Chapter 18

She learned, quickly, suddenly, amazingly, and in just one week that that awkward feeling needed to get out of her system. She had discovered it all the night before. Justin and her were in his bed like normal: his hands down her pants and his lips on her neck, and her hands lightly playing with the crowded crotch of his jeans, soliciting little moans from him that she thoroughly enjoyed.

It was when he pulled away and said, “Baby I’m gonna let go if you keep that up.”

And she had started to whisper, “I want-“

But stopped. He looked at her and she looked at him. His eyebrows furrowed and she laid there wondering if she was about to say what she thought she was. “What is it?”

“Nothing. I’m tired.”

He had pried and poked, literally trying to get her to tell him what was going on, but she just asked him to ask her in the morning and if they could sleep. He sighed and agreed.

But that morning she had slipped out of his room before he had woken up. She had gone back to her room, thankful that Marie had already left for her morning work out session. She laid on the bed, hot, bothered, horney as fuck and realized: That was the feeling.

She wanted him. She needed him. She had already started to fall in love with him and it dawned on her that morning that she was going to have sex with him. Not only was she GOING to, she wanted to, desperately.

The ride with Rick sucked because he was sitting there driving and asking her stupid questions and all she wanted to do was ask him about sex and what she should do and if Justin had ever said what he liked in sex and what she should wear, etc. etc.

But instead she stayed quiet and they listened to Nine Inch Nails in peace. When they arrived at the venue she tried to busy herself with work and not think about how much she wanted to have sex with Justin. But it kept chanting in her brain.

Justin. Sex. Justin. Sex. Justin. Sex. Justin. Sex.

I’m a whore.

She sighed.

Oh well…

She got all excited when she saw JC walk by the play room, hoping Justin was near. But it was only JC. In fact, Justin had been MIA since she had left him in bed that morning. No one really seemed to know where he was or care for that matter.

And it wasn’t until eight when she saw him. She had found a deserted room that was carpeted but seemed to be storage for chairs and folding tables. There was a small spot on the floor and she had brought her cd walkman and a pack of crayons and a Sponge Bob coloring book she had found at a gas station a couple days before. She listened to one of her mixed cds and colored for a while, still thinking about how she should leave the venue early and sneak into his hotel room and get in bed and wait for him.

And then she felt a presence, a shadow, something. She took off one ear of the headphones and didn’t hear a thing but the presence was still there.

She turned her head.

She didn’t even know he was laying down near her, but there he was, kissing her, his hand fumbling with the headphones to get them off her, his lips and tongue working against her. He pulled away and she sighed. “Hi.”

Her eyes met his and she immediately knew something was wrong. He looked way too serious. It made her nervous. “Why’d you leave this morning?”

She was so busy looking at him and trying to figure out what was going on, she didn’t pay attention to what he was saying. She breathed out, “Huh?”

“Why’d you leave?”

She snapped out of it. She couldn’t tell him her thoughts. She couldn’t let him know just yet. She got shy and pushed him away, focusing all her attention, or at least trying to, on the picture of Sponge Bob she was coloring. “Justin, aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for the show?”

“I am ready. Why’d you leave?”

She scoffed when he plucked the coloring book away from her and pushed her shoulder so she’d lean on her back and look up at him. She rolled her eyes, trying to be annoyed and trying to get him off her. It was affecting her too much and if she didn’t control herself they would be getting it on in the middle of the floor.

And that’s not how she wanted it to be. “Can we talk about this later?”

His mouth dropped a little, his eyes widened and the guilt that she had been thinking might come up did. She shouldn’t have left him that morning. She left him and disappeared, on purpose. “Do you know how fuckin worried I’ve been all day? Did I do something wrong last night? Did I hurt you? What is it?”

She sighed and sat up. He moved off of his slouched position, his eyes still begging hers, pleading that she tell him what was going on. But she couldn’t. Not yet.

Well Justin I really really love you and I’m horney as fuck so if you wouldn’t mind removing your pants…oh god, I am a whore!

“No, no Justin. Everything last night was perfect, shit, I just. Look, I don’t know. Why don’t we talk about it after the show ok? I’ll see you at the hotel ok?”

He sighed and gave her an unbelievable look. “I’ve been in hell all day thinking about this shit.”

She grabbed his hand and then leaned in to give him a quick kiss, trying her best to keep him from worrying too much. “It’s good. I promise. Nothing to worry about. Ok?”

He pouted. “Pwomise?”

“Don’t give me that baby shit.”

He pouted some more and leaned in, his breath getting close enough for her to feel it. “Can I get another kiss?”

She rolled her eyes and started to lean in. “You really are too in love with me.”

“So?”

But she pulled back, her eyes boring into his. Oh if he was it’d be perfect. Just perfect. “A- are you?”

He was still breathless, waiting for her to kiss him. “What?”

“Justin! Come on man!”

Her head shot to the door as well as his. People were starting to walk down the hallway in a big mass. The show was about to start. He turned back to her, his eyes a little more serious this time, his hand on her cheek, begging her to talk to him and let him in on this secret she was keeping. “What did you ask me?”

But not yet. It was going to be a surprise. And she was pretty damn sure he would like it when he came back to his room that night. “Just go. Have a good show.”

He rolled his eyes playfully and leaned back in for a quick kiss. He then pushed himself off the ground and gave her a half grin. “See ya babe.”

Then he disappeared.

And she was left alone.

Her thoughts were running on what that night would bring and her body was raging to have him next to her again. At first she was a little taken back and nervous about the idea of having sex with him, but now, the more she thought about it the more excited she got. And she couldn’t wait for whatever would happen.

It was going to be perfect.

Not to mention, tomorrow was her 20th birthday. She was sure no one knew and wanted to keep it that way. He would be a gift she gave herself.

What a way to celebrate finally not being a teenager anymore?

She couldn’t think of anything better.

-------------

The show had been hell. Lance’s microphone had stopped working less than halfway through the show, Chris had almost fallen off his rope swing and threw a tantrum, and he had been thinking about Kristen all night. Something was up with her, she was different and he didn’t know how to react to that. He heard what she asked him, saw her reaction and was scared out of his mind to think that love was starting to come into the equation.

It wasn’t that he couldn’t see himself falling for her. He already had in a sense, but he didn’t know if he was ready to tell someone that he loved them. That was a big step, a huge step. The last thing he wanted to do was say something and end up hurting her. He wanted to tell her the truth.

But he didn’t even know the truth.

She always talked about how the relationship was new to her and she didn’t know what she was doing. Well neither did he. Being with Britney was totally different than being with her. He couldn’t even compare them. He felt a lot of times she looked to him for the answers of what they were to do next and everything, but he honestly didn’t know.

They were both lost in their relationship.

It was 12:07. He was tired and wanted to crawl up beside her and sleep.

But when he made it to his room she wasn’t there. He had given her the extra key to his room and figured she would be there watching TV, eating skittles and say some smart ass comment when he entered.

But the room was pitch black.

He turned on the light and noticed something very odd about the room. The bed was pulled back nicely and neatly, not like the rumple of covers and sheets he had left it that morning. There were a couple candles on the nightstand and dresser, not lit and brand new.

A Target bag was right beside the candles on the dresser. He walked over and peered into it, not ready for what was inside: A book of matches and a box of condoms and a receipt.

He picked up the receipt and saw that she had spent 30 dollars buying candles, holders, condoms, matches and new razor blades. It was an interesting combination and he didn’t know what to think.

Ok, so he did know what to think: she wanted to have sex.

His crotch seemed to love the idea but his brain knew better. Were they ready? Yeah, he wanted to fuck the life out of her. He felt like he had been horney for a century, but he didn’t want to hurt her.

This was what the night before and that whole day had been about.

It dawned on him.

But he didn’t have a clue what to do.

And he wondered where the hell she was.

He checked the bathroom but it was empty and dark and after using it and taking off his sweaty clothing, he laid down on the bed and waited for her, hoping that she would come back from wherever she was and they could talk about this. They could talk it out. They could have a serious discussion about where they were in their relationship and if they were ready for this.

And then if they decided they were ready…

The thought made him smile and when his eyes drifted down he realized other parts of him were happy as well. He sniffed.

He discovered if he was going to get in anybody pants that night he needed a shower, badly. He took a shower as quickly as possible, hoping to get out and ready before she returned from wherever she went.

He dried off and put on a pair of boxers and went to lay on the bed.

But 15 minutes passed and he still hadn’t seen her. The thoughts that were going on in his mind were starting to make him have an embarrassing hard on. So he turned on the TV and flipped through the channels.

The time passed slowly, and the excitement wore off when he realized it had been about an hour or more since he had discovered his room and the realization that came with it. If she was anywhere near the hotel she would know that they were back by now.

Maybe she had second thoughts.

Oh, that made him feel just great.

But then again she had only had sex once before and she didn’t really remember it. Maybe she was frightened.

His mind was starting to get annoying and so he tried his best to turn it off. By then it was well past 1:30 and he was exhausted.

By 2 o’clock the TV was running on mute, the lights were out, his hand was stuck underneath the elastic of his boxers, his head was tilted to the side and he was drooling.

And fast asleep.

But not for long.

Soon he was awaken by loud knocks accruing every 3 seconds. Knock. Pause. Knock. Pause.

He rubbed his eyes and stumbled off the bed and to the door. He squinted and peeked out.

She was standing there, smiling brightly, eyes half-closed, droopy and red as hell. She reeked of cigarettes and alcohol and was swaying back and forth.

“Heeeyyyy Justinnn.”

Her arms were looped around him and she pushed all of her weight on him, forcing him to take a step back so they wouldn’t fall. He managed to pull her in his room a little and pull her away so that he could look at her face. “What are you doing?”

She smiled with her eyes closed and said in a slurred tone, “Let’s fuck.”

His eyes opened wide and it didn’t register in his mind that he knew that was what she had wanted to do that night. The candles and condoms had given that away but he was shocked to hear it come out of her mouth. He had sort of forgotten about it all during his quick nap and now it came crashing back. He wasn’t going to fuck her, as she said, tonight, not now, not with her the way she was. But his penis still liked the idea and he stuttered. “Wh-what?”

She buried her head into his bare chest and squeezed him tightly. “Fuck fuck fuck. I wanna fuck.”

“You’re drunk. Wha..Kristen come in here. What’s going on?” He tugged on her hand to pull her more into his room where his bed was. He sat down and tried to pull her beside him or on his lap or something but instead she straddled him and kissed him deeply.

She tasted like alcohol and cigarettes. He could almost feel himself gagging. He hated the way someone tasted after they had been smoking. He had been out with Britney a few times and she had lit up. And he would deal with it, but never enjoyed it. “Justin…have sex with me.”

He looked into her eyes that were half closed. It clicked. Something wasn’t right. He knew she could be a partier and could get drunk. But why tonight? And he knew she was drunk but why were her eyes red and puffy like she had been crying? He brought his hands to her face and kept them there so she couldn’t move away. “Why are you trashed? How’d you get this way? Did you go out with Rick?”

She shrugged, closed her eyes and dipped her head down. Her hair covered his hands and he saw a tear slip carelessly down her cheek. He had to get to the bottom of this. “Does it matter? Does anything really matter?”

He pulled her head up again so she was looking at him. “What happened?”

“Sing Happy Birthday to me.”

“Why?”

He eyes widened and she seemed beaming with energy and clobbered him in a hug. “BECAUSE IT’S MY BIRF DAY”

He felt his stomach tie in a knot. Was this why she was upset? Did he forget? Did everyone forget? He hoped that wasn’t the reason she was upset. She had never told him, to his recollection. “I- it is?”

She grinned. “Don’t worry I didn’t tell anyone. I don’t think Rick even knew, knows whatever.” But then her voice trailed off and she started crying. This time she didn’t stop. And soon she had her face buried in his neck, sobbing.

“Kristen…” He felt lost. He didn’t know what was going on. It was like a nightmare. Everything bad was happening but there was no reason and he didn’t know why. Everything just sucked and he was clueless. It made him want to cry. “W- why are you crying?” He whispered in her ear.

Her voice rose in her sobs and he could feel her tears on his neck. “I hate him so much. I just wish he would die.”

He was lost. “Who?”

“I cant believe he would call me. I don’t even know how he got that number.”

“What number?”

“To my room.”

He was getting more and more confused. Who was she talking about? Who called her? Who could make her this upset? He was almost afraid to hear who it could be. He just held her tighter and asked her calmly, “Who?”

“My dad Justin. My fucking DAD calls me for the first time in like a million fucking years to wish me a happy fucking birthday. What the FUCK!?”

The fucking nerve of that bastard.

Now he was pissed.

It was silence except for her breathing. He looked her in the eyes. They were wide and she looked mad and upset and angry at the world. She had every right to be. He took in a deep breath and then sighed. “S- shit.”

“And I was planning on having sex with you tonight and he calls right before I’m going to take a shower and everything and fucks everything up.”

He moved her head so she wasn’t bowing it all the time and so that she would look at him. He didn’t want her blaming herself for this or feeling like anything was her fault. “Nothings fucked up…I mean...”

She smiled slightly. “We can still have sex!?”

“I don’t think tonight would be that-“

She frowned and if his hands didn’t have such a firm grip on her face he knew she would have dipped her head. “You don’t want to.”

“Not tonight. Not when you’re drunk. I wanna talk to you about it, and I want you to be sober.”

“I’m sober.”

He laughed a little. “No you aren’t.”

She started crying again. He wanted to beg her to stop. He hated seeing her cry. It was one of the worse things he could think of right now. “J- Justin please. I- please…”

He held her tight and whispered gently, “I don’t think so tonight.”

“But I love you.”

He stopped breathing, thinking, moving, everything. It was another shock that he knew was coming but had forgot about. “W- what...”

“I love you.”

She was looking him dead in the eyes and it scared him how sure of herself she seemed. There was no doubt in his mind that she was not lying, but he wanted there to be doubt. He wasn’t ready yet. He looked away. “You’re drunk. You don’t know what you are talking about.”

“It’s ok if you don’t love me back.”

He looked at her and she seemed like she was 10 years old. It made him wonder. She had never really been in a relationship before and it was possible she was just getting in over her head. “Kristen, are you sure? Do you even know what-“

She pushed him so hard he fell back on the bed and she stood up and started pacing. “Why does everyone treat me like I’m a fucking child? I’m 20 now. Believe it or not I do know a thing or two.”

“I didn’t-“

She stopped right in front of him covered her face with her hands moaning, “I think about you all the time!”

He looked at her with a titled head, curious to what she had to say. She let her hands drop and she stood there, staring at him hard. “W- when you aren’t around I get fucking depressed. I want you with me. I need you with me. It’s pathetic and stupid but I cant help it. M-maybe I’m not in love with you but I do love you Justin. I…I don’t know. Maybe I am a fucking child.”

“You aren’t a child.

“You make me feel that way.”

He cringed. “I do?”

“Sometimes. I mean sometimes I don’t know. Sometimes you don’t.”

“Like when?”

“When we’re making out.”

That hurt. He thought she seemed most adult when they were in situations like that and it made him have a weird feeling that that’s when she felt most childish. It would make sense that she would want to have sex with him: to prove to him that she was a woman. “Is that why you wanted to have sex?”

“I don’t know. I just had the urge to do it.”

“Well I don’t think tonight is a good night. I wanna talk to you calmly about it. Sober.”

Her face dropped and he could tell that she was about to cry again. “I- I’m sorry. I’ve made an ass out of myself.”

He reached out for her hand and pulled her towards him. “Not at all. Do you know all the dirty thoughts that went through my mind when I came in here and discovered a box of condoms?”

A smile erupted on her face and he pulled her down on the bed with him. “Reallllly?”

He breathed out, “Yes really.” And then he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply, not caring about how she tasted. She was stiff in his arms. He hoped the kiss would relax her but she just stayed that way. “You’re tense.”

She half smiled. It seemed she had sobered up a tad; still drunk, but not as sloppy as before. “Work’s been hard lately. You guys seem to acccummulate a lot of shit.”

He rubbed her back and smiled at her, getting a great idea in his head. “Can I do something for you?”

“OOO MASSAGE!”

He smiled and stood up off the bed, looking at her. “No…even better.”

“What?”

“Just come with me.” He tugged on her arms and wondered if this was going to be a smart move. It would take a lot of restraint on his part but he figured if he could deny sex with her when she was drunk and obviously ready, then he could do this. It would make her feel sexy, and they would share something special, but it wouldn’t have the emotional consequences sex would.

And it would make her relax and feel better.

“Where we going?” She asked, following him obediently around the room.

He looked at her and smiled. “To the bathroom.”

“Whyyyy?”

He stopped in the door and looked at her. He didn’t know if she would like this. He didn’t even know if she was the type to like this sort of thing but he was willing to take a chance. He sighed and licked his lips, realizing how nervous he was in that moment.