had assured he would answer; he was expecting one of them to call - Lance had promised.

Courtney brought her head up, pushed her hair back, and steadied herself. Gathering as much nerve as she could find within her, she hit the call button, her heart pounding in her chest. She could hear the ringing on the other end, and she knew that JC was there. He was just a few seconds away from answering, and she felt like she was going to be sick.

She had imagined making this call for years, but now that the moment was here, she wasn't sure if she could go through with it. What if he didn't want to talk to her? What if he was too angry after all these years? What if he hung up on her?

The phone rang again, and Courtney took a deep breath. She had to do this. She had to tell him the truth.

Lance certainly wasn’t going to allow her any other choice.

The screen flashed and suddenly there was shuffling and settling as JC sat down and adjusted the computer.

He wore a faint smile, but his blue eyes weren't gentle or kind like she remembered them. They were cold. Stern. Unreachable. "Hi, Court."

She couldn't even look at them, instead dropping her gaze to her hands on the table. "Hi, Josh." Her voice came out as small as his gaze made her feel.

May 2013

Los Angeles, CA

JC didn't know what to say, or rather, there was so much he wanted to say that he was having trouble deciding what to say first. A million questions seemed to race across his mind, each bringing with it a new line of queries.

He had a daughter. A little girl. Now nine years old.

He struggled to breathe, struggled to think, to believe, to understand...

"Josh, I am so sorry." On the other end of the phone, Courtney sat wringing her hands, her face a blurred wash of tears.

His mind flashed back to their past, the eight blissful years they'd spent together. Even that last year, they'd mostly spent fighting - his time with Courtney was the most blissful time of his life. 10 years had almost passed since then, and in many ways, it had felt like a lifetime. Now, for JC, it felt like a lifetime in exile.

"Does she know about me, Courtney?" He randomly selected a question from his ever-growing list.

Her head lowered in shame, and her silence was all the answer he needed.

A terrible ache bloomed in his throat, swiftly followed by a tumult of emotions – alienation and loneliness, frustration, and anger. Hanging onto his composure by a thread, JC scrubbed a hand over his face. He tried to picture his daughter, this girl whose face he'd never seen. His own flesh and blood – and he had no idea what she looked like.

His thoughts flew haphazardly. He had a daughter. Every kid needed a dad. What right did Courtney have keeping such a secret from him?

He'd always felt a great sense of bitterness towards Courtney since she'd walked out on him, but he'd never felt this wounded or wronged.

"She doesn't think I didn't want her, does she?"

Courtney sniffled, shook her head, and wiped her tears with the heels of her hands. "We've never talked about you." When she looked up at him with her bloodshot brown eyes, he did not feel sorry for her, and he would not let her tears affect him.

"You know I would have been there, Courtney." He fought to speak calmly. "If you'd told me, if you'd given me a chance, I would have faced up to my responsibilities."

"Not completely." Again, she lowered her gaze. No doubt to hide the flush of shame on her face. "You always put me on the back burner, and I knew it would be the same for her. She was better off without a father at all than one who couldn't be there for her one hundred percent."

"THAT WASN'T YOUR DECISION TO MAKE, COURTNEY!" He slammed his fist down on his coffee table. It was so unexpected that, even hundreds of miles away, she jumped a little. JC sprang to his feet and began to pace. Anger quickened his breathing, and trembles wracked his body. The rage beat in his heart pounded in his wrists and his ears. "Courtney, do you have any idea what you've done?"

His first child. His only child. He'd missed everything. He missed her birth. He missed those first steps and first words. First laugh. First Christmas. First tooth. He missed the toilet training and the terrible twos. He missed her first day of school. He'd missed out on being a father from the start, and there was no way he could ever get those moments back.

How dare she...

"Josh, I know-"

"SAVE IT, COURTNEY! SAVE IT!" He stopped pacing and sat back down, fixing her in his heated gaze. "I don't want to hear apologies or excuses! I just want to see her, and I want to see her right now."

Again, she shook her head and wiped her eyes. "You can't see her, Josh – not yet."

Talk about adding insult to injury – her words felt like she'd twisted the proverbial knife she'd driven into his heart all those years ago.

"Not yet?" In the face of his escalating anger, it took a supreme act of self-control for JC to stop himself from screaming a litany of obscenities at the woman; to curse her in the worst possible way. "You've kept her, deliberately hidden her from me for almost ten years, Courtney! What do you mean not yet?" He knew he sounded bitter, but he didn't care.

He was bitter.

Courtney drew an elaborately deep breath and let it out very slowly. She finally lifted her steady gaze his way, giving him the full effect of her darkly lashed brown eyes. Despite his rage and frustration, JC couldn't help thinking of how her eyes had always been so lovely.

"She's still at school and we can't just spring this on her – let me talk to her first."

"Fine." He answered sharply. "Lance already gave me your number; I’ll call you in the morning."