Chapter 20

He was quite bored. Chris’ family was coming to see the show and he had left earlier in the day with some of the crew so he could meet up with them in Pittsburg. Kristen had told him that she felt she was leaving Rick out, so after a couple minutes of pushing the puppy dog look, he gave up and reluctantly accepted the fact that she was going to ride on the van with Rick instead of with him. He had been alone on the bus for about 2 hours. He had called his mom and called Trace, but his mom was busy doing some office work and he could tell he was annoying her. Trace wasn’t picking up his cell. Grand Theft Auto got redundant after killing lots of people and listening to a lot of 80s music and the only thing on the TV was an Real World marathon that he really didn’t care to watch.

And then his cell rang. He looked at the caller idea and a huge smile erupted on his face. He flopped on his back on the couch and flipped open his cell.

“Douche bag! Learn to answer the fuckin’ phone!” The way his voice sounded was nothing but joy. He hadn’t heard from his best friend in quite awhile. Trace relaxed him and made everything better, and even though he felt kind of girly when he thought it, Trace was his male soul-mate, if there was such a thing for a straight man. Trace new him better than he did. His friend could figure out his thoughts before he could. And every time he talked to him he felt better, even when nothing bad was happening.

“What’s up your ass, pussy? Never mind, I don’t wanna know.”

“You wish.” He said seductively, trying to annoy Trace but enjoying the boyish vulgar banter they spoke with each other.

“Let me guess, you’re bored.”

He stood off the couch and got up to grab a soda from the mini-fridge. “What!?”

“You only call me when you’re bored. You don’t love me any more.”

“Trace, you’re fuckin’ stupid man. How you been bro?” The end of his statement had a more serious tone to his voice. He hadn’t talked to him in a while, and was a little out of the loop with what had been going on in his best friend’s life.

“Good. Trashed your place last night. Ya know, the usual.”

He chuckled. He knew Trace wouldn’t do that sort of thing. He remembered the first time Trace had seen his house in Orlando. Upon walking into the living room he had said, “I feel like I’m 5 years old and in a store with momma telling me not to touch anything.” His house had a homey feel to it, but that first room was quite impressive and elegant. Trace wouldn’t risk Justin’s house and since he was letting Trace stay there while he was on tour he knew he had nothing to worry about. “How many parties have you had?”

“Not really any. I’ve been busy.”

“Doing what?”

“Uh, Golf?”

Justin laughed and remembered the Sprite he had fished from the fridge. He popped it open and took a sip. “You’re so fuckin’ lazy.”

“Am not! I’m house sitting for you!”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re just staying-“ A burp interrupted his speech. “…there and using all my things.”

“I’ve only been here a little. I went back to Memphis the other weekend.”

“I know, you told me. When you comin’ up man? I miss ya.”

“You just want me to come up and give you my opinion of the new piece.”

Justin sat the drink down and sat up a little more on the couch. He knew his best friend, and knew Trace was a jokester, but didn’t like the sound of voice he had and didn’t want his friend referring to his girlfriend as a “piece”. “She’s not a piece.”

“Fucked her yet?”

He tried to remain calm and didn’t know why this was getting under his skin so much. Trace would say that whenever Justin mentioned another girl. For some weird reason it got to him. “No…”

“Liar.”

He ignored his weird feelings and tried to remind himself that this was Trace, the guy that knew everything about him, the guy who shared sex secrets, detailed sex secrets when they both had girlfriends. “I haven’t! Other things though…”

“She hot? Wait, of course she’s hot. How’s her boobs?”

Justin started to feel more relaxed and forgot all about the weird feeling he had before. He flipped on the TV and turned it to mute, surfing through the channels but still paying attention to their conversation. “Small, but nice. She’s tiny. Like really tiny. Young, too. Just turned 20.”

“That ain’t young! Just not old.”

“She’s like…punk-rock.”

“You told me. Which I think means, she just doesn’t wear Abercrombie like your preppy ass. You’re electric bill came. Sad man, so sad.”

He stopped and watched Carmen Electra on E! news. He checked her out her skimpy clothes, smirked and then flipped the channel again “You opened my mail!?”

“You told me too if it was a bill!! Why’s it even come here? You’re never home! You probably never pay them.”

“Momma does.”

“Oh, right.”

“Seriously man, you gotta come up here soon.”

“Buy me some plane tickets, bitch.”

He thought about where they would be in the next few days and New York came to his mind. He and Trace always had a blast in New York and he started to smile brightly. “What about next weekend? NYC?”

“Sweet. We gonna go to that club?”

“Which one?”

“That strip one. Dude, I don’t remember the name. The one where we got lap dances from those twins.”

That weird feeling came back. “Dude, I don’t know.”

“Oh, now that he’s got a girl again so he’s all mister perfect.”

He defended himself. It was weird though. With Britney he use to have to excuse himself from “boy” activities in order to save his ass. But in the past few months he led a typical bachelor lifestyle. He went to strip clubs and drank too much with boys every now and then. But now he was with someone again. “That’s right. I just got this girl, and she’s like…she’s different. And I really don’t think she’d like the fact that I went to a strip club.”

“That’s why you don’t tell her.”

“And you wonder why you’re single.”

“You love her?”

He half smiled, but still had that weird feeling. “I think.”

“Reeeeeeebound.” Trace’s voice made him feel like he was at a basketball game.

“Nah man. I’m over Brit. She keeps calling me begging for me to come back and I’ve just, no, ya know? Like half the time when she calls, I just don’t answer because I know its gonna be the same shit. She still callin’ you?”

“Yeah, I told her you were dating someone.”

His heart jumped in his throat. He didn’t want her to know. She’d throw a fit and be mad at him and he didn’t want her to be mad at him. “WHAT! Why?”

“It shouldn’t matter, should it?”

He realized what he was saying and thinking and it was contradiction to what he had told Kristen. He was starting to get confused. “I...I don’t know.”

“You’re not over her. You don’t get over your first love. You don’t get over the girl you dated for forever, the girl…”

His voice was harsh and sharp. He didn’t need this now. “Shut up Trace.”

“I dated that girl Suze for 2 months and it took me a year to get over her. Dude, its only been a few months.”

His voice rose in volume rapidly. “I am NOT on the rebound. I wouldn’t do that to Kristen, ok? I would know!”

“Whatever man.”

“You think I’m not over Britney?”

He could hear his friend sigh and it pissed him off even more. “I just think it’s soon. I mean, maybe you are. You say you ignore her. But you can’t tell me you’re not hurt anymore.”

He stood up and started to pace in the back of the bus. “Shit man, of course I’m hurt. She broke my fuckin’ heart.”

“So if she came to you tonight, bawling her eyes out, clearly sorry, clearly wanting to get back with you and to change how it use to be…If she came to you right now and told you she was quitting, that she was done with all this music shit just so she could be with you, you wouldn’t take her back?”

“Shut the fuck up Trace!” As soon as he finished they hit a pothole and he tripped, spilling some of the Sprite in his hand on the floor. He was enraged now.

“I’ve got my answer.”

“You’re an asshole. Buy your own fuckin’ tickets to New York.” He slammed the drink down in a cup holder, spilling some more and then cut off his phone and threw it onto the couch.

The phone rang again, but he didn’t answer. He slung an arm over his eyes and took a deep breath. He was on the verge of tears. He didn’t want to fuck this up. He didn’t want Trace to be right. He had just told Kristen that he was over Britney. Just a few nights ago he had had that wonderful night, that beautiful revelation and she had bared her soul. But maybe he had tricked himself.

He couldn’t get Trace’s words out of his mind. He didn’t know why he was so defensive, and that scared him. He pushed his palms into his eyes and sighed. “It’s nothing. I love her. I do.” He groaned loudly

It was quiet for a while and then Justin heard a throat being cleared. “You ok back there?”

He looked up to see James staring at him through the rear view mirror.

“Fine. When do we stop?”

“ ‘Bout 10 minutes at a gas station. We’re gonna refuel.”

“Great.”

He got up and slung the curtain closed. It was cloudy outside and all he could see was a mass of trees and highway. It sucked. He was alone and bored and his thoughts were eating him alive.

He couldn’t get it out of his head. He couldn’t get HER out of his head. He couldn’t stop thinking, and the more he thought, the more he got confused.

He was starting to think that he didn’t even know who he was in love with anymore.

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It felt great to breathe the fresh air. With her arms extended happily she stretched her body and yawned. Rick was refueling the van and she was about to refuel her body. She was in need of some Sunkist and some type of snack food. One of the crew’s buses pulled away and she spotted a very familiar and a very welcome sight: Justin’s bus. She wondered where he was but didn’t want to go searching and look like a pathetic little girl, like in reality she was.

She sighed and started walking towards the BP station. A sign that said “Sunkist 12 pack just 2.99” caught her eye and she smiled brightly.

“See yo’ man or somethin’?”

She looked up to see Mike smirking at her.

“Shut up. My drinks are on sale!”

He sighed and nodded his head back towards the station. “You’re boy is in there too.”

“Huh?”

“Justin. Be warned. He’s wearing a hood over his head.”

Her happiness faded and she started to worry. It was never a good thing when he wore hoodies. It usually meant the world was about to end. “Ehh, that bad eh?”

“Told me to fuck off when I said “what’s up”.”

She cringed, a little frightened as to what was going on with him. The past few days he had seemed to be happier than a little kid in Toys R Us. Just a couple hours earlier he was begging her to stay with him on the bus with a smile and a pouty face. She sighed and shrugged, “Hmmm must be pms.”

“Must be. Later girl.”

She waved as he passed her. “See ya son.”

She walked cautiously into the store and saw him over by the alcohol section. She eyed him strangely and made a detour first, stopping down the candy aisle for Skittles. Then she walked to the snack food aisle and picked up a bag of Honey Nut Chex Mix all the while, looking over her shoulder to see if he was still there. He was still there, just staring, not moving.

She walked slowly and finally got right behind him. She stared at the back of his hood covered form and finally got enough courage to make her move. She thought she’d either make him laugh or piss him off even more. Either way, she was determined to get him to react to her.

She thought hard for a second and pulled the best valley girl accent she could muster up. “Oh my GAWD! You’re in Nsync!”

She saw him look to the side towards Dre who was in there with him. But Dre didn’t do anything besides look at her, smirk and turn and walk the other way.

She heard Justin say “Dre!” in a hushed tone.

Stupid boy.

“You’re like totally hot. Will you like oh my god, sign my thong!?”

She watched him sigh and turn slowly, but as soon as she caught his face she felt bad. His eyes were puffy and he looked tired as hell. He had a frown on his face.

He realized it was her and rolled his eyes. “Funny.”

Her eyes narrowed at him as he opened up the doors and pulled out two cans of Coors. “What’s up your ass?”

The door shut and he turned around and rolled his eyes again. He was really starting to piss her off, and if he was going to act like that, she didn’t want to be anywhere near him. “Kristen, don’t start ok? Just leave me alone.”

She put her hands up and gave up. She didn’t really want to deal with his shit that day. He had no reason to be a bitch to her so she was going to ignore him. “Fine. Be an asshole.” She walked past him and went to get her 12 pack of Sunkist.

It was her turn to roll her eyes when she heard him call after her in a whiney voice, “Wait wait, I’m sorry.”

She turned and crossed her arms over her chest, fumbling with her Chex Mix and Skittles. “Yeah, me too. What the hell happened?”

He rubbed his hands over his face and his body slouched. “I feel like shit. I’m sorry.”

“Get some medicine.”

“It’s not that kinda thing.”

He was starting to act like the biggest baby she knew and it got on her last nerves. He was supposed to be all happy when he saw her. He was supposed to wink at her and lean down and say something perverted in her ear and then convince her to come watch movies on TBS with her for the rest of the trip. But no, he was pouting and looking helpless and trying to make everyone in the world feel sorry for him. Well it wasn’t gonna work with her! “Then what is it.”

“I just have a bastard for a best friend.”

“Aww, he doesn’t know who his daddy is?” It made her grin when he started to chuckle lightly. He looked so much better when he smiled. She felt good knowing she was the one making him happy.

He shook his head and then opened his arms to her. “You…come here.”

Before she knew it he was holding on to her tight. She had to stand on her tiptoes to be able to hold him the way he wanted. His face was buried in her neck and his arms were so tight around her she almost couldn’t breathe. A magazine aisle was right behind him and she saw a tabloid with a picture of Britney and Justin from a couple months ago on it. In bold, all capital letters the words TOGETHER AGAIN were written beside the picture. She knew it wasn’t true but it made her feel weird. A nightmarish image of someone with a camera popped in her mind and the next thing she thought of was her picture on the cover of US magazine with the words JUSTIN’S NEW SKANK typed beside it. She tried to pull away, but he was holding on too tight. She squirmed and said, “PDA Justin.”

“I don’t care.” Finally, she got him off of her and put a good feet in between them. She busied herself with juggling her drinks and snacks. When she looked him, he was staring at her with a blank look, his eyes wide.

“I’m worried. You don’t look good. You look like…”

“Like what.”

She shook her head and started to walk to the counter to pay. “Nothing.”

He pulled her drinks out of her hand and carried them using the slit on the side of the cardboard. He held his beer in his other hand. “Will you ride with me?”

She shook her head and put her stuff up on the counter. “I’m riding with Rick.”

“Please, please Kristen.”

“What’s going on?” She didn’t question or protest when he put his stuff with hers on the counter and then fished for his wallet, paying for their goodies with a 20 an flashing his license to the clerk. She was more concerned with the weird looks and shaky vibes he was giving her. Something was bothering him and she wanted to know what it was.

“I just, I need you with me.”

She wanted to ride with him so bad especially the way he was talking to her like he really needed her. But she did feel bad for ditching Rick. Riding with him that morning had proven that she had been kind of out of the loop with her partner in crime ever since her and Justin had gotten together. He had so many stories to tell her, and it was weird that she didn’t really know what was going on with his life. She got to work with him, but they were usually so concerned with getting all the guy’s shit in the right place in the quickest amount of time that their conversations were never about anything more than cardboard boxes, directions and questions about where the dolly was.

She wanted to push his buttons a little bit and see how much Justin would beg for her to stay with him. She really didn’t know what to make of all this. Was he just being a pussy and whining because he was alone on the bus? Or was something else bothering him, something bad? “I feel bad ditching Rick all the time. Get one of the other guys to ride with you or something if you are bored or something.”

The clerk handed Justin his change and he took her Sunkists as she took the bag of the rest of their stuff. “Kristen, I need you.”

She looked him with wide eyes and she almost wanted to cry. Maybe it was just her being on her period, but the way he said it, breathy and meaningful, made her want to clobber him right there in the store. “M- me?”

She stared at his face. He looked at the clerk, grinned uncomfortably and then pulled her arm so they would get out of the store.

Once they were out of the store, he took her free hand in his and led her towards the bus. “You’re my girlfriend. I just, I need you with me today, ok?”

She wasn’t really paying attention to the fact they were holding hands in public. Somewhere in the back of her mind she could see Mike having a hemorrhage, but she didn’t care. His eyes were so blue when they looked at her right then that he could ask her to do anything right there beside the BP gas pumps, and she would do it, no questions asked.

“Ok.” She smiled at him and walked with him to his bus.

Fifteen minutes later his hands were up her shirt squeezing her breasts firmly and his mouth was moving down her stomach, letting his tongue swirl everywhere and his lips tickle her skin. She was lying there perfectly still, wondering what the hell had gotten into him. They had got on the bus, gone in the back, slung the curtain shut and before she could even sit down he had pushed her on her back and crawled over her. He was now on top of her, pretty much molesting her.

She was so shocked she couldn’t even think to say stop. She wanted him badly. She hadn’t really been able to be intimate with him since the night of her birthday, and that was a good 4 days ago. She wanted him all over her.

But when his hands started going in her pants she had to protest.

“Justin no.”

He didn’t look up at her, pulling away just enough from her skin to breathe out heavily, “Why not? I want you, baby.”

She shifted uncomfortably and tried to push his hands off her chest. “I- I know.”

He looked up at her. His face was red, his eyes darkened, and she cursed her body for not being able to let her indulge in him. “Do you not want me?”

“I do, I do. It’s just…”

He pulled off her completely and moved to the other side of the back room on the other couch. His hands covered his face. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

She sat up and leaned over and pulled his hands off of his face. She kissed his hands, and then realized she was getting to petty and romantic so she dropped them. It was a little weird he was getting so emotional over her telling him to stop, but she let it go for now. “Shhh, it’s ok. I’d be all for it but…”

“What?” He asked eagerly.

She bit her lip, trying her best to approach the subject delicately. “I’m kinda out of order right now.”

“What?”

“Just trust me.”

“Huh?”

He was being a total airhead so she rolled her eyes and fell back, landing on the couch again. “I’m on my period dimwit!”

He nodded slowly and let out a deep sigh. “Oh…”

She watched him out of the corner of her eye and wondered what had gotten in to him. He took the time to readjust himself in his pants. She thought it was a little odd that he did that in front of her but tried to ignore it. She wrote it off as one of those boyfriend/ girlfriend things that she wasn’t use to yet, like not shutting the door when he went to pee. She couldn’t figure that one out!

But the more she looked at him the more she realized that he was thinking way too hard. He was staring off into space, and it was never a good thing when he did that. “Yeah…Hey, talk to me.”

“About what?”

“What’s up with you? You didn’t look so good back there.”

“I just. I guess.” He was still staring off into space.

“Spit it out.”

His eyes cut to hers and if she didn’t know him better, she might have thought he was going to cry. “I don’t want to tell you.”

She found herself wanting to cry. The words and the look said it all. She knew what was coming. Damn him for pulling her along this far. Just, damn him! “W- what?”

“I don’t want to hurt or upset you.”

She took in a deep breath to keep from crying. Her world was spinning out of control and it all had happened in a matter of seconds. What would she do now? “You’re breaking up with me.”

When he looked at her like she was crazy she felt a little better, but she was still freaked out. “No. NO! I wouldn’t have just humped your leg if I was gonna do that.”

“Then tell me! You’re freaking me out.”

“I…Kristen, I do love you. I know I do. I can feel it. But…”

He heart jumped around and did somersaults in her body. “Oh god.” She stood up and started pulling at her hair. He didn’t love her, he was going to break up with her and fire her and her life would be ruined.

He pulled on her arm and got her to sit down beside him. “Calm down, please, you’re freaking me out here!”

“I’m freaking YOU out!?”

“I still…”

She felt the tears sting her eyes and she rubbed at them before they started to fall. She didn’t know why she was being so damn emotional. He hadn’t said anything yet to say he didn’t love her or was breaking up with her but she felt with every inch of her that something bad was about to happen. “What!”

“Britney…I guess she still gets to me. And I might not be completely over her,” he said reluctantly.

“Ok…”

“I’m not saying I’d get back together with her. I have you now. I don’t need her in my life. But…”

That’s it?

She sat up straight and turned to look at him. This couldn’t be why she was so freaked out. She knew he wasn’t over her. She didn’t expect him to be over her. He dated the damn girl for all his life! “Justin I understand. I mean, I don’t expect you to just up and forget her.”

“I just, felt bad. I felt I had kind of led you on. But I do love you. I, I do. I just, I don’t think I’m like…”

She put her arm over his shoulders and kissed his cheek. “Justin I know. Look, I know you still have feelings for her. You probably always will. And I know you don’t love me as much as you do or did or whatever her. You were with her for a long time and knew her since forever. You barely know me!”

“I know you.” He gave her a sexy half smile.

“No you don’t.”

His hand came up to hold her cheek. He leaned in to kiss her softly and pulled away with his forehead against hers. She wouldn’t let anyone know, but she desperately loved this mushy stuff. “I know enough to know you’re so special to me.”

She shied away from him in a purely girly move that really meant “please go on.” “Stop…”

“I’m serious.”

She wiggled out of his grasp and made a move for the remote control. They had just had a pretty serious moment. Her emotions had see-sawed and she wanted to have her normal chill time with Justin where they didn’t do anything. She needed that now. “You wanna watch a movie.”

“No. How about we take a nap?”

He promptly yawned right after he asked and she leaned her body into his. A nap sounded perfect right then. “Mmmm nap.”

“Here or bunk?”

“Bunk.”

“Come on.” He stood up and pulled her up with him. He helped her into his bunk and when she felt his hands touching her sides she felt shivers run through her body. She settled under the covers and a second later he joined her, his arms around her and her head laying on his chest.

“We have a radio show we have to do tonight but please sleep with me.”

“Ok. I have to help Rick unload.” Her voice was sleepy.

“I know you have a job to do. My little toy girl.” She felt his large hand run over her head in a very comforting manner. For some reason she started thinking how maternal that motion was. She could always remember her mom running her hand over her head whenever she had scraped her knee or needed a hug or something. It made her think.

“Hey Justin?”

“Yeah…” She thought about not asking since his voice sounded half-dead.

“When’s your mom gonna come on tour?”

“I dunno. She’s busy with some stuff right now, why?”

“I don’t know. Are you gonna let me meet your family? I mean its cool if-“

He cut her off and his hands went underneath the back of her shirt to give her a mini massage, as weird as it was in the position they were in. “Trace is coming up next weekend. He’s family. And yes I want you to meet my momma.”

“I hope they like me.”

“Trace will love you. He loves everyone.”

“Ok.”

It was quiet except for the sound of the road. It felt so good to be there in his arms with her eyes closed and her body totally relaxed.

And then he had to say something to screw up the peacefulness. “You’re really happy for being on your period.”

“I was pmsing yesterday. That’s why I hibernated. Plus Pamprin is my Prozac.”

“Ahh, I was wondering where my girl was yesterday.”

She chuckled and lifted her head to look at him. “What girl?

He looked back at her through half-closed eyes. “You.”

She scoffed in a playful manner and rolled herself away from him. “I ain’t your girl. I’m just with your nasty ass because I need money.”

“Oh really?”

She animated her voice and stared at the back of the bunk hoping he’d soon curl up behind her. “Yeah. I really have a boyfriend at home. I just figured if I could give you enough hand jobs you’d treat me really nice and I’d get a couple bucks so me and my baby could move up to a double wide.”

Sure enough, his body was against hers, spooning hers. “Aww, a double wide.”

“Hey, I use to live in one.”

“Really? You’re a redneck.” He kissed her neck a little and she smacked him on his thigh. Half because he was picking on her, and half because it tickled the hell out of her.

“Hey, don’t make fun! Doublewides are nice you Tennessee hick! I’ll probably have to live in a hut when I get done with this.”

“No. I’ll take care of you.” His arms squeezed around her.

“You don’t-“

“I’ll make sure you’re set for life. See, what you don’t realize is that being a part of the Nsync crew is one of the best things in the world. We have all sorts of connections.”

“I’d like to be a veterinarian, please.”

“Done.”

“Dork.”

“Maybe so, but I got a big dick.”

She giggled and closed her eyes. “Not really.”

The voice that followed made her want to burst out laughing. He was way truly concerned. “W-what?”

“I’m kidding. You’re penis is enormous.”

“Is it?”

Her full-fledge laughter came out and she strained her neck to look over her shoulder and see him looking at her with his pouty look.

Stupid boys.

“How would I know?! I’ve only seen two in my life!”

“Ok. How am I compared to the other guy?”

She laughed and shook her head. “Justin I was drunk! I don’t remember! If I see any more penises in my lifetime I’ll let you know.”

“Ok.”

After that he was quiet. He took a second to situate himself beside her and before she knew it she could hear him snore a little bit. It was mainly heavy breathing, but still enough that she could pick on him about it later. She couldn’t get to sleep just yet. Too many thoughts were crossing her mind. She started to think about what he said about taking care of her. What if they broke up? Would he still want to help her out? What would happen when the tour ended? Would he take her in, find her a job, and live happily ever after with her?

For some reason she just couldn’t believe that would happen. Everything in her future right now as a big question mark, and that included her life with Justin. She loved him, yeah. And she was falling in love with him. But she knew he didn’t feel as strongly as she did. She knew deep down he loved her and appreciated her and she knew that she had helped him get over Britney a little. But did that make her the rebound? Wasn’t that what rebounds did?

She didn’t know what to think. She was scared and as much as she wanted to sleep, she just couldn’t. She didn’t know the whole story of why he was upset. She knew it was something to do with Britney and Trace. But he had said Trace was coming up the next weekend. Did Trace do something with Britney? Did Trace know something? She knew Justin wasn’t telling her everything. It was ok. She didn’t expect him to. But for some reason, something dark and ominous was casting a shadow on her thoughts about the weeks to come.