Chapter 10

He needed to get his mind off things: Fast. It was already 1:45 and he couldn’t sleep at all. He had fucked up big time and now he couldn’t get her out of his mind. This was craziness. Why the hell did he like her so damn much!?

He kept trying to convince himself he was just on the rebound but that couldn’t be it. He could have any girl he wanted. Maybe he wanted a challenge and that was definitely what Kristen was. His mind was running a thousand miles a minute and he needed to do something to make his eyes sorely tired and his brain dead. It had been a long time since he had played a Game Boy and he knew he had one somewhere. His brother had given it to him so he wouldn’t be bored on the road. He thought it was a cute gesture but now it was his saving grace.

He pulled himself up and opened the small compartment at the foot of his bunk. He had random stuff stashed in there and he found the gray device, grabbed a handful of games and laid back on his bed. He situated himself more comfortably and went to pickup a random game.

But of course, his hand missed and the 5 games that he had pulled out had slide off the slick material of his comforter/sleeping bag and crashed into the floor, a good 4 feet down.

Shit.

He sighed to himself and realized he was either going to have to give up on his quest for becoming brain dead or get up and go down and get the small cartridges. He made a move to get up and pushed the curtain out of his way, but when he looked over the side of his bunk he saw Kristen hanging, almost falling out of the bunk, reaching down and picking up his games for him.

He looked down. She looked up.

“Hey, what are you doing up?”

She struggled to pull herself up and she disappeared into her bunk for a second and then reappeared. “Well, the sound of Game Boy games falling from the sky and crashing into the floor woke me up.”

“Sorry about that.”

“It’s ok, here ya go.” She handed him the games. He thought it was cute she had to use both hands to hold them and he was about to grab them all in one handful. He put the games on the other side of him so they wouldn’t fall again and when he looked back down at her she had disappeared into her bunk.

“Hey wait.”

He heard her call from her bunk. “What?”

“Um…how’s the bunk?”

He then heard her half laugh and say, “Uh, ok? Why?”

“I dunno. Sorry. Night.”

“Yeah, night.”

He settled back in his bunk and looked at the games scattered by his side. He tried to concentrate on which one to pick, but he couldn’t. He could only think about how she was practically falling out of her top and how her hair looked good pulled back in a ponytail. He couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to spend time with her, or do something with her, no matter what it was. He pushed himself over the bunk and hung over it. He slung her curtain out of the way and looked upside down at her in her bunk.

“Hey, you asleep?”

She was staring at him when she said, “Yes.”

He smiled. “Shut up. Come play with me.”

“Play what?”

“Against each other. Game boy. You have those cable thingies. I’ve seen you and Rick.”

“Cable thingies? So technical Justin.” She smiled and he thought that in that moment she looked beautiful. She had been cute before and definitely pretty when she had been made over, but she had such a natural beauty about her right then. She seemed to hide it whenever she was at work, but now nothing was hidden, and nothing was added: it was just her.

“You wanna or not?”

“Well obviously I’m not sleepin’ so why not. Lemme find em.”

“Kay.” He went back into his bunk and waited on her, smiling to himself. She wasn’t bitching at him and she wasn’t pulling away from him. Maybe he could get somewhere with this.

Her hand emerged and hit him on his bare arm. “Here…plug your end in.” He took the black cord and pulled on it, but it wouldn’t go more than 5 inches from where her hand had been.

He frowned, “It doesn’t stretch that far.”

“Oh well. Sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“We don’t get to play.”

He pulled himself over the bunk again and smiled. “Who says?”

She put her hand in his face and tried to push him away. “Ugh, you’re so-WHAT…” He had reached down and pulled on her arm until he could get a hold of her shoulders and was now pulling her out of her bunk as best he could.

He chuckled to himself as she tried to pry herself from him. “Shhh…Chris is trying to sleep.”

“I’m NOT goin’ in your bunk.”

He let her go and she gave him a strange look punching him a couple times wherever she could. “You’ve been in it before.”

“Not with you in it.”

“So?”

Her voice got quiet and a shy look came into her gray eyes. He found it sexy. “So you’re half naked.”

He couldn’t resist and winked at her. “Too much temptation?”

On cue her demeanor changed and she turned up her nose. “Too much eww.”

He turned his smile to one that was as purposefully sincere as possible. “Ok, ok. Just come up here. You don’t have to stay. Just a one game. Until one of us dies. Ok?”

A mischievous look got in her eyes and he was glad she was joking with him. It meant they were still friends, on some strange level. “Until we die? That could be a long time.”

“I mean in the game KT.”

Her eyebrows raised. He would have told her how much older she looked with her hair pulled back but he didn’t want to offend her, again. “KT? No you aren’t allowed to call me that anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Because you tried to sex me up in a club.”

He shook his head. “You’re never gonna let that go are you?”

“I don’t see it happening.” She looked up at him and he looked down at her. After about a minute of having an intense staring contest she sigh and mumbled an “alright.” He heard her shuffling around and the next thing he knew he was helping her crawl into his bunk. There wasn’t really that much space for two people to lay side by side. His left arm was pressed against the wall and his other side was firmly pressed into her side.

He thought that putting his arm around her would make for more room, but she’d bitch slap him.

“Got enough room?”

“Y- yeah thanks.” He noticed her eyes float down to his chest that was now exposed under the sheet that had bunched down to his stomach. He smiled to himself.

“You ready to go down?”

“Is that a challenge? You do realize I’m the queen of this game.”

“You do realize I don’t care.” He maturely stuck his tongue out at her.

“That’s mean.”

“You’re mean.”

“You’re smelly.”

“Oh that just hurts. I just got off a show, excuse me!”

Kristen laughed. It turned into a softer giggle and he loved it to death. She was cute as hell. He was having a hard time restraining himself against her. All he wanted was to was reach out and…flirt, do the things people that were dating did. But there was still that barrier there, and he didn’t know how to cross it just yet. “I’m just kidding. So sensitive Justin, geez.”

“You’re calling ME sensitive.”

“I’m just defensive.”

“God Almightily yes.”

She shrugged, and he felt it against his arm. “I have my reasons.”

“Like what?”

“Like…I don’t know. I’ve just been fucked over in the past. I’m not good at letting people in.”

“I’ve figured that out. I’ma start callin ya IcyHot. Hot one minute, Cold the next.”

He was purposefully trying to push her buttons. He hoped he could balance between pushing her buttons and pissing her off and back into her bunk. “What do you mean?”

“And you take this Nsync group thing literally. You’re mad at one of us you’re mad at the rest.”

“What?!”

“Today with Joey.”

“Joey’s a bitch.”

He pried the game boy from her hand and put it over on his side. They hadn’t even put a game in yet and she was whining and pouting at him. He was getting fed up with her empty reasons for being defensive and hating Joey and getting super mad at him. So he was going to get to the bottom of it and the first thing to do was eliminate all distraction: like the game boy. “Ok, that’s it. You’re telling me why the hell you hate him so much. He’s done nothing TO you. He’s usually the one the girls like first. He’s never been anything but kind and nice to you. If you are taking out your hatred of me on him that’s just pathetic.”

“I don’t HATE you and I’m not taking anything against you out on him. I just don’t think he’s a good father.”

Justin was astonished. She had probably spent an hour total time with Joey in her life and had probably seen him with Brianna for no more than 10 minutes of that time. She had no right to judge him on 10 minutes worth of time. “What the- He’s like… he’s the best father I think I’ve seen Kristen. You don’t know how much he loves that girl.”

“Just because he loves her doesn’t mean shit.” She was pissed now, staring off into space, crossing her arms over her chest.

“What is going on with you? You got problems with your own dad or something?”

“I’m tired. I’m going back to sleep. See ya.” He must have pushed a button, but she had pushed his as well. He was tired and fed up with this bomb shelter she had buried herself in. She prided herself on being a thick-skinned girl but in reality whenever anyone said one thing to dig under that skin just a bit she closed up shop and headed home. He was going to get to the bottom of it finally.

“You do that to! You put up a wall and completely ignore anything that pushes you. Kristen, listen I know I’m an asshole, but I’d like to think I was your friend. Remember, we use to be buddies. You can talk to me. I know you don’t have many friends here on tour. Rick is…everywhere, I know. And everyone else has their own thing going. But if you want to talk about something I’m here, ok?”

“You sound like a fuckin after-school special.”

He shrugged and resituated his pillow. “I’m just telling you what I feel. Sorry. Go back to sleep. I’ll see ya in the morning.”

“Now you’re making me feel bad.”

“I don’t mean to.”

“Ok! Yes I have dad problems, ok?! But I’m sure its nothing you want to hear about.” He was getting somewhere. The Joey thing had been sorta solved, now on to the defensiveness.

“What about the sex thing?”

“What?”

He sighed and rolled over on his side to where he was facing her. She did the same. It was a rather intimate setting, them staring at each other on their sides, but there was more space between them than before. Still, now that they were facing, there were no barriers to keep them apart, keep one of them from leaning in, keep one of them from…He scolded himself for thinking those things while he was trying to get her to talk about her past. “Whenever we joke with you for being virginal you get super defensive like it’s a bad thing. It’s not, its cool.”

She laughed and turned her head a little into the edge of his pillow. When her face reemerged she looked at him and shook her head. “But Justin! I’m not a virgin!”

He had totally read her wrong. She had given off every virgin vibe he had ever been taught or ever come into contact with. This was a total blow to his female radar system. His ego was a little hurt to. He thought he had women figured out. Once again, she had thrown him for a loop. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. See you guys don’t know SHIT about me. You THINK I’m miss innocent because I look young, I’m the youngest here, I watch kid programs and I usually approach sex with a very sarcastic tone but that’s just how I am. I’ve had sex before. I know what it is. God, I feel like I need to go to the gyno and have them give you proof or something. What’s the big fuckin deal?”

“Uh, you’re the one rambling about it.”

Her face was now bright red and he had to wonder if she was just that mad or embarrassed that she had just blurted all that out. “S- sorry.”

He was intrigued now, and he needed to know more. “So uh, when’d you loose it?”

“See! You cant believe it.”

“Well, I mean…I’m not saying you’re not sexual.”

Her eyes looked down and she traced patterns on the mattress. “Yes you are.”

He reached out and moved her chin with one finger to make sure she was looking him in the eyes. “No I’m not Kristen. I’ve seen you flirt. You can be tempting.”

“I can be?”

He thought about how he was digging himself into a hole. He didn’t mean to say that, but the truth was he had thought about her in more than friendly ways. He had brushed it off as being lonely and sex-deprived but there was only so much he could take. And when he starting thinking about her mouth, and the possible things it could do, her sexuality had broke the scale. In reality she wasn’t ever that sexual, but he had a feeling if persuaded in the right situation she could be. God, he thought. You’re such a perv. “Uh, you don’t want to know how bad.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing.”

“Riiight.”

He switched the focus off him quickly. “So really, when’d you loose your virginity?”

“Graduation night.”

He smiled. “Fun stuff. High school boyfriend?”

“Nope.”

“Who then?”

“Random guy at a party. Barely knew him.”

If he was thrown for a loop before he was thrown to space with this one. He had to wonder if she was just making this stuff up, or if he had totally read her wrong. “O-oh.”

She shrugged and yawned. “I was drunk. I use to not really drink. But daddy dearest had…just forget it. You really don’t want to hear my sap story.”

“No I really do.”

“You sure?”

Hell yes he wanted to know. He wanted to know how in the world his woman radar got fucked up. “Yeah. I do.”

“Don’t tell anyone about this. Only Rick knows about my dad, he doesn’t even know the sex part so I’m hoping you can keep secrets.”

“I can.”

She sighed and looked down at the mattress again. “Well my momma died when I was 8 so it was just me and daddy ya know. Just us. He was just, my world ya know? That’s how little girls and their dads are.”

“How’d you’re mom die?”

“She smoked way too much. She had a heart attack. She was only 34. I get kinda pissed at Rick when he does it so fuckin much, but I’ve smoked before and I probably will again so I don’t know. Anyway.”

“I’m sorry about your mom.”

“It’s ok. I’ve had more than enough time to get over it.”

The way she said it pulled at his heart a little. He wasn’t in her position and he wouldn’t know how it would feel to loose his mother, but he did know he wouldn’t be able to move on. She said it so carelessly and of course she was young when it happened, but she seemed so unemotional about it. It made him wonder how much stuff this girl had pushed back and how far she had pushed it back. “That’s not something you get over Kristen.”

“I guess. Anyway, so it was just me and dad. And then when I was 12, dad said we were goin on a trip to grandmas and told me to pack my bag. So I did. I went to grandmas and started playing in the yard with their dog and the next thing I know grandma was calling me in for supper. Daddy wasn’t there.”

He wondered if she had lost her father as well. If so, he couldn’t imagine what she had been goin through and still was going through. He thought back and could never recall her talking about family. “What do you mean?”

“I mean he left me with my grandparents. He dropped me off. And I didn’t see him for another 10 years or so.”

His eyes widened. She hadn’t lost her father in the sense he had thought but it was almost as bad, if not worse. He had given her up. No wonder she hated Joey for not being with his daughter 24/7. “Holy shit. Why’d he do that?”

“I still don’t know. I guess he couldn’t handle me.”

“Were you a trouble maker or something?”

She laughed bitterly. “No I was like an angel child. I didn’t do anything. ‘Kristen go play in your room for an hour.’ ‘ok daddy.’ I had a very good imagination. I could spend hours in a 5 foot by 5 foot radius and have the best time of my life.”

He didn’t know what to say to her at first so he stumbled over his words. “That’s…I’m sorry Kristen. So have you seen him?”

“Yeah he came to my graduation. Pissed me the hell off. I got so mad. So when I went to a party that night I got completely smashed, ended up fuckin this guy named Michael Cardile.”

He thought about his first time with Britney. Even though it hurt a little when he looked back on it, it was with someone he loved, and would always love. It was awkward and a little embarrassing, but it wasn’t a random chick when he was trashed. “That’s kinda a sucky way to loose your virginity. I’m sorry girl.”

“That’s not the worst of it.”

He couldn’t imagine what else could go wrong, after her mom, and dad and this. “What do you mean?”

“Well I didn’t remember much of it, which I probably a good thing, and because of that the jack ass didn’t use a condom.”

Everything seemed to stop. He started to wonder how far this hole went, and if he really wanted to see the end. “A- are you ok?”

“I am now. I wasn’t though.”

After a few seconds of staring at her face while she looked down at the mattress he squeaked out, “What happened?”

“Well…” She sighed and looked up at him in the eyes. “I had a miscarriage.”

The air rushed out of his lungs like he had been hit hard on his back. “W- what?”

“Y- yeah, I didn’t know. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I went to the bathroom and there was way too much blood to be my period.”

He made a face, not because she was talking about her period but because he had never heard such a thing like this happening to someone he knew. And it was Kristen, little sarcastic Kristen. She’d been through more life than he had thought, more than she should have been through.

“I went to the doctor to have it check on. Damn I was scared as shit.”

“I- I’m sorry.” He knew he sounded stupid but he didn’t want to just lay there and be silent and her think he wasn’t listening.

“It’s…It’s really weird ya know? I mean I never was really upset. More relieved. That might be bad to say but I didn’t even know I was pregnant. And it was only like a week and a half after I had had sex. So, it wasn’t like I had lost a child. I- I don’t know. Am I makin any sense? I mean plus, what the hell would I do with a kid?”

Justin took in a deep breath and then let it out. It was too much for him to take in all at once, and he didn’t know why it was bothering him so much. “T- that’s…heavy.”

She flipped on her back and looked up at the top of his bunk. “Is it? I don’t know. It’s just my life. So I lived with the grands until I decided I needed to get out of Michigan. That’s when I was talking to Rick on the phone and he said he could use an extra hand. So I quit my jobs at The Skatarium and Tike’s Music Store and caught a flight, my first one, compliments of Mr. Wright himself and slept on Rick’s couch for a couple weeks until here we are.”

“Wow.” He was still shocked by it all but at least she was smiling now. And she didn’t seem that upset about it all, more relieved that she had let it all out.

He had to wonder who knew all that. Did her grandparents know about her miscarriage? Rick obviously didn’t know and he never heard her talk about friends back home.

“So what’s your story Mr. Timberlake?” She turned to him and nudged his bare shoulder a little.

“What’s MY story? Isn’t it known?” He laughed.

“Not to me. I want to know the grit.”

He shrugged. “There’s not much grit.”

“Boring.”

Good. He thought. It was back to normal. They were picking on each other once again. The weight seemed to be lifted in the small space and still he feel more connected to her than ever before. She wasn’t blocking him or putting on a front. He liked that. “What do you want to know? I was born…uh I lived with my mom and dad…they divorced, both got remarried, I moved to Florida got into *Nsync and here we are. Oh and then there’s Britney, but what’s to know about that?”

“I don’t know. What is there to know?”

“Started datin’ a couple years ago. She got tired of us being apart all the damn time, wanted to do the single thing for a while.” He rolled his eyes thinking of how pathetic Britney’s excuses had been and were. He was really tired of thinking about her. He was ready to move on.

“I’m sorry. You seem a little bitter.”

He laughed. “Well I am. I tried so fuckin hard to please that girl and make sure she was happy. I canceled shit. I went days without sleeping just so she could see me or whatever. She knows how this business thing is. But she just wants more than I can give. And I gave her so fuckin much.”

“Sometimes things like that just don’t work out.”

“I just, I think she’s expecting me to come back to her. But I cant if she expects me to give up some of my career for her. She wouldn’t give up hers for me. So why should I for her?”

“Yeah.”

“Anyway.”

It was quiet for a while until she started reaching under the comforter. He wondered what the hell she was doing when her hand bumped into his lower stomach. Moments later her hand reemerged with her game boy in its grip. She smiled brightly. “Want to play now?”

He smiled back trying to forget that he just had a woman’s hands close to him and trying to forget all that she had just told him about herself. “Sure.”

About 10 minutes later they were battling it out hard on their Game boys. His thoughts had been totally wiped away except for the object of the game he was playing, exactly what he had been needing all night. But he glanced over and saw her biting her lip a little, concentrating solely on the game and nothing else. He smiled at how cute she looked in his bed. He wondered if it was wrong of him to think that he wanted her there more often. After all he had heard he had this strong urge to protect her and make sure nothing bad like that ever happened to her again. He nudged her arm with his. “Hey thanks for, being open and honest with me.”

She glance up for just a moment. “Thanks for caring enough to want to know.”